How Does a Moment Last Forever?

by Jenna Michaelson

  Breathe, I said to myself. Calm down and breathe.

  I felt calmer and turned to go back into the pub. When I turned around, Melissa was there holding two glasses of wine. “I think we’ll be needing these,” she said, smiling.

  “And the rest,” I replied, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve told the waiter to keep them coming.”

  I enjoyed Melissa’s company. There was a sense of solidarity between us, but I knew the conversation would soon turn, and onto subjects we shouldn’t really have discussed when loaded with copious amounts of wine.

  Chapter Four

  “What was all that about,” Melissa asked.

  “Nothing really, just Zane being an idiot.” I didn’t want to make her feel awkward.

  “Because you’re here with me, right?”

  “Yes, and no. I didn’t tell him we were meeting, so that only added fuel to the fire.”

  “I’m not your husband’s biggest fan, but maybe he’s right and you should have told him.”

  “Nothing I can do about that now, is there?”

  “Should make for an interesting conversation when you get home.” She smirked, then raised her glass as if to toast us.

  I got the impression Melissa was happy there was friction between me and my husband, but we were stronger as a unit than she might want to believe.

  “Anyway, enough about me, tell me what you’ve been up to lately.”

  The dour expression on her face said it all. “Existing, really. I don’t know what to do with myself these days. I have more money than sense, but there’s only so many holidays, or spa days before it gets boring.”

  “I wish I had the time for one of those.” I slugged the wine back. Very unladylike I know, but I was beginning to regret this meeting.

  “Everything I was interested in before Chad… gone.”

  “Give yourself time.” What else could I say? “You’re still grieving.”

  “But why? Chad was a lying, cheating, sonofabitch – not the world’s best husband.”

  I was treading on dangerous ground here. The Chad I got to know was full of remorse for how he’d treated Melissa, but that piece of information would mean nothing coming from me. “I don’t know what to say to make anything better for you.”

  “Sometimes I wish you hadn’t told me.”

  I know how she felt. “I’m sorry – maybe I shouldn’t have.”

  “But then you wouldn’t have managed to save your own marriage. No, you were right to tell me, but it doesn’t make it any easier in the long run. Chad’s affair wasn’t the most shocking of revelations, more the fact, he was cheating on me with a man. Surely, you must have felt the same?”

  “I can’t lie and say it wasn’t a surprise. Zane had never given me the slightest indication he was sexually attracted to guys. Did Chad?”

  “Not as such, but looking back, the signs were there. I just chose not to see them.”

  “He didn’t mean to break your heart.”

  “I don’t think he did. You know that wasn’t his only affair. There were plenty more he was caught out in, but I didn’t realise it was guys he was fooling around with. No, he didn’t break my heart, he broke any sense of trust I might have with anybody going forward.”

  “Don’t think like that. You have a right to be happy too.”

  “I went on a date, you know. Gorgeous guy, kind, caring – totally my type, but all I could see was Chad, so it went nowhere. I felt guilty, like I was betraying his memory.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “Betraying his memory. Ha,” she scoffed. “He thought nothing of betraying me and didn’t even have the balls to tell me himself. You had to do it for him.”

  “I shouldn’t have turned up like that, but I was in my feelings and…”

  “You wanted to hurt Chad, like he hurt you, but it was me that took the brunt of your anger, wasn’t it?”

  I felt ashamed, thankful the waiter came to refill my empty glass. I picked it up and took a gentle sip. “Maybe you’re right, but time has passed by and I look at things differently now.”

  “How so?”

  “Would I still do everything the way I had? No, probably not if I’d known how things would turn out, but I can’t change the past.”

  “I know,” she said, reaching out for my hand. “And I’m sorry if it seems I’m taking it out on you, but this is the first time I’ve really had the chance to talk about what happened. I’m too ashamed to tell anybody back home.”

  “What do they know?”

  “They think we drifted apart and that we were heading for a reconciliation when he died.”

  “Shit,” I said. “That’s a hard lie to keep up with.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  Meeting up with Melissa was always going to be difficult and while she tried to hide it, I know she blames me for ripping her world apart. Yes, she knew Chad wasn’t perfect, but she was happy with the status quo. Subsequent meetings went much better, but despite our friendship, there is that schism that will always exist between us.

  I once broached the subject of her meeting with Zane and was shut down in seconds. It’s a shame because that meeting would give her the closure she needs.

  Zane - I was irate with Jenna when she told me she’d secretly arranged to meet Melissa. To me, it made everything slip back to the forefront of my mind. I didn’t want to deal with the guilt, the what ifs, and the constant replay in my mind of the look Melissa had given me at Chad’s funeral. It was just a look, but I knew the words she was thinking – you should be the one that died.

  I’d compartmentalised a lot of things I’d done, not because I was trying to convince myself they hadn’t happened, or that I wasn’t responsible for the status quo, but because I dwell too much on things, and dwelling on stuff I have no control over, or something I can’t change the outcome of, would do neither me, or Jenna any good.

  Would Jenna’s association with Chad’s widow force her to rethink her re-dedication to our marriage? Would it bring the pain I’d caused crashing back and somehow make her think she was better off without me?

  Aside from my own selfishness, I didn’t understand the need for a friendship between the two, and that was from both Melissa’s and Jenna’s point of view. But reading Jenna’s words, I see the kindred spirit analogy. I understand it, and whilst I’m not saying I liked it then, or that I like it now, they are firm friends and I’ve never been the controlling type to pick and choose my wife’s friends and acquaintances. God help me if I ever tried. I mean, you read above how she reacted to my tantrum.

  Petite she may be, but she can be a force of nature when backed into a corner, and as strong as I know I am, she could wipe the floor with me.

  Oh, and just so you know how wicked her sense of humour can be… as I sit and type these words. Jenna is in fits of laughter at one particular memory – hanging up on me can propel me from calm to apoplectic in mere seconds.

  Chapter Five

  I wasn’t at the falling over drunk stage, but I felt a little tipsy, almost wobbling off the stool in front of the breakfast bar.

  Safe in the knowledge my girls were at Mama’s for the night, I poured myself another drink, waiting for Zane to come home.

  I had no idea where he’d gone, nor was I going to call him, walk into his game, and ask him where he was.

  Instead, I continued drinking, momentarily forgetting the approaching storm.

  Hearing lock turn in the front door, I braced myself for the verbal onslaught. The door slammed shut and the kitchen window rattled. I flinched and almost slipped off the chair.

  He walked into the kitchen, looked me up and down, immediately sending my blood pressure sky high and setting my temper ablaze. He’d been to the gym, still in his shorts and weirdly enough seeing the veins in his arms bulging from his workout, as angry as I was, I wanted to pounce on him. He turned his nose up, like he’d caught a whiff of something offensive. Immediately, a
ny thoughts of rampant sex on the counter top vanished.

  “Don’t you dare look me up and down like I’m nothing,” I screamed. He looked taken aback by my onslaught.

  “I’m not discussing anything with you, not when you’re like this.” He turned to walk away, but I knew him too well. There was no way he would surrender the moment so easily. As he paused, and began to turn, I stuck my tongue out at him. “You should be ashamed of yourself being in this state so early in the day.”

  I knew he was trying to bait me, but I was trying my hardest not to rise to it. Still smiling. “Whatever you say,” was my reply. He would hate my flippant attitude.

  “Is that why you shipped the girls off to your mother’s, ‘cos you wanted to get pissed?”

  Oh, no, no, no, I thought. You’re not pulling that one on me. “No, Zane, I sent the girls to mama’s because I knew you’d be a first-class twat when I got home and didn’t want them to hear us arguing.”

  “Arguing,” he said, adopting an angelic tone. “As talented as you are, Jen, even you can’t argue with yourself.”

  I wanted to knock his head clean off his shoulders. “Don’t try and manipulate me, you’re not the only one in this marriage with more than one brain cell.”

  “You’re paranoid, do you know that?” was his reply, and the one that tipped me over the edge. I knew I couldn’t hold back, and I threw every ounce of vitriol and anger I could at him.

  “Paranoid!” I yelled. “I could be paranoid every time you walk out that door, wondering where you’ll dip your wick next time, but I’m not and that’s because I trust you, but if I dare go somewhere you don’t agree with, I have to listen to this crap.”

  “It’s not where you went, but who you were with.”

  “I befriended your ex-boyfriend, and you were fine with that, but you’re not happy with me talking to Melissa.”

  “Exactly,” he replied.

  I laughed at him. “Tough,” I bellowed. “Get used to it, because if anybody deserves my sympathy out of this mess, it’s her. She’s got nothing left, but bad memories and lies. You might want to bury your head in the sand and pretend you didn’t do to her what you did, but she doesn’t have that luxury, so the least you can do is try and understand why she needs somebody to talk to.”

  “She wants to cause trouble, let her talk to a shrink,” he argued. “I can’t believe you’re being this naïve.”

  I stood up, staggered over to him and pointed my finger in his face. Anger was pouring from me. “If you want to keep those teeth, I’d close your mouth right now because you’re sailing dangerously close to offending me more than you ever have.”

  He looked at me. “You don’t…”

  “I’m warning you, Zane. One more word, you can pack your cases and get out, and this time, it’ll be for good.” He made as if to speak, but I held my hand up. “How dare you talk down to me, like I’m some silly little woman who doesn’t know her own mind? Now, get out of my sight. You make me sick.”

  He was steadfast and didn’t move.

  I pushed past him and left him standing there, mouth agape. I stormed out the room, giving him a taste of his own medicine before slamming the door.

  “Wench,” he yelled after me. Usually, this was a pet name he used when we were joking around with one another, but this time, it was most definitely an insult.

  “Dickhead,” I yelled back, stomping up the stairs.

  Zane – Where there is love, there is always friction. Jen and I are no different. From my point of view, we have a unique relationship, but when we row, the decibel level is off the scale. This time, I deserved to be put in my place. My wife is very ladylike, but when provoked, she uses language a trucker would be ashamed of. It makes me cringe, but that’s why she does it; for effect. It’s like My Fair Lady in reverse.

  Chapter Six

  The inside of my skull rattled and felt like a jackhammer had taken residence. Jesus, how much did I drink yesterday?

  Sliding my feet out of bed and cautiously sitting up, the room began to spin. I flopped back down. Seconds later, I had no choice but to get up as I started to retch and just about made it to the toilet as the wine or whatever else I’d drunk came back. My breath could have been classified as a chemical weapon.

  I cleaned my teeth and dared to look in the mirror.

  Lord help me. I looked like a bag lady. There was nothing I could do about it now and there wasn’t one ounce of will residing in me to do anything about it. Besides, I needed to call the girls, get that over with, then, despite my internal reluctance, find the energy to make myself presentable for when they did come home. If my mother dropped them off, I’d never hear the end of it, and today of all days, a lecture from her I could well do without. I got back into bed.

  Pulling my blonde hair back into a messy pony tail, I leaned back on the headboard as the tremors started, picked the phone up and video called the girls.

  “Hi, Daddy,” I groaned, as his face appeared on the screen.

  “Heavy night?” my dad teased, trying not to laugh. He sounded too jolly, especially since I was feeling anything but.

  “Sorry I didn’t call last night.”

  “It’s okay, love. The girls were fine, and we guessed you and Zane would be relaxing with a few drinks, but you must have had more than you intended.” He smiled. “You look a little worse for wear.”

  “I was out with a friend.”

  “Oh, like that,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Are you and his Lordship talking to one another this morning?”

  “He’s a pig,” I replied, quite unlike me, as I prefer my parents to know as little as possible about my marital woes.

  “I’m sure you’ll sort it out,” he said, diplomatically. My dad was a total sweetheart. Had my mother answered the phone, she would have given her opinion whether I wanted it or not, then tried to fish for more information.

  “Yeah, but please don’t mention anything to Mama, you know what she’s like.”

  “My lips are sealed, now let me go and get the girls. They’ve been asking after you. Oh, and sweetheart…”

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “Do something with your miserable face before the girls see you.”

  I grinned at him. “That better?”

  “Cheeky.” He disappeared from view, and then came the girls’ excited voices.

  Zane – It warms my heart to hear she suffered the hangover. Serves her right. Usually, I’d wait on her hand and foot when she’d over indulged, but not this time.

  Chapter Seven

  We didn’t speak to one another for over a week. And that was only remedied after he offered a half-assed apology.

  “You were out of order,” he said, and with hindsight, he was right (damn!) and I should have told him beforehand, but then again, nothing he said would have stopped me from going, so the same fallout would have occurred, but over a slightly different reason.

  “Maybe a little,” I conceded, refusing to completely surrender. “But I won’t have you telling me who I can and can’t see.”

  “Fine,” he said, sulking. “At least have the decency to tell me next time.

  “I will, but it won’t affect the outcome.” He was pushing his luck. “As long as you’re aware of that, Zane.” He stormed out the kitchen, but hostilities had ceased.

  I had a feeling he wouldn’t carry the argument on, knowing it would affect that night’s plans, but I knew it wasn’t the end of the discussion, as he put it. And trust me, many times since, we’ve had the same argument. One day he might learn.

  Zane – That evening’s plans had nothing to do with my stand down. I’d made my point and regardless of what Jenna says, if she wants total honesty, it can’t be a one-sided deal. The problem with my wife is, she doesn’t like to be caught out, and when she is, she jumps on the defensive. She knew she was in the wrong but won’t give in gracefully – only giving the tiniest bit. Jenna sees backing down as a weakness, but in this case, I knew the meeting with M
elissa wouldn’t be the first, or last, and if she full out apologised and swore not to see her again, I’d have had her hook, line and sinker. That evening’s plans were a different thing altogether. I was shitting myself, my anxiety levels stratospheric. Trying to appear cool is hard when you’re married to a woman who can often read me like a book. It was a new path we were taking and in truthfulness, the nerves and anxiety I felt were more to do with my fear of losing Jen and nothing else.

  Chapter Eight

  I don’t mind admitting how nervous I was.

  Going head first into the unknown was an entirely new concept for me, but I was so deeply aroused by my own overactive imagination, it was all I could think about.

  Tonight, Zane and I would be going to a new club we’d been told about. Not a nightclub, but a totally different exclusive kind of club. I can’t say the name of it, nor do I really want to make one up, so I’ll just call it ‘The Club.’

  It was one of those adult venues that you got admitted to by invite only. I’d been told about it long ago and dismissed it as disgusting. Turning my nose to the air like Lady Muck, as though shenanigans of that sort were beneath me, I dismissed the idea. “We aren’t into that stuff,” I remember saying.

  Well, I wasn’t lying, because back then, we weren’t into anything apart from the norm, but the dynamics of our sexual relationship had changed course, and luckily, we were fixed on the same page.

  Both of us agreed we were happy with our sex life, but a little something extra, and maybe a touch spicier than the usual, wouldn’t hurt. We could look, but not touch, and that suited both of us perfectly.

  I knew Zane had a jealous streak and could never stand to see me with anybody else. I had no desire to see him with anybody else again either. That moment died with Chad.