With This Man

by Jodi Ellen Malpas

  She breathes out, exasperated. ‘Anyone would think I’d just told you I have one month to live.’ Her twitch is immediate, and so is my growl. ‘Sorry,’ she squeaks, lips pressed together, probably a ploy to stop her saying any more stupid shit.

  ‘Don’t think because you’re pregnant I won’t slap your arse silly.’

  ‘Wouldn’t be the first time,’ she grunts, and then she gasps, her eyes wide. ‘Oh my God!’

  My head drops back, my eyes closing. ‘Yes, I did that,’ I confirm. I don’t get all excited at this morsel of a memory, and I don’t search for more. This is how it is now. How it’ll always be. Little pieces here and there, and maybe one day in a few hundred years, she’ll have the whole story. I’m hoping minus a few not so pretty parts. Like Lauren. And the accident. And the . . . I let my thoughts trail off there and bat back the growing guilt. I have more important things to think about. Especially now.

  ‘You animal,’ Ava teases, and I laugh. She never fucking fought me. ‘So what now, then?’

  ‘Now,’ I say, slowly bending at the waist, keeping our eye contact as I lower my head. ‘Now we have another baby.’ It’s that simple. I drop a kiss on her tummy and take pure pleasure from her happy beam. How could I deny her this? Bottom line, I couldn’t. And I won’t.

  ‘When should we tell the twins?’ she asks, losing her delight for a split second. She’s worried. There’s no need. I saw Maddie with Betty the other day. She was besotted. And Jacob is so laid-back he’s nearly horizontal. They’ll be fine.

  ‘Let’s focus on Drew and Raya for today.’ I lift her down and drop a light kiss on her forehead. ‘Let’s not steal their thunder.’

  She smiles, and her eyes sparkle brightly. It’s the sparkle that’s been absent for far too long. So I’m gonna be a dad again? I roll my naked shoulders and smooth my hair in the mirror. I must be the best-looking fifty-year-old dad who ever lived.

  Chapter 49

  The ceremony was beautiful, the small church in a village on the outskirts of the city crammed with white orchids and a few dozen guests. Kate and Ava cried like a pair of babies. And Raya looked out of this world in a long satin gown. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Drew smile so wide. The man looked like he was walking on clouds the entire service, and little Georgia was grinning from ear to ear.

  We finally make it to the elaborate tent in a field in the quaint village after being accosted for photographs and ordered into various groups here and there. I’m not surprised when we break through the billowing voile sheets at the entrance to find Sam with a beer in one hand, Betty in the other. Maddie is off like a rocket when she spots Georgia helping to ladle punch into glasses for guests, ever willing to help, and Jacob goes about finding our names on the place cards around the tables.

  I leave Ava to use the ladies and approach Sam, my eyes nailed to the bundle of joy lying across his left arm. One minute my hands are empty, the next they’re full of a baby. I look at Sam, alarmed. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Just give me a minute; I forgot to bring in Betty’s changing bag from the car.’ He’s gone before I can protest, leaving me to fend for myself.

  Like a big oaf, I carefully negotiate her into the cradle of my arm. So carefully. I’m all nervous. I did this a million times with my own, but that was a long, long time ago. I look down at her adorable little face. Her hair is Kate all over, red and vibrant, even now, but she has Sam’s cute nose. She’s awake, her hands at her mouth. I remember the signs. She’s hungry. And the flakes of skin scattered between the red strands of her hair are signs of cradle cap. I remember that, too. I smile, taking my index finger to her cheek and stroking her baby-soft skin.

  A million memories come back to me, times I’d forgotten recently amid the chaos of our lives. The times the twins would lie on my chest and snooze, Ava curled into my side. The times I juggled feeding both of them, getting it down to a fine art. How quickly I figured out that Jacob was more patient than Maddie, so I’d see to her dirty nappy first. The joy I used to get at bath time, watching their little limbs splash the shallow water. And that smell. The smell I couldn’t get enough of. Pure, perfect baby scent. It was like a sedative, could send me to sleep. And it often did.

  ‘Hey, man, you okay?’ Sam’s question rouses me from my reflections, and I pull back my finger from Betty’s cheek, coughing my throat clear as I hand her back to her dad. Sam lowers his mouth to his daughter’s head. ‘I think Uncle Jesse is getting broody.’

  I scoff for the sake of it, to mask our secret. ‘My baby days are done.’ Total lie. ‘Where’s Kate?’

  ‘She’s just using the ladies before she finds somewhere quiet to feed Betty.’

  A riotous applause breaks out when Drew and Raya enter the marquee, all attention turning their way. And when Drew dramatically dips Raya and kisses the living daylights out of her, the noise ramps up a few thousand decibels.

  Betty starts squawking, the shrillness piercing the cheers. ‘Oh, fuck, it’s dinnertime and she’s pissed off at the noise.’ Sam heads off to find Kate, and I head to Drew, pulling him away from a playfully scowling Raya.

  ‘Your turn in a minute,’ I assure her cheekily, landing a kiss on my mate’s cheek. ‘Congratulations, you great pussy.’

  ‘Fuck you.’ He laughs, his blue eyes sparkling happily. ‘How’s Ava?’

  Pregnant! My head screams the announcement, but my mouth refuses to say it. Not because I don’t want to, I kind of do, maybe to get some reassurance from my pals, but because this is Drew and Raya’s day, and the shine shouldn’t be taken off that. ‘She’s good. But just you worry about giving your wife the day she deserves.’

  He smiles, looking across to the gorgeous Raya, a section of her platinum blonde hair plaited and pinned, forming a pretty band across her head, flowers woven throughout. ‘Doesn’t she look gorgeous?’ Drew muses as she joins us, tucking herself neatly into his side.

  ‘Beautiful,’ I agree, bending to kiss her cheek before returning my attention to Drew. ‘Hey, do you remember that time when you turned up at my house in a state because you’d made love to a woman?’ I very nearly have to dip to miss the daggers coming at me.

  ‘What’s that, then?’ Raya asks, interested.

  ‘Nothing,’ Drew says moodily, his dark stare on me.

  He knows me. Too well. ‘For the record, the woman he’d made love to was you.’

  ‘I’d hope so!’ she laughs. ‘Since before me he only fucked with those chains of his.’

  Drew moans, claiming a glass of water from a tray and placing it in his wife’s hand. ‘Yes, I was a fucker before I met you and now I’m a lover.’ He pecks her lips. ‘You’ve turned me.’

  ‘Who’s turned who?’ Ava asks, joining us.

  As the waiter passes again, I take a glass of water from the tray and put it in her hand. ‘Raya turned Drew from a fucker to a master lovemaker. Not dissimilar to you and me.’ I smile bright and cheekily.

  ‘You still fuck, Ward,’ she says drily, smiling at Raya when she laughs, each of them taking a sip of their wa—

  Hold up.

  My eyes meet Drew’s, and I know we’re thinking the exact same thing. ‘Why isn’t your wife indulging in champagne on your wedding day?’ I ask.

  ‘Why isn’t yours?’ he retorts.

  ‘She’s thirsty.’

  ‘So is Raya.’

  I feel my lips twitching, prompting Drew’s to tweak at the corners, too. ‘Oh my God,’ Raya breathes. ‘Me and Drew are pregnant!’

  ‘Us too!’ I yell, way too loudly, earning a knock of my arm from Ava.

  ‘What the fuck?’ Drew baulks.

  ‘Oh my God!’ Raya sings.

  ‘What?’ Sam asks, scanning us all as he rejoins the group. I look to Drew, to Raya, and then to Ava. And shrug. I’m not leading on this one.

  Drew sighs, but his smile isn’t containable. �
��We were saving it for after the wedding, but doesn’t look like that’s happening.’ He wraps his arms around Raya’s shoulder. ‘We’re having a baby.’

  ‘No way!’ Sam’s on them with enthusiasm, knocking Raya’s water all over the place. ‘Congratulations, you two!’

  ‘Thanks.’ Raya blushes somewhat, pointing her empty glass to us while she wipes down her dress. ‘And congratulations to Jesse and Ava, too.’

  ‘Huh?’ Sam swings around, looking at us in turn. ‘What are you two celebrating?’

  I look at Ava. She looks at me. ‘The medication she’s on screwed with her pill.’

  Sam is silent for a few uncomfortable seconds, looking between us. And then he falls apart, hands on his knees and everything. ‘Fuck, Jesse. Say hello to karma.’

  My situation makes me the laughing stock of the whole group, including my wife, who reaches for my face and gives it a sarcastic pat. ‘Poor baby.’

  ‘Be quiet. I’ve got my head around it now.’

  ‘Head around what?’ Kate asks, handing Betty to a laughing Sam.

  He just can’t contain himself, jerking his girl in his arms as he wipes at his eyes. ‘Raya’s pregnant,’ he tells her.

  ‘Oh God, you guys!’ Kate gushes.

  ‘And so is Ava.’

  ‘What the fuck?’ She swings around, blue eyes wide, her red hair whipping her face.

  ‘See.’ Ava chucks a heavy hand in the air. ‘This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone today. Now I feel like I’ve stolen two lots of thunder.’

  Raya muscles me out of the way and puts a comforting arm around Ava’s waist. ‘Are you kidding me? I can’t wait to be expecting with you. You’re a pro. I’m gonna need all the help I can get.’

  I could kiss the woman. She couldn’t have said a nicer thing at a better time. ‘We’ll be the baby club!’ Kate sings, delighted.

  ‘We haven’t told the twins yet.’ That worry I don’t like passes over Ava’s face. Everyone looks across to the drinks table, where Jacob is cracking the caps off bottles of beer for the men, and Georgia and Maddie are still happily pouring punch. ‘Does Georgia know?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes.’ Raya beams. ‘She’s more excited than Drew.’

  ‘Here’s to babies,’ Sam whisper-hisses, raising his glass as he bends towards us.

  ‘To babies,’ we all chant quietly, leaning into our little circle and laughing.

  *

  Good food, good company, amazing venue, superb occasion. It’s been a fucking brilliant day, everyone together, and after Drew and Raya have had their first dance to Eric Clapton’s ‘Wonderful Tonight’, the other guests are invited onto the floor to join them. I look across the table to Ava, her attention split between the happy couple and Betty sleeping in Kate’s arms. It’s how she’s been all day, distracted. She’s imagining our family with one more person. I am, too.

  The song fades, and another begins. My heart skips too many beats as Ava darts her eyes across to me, and I wonder if this is a purposeful move on Drew’s part. I shoot him a look on the dance floor, his expression telling me everything. My eyes thank him as I slowly return my gaze to my wife, my heart booming nervously.

  I smile when I find her still watching me, and I nod mildly, telling her that the recognition happening in her head is right.

  I rise to my feet and walk slowly around the table, holding out my hand to Ava as ‘Chasing Cars’ plays. ‘If you have no better offers.’ I raise a cocky eyebrow, blinded by her shy smile as she gets to her feet.

  ‘Never will.’

  I walk her onto the floor, nodding at Drew to tell him today is a job well done as I pull Ava into my chest, one arm around her shoulders, my spare hand resting on her waist. ‘Hey, Mummy,’ I whisper down at her, starting to slowly sway us.

  ‘Hey, Daddy.’

  I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment flourish inside me. It tells me that this is right. I won’t ever argue with the Fates, and the Fates want to give us another baby. ‘I love you, woman,’ I say, pulling her closer, her head settling in my chest. I rest mine on hers, continuing to move slowly on the spot, taking an age to turn a full circle.

  ‘So you’ll be there on Tuesday? For the scan?’

  ‘Just try to stop me.’ I smile into her hair. ‘And when do you want to tell the kids?’

  ‘I don’t want them to think I’m replacing them. Or replacing the memories of their baby days with new ones.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. They’d never think that.’

  I feel her chest press against mine, her inhale long and deep, as I catch the twins across the way watching us. Both of them are smiling, Jacob with his arm around his sister. Me and Ava, we make them happy. Just being together. I flick my head at them, ordering them over. I expect a protest, but neither does. In fact, they’re quite speedy across the floor.

  ‘We have company,’ I say to Ava, gently nudging her from my chest. She looks around and finds them, smiling and opening one arm as she keeps her hold of me with the other, inviting them in. Maddie and Jacob join us, and our little huddle continues to turn on the spot, mine and Ava’s heads above the twins, her eyes on mine. Love. It’s blasting through me unstoppably, lighting my veins, warming my soul. This is just about fucking perfect. And then Ava reaches across and presses a kiss to my mouth, a soft kiss, a lingering kiss. And I’m proven wrong. Now, this is perfect. And it’s the perfect time to share our news.

  ‘Maddie, Jacob,’ I say, pulling both their little faces up from their hiding places. ‘Your mum and I have something to tell you.’

  Ava’s eyes widen a fraction, but I make sure she sees the reassurance in mine.

  ‘What?’ the kids ask in unison, heads swinging back and forth to me and Ava.

  ‘What is it?’ Jacob’s face falls. ‘Is Mum okay? Are you okay, Mum?’

  ‘I’m fine, darling.’ She kisses his head, and he settles immediately. ‘Trust me, I’m so fine.’

  ‘Then what’s up?’

  I breathe in and release our announcement on a stream of air. ‘There’s going to be another someone for me to go crazy over.’

  Frowns. Two very deep frowns. And Ava laughs, though she doesn’t correct me.

  ‘What your dad means is’ – she takes over, clearly thinking she can break the news better than I can – ‘I’m having a baby.’

  She holds her breath, waiting for their reactions. Please, guys, don’t go off the deep end.

  ‘A baby?’ Jacob asks, flipping a frown to me. ‘Like a little brother or sister?’

  I don’t mention the fact that I’m praying, proper praying, that it’s a boy, because any more women in my life will be the death of me. ‘That’s right.’

  They’re quiet, obviously mulling over the bombshell. And then ‘Chasing Cars’ fades to nothing and it’s silent, except for the light chatter around us. Good Lord, they need to say something quick before Ava has a meltdown.

  ‘A baby,’ Maddie hums.

  ‘A baby.’ Jacob tilts his head, ever the one to really ponder things.

  Then they look at each other and grin. And they laugh. They laugh so fucking hard. Ava and I toss bewildered looks at each other, silently asking one another if we have any clue what’s so funny. We don’t. So I ask, ‘What’s tickled you two?’

  ‘Oh my God, Dad, you’re so old!’ Maddie chuckles. I’ve never sworn at my kids. Not ever, and it’s taking everything in me, and then some, not to break that rule now. Ava doesn’t help when she snorts unattractively, holding her hand over her nose. But Jacob, God bless my boy, comes straight to me and shakes my hand. ‘Congratulations, Dad.’

  I have to swallow before I speak. ‘Cheers, mate.’ I could cuddle him as he throws his arms around his mum and hugs her with force.

  ‘I love you, Mum.’

  Fuck me. I blink to keep the tears at bay, but Ava doesn’t manag
e to. She’s full-on crying as she pulls Maddie in, too, her face going straight between their heads. ‘I love you both. So much.’

  I’m a big fat mess of a man. Totally fucked, and I don’t care who sees as I haul my family into me. My life is held in my hands in this moment.

  My wife, my babies.

  And a new life.

  Chapter 50

  As I drive Ava to her appointment on Tuesday, my mind is reeling with constant questions. Should we tell Dr Peters about the pregnancy? Are the risks higher given her condition? She’s forgetting things all the while. Small things, but still things. Will she need another CAT scan and will it risk the baby’s health if she does? And her age, not that I would ever mention that to Ava. She’s not in her twenties any more.

  My head begins to ache.

  ‘Stop it,’ Ava says across the car, looking at me like she knows what I’m thinking. She undoubtedly does. My wife can read me like a book. Now, given the dam holding back her memories, I’m even more amazed at her ability. Her hand lands on my thigh. I breathe out deeply and squeeze her fingers. ‘Why don’t you tell me about our first scan with the twins,’ she suggests, clearly trying to distract me from my worry. It works.

  My sharp bout of laughter fills the car. That moment. The lack of feeling in my legs when the doctor pointed to two heartbeats. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But my amusement fades when I remember how we came to be in hospital having an unscheduled scan. A scan to check if my babies were still alive. My stomach turns, endless flashbacks assaulting my mind – Ava’s accident, my stolen car . . . the sight of blood trickling down her bare leg. I shudder, and I know Ava feels it because she shifts in her seat, facing me, looking at my disposition with a roadmap of lines on her forehead.

  ‘What is it, Jesse? You’re white as a sheet.’

  ‘Nothing.’ Shit, I need to pull myself around. I summon a smile to reassure her. There will be no mention of my stolen car or how the driver ran Ava off the road. That was the beginning of the events that would lead to the worst moments of our lives. She doesn’t need that information. Not now. Maybe never. ‘The day of our first scan,’ I muse, refocusing my attention on the road. ‘You didn’t know I was a twin back then.’