by Jack Parker
But that one word, four little letters that Robin had spoken went around in her head on repeat and her broken heart crumbled into dust right where she lay.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
He felt numb, empty and desolate as he sat with his glass of brandy and stared at the black TV screen. There was nothing on it. He hadn't switched it on, he just needed a focal point, something to stare at. He had barely moved for the last two hours. He just couldn't. He couldn't think, he couldn't act, he was numb from head to toe.
In one day his life had fallen completely apart. He thought he'd been through enough pain for one lifetime but it seemed not. He couldn't breathe properly, his chest felt tight. He'd cried for so long and so hard that his eyes were red but out of tears and his mouth was dry. He couldn't cry any more. He was already hiccupping every time he breathed in from the tears that he'd cried. He couldn't take much more.
He wasn't sure which part made him angriest, the fact that Kim had closed down whatever they had between them without a second thought or the fact that he knew she was right to do it. There was so much confusion, so much pain involved and so many people who stood to get hurt by it, themselves included.
A hard knocking at the door came out of the blue and surprised him. Why would anyone be knocking anyway? How did they get in the building? He set down his glass and began to march miserably to the hallway as the knocking came again.
"Alright, alright!" he cried, "I'm coming!" As he opened the door he couldn't have been more shocked to see Kim standing there, half-crumpled, pale and bruised. His mouth fell open a little. "Kim?" he tried to make sense of what he was seeing, "what the fucking hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in hospital, no way should they have let you out."
Kim looked at him, her eyes tearful and bloodshot.
"They didn't," she whispered shakily, "I snuck out."
"How can you even walk, Kim?" he cried, "how could you even get out of bed?"
Kim looked a little sheepish. She knew she'd done a very stupid thing.
"I barely did," she whispered, "but I couldn't stay there."
"Your ribs…?"
"They're only cracked, there's nothing they can do for that, just time to heal them."
"And," Robin bit his lip, swallowing hard, "what about the…" he couldn't bring himself to say miscarriage. His eyes moved lower down on Kim's body to ask in a non-verbal way.
"It was very early," she whispered, "it's not like last time. It's just like a heavy –" she stopped talking, not wanting to say period in front of Robin. She looked down. "I don't need to stay in for that."
"All your bruises…" Robin continued to fuss but Kim, shook her head.
"Rob, I've been sitting and crying non-stop for the last two hours," she whispered, "the injuries on the outside are going to heal but the ones on the inside…" she flinched as she tried to cope with the emotions that were flying around her head. "I needed to see you ."
"You could have called," Robin whispered, "I'd have been right there."
"I didn't think you'd answer," Kim whispered, "after what I said earlier."
Robin felt a stabbing pain in his chest as her words came back to haunt him. He swallowed as his eyes threatened to fill again.
"I'd still have been there," he whispered He was confused – after everything she had said what the hell was she doing there?
"Robin," she whispered, "I needed to see you,. Needed to be with you." Her face started to crumble, "No one else… no one understands… it was yours and mine…"
Robin closed his eyes as a sob threatened to choke him.
"I know," he whispered.
"I needed to be with you right now," Kim whispered, "I didn't know what I was saying earlier, the pain and the medication and…" she began to stumble a little, exhausted and weakened. Robin caught her and held her as tightly as he dared.
"God, what are we standing at the door for?" he muttered as he closed it begin her and started to lead her slowly to the lounge. Every step was staggered and every breath laboured as he led her there. Was there an inch of her body that didn't hurt? He didn't think there could be from the painful way she held herself. He gently sat her on the sofa and sank down beside her. "How the hell did you get here?" he asked.
Kim looked down. She saw the brandy on the table and wished she hadn't been pumped so full of medication. She could have done with a glass of something right then.
"Taxi rank outside the hospital" she said quietly, "I waited until the doctors and nurses changed shift, disconnected my drip and made my getaway." She paused, "slowly."
"No one noticed?" asked Robin.
"I was just another person staggering about the corridors," Kim said quietly, "they probably will be glad to have one less blood pressure to check tonight."
Robin stared at her. He found himself trembling.
"I didn't think I was ever going to see you again," he said quietly.
Kim swallowed. She couldn't meet his stare.
"I was trying to do the right thing," she whispered.
"So why are you here now?"
Kim glanced at him sideways. Her face was sad, her eyes full of anguish.
"I needed to be with you," she whispered, "I can't bear this grief on my own."
Robin felt his eyes closing and a tear rolled down his cheek. He swallowed and nodded.
"Neither can I," he whispered.
"And what I said," Kim began, "it really might be for the best… in some ways…" she closed her eyes and shook her head. "but that doesn't mean that I can't stop thinking about what it would have been like." She looked at him properly now, saw his expression as haunted and devastated as her own, "having your baby, Rob. Whether it would have been another boy or if it would be a girl this time. Would it have looked more like me or you? Would it have your dark eyes or my blue ones?"
"Kim, don't do this to yourself," he begged, "please," but these were all questions he'd been wondering too.
"I can't stop thinking about it," Kim whispered, "I keep thinking what it would have been like, going through another pregnancy with you there. Would it have been different?" She swallowed, "Linda was never interested in what I was going through with the pregnancies. She wanted the boys as much as I did, but…" she shook her head, "never was interested in what I was going through, never asked me questions, how I was feeling. I'd feel kicks and she'd never want to feel them for herself. Never interested in the scans…"
Robin shook his head slowly.
"How can anyone go through the process without being interested in all of that?" he whispered.
"I think Linda would have just been happy to adopt, miss out on the whole pregnancy part," Kim shook her head, "but I wanted to do it. I needed to." After what she'd been through in '95 she needed that experience to complete her. "I wonder how different it would have been with you." She saw Robin's eyes overflowing and felt guilty for making him cry but she couldn't stop the words from coming, "because there's something there between us, Rob…. I don't know what it is but it runs deep."
Robin stared at her and swallowed, his hand shaking as he reached out to gently stroke her hair.
"I know," he whispered.
"You look at us on the surface and you'd think we were like chalk and cheese, but under the superficial stuff…" she closed her eyes for a moment, "we're on the same wavelength."
Robin nodded, his eyes slowed.
"I know," he whispered. He gently drew her head closer and cradled it against his chest, tucking her away beneath his chin. It reminded him of that one night together, the way he felt when he held her in his arms.
"But it's that bond that scares me," whispered Kim, "because it's hard… so hard to fight."
"Then don't," Robin found himself drawing away from her, his heart beginning to race, "for god's sake Kim, we're going round and round but we always end up in the same place. I wish that you didn't feel so scared. I wish that I didn't either."
"There's too much there," whispered Kim, "it's ju
st too complicated."
"We don't know that unless we try," Robin whispered. He laid his fingers against her cheek. Her skin was as soft as always, no matter how many shades of hell she'd been though. One look into her eyes and he found himself drawn to her again, his lips suddenly pressed against hers, a kiss that sent his heart rate up so high and drew a gasp from him. As he began to move a little closer she drew back and shook her head strongly.
"I didn't come here for this," she whispered.
"What are you here for?" Robin didn't know what she wanted from him, "Kim, I don't know what to do."
"Neither do I," Kim whispered.
"I want you," the words broke his voice and caused her heart to race, "I don't mean… don't mean like I'm about to whisk you to bed, Kim, I don't mean in that way, although," he closed his eyes for a moment, "although I can't stop thinking about that too… I want you with me." His face looked tortured and pained, "and I don't understand this any more now than I did weeks ago when I first realised…" he swallowed, "but I can't get you out of my head."
Kim felt herself becoming too tearful and too emotional. She didn't want to make any decisions that she was going to regret.
"I need to have a clear head to talk about this Robin," she whispered, we need to grieve and –"
"Yes, we do, so for god's sake, let us do it together."
"I need time before we –"
"Enough bloody time, Kim, I can't stand this limbo any longer."
Kim knew she was coming closer to letting the tears fly. She started to shake her head. She slowly got to her feet.
"I shouldn't have comer," she whispered, "I'm sorry, Rob, I'm so sorry… I keep doing this to you…"
Robin looked on in horror as she started to slowly walk away.
"Kim, please don't walk out on me again," he begged.
"I need to come back when I'm not feeling so emotional," Kim whispered. Robin followed her along the hall, desperate to stop her but knowing that nothing he said would change her mind.
"You keep on walking away," he whispered tearfully.
As she reached the front door, Kim turned around.
"I wish I could stop myself," she whispered, "but I can't."
Feeling ashamed and guilty she hung her head and walked as fast as her failing body would let her down the hallway. Robin felt like he'd been stabbed right through the heart as he watched her go. It was so painful – far too painful. He just let her keep doing it to him.
That was it. She kept doing it because he let her. She wished that she could stop herself but she couldn't. So that meant he'd have to stop her instead.
He drew in a deep breath, panic blinding him for a moment. Was he going to do this? Was he really going to do this?
He reached into his pocket. His keys were still there. How much had he actually had to drink? He thought about his full brandy glass in the lounge. He'd barely touched it. Barely even a sip.
So this was it. Make or break time.
He drew in a breath and glanced at the photograph of himself and Simon in the hallway. He knew that he would never, ever stop loving Simon and that his love for him would never diminish but he couldn't fight what he was feeling for Kim any longer and he just hoped that, one day, whenever they were reunited, that Simon might be able to understand.
He shut the door behind him and tore down the corridor and down the stairs calling her name but there was no sign of her. How the hell did she move that fast after being knocked down by a car? But this was Kim, he reminded himself, the most stubborn person he'd ever met.
He ran into the fresh evening air and looked up and down. She couldn't be too far, surely? Then he spotted her, climbing into a taxi at the taxi rank by the off-licence.
"Shit, how long was I thinking up there?" cried Robin. He felt a moment of panic run through him. The taxi was pulling away and he knew she wasn't going to stop if he stood waving his arms like a fool.
He ran to his car, climbed inside and started the engine. His heart was pounding. This was it. No more second chances, no margin of error, this was it. Putting his foot on the accelerator he began to speed up, looking anxiously for the taxi. He could see it in the distance, getting slowly closer as he carried on driving. The tears blurred his vision still but he couldn't have been more focused if he tried.
The taxi was closer now. Where was she going? It didn't seem to be the route to her house, maybe she was going back to the hospital? He bit his lip. She might well need to go back there anyway if this didn't go right, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
He increased his speed until he found himself parallel to the taxi, then he took a deep breath and muttered,
"Wish I'd paid more attention to Gene Hunt's driving."
This was it. Certain death in five, four, three, two, one…
He put on a burst of speed and began to leave the taxi behind in a trail of dust before turning, crossing into the lane beside him and squealing to a halt. He braced himself for the worst.
The taxi threw on its brakes and skidded to a halt, inches away from him. He said a silent prayer of thanks, steeled himself and got out of the car.
A very angry Kim stepped out of the back of the taxi.
"What the hell are you doing?" she cried as she moved slowly towards him, "you total fucking idiot! You could have killed yourself! And me!
"You couldn't stop yourself," Robin began calmly, "so I stopped you."
Kim stared at him, confused.
"What do you mean?"
"You said you couldn't stop yourself from walking away," Robin told her, "so I had to stop you." He looked at her seriously as the expression on her face became one of intrigue and confusion.
"Rob, what the hell?" she asked.
Robin swallowed.
"It's enough, Kim," he began, "that's as much as I can take We're killing each other. It's got to stop. For god's sake, today should have taught us that." He saw her looked down a little in sadness. "You keep saying it's too complicated… maybe it's only that complicated because we're letting it be. Because it's an easier option to keep making excuses than to face it head on and actually do something about it." He watched her face. She was staring at him, trapped in his gaze, listening to his words. He swallowed. "Kim… I know the facts. You don't need to keep reminding me of them. I know I'm not Shaz… and you're not Simon. And I know that in an ideal world we'd have been with those people forever. But we've got…" he shook his head slowly, "something,. I don't know what it is. Neither do you. And we can't seem to find out while we're just skirting around it." He walked slowly towards her until he stood just an inch or two away. "Just because we can't be with them right now doesn't mean we have to make ourselves miserable when we have a chance to be happy together."
Kim swallowed nervously.
"You think we do?"
"I think we at least owe it to ourselves to find out," he said, "but we will never know for certain if we keep running away." He stared at her intensely, unable to think of anything but making this happen. "And I know that you're married and you're scared of losing your family, but I know that I've never seen you look at Linda the way you look at me. And I don't know how the hell I would ever explain to Simon that I…" he hesitated. His stomach started churning anxiously, "…that I've fallen in love with a woman, " he saw her expression soften, her lip trembling as he said those words, "Let alone his best friend. But I know what he told me in that letter. He wanted me to find someone who would make me happy."
Kim swallowed.
"He once told me the same thing," she whispered.
"So you want to be the one to tell him we found each other and both ignored him?" He saw her give a tiny smile. "I know this is a bigger thing for you than it is for me," he whispered, "your marriage, your kids… And I can't begin to imagine how scary the thought of walking away from that is for you." He stared her right in the eye. "So I want you to be absolutely sure."
Kim breathed heavily. Her mouth felt very dry.
&n
bsp; "How?" she whispered.
Robin bit his lip.
"I can't believe I'm about to say this," he whispered, "Simon would be…" he flinched as he almost said turning in his grave, "well, he wouldn't approve…" he took a deep breath. "Don't make any decisions about your family right now. Not until you know who you want to be with."
Kim's eyes were glistening but full of questions.
"But how can I ever find that out?" she whispered, "how can I even begin to learn?"
Robin swallowed.
"You can start by getting in my car and coming home with me to stay the night," he told her urgently, "I don't mean… you know. I know you can't… wouldn't even want to… not right now…" he waved his hand slightly to indicate her present state, "I just want to know what it's like to sleep by your side, and wake up with you in the morning." He gave a slightly anxious smile. "Sort of like when Keats was on the loose and I had to sleep at yours', except this time there would be more kissing and fewer escaped criminals." He saw Kim's slips flicker and a tiny smile grew on her face but it faded back into nervousness as his words played through her mind.
Robin had never felt so scared, he'd never felt so unsure of his actions. Maybe he'd done the right thing or maybe he'd ruined their friendship forever. He didn't know. The wait for Kim to respond seemed to go on forever. He found himself waking slowly back to his car where he opened the passenger door and stepped back.
Then it happened. Slowly, so hesitantly, Kim took a step forward. She looked deep into his eyes and walked towards him. She saw him swallow nervously. She knew that feeling; She was every bit as scared as he was. With a trembling hand she reached up to him and stroked the side of his face, then leant slowly forward and let her lips brush his, as gently as anything. Then with the tiniest nod she stooped down as carefully as she could and slipped into the car.
The feeling of euphoria that ran through Robin's body was like nothing on earth. His heart was pounding and his hands were trembling as he closed the door behind her and walked around to the driver's side.
