by Jack Parker
'…he had this really crappy jumper…'
A tear fell onto the page which Robin wiped away with speed.
"Good thing I wrote in biro," Kim said quietly.
Robin smiled but it wobbled as he tried to keep his emotions together.
"Thank you," he whispered, "Kim, thank you so much." He shook his head slowly. The gesture was just so big, it was far more than he would have expected. He looked up at her. "I don't know what to say. I just love this."
Kim's smile widened as she saw that her gesture hadn't been so silly after all.
"I hope this helps you to feel a little closer to him tonight," she said quietly.
"It does," whispered Robin. He wanted to say thank you again but it didn't seem enough so instead he wrapped his arms around Kim and hugged her tightly. What started as a warm gesture of thanks soon began to change as Robin felt himself stirring down below and he quickly pulled away. He leaned forward to hide the evidence, using the opportunity to grab his champagne. He didn't want Kim scarpering again.
"So," Kim began, getting her own glass, "I knew Simon really well. I think I know you fairly well too…"
"Just a bit," Robin smiled.
"But I never knew what the two of you were like together," Kim said, almost sadly. She took a mouthful of champagne and looked at him. "tell me what your relationship was like."
The question caught Robin out of the blue. He wasn't expecting that.
"Well," he flustered, "I'm not sure what to say really." He drank a lot of champagne and grabbed the bottle to top them both up.
"What were you like when you were together?" she asked him.
Robin sighed. He put his glass down and leaned back a little. His eyes closed for a moment as he said,
"Whole. We were whole. There's always been a piece of me missing without him."
Kim nodded slowly.
"Simon was the same," she said.
"We could be geeks together and we didn't care," Robin's smile looked far away, "it didn't matter what anyone else thought. We liked so many of the same things, we could just talk for hours and hours and never run out of conversation." He sighed. "Simon was always the practical one. He could think about things logically. I was always the one who got over emotional."
Kim looked at him serous.
"Meaning that he was the one who used to flee a mile if someone was all upset and you're the one who people go to for a listening ear," she said.
"I didn't say that," frowned Robin.
"You always put yourself down when you compare yourself to Simon," Kim told him, "I'm just evening up the score."
Robin sighed.
"Simon was always the ambitious one. He was determined to go as far as he could with work. I don't think I've ever had the same ambition as him."
"Meaning that you care too much about the other people and things you value to waste your whole life working," said Kim.
"Kim!" Robin cried, a tiny laugh in his voice.
"I told you, I'm not letting you put yourself down!
"Well you asked me about this!" said Robin.
"I know, I know, I'm sorry," said Kim.
Robin pushed his hair from his eye.
"I'm not putting myself down, Kim, but… we balanced each other out. Where I had weaknesses he had strengths and vice versa."
Kim's smile was a little sad.
"I can see that," she said quietly as she thought back.
Robin looked at Kim. There was sadness in his expression.
"Kim," he said quietly, "you tell me off for putting myself down but that's all you've done all day. Put yourself down."
Kim looked away. Her expression seemed pained.
"That's not quite the same thing," she said quietly, "I thought I was alright, it's other people that set me straight on that."
"You mean Linda," Robin said a little flatly.
Kim looked away.
"I've not been making enough effort with her lately," she whispered, "if I'm going to save my marriage then I'm going to have to take on board the things that make her unhappy.
"Yeah, but listening to her about things like wanting you to go on a diet when you clearly don't need it…" Robin shook his head. "Don't let her change you, Kim. Compromise by all means, but don't change who you are."
Kim looked down. She knew Robin was right. As much as she might have been at fault in their relationship all Linda seemed to do was put her down. She didn't want to think about that though. She wasn't there to talk about Linda.
"Rob, it's not mine and Linda's anniversary, it's yours and Simon's. Let's get back to the subject at hand, shall we?"
Robin sighed and took a sip of his champagne. The bubbles were still tickling his nose a little and he was going to have to do a very Kim-like belch from the stuff at any moment but he found it more palatable than most alcohol.
"What do you want to know?" he asked.
"Tell me about your first time," said Kim.
Robin looked a little alarmed.
"What?"
"With Simon," Kim clarified. She stared at Robin but his eyes were cast downward and his expression lost and lonely. Maybe some things were just too private. "Simon wouldn't tell me either," she said, watching Robin give a tiny smile. "Alright then, tell me about your last time." He looked at her curiously. It was a strange question to ask. "I know you remember, your last time is as vivid as your first."
Robin looked away, his eyes distant. He had a sad smile upon his face.
"Is this a cue for you to tell me about your last time with Shaz?" he asked, but he knew he wasn't going to get out of answering her question. He sighed and scuffed his toes against the floor. "It was in ninety five," he said so quietly that Kim had to lean forward to hear him, "My last night, just before I woke up. It was the day that… my parents…"
Kim felt her heart ache for Robin and all he'd been through. She reached out to hold his hand and said,
"Go on."
Robin stared at the wall.
"That night we went to that Karaoke club."
Kim nodded.
"Bask," she remembered fondly.
Robin nodded.
"Simon had been acting a bit weird. Sort of distracted and nervous." His smile grew a little stronger, "I soon found out why. It was because he was planning to propose." He glanced at Kim - her expression was intense as she listened to every word. "Kim, I was bowled over, it made a day that had been… so full of trauma… so full of extremes… into one of the best of my life and I'll never forget a moment."
Kim bit her lip. She was still waiting for the juicy part.
"So after he proposed…" she prompted.
Robin blushed a deep red. He looked down and his smile became harder to rein in.
"we danced," he said quietly, "so, so close. But I needed to be closer to him," he wasn't used to talking about this kind of thing, not with anyone. "I had to be with him. Right then." He couldn't meet her gaze as his cheeks grew a deeper shade, "I told him to meet me in the toilets."
"Robin Thomas, I never knew you had it in you!" Kim cried as Robin smiled, a little awkwardly.
"That was the last time," he whispered, "because one minute we'd just been…" he coughed slightly. His modesty prevented him from spelling it out, "then the next I felt funny. There was a light… a blinding light. That's when I woke up and I was back here, in the real world." He gave a deep sigh and shook his head. "I was so happy, Kim. I thought, I've made it – Simon will be next." He shook his head as his expression fell. "But Simon was already dead."
He realised Kim still had hold of his hand as she squeezed it tighter.
"Fuck Rob, I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"I really thought we'd both make it," Robin's voice was shaky, "If I'd known then I never would have fought so hard to get home. I'd have fought to stay."
"I'm glad that you made it," Kim whispered.
Robin tried to smile but he couldn't force one, even for Kim.
"I would have done anyth
ing to stay with Simon," he whispered.
"Maybe there were people here who needed you too much," whispered Kim.
Robin blinked slowly.
"I know I had to come back here to help Alex," he said quietly.
"I didn't mean Alex," Kim's voice was breaking up as though the words were hard for her to say. That was when he turned to look at her. There was a deepness of intensity in her eyes he'd never seen before. They trapped him in an emotional gaze. She looked at him with the deepest sincerity, the greatest of admissions and the most anxious anticipation. Silence passed between them for a few moments, broken only by the sound of Robin swallowing a little harder than necessary and the vague fizzing of the champagne in the background. Eventually Kim spoke again. "I needed you," she whispered, "but I never knew it. Not until now."
Robin felt himself tremble as his heart started to beat faster. He knew where this was going, it was the same way that things had a habit of leading between them and they just couldn't seem to stop it. The same magnetic pull caught them, the same bond drew them in closer and suddenly Robin found himself leaning closer towards her. His eyes closed and he waited for that sensation again. Soon enough her lips touched his; that softness again, that gentle kiss that couldn't seem to get enough of. His hand reached gently to the side of her face, cupped it and held her there against him for a moment but a terrible wave of dread started to wash over him and with an instance of fear he pushed her face away.
"No, Kim," he begged, "stop, please - I can't cope with you running out on me again and you know that you'll only freak out –"
Robin never had a chance to finish his sentence. A look of powerful desperation overtook Kim's face. There were fear and determination reflected in her eyes as she took a bold step that she could never have imagined herself taking before but that something within her found the strength to do. She reached out as fast as lightning and pressed her hand between his legs. The resulting shock and sensation sent a judder through Robin's body that led to a gasp and a cry as she squeezed a little over the area that she'd found impossible to cope with just days before.
As he slowly regained control of his senses his shocked eyes met her anxious ones. Was she doing the right thing? Was this what he wanted? Was she even touching the right place? She had never been so afraid in her life. What she was doing was alien to her, it was abhorrent to her nature, but the pull she felt to Robin gave her the courage to fight her feelings and to prove to him that she wasn't going to run this time.
"Kim," Robin could hardly choke out a word. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He knew what he wanted to do but he was too afraid to do it.
"Robin," she whispered, "I need you."
This time she meant it in a very different way. The fear in her eyes as she made her admission was reflected in Robin's. Neither moved. Neither knew what to do or to say. Whatever decision they made in the next few moments could make or break them; their friendship, their bond, any kind of a future. Kim stared ahead, begging silently with her eyes for Robin to react, to say something, to do something, to tell her that he felt the same way too. As the silence continued she began to feel that she'd ruined everything, that her admission had led to a step that neither were ready to take. She nodded slowly, as though to tell Robin she knew that she'd made a mistake, but as she began to get to her feet Robin's hand reached out and grabbed her by the wrist.
"No," he whispered. As she turned to him there was a deep sense of desperation in his eyes. He stared at her, swallowed and took a deep breath. He only had the power to say one word before he had to turn speech into action instead so he knew he had to make it count. He chose the only one that came to mind and tripped from the end of his tongue with the intensity of fire.
"Stay."
Chapter Sixteen
As he pulled her back towards him Robin had never felt more terrified in his life. He tried to remember anything that had scared him this much, but he couldn't think of a thing. Even mentally comparing this to being on the barge with Keats chucking threats around, he still wasn't this scared. He knew he was shaking and hoped that Kim wouldn't notice, but he soon realised that she was shaking too.
As she sat back down beside him he reached towards her face. The backs of his fingers slowly brushed her cheek and his eyes moved around her features, trying to take in every single one. There was a sparkle in her eyes. He'd rarely seen anything like that before. He closed his eyes and moved his face towards her, finding her lips ready for another kiss but the more he tried to hold back and kiss her softly the harder she seemed to press her lips against his. He moved back a little and whispered,
"Kim, I'm trying to be gentle," so terrified of hurting her, but she held his face in her hands and shook her head.
"Don't be," she pleaded. She recalled the sore feeling she had around her lips after the last time, where his stubble had scratched her skin. At the time it had disturbed her, a strong reminder of how strange and different the situation was. But now she just wanted to feel it again, to know for certain that Robin was really kissing her again, that it wasn't all in her imagination.
Robin felt her pushing him backwards until he lay, horizontal, with his head resting against the arm of the couch. It was a strange and unfamiliar position to him. On the rare occasions that he and Simon had ever tried to fit on the couch for a cuddle together he had usually been the one laying across him, slightly smaller and lighter than his lanky partner. The feeling of Kim's body, her warmth and the pressure on top of him, was something that he wasn't used to and had never expected to feel so good.
He wondered fleetingly how much the champagne had to do with what was happening. He knew that they weren't doing it because they were drunk, even he with his years of alcohol avoidance had enough of his marbles there to know full well what he was doing, and they'd spent weeks being drawn together wither they'd had a drink or not. But he wondered if the alcohol played a part on helping them to stop fighting it. After all, that wasn't making either of them happy.
He found his hands against her, but he wasn't sure what to do. They rested against her bottom at first but he wasn't used to the shape or sensation of the female posterior so he moved them upwards. There they were, around her back. Backs seemed like a fairly safe option, he thought as his hands slipped beneath her top. Her skin was so soft, far softer than he'd thought it would be. But he was used to feeling male skin, nothing this smooth – and usually somewhat hairier too. He ran his fingertips across her back as their kiss continued, feeling the curve of her spine and the slight unevenness of her skin in the areas where she was most heavily tattooed. He could almost trace some of the contours of her designs with his fingers.
As his hands rose up further they met material. That as the moment he started to panic.
Oh fuck… it's a bra.
He didn't know what he was supposed to do with one of those. He'd most certainly never encountered one before, and he'd had no wish to.
That was the moment that the truth sank in – no matter how he tried to get around it in his head, Kim still was, and always would be, a woman. She still had the bits he didn't like and none of the parts that he did. And however much he was falling for what he found on the inside he still didn't know how to cope with the packaging it came in. he supposed the bra was his equivalent of Kim taking flight every time she encountered his trouser lump.
Which, he started to realise in horror, she wouldn't be having a problem with that night because the bra seemed to have dealt with that particular body part.
Going down…
He cursed himself. What the hell was wrong with him? She only had to look at him and he'd start standing to attention and yet there she was, right where he'd been dreaming about, her body pressed against him from head to toe and suddenly the flag went down? It was that bra – that fucking bra.
He couldn't carry on. He just couldn't. He felt mortified and scared. It was all too much. If he couldn't handle the bra then how was he going to cope with what was inside it?<
br />
"I can't," He breathed, "I can't do this, I'm sorry…"
He couldn't bring himself to look at Kim's face as he pushed her away and tried to pull himself upright. His skin was flushed with embarrassment and he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye.
"Fuck, Robin, what's the matter?" she breathed.
"I just can't do it," he whispered as he shook his head, "I… I don't know what to do."
"Neither do I!" Kim protested. She looked at him desperately. "What do you want? You want me to turn over so you can… go at it from a more familiar angle?"
Robin's eyes opened wide in horror.
"Kim, don't be crass!" he cried.
"I don't know what you want me to do!"
"I'm sorry," he shook his head, staring at the floor, "Kim, this is too much. It's too much and it's going too fast."
"You told me to stay," Kim cried, the feeling of rejection starting to gnaw at her heart.
"I know, I know," Robin cried, "I'm sorry… I want you to stay, I just…" he shook his head and found his eyes misty with tears, "Fuck, Kim, I'm bloody terrified."
Kim sat upright beside him. She didn't try to get him to meet her stare. He clearly wasn't ready for that, and after his rejection of her she wasn't sure that she wanted to look at him anyway.
"I don't know what you want me to do," she whispered.
"Neither do I," Robin spoke so quietly that he hardly made a sound. Now he'd blown it. He knew that. He felt sick and every bone in his body was trembling, "it's too much, Kim, it's…"he shook his head, "…and today… it's just not right, not today. This is supposed to be a day for remembering Simon, not…" he closed his eyes as his chest rose and fell quickly, holding back the tears that were trying to fall.
Kim started at him for a moment. There was something on his face. Like something he wasn't telling her.
"Robin," she began quietly, "exactly what… kind… of anniversary is this?" She bit her lip as she waited for a reply. "First date? Or…" she paused, "or something else?"
Robin closed his eyes.
"Both," he whispered.
