A Sister's Promise

by Renita D'Silva

  I obey my sinking eyelids and give in to the exhaustion that holds my body captive. I close my eyes.

  Is this a dream? A strange, disorientating nightmare?

  I could open my mouth and ask Ma but what if no words come? Can I even speak or have I lost my voice too, in this strange state that I find myself? Why does my body feel alien? Why do I have no control over it? What are all these machines? What has happened to me? The last thing I remember is talking with Asha’s mother in the sari shop . . .

  The sari shop . . .

  * * *

  Roaring sounds bear down upon me. The car . . . is coming right at me . . .

  Glass splinters in a shower of dagger-edged crystal. The blazing burgundy stench of fear, the pungent smell of ammonia, the iron taste of rust . . . red letters on faded yellow . . .

  The rush of urine slick on my thighs. Bright crimson droplets stain silvery shards glinting vulgarly in the sunshine . . .

  Screams, laments, and then silence . . .

  No, please, no . . .

  My heart is jumping fit to escape the confines of my ribcage. I want to scream this nightmare away. I want to run, to rid my prone, unresponsive body of its mechanical cage—outpace this outlandish fantasy that feels so incredibly real.

  ‘Kushi,’ Ma’s strangled voice utters my name as if it is a prayer she is offering to the gods. ‘It’s okay, my darling . . .’ She consoles me as she used to when I was ill as a child. Her calloused hand, a legacy of years of chopping and stirring, cooking and cleaning, rests on mine.

  My mother’s touch—so familiar and reassuring, now signals the beginning of a waking nightmare, as the implications of feeling her hand on mine sink in.

  This is real.

  My eyes are still shut tight, but I must have displayed some agitation for Ma to soothe me in the way she used to when I awoke in the thick of night tormented by vivid dreams.

  ‘You have too intense an imagination,’ she used to say, smiling fondly at me as she brushed the sweat-slicked hair away from my forehead.

  I am not imagining this.

  I want Ma to lie, to tell me I’m dreaming.

  I want to talk to Ma, make sense of this, but I do not want to open my eyes again, acknowledge this world I find myself in, this horror I have woken up to. I cannot afford to be here, like this, helpless, dependent on others, unable to move.

  I have so many things I need to do. I have my causes to crusade, I have a rally scheduled. I don’t want to be a victim, like the women I arrange counselling for on a daily basis, although it is gradually sinking in that I am.

  I want to cry, rail, shout.

  I can do nothing. I keep my eyes closed and wish, like a deluded child, that when I open them again, my world will be back to normal.

  I yearn for the dreamy numbness I was experiencing before I regained consciousness, the gentle balm of nothingness.

  ‘We will fix this,’ Ma is saying softly, as if she can read my mind, sense my turmoil. She’s always been able to tell what’s going on in my head even before I have voiced it. And now, here in the midst of this nightmare, broken as I am, eyes shut tight in denial of what is happening to me, she is still able to tune in to what I am feeling and offer comfort.

  How, Ma? How can you sort this out for me?

  I have always fixed other people’s problems for them secure in the knowledge that if ever I was in trouble, Ma would be there for me. She is my problem solver. But now . . .

  My faith in Ma is immense, but how can she get me out of this?

  A male voice, right beside me, startles me. If I wasn’t hemmed in by medical equipment, I would have jumped. ‘How has she been?’

  Something is yanked and pulled, one of the tubes feeding into my body causes a pinprick of discomfort to register in my left hand.

  ‘She was restless just now. Thrashing about.’ Ma’s voice, distressed.

  ‘It happens. She’s not in any pain, I promise.’ The doctor’s—I assume he is my doctor—voice tries for assurance. It brings to mind the deep indigo of a summer’s night settling over golden fields. It is threaded through with tiredness.

  What is the hollowness I feel then? I want to ask. This all-encompassing exhaustion.

  ‘She’s doing fine in the circumstances. Her stats have stabilised. The dialysis is doing its job for now.’

  Dialysis? Is that what the machines are for? I have heard that word before. What does it mean? I rack my brains to remember, but my head feels sluggish, it will not cooperate.

  ‘Doctor, I have done the calculations and even if I sell the factory and the cottage, I can only afford to keep her on dialysis for another month or so. What are the chances of finding a donor before then?’ Ma’s voice throbs with pain and worry.

  Sell the factory? The cottage? Oh God, no . . .

  ‘Have you spoken with your sister?’ The doctor sounds grave.

  What is he saying? Is he talking to Ma? What does he mean?

  ‘Yes.’ Ma stumbles a bit over that one word of assent.

  What? Ma’s sister? Ma doesn’t have a sister!

  ‘She’s agreed to come here.’ Ma’s voice is the colour of rain-washed tamarind gleaming in the morning sunshine.

  A sister? Ma has a sister? Am I dreaming this?

  Ma and I have laughed about the fact that I am an only child of only children, an oddity in a village where everybody is related to everybody else and have enough relatives to form an army.

  ‘Well then . . .’ The doctor says. I can picture him nodding.

  ‘But . . . she did not promise anything . . . we haven’t been in touch for years you see. Things happened in the past and I . . .’ She chokes on her words.

  There is a longish pause. The doctor clears his throat.

  Then, Ma says, ‘I am hoping that when she sees Kushi she will agree to donate her kidney . . . but in case she decides not to . . .’ Ma’s voice sounds as if it is drowning in a lake of sorrow, swirling with undercurrents of worry and ache. ‘I curse the fact that I have only one kidney. I wish I could give it to her anyway . . . ’

  A kidney? So my kidneys have packed up then . . .

  Now it comes to me what dialysis means: to purify the blood, as a substitute for the normal function of the kidney.I see the car bearing down. I hear the terrifying roar that crowds out everything else. I taste blood . . .

  With effort, I direct my mind away from the memory of the accident and concentrate on what is being said. I still cannot believe Ma has a sister she has never mentioned. Why? She said something happened in the past. What did?

  ‘We are trawling through donor registries, trying to find a match for Kushi.’ The doctor takes a deep breath and his voice sounds as worn as the soles of a farm labourer’s feet. ‘But her blood group is rare and it is taking time . . . we’ll step up the effort, do all we can . . . ’

  ‘Thank you, doctor.’ I know Ma is frantic from the way she breaks up her syllables. I can tell that she has ever more questions, but is sealing them behind the barrier of her lips for now.

  Suddenly I am beset by a horror worse than any I have envisaged. Will I die if they don’t find a donor for me and the money for dialysis runs out? I don’t want to die. Please God. Not yet. I have so many things to do.

  ‘When do you think she will wake up?’

  ‘All in good time. Her body has been traumatised. It is still recuperating. It needs the medium of sleep to heal. Why do you ask?’

  ‘I have to go to the bank . . .’ Worry paints Ma’s voice the wet brown of muddy meadows.

  How much money does dialysis cost? Can we afford it? Which hospital is this? We cannot be in Dhoompur clinic, it does not have the requisite facilities. So where am I?

  ‘The nurses will keep a close eye on her. And I’ll come by every half hour to check on her. She’ll be fine. Please don’t worry. You do what you have to.’ The doctor is reassuring.

  How long have I been sleeping? How much time have I lost? What day is it today?

 
I push down the rising waves of panic. I hate the fact that I am so completely out of control of my life.

  ‘Thank you, doctor.’ Ma says, her voice awash with gratitude and fear and anxiety and nerves.

  What is this doing to you, Ma? Why did you lie to me, Ma, and tell me you are an only child, like me? Why did you wipe your sister from your life? What else have you lied about?

  I hear the heavy drag of footsteps leading away—the doctor leaving, I presume—and then feel Ma’s hand on mine again.

  ‘Kushi,’ her voice comes softly. ‘I don’t know if you can hear me, sweetie, but I have missed talking to you and I will talk as if you can hear me, okay? I have to go away, just for a bit, just to the bank. We are in Palmipur hospital, the dialysis ward—you were moved here from the ICU yesterday—so it will take me some time to get to Dhoompur and back, but the nurses and doctors here are very nice and will keep an eye on you. They have been absolutely brilliant so far, Kushi, and you will be fine, sweetie, that’s a promise.’ A breath, and then, ‘I feel so terrible. This is all my fault.’

  How? How is this your fault?

  My face is cupped in the palm of Ma’s hand, her touch as comforting as warm shelter on a wet day. I feel her cinnamon-scented breath on my cheeks.

  Ma, the car . . . It came right at me, as if, as if, whoever was inside meant to harm me.

  Voicing the horror of what I experienced, even in the privacy of my own head, and the suspicion that has been lurking since my memory of what happened has returned, makes me shiver and cringe. It is unbelievable. I am making it up, surely? Why would anyone want to hurt me?

  Red letters on faded yellow fluttering beside me as I fall, just before everything fades to black . . .

  As if she’s heard what I am unable to utter out loud, Ma says, once again surprising me with her uncanny penchant for interpreting my thoughts, ‘I should have realised those threats were serious. I should have looked out for you.’

  Despite my fatigue, I am consumed by a welcome flood of rage that sends the adrenaline pulsing through my rigid body.

  ‘You are not to blame,’ I want to tell Ma, but the lethargy that pervades my body, instantly snuffing out the adrenaline, robs me of speech.

  It is so much easier to pretend to be asleep, to not have to see in my mother’s eyes what this is doing to her, to not have to clock the burden of her fear and heartache—which she will try and hide from me but which I can sense even with my eyes closed—especially when I haven’t come to terms with my own fears yet.

  ‘When I get better, I am going after the people who did this to me, and I will bring them down,’ I want to say, but I lack the conviction I had in spades not so long ago. Am I going to get better?

  Those people who did this to me have not only destroyed my kidneys, they also seem to have robbed me of my self-worth, the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. I have always felt older than seventeen, I have always felt invincible. But now I am scared, a frightened little girl.

  I am someone I do not recognise. Someone I do not want to be.

  I am hiding behind my closed lids. It is hard enough to acknowledge my dread to myself; I do not want to see this new, fearful person I have become reflected in my mother’s eyes.

  ‘The police are looking into who did this and the villagers are on their case. Everyone in Bhoomihalli and beyond are up in arms and will not rest until they have caught and punished whoever did this to their beloved, young leader,’ Ma says, gently. ‘Kushi, the most important thing is getting you better. And you will, sweetheart,’ her voice, shaky but determined, imparts faith. ‘And don’t you go worrying your pretty head about the cost either. I am going to sell the factory. ’

  No, ma, not the factory.

  I can feel her taking a deep breath. ‘And there is something else, sweetheart. I have wanted to tell you this for a long time. But I . . .’ she gulps and then the words come out in a burning rush like the murky water that gushes from the borewell after several gurgling false starts. ‘Kushi, I have a sister. She is coming here to see you. I’m sorry I did not tell you earlier, Kushi. I . . . I meant to. But . . . so much happened in the past, and she and I . . . we’re not close anymore and . . . the longer I left it, the harder it became.’ A pause, then, ‘I am leaving some letters for you to read here by your bedside, just in case you wake up before I come back, sweetie. They’ll tell you what happened, why I haven’t spoken of my sister . . .’

  Letters. The sheaf of papers she’d been clutching when I opened my eyes and saw her beloved self snoozing in the chair beside me.

  ‘In these letters which I’ve written over the years, I’ve penned our story: yours and mine, every word a prayer and a wish. Like you, I too find solace in words, Kushi. These letters are like my diary. I carry them everywhere with me, tucked into my sari blouse, adding more letters to the pile as and when I feel the need to write. They were with me when this happened to you and I’ve written a couple more and have been re-reading the earlier ones while waiting for you to wake. I hope they’ll tell you what I have tried and failed to do so many times all these years. I hope they will explain what I cannot.’ Her voice makes me think of marshmallow clouds in a rainbow sky at sunset.

  ‘I am going now, my love. I will be back before you know it.’ I feel her breath warming my cheeks, her lips pressing against my forehead. I am enveloped in her smell: sweat and sandalwood and worry and fear.

  Then I hear the soft rustle of paper settling, the breezy swish of her sari skirt, her gentle footfall walking away. She is gone, and I am bereft. The displaced air beside my bed settles with a sigh. My heart is heavy with the weight of words unsaid.

  I wait, listening to the sounds around me. The grumbles and the groans of pain. The determinedly cheerful chatter of nurses and the discordant drone of visiting relatives.

  Then, slowly, I drag my unwilling eyes open, and look around.

  I can make out rows of beds on either side of me, their occupants sprouting tubes like mine; only part of a hand, or a curl of ebony hair, or a flash of skin are visible.

  Before I can take in any more, a nurse bustles up, smiling kindly. ‘Awake, missy? And how are we doing?’ She adjusts some of the tubes feeding into my body.

  ‘Your ma has not left your bedside all this while, not even to eat.’ The nurse nods toward the chair beside me. ‘That’s been her bed you know, that chair and a similar one when you were in the ICU. Just her luck that the moment she pops out, you wake up.’

  I feel a stab of guilt. I couldn’t face you, Ma. Not when I’m all over the place. Sorry, Ma. I need some time to gather myself.

  ‘She’ll be back soon. Meanwhile, you’ll be seeing rather a lot of me.’ The nurse winks. ‘Your ma asked us no less than twenty times to keep an eye on you before she left.’ She grins, yanking at a tube. It stings.

  To distract myself, I look past the row of beds, breathing in the pale lemon smell of medicine and misery, urine and phenyl, hurt and entreaties, anguish and hope. I imagine I can hear the whisper of a thousand frantic prayers, heroic faith trumping desperate odds. I fancy I can taste the greenish orange of wretched despair at war with cautious optimism.

  Doctors—fatigued gods in their smudged white coats and sallow grey faces—field, with each impeded step, the pleading, prostrate relatives, with their folded hands and their swollen eyes, begging them to rescue their loved ones from the dominion of death.

  ‘All looking good. Your doctor will be along shortly. I will look in on you again in a bit. If you need anything just press this button here.’ And with another kind smile, the nurse moves up to the next bed.

  The chair beside me is devoid of Ma, but, as promised, she has left letters there in her stead.

  I have a purpose now, something to distract me from my misery. My mother’s story and why she has never mentioned her sister all this while.

  The other Kushi, the girl I was before the accident, would have been annoyed with Ma for keeping such a big thing to herself, not s
haring it with me. Especially when she has always stressed the importance of truth, taught me to prize honesty, and to live my life by it. Especially when I have always believed there were no secrets between us, that she was as transparent with me as I have always been with her, which is why I pretended to be asleep just now, so I didn’t have to lie to her, by having to show a composure I do not feel. I did not want to show her how terrified I am, and for her to have to deal with that as well as the fact of my accident, and the frantic rooting around for funds to pay for my dialysis, and the desperate search for a kidney donor and the very real possibility of my considerably shortened lifespan.

  Now though, I am relieved that there is something to divert me from this living nightmare. I am pleased to have something else to focus on other than my uncooperative, wrecked body.

  I pick up the first letter, written in Ma’s elegant handwriting.

  ‘Ma, I know you wanted to be a doctor but you would never have passed muster, not with this beautiful handwriting,’ I had said once.

  She had looked up at me, her eyes puzzled, scrutinising me over her glasses.

  ‘Aren’t doctors’ notes notoriously illegible?’

  And she had laughed that cascading laugh of hers.

  She has told me she had to give up studying medicine when her parents died, as she was unable to concentrate on her studies and failed her exams. Is that a lie too?

  I suppose I will find out; the answers to all my questions right here in these letters, in her words. I remember her holding my hand and helping me form letters as a child. She had sat with me patiently every day until my handwriting became neat enough to pass muster. The teachers at school would mark my work but she would make me redo it until it was up to her standards.

  ‘Presentation is important,’ she said, again and again, ‘whether you are cooking, or dressing up to go to school, or writing. Your handwriting says so much about the person you are.’

  My fine handwriting, (although not as lovely as hers), is thanks to her.

  I look at the first letter, my eyes burning. These are letters my ma has written to her mother.