Deadly Choice

by Jack Parker

  Robin wasn't sure. He really wasn't. He looked at her with scared eyes.

  "It's Simon," he whispered.

  Kim nodded slowly.

  "I know," she whispered.

  "He'd only been gone for seven months… a little more…" he shook his head, "I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not about someone else."

  Kim felt her heart racing. Something about Robin's words told her more than he'd meant them to. The way he felt about her? So this was more than some crazy physical act or temporary emotional mess. She felt too scared to ask him about it. She was worried that she could be wrong. She changed the subject a little.

  "Simon did want you to be happy," she said quietly, "he wanted you to meet someone else."

  "I still feel like I've cheated on him," Robin said quietly, "I feel like I've betrayed him."

  Kim closed her eyes. She gave a deep sigh.

  "Yeah," she said quietly, "so do I."

  Robin looked at her and nodded. He knew how close her friendship with Simon had been. She probably felt almost as guilty as he did.

  "I want to be with him again," he whispered, "I want to make it back over there and get to be with him again… but," he flinched as he spoke, "now I feel torn." He looked at Kim. "If I fell down a well tomorrow and woke up in that other world what the hell would I say to Simon? 'Thanks for telling me you wanted me to meet someone else… I did, and it's your best friend'?"

  Kim sighed and looked down.

  "He once told me not to settle for second best," she whispered, "he told me to meet someone who made me as happy as Shaz. I didn't listen to him. I didn't think I would ever feel that way again so I did exactly what he told me not to and I 'settled'."

  Robin bit his lip as he stared at her.

  "You didn't think you'd feel that way again?" he asked quietly. He saw a moment of panic in her eyes. "Do you… now?"

  Kim looked away. She couldn't bear to meet his gaze. She felt her heart racing from an admission she hadn't intended to make. She took a deep breath and looked at the clock.

  "Oh shit," she whispered, "I've got to get home."

  "Kim?" Robin looked at her in alarm as she scrambled out of bed, "Kim, I'm sorry, what did I say?"

  "Rob, it's nothing to do with you," Kim started to pull her underwear on, suddenly all too conscious of being naked from the waist down, "I told Linda that I was working late. She doesn't know I'm here. I thought I'd be home by midnight."

  Robin looked at her in confusion.

  "I thought you cleared it with her" he said.

  Kim grabbed her trousers and pulled them up.

  "I lied, OK?" she said quietly.

  "Why?"

  Kim looked at him with a pained expression.

  "Because I knew I'd only get shit from her for it," she said. She looked down. "And because I had a guilty conscience."

  "But we hadn't done anything yet," Robin frowned.

  Kim bit her lip.

  "Yet," she repeated. Her intentions had always been there. She knew where she hoped the evening would lead but didn't dare dream that her wish would come true. She fastened her trousers and turned to Robin, lying shocked in the bed, his face full of hurt and confusion. Her heart sank as she stared at him. The last thing she wanted was to walk out on him but she had to get home. She was digging herself ever deeper into a hole from which she didn't think she could escape. She felt an aching in her chest as she looked at his expression. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

  Robin bit his lip to stop himself from becoming tearful. He didn't dare let her see that.

  "So am I," he whispered.

  Kim stared at him. She didn't know how to end this. She wanted to kiss him but somehow it didn't seem appropriate. She yearned to stay, she wished the situation was easier but she couldn't think of anyway that it could be more complex. Her heart almost broke as she gave him a gentle wave and whispered,

  "I'll see myself out. Goodnight, Robin."

  Robin swallowed and held back tears.

  "Bye, Kim," he whispered.

  She hesitated by the doorway.

  "Can…. Can we meet tomorrow?" she asked nervously.

  Robin blinked.

  "I don't know," he whispered, "can we?"

  "I think we should," Kim said awkwardly, "I think we've got plenty to talk about."

  Robin nodded slowly.

  "Alright," he said, "meet me in the café, after work. "

  Kim nodded

  "I'll see you then," she whispered. She gave him a tiny smile, layered with guilt before making her way out of the door.

  Robin sat still, in stony silence. He waited for the sound of the front door opening and closing before he let the tears start to fill his eyes. He couldn't believe what they'd done, couldn't believe any part of it. There was a part of him that thought maybe if they got it out of their systems then whatever strange feelings had been brewing between them would go away. Instead, the opposite seemed to have occurred.

  As he closed his eyes all he could see was her face. That was all he ever saw as he closed his eyes these days. He didn't know how they were ever going to deal with this. It was the night that should never have happened – but it had. Now they had to try to deal with the consequences – consequences that reached far beyond the corner of the street and wrapped themselves around the town several times over

  Chapter Nineteen

  Robin wasn't sure how he even survived to the end of the day. It had been the slowest in history.

  After Kim's departure he'd lain awake staring at the walls for hours, tormented by shock, guilt and confusion. It was past 4 when he finally fell asleep, only to wake up 3 hours later with a headache from the champagne and a most terrifying feeling of, Oh my god, what have I done?

  There were so many layers to that. Feeling like he'd betrayed Simon, having sex with a woman, having sex at all for the first time since Simon had died, the fact they hadn't used protection, the fact that it had happened on what was supposed to be his anniversary – but worst of all the fact that he was terrified that he was going to lose his friendship with Kim. If he lost her he didn't think he could cope.

  He'd spent his day at work in a daze. After being asked 18 times how his ankle was and putting up with myriad impressions of him almost falling down a slope he had finally seen the clock tick round to the end of the day. It felt as though he'd been at work for a year. He was sure someone had slowed down the clocks on purpose.

  He made his way to the café and bought two coffees, then took a seat at the table he and Kim had sat at the last time they went for a drink. He waited nervously as the minutes ticked by. Where was Kim? She'd stood him up, hadn't she? She wasn't going to come after all. He started to feel stupid, that the whole night had been a huge mistake and now she was never going to speak to him again. After fifteen minutes he finally thought about checking his phone and had a message from Kim.

  'Will be there, hang on. K x'

  He couldn't help it – his heart jumped as he saw her name. He tried hard to fight it but there was no stopping the way his body responded to her name. He felt butterflies inside of him again. The bloody things wouldn't go away.

  Twenty five minutes late, Kim finally arrived. She looked haunted, awkward and slightly green. He gave her a nervous smile and a wave as she joined him at the table.

  "I got you a coffee," he said quietly, "but I think it might be cold by now."

  Kim flinched and pushed it away.

  "That's OK," she whispered "don't think I could drink it anyway."

  Robin's nerves began to grow.

  "Why? What's the matter?" he asked

  "Nothing," Kim said quietly. She looked down and took a deep breath. "So how have you been?"

  Robin chewed on his lip. He sighed.

  "I've been in a mess," he said quietly, "I've spent the day wondering if you're going to hate me."

  "Not going to hate you, Rob," Kim shook her head.

  "What about you?" Robin asked a little awkwardly, "how hav
e you been doing?"

  Kim sighed and looked down. She didn't think Robin would really want to know the truth about how she'd been doing. She'd arrived home to find Linda asleep and been too afraid to get in bed in case she smelt Robin on her. Not wanting to wake up her family by running a shower or a bath she'd washed herself quickly but still felt sure that she smelt of him all over. She eventually laid on the couch, desperately trying to resolve the clash of emotions inside of her, going around in circles until she almost drove herself crazy.

  "Fine," she lied, "I've been fine."

  "I've been thinking about you all day," Robin said quietly.

  Kim didn't reply. She couldn't. She put her hand to her lips and breathed in deeply, closing her eyes for a moment, strong nausea welling up inside her. When she had managed to fight it back she opened her eyes and saw Robin looking at her in concern. She sighed and dropped her eye level as she said quietly,

  "I had to go and take the morning after pill and it's made me sick."

  Robin began to feel guilty all over again.

  "Shit," he whispered, "Sorry." He bit his lip again. "I'm really sorry. If I ever thought that was going to happen, I'd have…" he trailed off.

  Kim nodded slowly.

  "Me too," she said.

  Robin sighed and drank the last bit of his coffee.

  "Are you OK though?" he asked quietly.

  Kin wasn't really sure.

  "Sort of," she said quietly.

  Robin looked at her seriously.,

  "How's Linda?" he asked.

  Kim's heart sank at the question.

  "I couldn't look her in the eye," she whispered, "I don't know what the hell to say to her."

  "I'm sorry," he apologised again.

  Kim looked a little awkward.

  "I know you're going to hate me for this," she said, "but I need to get home. I thought we'd have more time but then this stupid pill…" she trailed off.

  "But," Robin started to panic a little, "I thought we were supposed to be talking about us," he paused as he began to feel nauseous himself, "that is… is there an 'us'?"

  Kim stared at him and bit her lip, cursing herself for picking up his habits. She took a deep breath and leaned forward.

  "Robin," she began quietly, "I've been thinking about that question all day and the answer is, I don't know. It's so complicated. Last night…" he noticed a change to her face, a glimmer of a smile, "last night was wonderful." Her eyes sparkled, "it was the first time I've felt alive in years." Her eyes cast downwards, "the first time since…" She didn't finish her sentence but she didn't need to.

  "Since you were… there," Robin said quietly.

  Kim nodded.

  "And every time I'm with you, that's how I feel," she whispered, "but there's so much at stake. It's not like we're two single people… even without the complication of sexuality and all that stuff, I'm married and I've got kids. And we have no idea how long it will be before you're back with Simon, but I know you'll always feel like you're cheating on him, "she saw him look away, nodding sadly. "If there's going to be an us…" she noticed him look back at her quickly, "if… then we have to be sure that this is real and not just something we're feeling because of everything we've been through. The other world, the connection with Simon, everything we did to help Alex, surviving Keats… that stuff was all… crazy-dazy."

  "What are you saying?" Robin asked anxiously.

  Kim stared into his eyes.

  "Rob," she said quietly, "ever since Keats took us we've been spending as much time together as we could. We've been living in each other's pockets and maybe we're mistaking that for something deeper." She took a deep breath. "I'm scared you're going to take what I'm saying the wrong way. Please try not to do that because I don't want to lose you, but I want us to both be sure of this." She paused. "I think we need to spend some time apart," her voice broke as she told him, "not because I don't want to see you," she added quickly, "but because I think we both need a bit of space to get our feelings straight. If after that we feel the same… or stronger… then we'll know. "

  "Know what exactly?"

  "that we have a future together," Kim whispered, "no matter how hard it is to deal with. But if, with some time, we realise this was all in our heads… all from the pressures we've been through then at least we will learn without making a huge mistake."

  Robin swallowed as he tried to process her words.

  "Wanting to be with you would never be a mistake," he whispered, surprised how easily those words escaped. He saw tears in her eyes as she tried not to tell him she felt the same thing.

  "Let's hope that's how we both feel in a few weeks' time,"

  Robin's heart broke a little more.

  "How many weeks?"

  "Maybe three… or four?" Kim whispered. She hesitated, watching the devastation on his face. "Rob, I don't want to be away from you, not in the slightest. But this has all come so much from the blue that we need time to really understand what's happening to us. I'm scared of throwing away six years of marriage and losing my boys, Rob. You don't have children; you can't understand were I'm coming from with this. But to lose them would break my heart."

  Robin looked down. She was right, he couldn't understand that part. He didn't have children and knew that this was harder for Kim than it was for him. But the thought of not seeing her... not speaking to her… not being close to her broke his heart.

  "What about work?" he whispered.

  Kim bit her lip.

  "If we're told to work together then we can't avoid it," she said quietly, "but we should stick to the job at hand and make sure we are never alone together. She looked down. "You know what happens when we're in that situation."

  Robin nodded slowly. He took a deep breath. He felt so churned up inside, her words would play through his mind constantly from that moment on. Finally he looked her in the eye.

  "Kim," he whispered, "the thought of not even being able to see you hurts so much. But I'll do anything for you, and you know that." He swallowed. "If that's what it takes… if that's what you need to do to prove that we…" he trailed off as he closed his eyes. "OK. We'll do it if that's what you really need to do." He choked a little. "but I'm going to be thinking about you all of the time. Every last second."

  Kim nodded slowly. She had a feeling she would be thinking of him too. But she had to do this, to be sure. Leaving Linda would be an enormous step, one which scared her beyond belief. She wanted to say something, to whisper to him how much she was going to miss him, and how she wished there was another way but a strong wave of nausea overcame her and she had to bolt to the bathroom, her hand over her mouth and her feet almost tangling with each other in their haste to arrive in time.

  Robin's stomach felt unsettled as he watched her run. He might as well have taken the bloody thing himself for the way he felt. He really did see what she was saying and he knew that everything she said was true – there was always the possibility that it had been the intense situations they'd survived that they were mistaking for something else – but he couldn't stop himself from feeling that it went way beyond that.

  He closed his eyes for a few seconds. He didn't think he could cope with Kim giving a reprise of the situation upon her return. He didn't want to walk out on her but he didn't think he could hold it together any longer so, leaving a small token for her to find, he got to his feet and began a very slow walk out of the café, leaving his hopes and his dreams behind.

  * * *

  Kim walked slowly back to the table, her guts still turning over. The empty space where Robin had been sitting just moments before hadn't been totally unexpected but was still painful to see. Her heart sank and her eyes became misty. There on the table was a red spotty napkin, crudely folded into the shape of a heart. She glanced all around but knew that there was only one person who could have left it. She bit her lip as she stared at it. It was corny but just said everything better than she had after spewing a thousand words to him. She felt her li
p tremble a little and immediately started to regret her plan, but knew that she had to be 100% certain before she made a life-changing decision. She didn't have a decent pocket for the heart – where was her bag? She spotted it under the table.

  "Oh, thanks for guarding that safely for me, Robin," she muttered as she bent down to pick it up.

  Underneath the table, her eyes flickered upwards briefly. She didn't know why she even did it but she looked up. There, beneath the table, scratched into the underside of the wood was the line; 'S4K FOREVER'.

  A chill ran down her spine. She shook a little as she tried to take that in. S4K…Shaz 4 Kim? This was their table… it was their table… She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying not to think about that.

  Trying to deal with falling for Robin was enough for now.

  Shit.

  Falling for him.

  She had. She'd fallen in love.

  That thought churned her up inside more than a thousand pills.

  Chapter Twenty

  "Like I need to feel any guiltier than I already do," Kim thought to herself as Linda tucked her up on the couch and brought her a glass of water.

  Arriving home and throwing up in the doorway, her excuse that she had a sickness bug had been Linda's cue to decide for once in her life to look after her. The one time Kim didn't want that. She cursed herself over and over for the situation she'd found herself in. It was typical that she was one of the unlucky ones when it came to side effects from the morning after pill. It clearly didn't agree with her. Neither did all the secrecy. She felt absolutely wretched as Linda fussed around her.

  But she felt just as much guilt towards Robin. She knew that she needed the time apart to be sure of her feelings, but the look on his face as she'd told him broke her heart. The thought of not seeing him for weeks was already killing her and she'd checked her phone five times since she arrived home, hoping for a message even though she knew there wouldn't be one.

  She wished that she could find the courage to overcome her fears about following her heart but she had so much to lose. Even though she knew that she didn't feel enough for Linda she couldn't lose her boys, she just couldn't. The whole situation was killing her inside.