by Jack Parker
"Call an ambulance!" he screamed at no one and everyone, "call a fucking ambulance now!"
His eyes were already full of tears as he held her hand and bent over her, crying out her name. He could barely see, he could hardly function. All that he knew was that Kim was lying stony still on the ground and suddenly his own life was losing all its meaning.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Robin couldn't hear any of the voices around him .He couldn't see any of the panicked faces, any of the frantic scrambling around, any of the urgent calls to the station or the chase that was starting after Billy Hocker.
All he could see was Kim, her pale face lying before him. He found himself shaking as he stared. Just a few hours ago life had been so very different and then everything had gone into a tailspin. Now her life was ebbing away and he didn't think he could cope with losing her too.
There were sirens, blue flashing lights and a sudden kerfuffle of voices as he finally looked around to see paramedics coming their way.
"Excuse me sir, can you step back please?" one of them began, "we need to get to the patient."
Shaking like a leaf, Robin got to his feet and stumbled backwards as the medical team ran to Kim's side.
"What's her name?" one of them asked him.
"Kim," he whispered.
"OK, Kim? Can you hear me?" the paramedic began but Robin knew she couldn't hear her. She was out cold and far away. He couldn't cope with that moment of terrifying panic, worrying, wondering if there was any way she could survive this.
He watched in shock as they tended to her, loaded her up onto a stretcher and began to move her to the ambulance.
"Can I go with her?" he asked urgently.
"Really we should only let family or next of kin…" the paramedic began but March interrupted.
"Oh, let him go, they're practically joined at the hip."
The paramedic hesitated then nodded.
"Alright," she said, "get in."
Robin took a deep breath and followed Kim into the back of the ambulance. He felt numb as he watched the paramedics attending to her. He would have done anything to swap places with her and to make her better.
"Does she have any medical history we need to know?" one of the paramedics asked him.
Robin swallowed. He felt a lump appear in his throat.
"Y-yes," he whispered, "she… we think she might be… pregnant."
"Alright," One of them nodded, "let's get some bloods and we'll get them tested ASAP. Anything else?"
"She had a heart attack a couple of months ago," Robin whispered, "but no cause was ever found."
"OK, if you could just sit down here," the paramedic guided him to a chair, "we'll do everything we can to help her."
Robin barely felt the hands upon his arm pushing him into the seat. He felt numb all over. He stared at Kim as the words of the paramedics began to float around him.
"Sats are dropping…"
"Don't like the look of this…"
"Can we get a line in please?"
"We've got a uterine bleed."
"Let's get some fluid into her."
Robin's eyes closed as he rocked back and forth in the chair. There was nothing that he could do. He was helpless, completely helpless. He begged silent for a miracle. That was the only thing he had left to try.
* * *
The machines bleeped slowly and steadily beside her bed as Robin sat in the hospital room. He stared at her face, her bruised and battered body. He knew there had been a lot of x-rays and the fact that nothing was seriously broken was an absolute miracle. The worry was more about internal bleeding. He wasn't sure how many more tests she was going to have to go through but all he wanted was to see her eyes open.
"Mister Thomas?"
The voice of the doctor made him jump. He got to his feet and turned around.
"Yes?" he whispered.
The doctor looked grim.
"From what we can tell she's fractured two ribs but thankfully that's all. Had the car been going any faster the damage would have been much more severe."
"So…so that's good, right?" Robin asked, "she's going to wake up and she's going to be OK?"
"She'd under heavy sedation," the doctor told him, "we had to make sure that she was immobile while we checked her internal organs for damage. If she had any severe internal injuries then movement could have made things much worse."
"When will the medication wear off?" he asked.
"It depends on her metabolism," said the doctor, "could be a couple of hours." He looked at Robin seriously. "You told the paramedics that there was a possibility of pregnancy?" Robin nodded silently. The doctor removed his glasses and looked at Robin. "The blood tests confirm that she was in early pregnancy."
One of those words hit Robin like a ten ton weight.
"Was," he repeated in a whisper.
The doctor looked downcast.
"I'm very sorry," he said quietly, "she began to bleed during the journey and she seems to have suffered a miscarriage."
The words held a pain so great that Robin didn't know how to cope with therm. They grabbed him by the heart, choked him, tore him into two. Just that morning, none of this had existed. Now he'd had it handed to him and taken away in the same breath. While he couldn't have even started to explain how complicated, dangerous and difficult the situation would have been, he knew right there and then that if he'd taken the test back safely to Kim and they'd received that result then he would have been right there by her side, and no matter how strange and complicated the situation he would have been a good father.
And, fuck, he wanted that baby. Their baby.
The doctor looked at him in concern as his legs went from under him and he collapsed into his chair, barely able to breathe.
"You were the father?" he asked.
Those words hit Robin even harder. He was the father. He was a father. For just a few moments, he was a father. He could barely choke out a word.
"Yes," he whispered.
"I'm sorry," the doctor said quietly, "if it's any consolation it's impossible to say whether the car caused her to miscarry. It may have been coincidental, but there is no way of knowing."
"That is no consolation in the slightest," Robin whispered, shaking his head from side to side, "How could… how could that ever be a consolation in the slightest?"
The doctor wasn't sure what else he could say.
"There is counselling available," he began but Robin cut him off.
"Not necessary, thank you," he hissed. He paused and swallowed. "Uh… this is awkward," he closed his eyes as he realised what he was about to say, "Kim's wife … patient confidentiality means she doesn't have to know. About the miscarriage or the pregnancy. Right?"
The doctor stared at Robin. He knew what he was trying not to say.
"We will keep it confidential," he said.
Robin bit his lip.
"And Kim," he whispered, "when she wakes up…" he took a deep breath. "Please, let me tell her?" his face started to crumple, "this is going to be hard enough for her…"
The doctor nodded slowly.
"Very well," he said quietly.
"Thank you," Robin whispered.
He watched as the doctor left the room and then turned back to Kim as she lay there, still, silent. Her heart was going to break. He didn't know how she was going to cope with this. More than that, he didn't know how he was going to cope either.
He felt the tears rolling down his cheeks as he cried in silence. He thought he'd felt the very pinnacle of pain when he lost Simon. He had no idea that losing his own flesh and blood could ever hurt so badly. Now all he could do was to keep hoping and praying that Kim would make it because he sure as hell wasn't going to lose her too.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
When Kim awoke the pain was horrendous and she didn't know how to cope with it. She pulled her knees upwards a little but her legs hurt too much so she had to put them back down again. Her movement and the whimper
she gave awoke Robin from a nightmare-filled sleep across the edge of her bed. His head rose with a start, torn between focusing on the distressing images that had filled his dreams and turning to Kim, desperate to know if she was alright.
"Kim," he whispered, taking her hand gently. She whimpered again, her whole body bruised and battered. Very slowly she turned her face towards him and licked her dry lips.
"Rob?" she whispered.
Robin didn't know whether to smile with relief at seeing her eyes opening or to dry with the intense and terrible sadness that was consuming him.
"Kim, oh thank God," he whispered, he squeezed her hand as tightly as he dared and looked at her with concern. "How are you feeling?"
Kim swallowed and blinked a few times, finding it hard to keep her eyes open.
"Everything hurts so much," she whispered. Telling the truth about feeling that way wasn't natural to Kim. She'd usually cover up with a lie but she felt too weak to do so.
"Maybe they can give yiu something stronger for the pain?" Robin suggested, "I'll call a doctor or…"
"No, wait," Kim gripped his hand to stop him from moving, "please don't go?"
Robin knew he was starting to lose tears from his eyes as he nodded.
"I won't go anywhere," he whispered.
Kim closed her eyes for a moment. So many emotions were overwhelming her.
"Someone was holding my hand," she whispered.
"I was, earlier," Robin told her.
"Not here," whispered Kim. She swallowed and licked her lips, "there."
Robin froze. He stared at her as she lay there, so pale and still.
"What do you mean?" he whispered.
"I was almost there," Kim whispered, "I could feel it. Someone took my hand."
A shiver travelled down Robin's spine. He stared at her and felt churned up inside. Kim almost crossed to the other world? That thought terrified him. What if he'd lost her? Then that thought started to tear him up. He was terrified of how important to him Kim was becoming.
"Who?" he whispered.
Kim shook her head so slightly.
"I don't know," she whispered, "I couldn't tell."
Robin closed his eyes. He remembered the same thing happening to him not that long ago. But again, here he was, back in the real world. Was something tying them there? Was something tying them to each other? He wasn't sure he was ready to think about that.
"Kim," he said quietly, "I need to tell you something." He swallowed hard as his eyes threatened to spill right over and he felt choked up in his chest. He almost couldn't breathe. He saw her expression begin to get worried.
"Rob. What is it?" she whispered.
Robin took a deep breath but it was staggered and awkward.
"They ran some tests," he whispered, "on you. Blood tests." He didn't know how the hell he was supposed to tell her this. What could he even say when his heart was breaking too hard to speak? He tried to calm himself down and took a deep breath again. "And there was bleeding, Kim… you started to bleed and…" He couldn't force the words out. He didn't know what to say or how to say it. A loud, choking sob came from deep within him. It was a sound he didn't even know he was capable of. He felt himself falling forward against the bed and he cried out in anguish, "I'm sorry, Kim, I'm so sorry."
He didn't even need to say the words. There was no need to spell it out. From his reaction she already knew. It took a few moments for the truth to sink in. When it started, she felt a deep pain in her chest, crushing her as her heart began to break.
"No," she whispered, her voice high and fraught, "no, please, not again…. Please, Rob, I wasn't… tell me I wasn't…"
Robin raised his head and looked at her through his tears.
"I'm so, so sorry, Kim," he whispered, "you lost the baby."
"No," Kim's cries became more distressed, "no, not again… Not again…"
"I'm sorry," Robin didn't know what else to say. He leaned forward, wrapped his arms around her neck and held her face against his as she started to sob and cry. "They don't know if it was the car," he whispered, "they said it could have been coincidence."
"My baby," Kim whispered, "I've lost my baby. I never even knew for certain until it was too late…"
"Yes you did," Robin cried. He pressed his fingers gently to her chest, "you knew in here." He closed his eyes as he thought about some of the things he'd had going through his head that day. "We both did," he whispered.
"Rob, I'm so sorry," she cried.
"Why are you sorry?" Robin rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and smoothed her hair away from her face, "there was nothing you could have done."
"It hurts so much," Kim whispered. She didn't mean the physical pain.
Robin nodded, biting his lip.
"I know," he whispered.
Kim closed her eyes and let the tears flow. She'd been through the whole wheel of emotions in that one day, but she had never expected to feel this bad. She was surprised by the depths of her sadness. For something that had been a stupid and careless accident that could have ruined everything she found herself aching to turn back the clock, for things to be different, for the baby to have been strong and healthy. And more than that, she realised with some distress that she wanted Robin's baby. She couldn't cope with all the emotions that were flying around inside of her, mixed in with terrible memories of her miscarriage in 1995. It brought back so much, so many things she had tried to bury.
They cried and stayed close for some time until finally Kim took a deep breath and tried to push the tears away. Her mind was so mixed up and her emotions running wild. She knew she had hormones raging through her veins and she wasn't in the best frame of mind for thinking logically but she knew that it would be a matter of time before Linda arrived and she had to find a way to fight her emotions. She couldn't tell her. Couldn't let her know. She needed to escape the trauma.
"Perhaps," she whispered, "it was for the best."
Robin's head rose from her side and he looked at her with his mouth agape.
"How can you say that?" he whispered.
"You had a narrow escape," Kim whispered, "we both did."
Robin frowned and shook his head.
"That's not the way I see it," he whispered.
"If this hadn't happened I'd have had to tell Linda and then... I mean… it would all be over," Kim tried to explain herself, "and there's too much to think about. It's not as though we could have raised a baby together, Rob. It's not like we… I mean, every time we get close to being… we run away…"
Robin felt his lip starting to tremble.
"There was one time we didn't run away," he whispered.
"And how could we even think about starting a relationship when you're engaged to Simon and you want to be with him more than anything?" Kim whispered, "and I'm married… and…" she closed her eyes as thoughts of Shaz passed through her mind. "and I know that I don't feel what I'm supposed to for Linda, but I took a vow, and I need to work on that…"
Robin shook his head slowly.
"No, Kim, please don't do this," he begged.
"It's too complicated – we're both still gay, nothing's changed, and even though we keep getting drawn together we're never going to be attracted to each other physically in the way we should be… that would never be fair on either of us."
"Not wanting to touch your squidgy bits doesn't stop me from going as hard as a rock every time I'm near you," Robin was shocked by his own bluntness and almost apologised for his words. They didn't usually come naturally to him. Never really had. He started to find himself opening up more when he was around Kim and the words just slipped out.
"But that's not enough, Rob," she whispered, "what if one day you start resenting me because I'm not a man? Or if I started to resent you because you're not a woman? What if we just have needs that the other can't fill?"
"If you love someone you can work through anything," Robin cried. He froze and his eyes widened as he realised what he'd said. From the look of
shock on Kim's face she hadn't been expecting that either. She felt like her heart was going to stop dead in her chest. Her mouth fell open as she tried to process what he'd said. She breathed deeply for a moment. She couldn't think about that right now. She couldn't take it in.
"Robin," she whispered, "you still wear your ring. And whatever… whatever we have… had…," she saw Robin's face fall terribly with that word, "it's nothing compared to what you feel for Simon. And me?" she closed her eyes, "I've never gotten over Shaz and I've already screwed up Linda's life because I don't feel the same way. What if I do the same to you?"
"We won't know until we try," Robin whispered, his heart breaking.
Kim shook her head slowly.
"We need to stop this," she whispered, "here and now. Before we break each other's hearts even more."
Robin stared at her through the tears falling down his cheeks.
"My heart's already broken," he whispered.
Kim swallowed and struggled to hold back the next round of tears. Hers was broken too. She took a deep breath and choked back a sob as she whispered,
"I can't keep hurting you, Rob, and I can't keep being hurt. We need to stop." She closed her eyes. "I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry…" she looked up at him, her lip trembling and her face falling. "It's over."
Robin cried and begged her to reconsider, to think again and to listen to how he felt but Kim closed her ears and closed her heart. She wanted to do the right thing by everyone and although hurting Robin tore her own heart in two there were so many others who stood to suffer if they carried on the way they were going.
A narrow escape. That's what Kim told herself again and again as she told Robin to leave her room. It was never meant to be.
But even as she tried to convince herself she didn't believe it for a moment. She felt empty and devastated, she'd lost her baby – a baby she only just started to realise how much she wanted. Now she'd lost Robin too. It was the right thing. The gallant thing. She never wanted to take Robin away from Simon and never wanted him to have to make that choice.
