Deadly Choice

by Jack Parker

  That surprised Kim no end. Her mouth dropped open slightly as she cried,

  "You and Simon… on your first date, you…"

  "Yes," Robin hissed as though to silence her. Not like there was anyone around to hear…

  Kim gave a little laugh of surprise despite the situation.

  "I never thought… well, you know, the two of you…"

  "It wasn't like that, Kim, we'd known each other for three years before that," Robin told her a little crossly, "but back then… neither of us were in the right place for…" he shook his head, "what does it matter?"

  "It matters to me," Kim said quietly, "I didn't… I didn't mean anything bad, Robin, I just…" she gave a weak smile. "I remember teasing Simon sometimes about being uptight. I think I accused him of still being a virgin at one point."

  "Well believe me, he's not," Robin said a little coldly as he shook his head.

  Kim bit her lip as she looked at him. He didn't look up. He couldn't meet her gaze.

  "And, Simon…" she hesitated. She didn't want to make him feel any worse but she needed to know, "he was your first, wasn't he?" Robin didn't reply, but he didn't have to. The single tear that landed on his knee was the only answer he needed to give. She sighed so deeply. She felt as though she understood him a little better now. "So you and Simon…"

  Robin nodded slowly.

  "There's only ever been each other," he said quietly.

  "Shit," Kim breathed.

  Robin looked at her a little indignantly.

  "You make it sound like I'm a bloody virgin" he cried,

  "I didn't mean it like that!" Kim protested, "I just…" she trailed away. She couldn't ;t think of anything that wouldn't make Robin feel worse but she realised now that this was an even bigger deal to Robin than it was to her. Kim had never been one to shy away from sex or physical affection. She knew she'd had a fairly high number of partners, but that was from her younger days. She thought everyone experimented with sex when they were younger. Not everyone, apparently. She shook her head slowly. "Rob… We keep going around in circles and it doesn't matter what we do, we can't seem to find a way out. We're both scared of doing anything… but we can't stop thinking about it. And we keep ending up…" she threw her hands in the air, "all over each other, and then running away." She glanced at him. "I don't want to do anything that's going to hurt you."

  Robin closed his eyes.

  "I don't want to hurt you either."

  "We don't have to do anything, Rob. Nothing has to change. We can just," her voice tripped a little, "be friends. We can leave it at that"

  Robin seemed to hesitate. Then he picked up his almost-full champagne glass and drained the lot in one go. He gasped slightly but at least he didn't sneeze this time. He took a few deep breaths to build himself up before he turned and stared at her.

  "No we can't," he whispered, "You know we can't. We tried that and look how we ended up." He became aware that he was fixed in her gaze again. That was a hard thing to resist. "Kim, I don't know what the hell to do because we're never going to find out what we… what we really want if you keep running away every time you feel… something… down there, and if I freak out every time I get near your…" he coughed, "top underwear."

  It took a few moments for Kim to realise what he was talking about. She looked at him.

  "Is that what that was about?" she whispered. She saw Robin's cheeks glowing. "It's just a bra, Rob."

  "Yes, I know that," Robin said through gritted teeth, "I just didn't know what to do when I got there."

  "It doesn't have a padlock with a combination you know," Kim told him.

  "This isn't making me feel any better," Robin hissed.

  Kim looked down.

  "Maybe you're right," she whispered, "this is too hard. We're just going to keep going round in circles. I don't want that. "

  "Neither do I," whispered Robin.

  She turned his face to make him look at her.

  "So what are we going to do?" she whispered.

  The feeling of her hand against his face was starting to sway the decision for him. He swallowed.

  "I don't know, Kim," he whispered, "my brain is telling me one thing. My heart is saying something else."

  Kim stared at him. Her eyes locked onto his. She did that deliberately. She knew that it was unfair but she knew need to know how he really felt and she had to see what would happen. She moved a little closer, laid her hand against his cheek and whispered,

  "What's your body saying?"

  Robin swallowed and his eyes closed for just a moment. He suspected she already knew the answer to that. The answer was blindingly obvious and staring her in the face. His eyes opened again and he found her staring at it. Was this where she made her exit again? He couldn't face the thought of that. As her eye line rose back to catch his gaze she didn't seem to be going anywhere.

  "If you're not about to kiss me," his whispered, "then this is a really, really cruel moment."

  Her heart gave a hard thump as she listened to his words and they brought her eyelids to a close. She leant forward again, put her hands around the back of his head and pulled his face towards her. She felt almost breathless as their lips touched and soon they found themselves laying back against the couch again. It felt a bit like a game of Buckaroo, she thought fleetingly, either one of them could freak out at any moment and the whole thing would be over. But as with every single time before she just couldn't seem to stop herself. Neither, she was glad to see, could he.

  He held her close, pulled her against him. He wanted that feeling of her body's pressure against his again. With his kisses he silently begged her to take away his fears, to stop him from being so scared. He couldn't work out what it was but there was something there, something they just couldn't get away from. Something that was constantly bringing them to the edge of this moment but never quite letting them go through with it.

  Robin's eyes opened nervously as he felt her break the kiss. His first thought was that she would leave again but instead she leaned over him for a moment before moving down his body. Now he really felt scared. He couldn't begin to guess where things were going now. He didn't even feel as though he could move, he just laid there, desperately trying to get his breath back and praying that Kim wasn't going to go running scared.

  Her eyes filled with fear as she sat astride his knees and reached for his belt. She was more surprised by her own actions than he was, she knew that for certain. She looked at his expression to see if this was Ok – to see if he was OK. There was a look of nervous anticipation on his face. He didn't know what was going to happen next, and if Kim was honest neither did she.

  Her hands shook as she began to unfasten his belt. She felt a tingle like she had never felt before. It started right between her legs and travelled through her stomach setting off all the butterflies that had settled there. She finally finished with the belt and slowly unbuttoned the top of his fly. Her breathing increased; her palms were moist from perspiration. There were nerves raging through her veins. Could she go through with this? She didn't even think she could get this far. As she pulled down the zip her eyes returned to his. His face was shocked and the anticipation was growing. She swallowed as she tried to build up her nerve. This was something she had never done in her life, something she had never thought about doing. Her heart lurched in her chest with fear as she began to slip her hand inside his trousers. She closed her eyes and swallowed. Could he ever understand what a big deal this was for her? How petrified she was at the thought of touching him there? She felt his hardness through his boxers. Her fingers just skimmed it at first. She felt terrified; scared of doing it wrong, scared of hurting him, scared of touching him at all. A gasp rose from Robin which gave her the strength to try again. This time she brought her and over it, squeezed it gently. She flinched. This wasn't what she wanted… she wanted Robin, god, she wanted Robin, but she didn't… couldn't bring herself to…

  Robin's eyes opened as her touch faded away. H
e stared at her stricken face and he knew that she'd started another lap of the circle. Round and round again. He stared at her as she couldn't meet his gaze. She seemed frozen, as though she didn't know what to say or do. She wanted to carry on, she really did, but it was just killing her inside, fighting her natural drives.

  "It's alright Kim," his voice was low, sad and fraught. She glanced at him nervously. "I understand," he whispered.

  Slowly he pulled his legs from underneath her and slipped them to the ground. Kim sat with her head in her hands, trembling from head to toe.

  "I'm sorry," she whispered, over and over, "I'm sorry, Robin. I'm so sorry."

  Robin got to his feet and refastened his trousers slowly. He took a deep breath and swallowed. That was the last lap of the circle that he was prepared to do.

  "It's alright," he said quietly. He looked at her but his eyes were downcast. "I need a wee," he lied, "champagne's gone right through me."

  Kim stared after him as he retreated to the bathroom where he closed the door, leaned back against it and swore profusely, cursing himself for the situation they were in yet again. He had no idea how to get out of this; it was like Groundhog Day, except that Bill Murray wasn't interrupting them every few minutes. Eventually he'd calmed down enough to genuinely be able to take a piss. Anything to stall for time. He even considered flossing his teeth and exfoliating while he was there.

  * * *

  Kim stared at the floor. She'd messed up yet again. How could she keep doing this to him? How could they keep doing this to each other? They were tearing each other apart and because of what? Being too damn scared to override their natural compulsions and to give in to one that was so much stronger.

  She trembled as she stared at her glass on the table. She reached out, grabbed it, necked the champagne and got to her feet. It was time to make a move. The circle had to be broken.

  * * *

  Robin couldn't hide in the bathroom for much longer. He knew that. He eventually ventured out, feeling mixed up and unsure what the hell he was going to say to Kim, but as he arrived in the lounge he realised it was all academic because there was no sign of her. His heart sank by several feet. In fact, it sank right into his socks. He took a deep breath and tried to fight back the emotions that were struggling to burst forth.

  "I guess she's made her decision." He said quietly. He glanced at the table. The book still sat there. He bit his lip as he thought about Simon. Perhaps it was for the best, he told himself. The night should have been about him and Simon, not him and Kim.

  "Besides," he whispered, "God knows how I would have felt in the morning if we'd…" he trailed off and shook his head. He needed to block all of that out. He couldn't bear to think about Kim any longer. Not unless he wanted his heart to break in two.

  He picked up the book, then walked to the kitchen and picked up the bottle of brandy she bought him. He'd spend the night with Simon one way or another, he told himself. With a sigh of catastrophic proportions he walked through the corridor and arrived at the bedroom.

  Funny," he muttered, "I thought I left the door open."

  As he slowly stepped inside and turned on the light he found the last thing he'd been expecting. The bed was already occupied.

  A mop of bleached hair and a very anxious face stared out from beneath the duvet. Robin's shock was so great that he damn well almost dropped the brandy bottle on his foot. He stared ahead, scarcely believing what he was seeing.

  "Hi," Kim whispered.

  Robin looked around as though expecting someone to tell him it was a joke. He felt lost for words.

  "I… I thought you'd gone," he whispered eventually.

  Kim gave him a nervous smile.

  "I took my bra off," she said.

  It wasn't really the sentence Robin had been expecting. He bit his lip and nodded nervously but he appreciated the gesture.

  "Oh," he said quietly, hoping he wasn't about to stumble upon it somewhere

  Kim pulled the duvet back. Despite the lack of bra she seemed to still be fully clothed in other respects. Robin wondered fleetingly if she had some kind of special magic trick to aid in the bra removal but he had more important things to worry about.

  "I don't understand," he whispered.

  Kim's smile was anxious and wobbled slightly as she pulled her courage together.

  "Maybe we don't need all that other stuff right now," she whispered, "just because it's what other people expect. I mean, hell, Rob, we're not exactly doing what's expected of us right now, are we?"

  Robin bit his lip. There was a hint of a smile lurking there but it was struggling to break through his nerves.

  "That's true," he whispered.

  "We're not… like other people," she whispered, "we're in unchartered territory here, Rob. I don't think there's a rule book for this."

  Robin nodded.

  "Also true," he whispered.

  Kim swallowed. Her nerves were threatening to take away her ability to speak.

  "So," she whispered, "what I really want… right now… is to be with you," her eyes were full of tears as she admitted the truth that her heart had been trying to lock away, "for one night. Just hold me." She took a deep breath, "and if anything happens…" she stared into his eyes, "then it will be because we want it to. Because we're ready. And not because that's the way it's 'supposed' to be."

  Robin stared back. There were those eyes again. There was that gaze. It stole his breath right from his body. Like a magnet he found himself drawn towards her as his body slipped between the sheets and he immediately felt that same warmth that he'd loved before from Kim's body pressed against his.

  He didn't know what was going to happen next. Neither of them knew how far they could handle. But as their lips were brought irresistibly together again he had a very strong feeling that his anniversary was going to be holding a double meaning in future years.

  Chapter Seventeen

  He could just lay there forever. He really could. In the warm bed, surrounded by soft sheets, Kim's body in his arms and her head tucked under his chin. He felt as though this was the antidote to all of the worrying, the stress, the confusion. It was the antidote to all the panicking, the fear, the parts they couldn't handle. It was teaching him something very important. Being able to strip away all the things that he was having trouble dealing with let him face the most important issue which was how he felt about Kim – Kim, not her squashy bits or the bits down below that he was terrified of venturing near – just Kim.

  He shocked himself by how warm and at home he felt holding her close. In some ways that scared him too, but it was a different type of fear. It wasn't the paralysing fear of doing something that went against your natural drives, it was the fear of experiencing emotions that he didn't think he would ever feel again after losing Simon. He knew that in time he would have to confront that, too. He would need to face up to what this meant for him. One day he would be back in that other world – how would he ever explain this to Simon? Where did this leave them? They were questions he wasn't ready to answer yet.

  His hands rubbed gently up and down her back. He loved the feeling of her soft skin. It had taken a little getting used to at first bit now the sensation was pleasant and intimate. He could feel the shape of her back, the contours of her body as she lay against him. He wondered how she was feeling, a little too afraid to ask. He knew that he'd been rock hard from the minute he climbed into bed beside her and he was pretty sure she had felt him too but she hadn't said anything, nor freaked out, nor run away. He took that as a good sign.

  He leaned forward and kissed her hair. He loved the blonde look. Even though he hadn't known her with that hairstyle in the nineties it seemed to suit her much more than the long, dark hair. He could understand why he'd spent so many hears running away from her old identity and trying to make her appearance as different as possible but it was like she was embracing her happiness again as she adopted that familiar style.

  He took one hand away from h
er back to sweep through her hair, leaving her forehead exposed. He felt the softness of her locks with his fingers. It made her look upwards and catch his eye. She saw him smiling.

  "What?" she asked.

  Robin brushed back her hair again.

  "Just thinking how much I love this hair," he said quietly.

  Kim's expression seemed to fall a little.

  "You'd better make the most of it," she said quietly, "Linda wants me to grow it again. And dye it dark."

  Robin felt his anger rising. Every time Kim said something about Linda it seemed to be a way in which she'd put her down.

  "I meant what I said", he whispered, "don't change who you are, Kim. This is you. This," he pulled back a little so that he could look at her properly, "is you."

  She stared at him and saw the honesty in his eyes. Why couldn't Linda just accept Kim for the person she was? If Robin could then why couldn't her own wife? Or was it because she'd been reining the real her in for so many years?

  As they stared the magnetic attraction pulled them together again. Why were they so powerless to fight it? It was just impossible to do. She couldn't be around him without wanting to feel his lips pressed against hers. Every time she caught his eye they were drawn together. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arm around his shoulder, holding him closer, not letting him go for a second. His other arm moved to her back again.

  She found herself sliding her tongue past his lips where it met his own and suddenly it seemed as though something had just exploded within them. It seemed like they just could kiss hard enough or deep enough or with enough passion. Robin reached up, sliding his fingers through her hair, holding her head as though to make sure she wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't remember ever sharing a kiss so wild and free, so desperate and full of need. He tried to remember when it had been like this with Simon. Had it ever? That was no reflection on the way he felt about him, or the way they were together, just that they were freer, they could express their desire in every way. While Robin and Kim were struggling to cope with much of the physical side that came with their strange attraction their explosive kisses were only the way they were able to express their wanton need.