Creeper Life

by Zack Zombie

  The class went farther down the mineshaft to see if we could explore more stuff.

  But I stayed behind because I felt my stomach rumbling.

  So, I ducked behind a rock and let out a little toot so that nobody would notice.

  But when I turned around, they were all gone.

  Yeah, they noticed.

  “Aw, man! Who took my stuff?!” somebody yelled.

  Uh oh. I guess the owner of the chest came back.

  But I don’t know how. Nobody ever mines at night.

  “Ewww! What’s that smell?”

  I guess he noticed, too.

  “Man, that smells like rotten flesh, mixed with moldy cheese, mixed with fireworks,” the stranger said.

  I tried to keep quiet, but I was getting excited again.

  HSSSSSSS. PFFFFT.

  “Who’s there?”

  HSSSSSSS. PFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

  “All right, I can hear you. And I can smell you, blech. Come out or I’m gonna throw this block of TNT at you.”

  TNT! Oh, man, I better come out before I really drop a bomb.

  So, I came out from behind the rock.

  “Ahhh! A Creeper!”

  HSSSSSSS.

  “Hey, wait a minute, you ate my cake?”

  Wha? How did he know? I didn’t even have any icing on my face.

  “How did you know?

  “Let’s just say your farts smell like vanilla flavored gunpowder.”

  Wow, talk about embarrassing.

  “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to eat your cake. It was just sitting there and it looked so good, thass all.”

  “Eh, don’t worry about it. I’ll just go back to the village later and get more.”

  “So, you’re not mad?”

  “Mad, no way. Because I found the biggest diamond you can imagine,” the square-headed boy said as he pulled a big, shiny, bright diamond out of his pocket.

  “Oooohhhhh prreeecioussssssss,” I said.

  Then he gave me a really weird look.

  “Ooooh Kay. Hey, what are you doing here anyway?”

  “Well, I was on a field trip today but I lost my group.”

  “Well, I’m in a pretty good mood so I’ll help you find them,” he said.

  “Thanks a lot!” I said, staring at the diamond as he put it in his pocket.

  “So, what’s your name?”

  “My name is Jasper. Jasper Creeper. What’s yours?”

  “I’m Steve,” he said.

  Then, he reached out his hand for a shake.

  But I just stood there. . .looking at it.

  Monday, Later That Day. . .

  “What was your class doing in the mines, anyway?” Steve asked.

  “Well, we were supposed to be studying Villagers and their weird customs. You know, like when Villagers just grunt instead of speaking, or why they have such long noses, or why they wear robes in the middle of the summer. . .stuff like that.”

  “You know, now that you mention it, that is weird.”

  “So today, we were doing a field trip to see where Villagers go all day. The cool part is that we keep finding chests full of really cool stuff. The other kids already found a ton of cool stuff they’re taking back to school.”

  “Did you say chests? Oh no. . .”

  I could tell by the look on Steve’s face that either he was really mad, really constipated, or that something was wrong.

  “What’s up?” I asked Steve.

  “Some Villagers booby trap their chest to make sure nobody steals their diamonds. If those kids open the wrong chest, then. . .”

  Oh, man. I knew what that meant.

  “Which way do you think they went?” Steve asked.

  “I don’t know. I think they said something about looking for a dungeon.”

  “Oh, I know where that is,” Steve said. “It’s really close. It’s at. . .”

  BOOOOOM!

  Oh man. . .I think I better start looking for a new school.

  Tuesday

  Yeah, it’s Tuesday already.

  I told you days go by really fast in Minecraft.

  Well, we finally found our class or what was left of them.

  Just kidding.

  The explosion didn’t really hurt anybody.

  Except one Enderman kid named Stan got a little hurt.

  Stan has really sticky fingers.

  You never know where you stuff is when Stan’s around.

  But I guess now we won’t have to worry about that anymore.

  The entire class was trapped in one of the dungeons.

  The explosion caused a cave-in at the front of the entrance.

  We could hear them through the rocks. But we couldn’t get to them.

  They even said they were trapped in there with a Spider monster spawner.

  Well, that’s when my hero turned to zero.

  You see, I don’t like spiders.

  They give me the creeps.

  I just get weirded out by how they crawl around with their little legs and how they sneak up on you and stuff. . .

  And that hissing sound just drives me crazy.

  “So, how are we going to get them out of there?” I asked Steve.

  “I don’t know. But we’re going to have to do it soon. This place is really unstable.”

  All of a sudden, I started feeling wet.

  But don’t worry, I hadn’t farted so I was safe.

  “Hey, Steve, look!”

  “There was water seeping out from the giant rocks that were covering the dungeon room.

  “I think the explosion opened up an underwater lake,” Steve said. “If we don’t get them out of there, they’re not going to last long.”

  Well at least it’ll take care of the spider problem, I thought.

  Naw, what am I thinking. We need to do something!

  But, Steve and I tried everything.

  Well, it’s more like Steve tried everything.

  I don’t have arms, remember?

  But nothing worked.

  The water was rising higher and higher.

  I could even hear the zombies moaning, the Skeletons clacking, and the Creepers hissing.

  Which made me even more nervous.

  Then I started hissing.

  “Calm down, Jasper,” Steve said. “We’ll figure something out.”

  Then things got quiet.

  “Awwww! What’s that smell?!”

  “Sorry,” I said. “I’m nervous.”

  Then Steve tried to hold his breath.

  “Now you know why my nickname in school is Silent but Deadly. . .and Under Thunder. . .and Barking Spider, which honestly really offends me, and. . .”

  “Dude, you’re a genius!” Steve said. Or that’s what I think he said.

  It was hard hearing him because he had his shirt over his big square head.

  Steve grabbed his bag and started looking for something.

  He pulled out a torch.

  “What are you going to do with that?”

  “Well, you ever heard of fart lighting?” Steve said with a creepy look on his face.

  “Uh. . .no.”

  “Well, if we can fill this whole cave with your nasty smelling gunpowder farts that should give us enough gas to blow a hole in the doorway of the dungeon,” Steve said.

  “Won’t it blow us up, too?”

  Man, I wasn’t sure if the rumors about Villagers were true. But this would be the perfect opportunity for Steve to start blowing up Creepers.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll be safe if we hide in one of the other tunnels,” he said.

  “Oh,
okay. . .” I think.

  “So, go for it!” Steve said expecting something climactic.

  “Go for what?”

  “Dude, lay down some cheese.”

  “Cheese?”

  “Yeah, drop an A-bomb”

  “A wha. . .?”

  “You know, break wind, squeeze cheese, throw an air biscuit, burn down the barn, beep your horn, blast the bazooka, exhume the dinner corpse, roar from the rear, step on a frog, get out and walk Donald, turn up the audio to eleven. . .”

  “You want me to toot?!! I can’t do it while you’re watching. Besides, it only happens when I’m nervous or when I laugh. . .or when I get really excited.”

  Then I could see Steve’s face light up like a Christmas tree.

  All of a sudden, Steve stood up on a rock like he was going to give a speech.

  “Hey, Jasper, did you hear the one about the Creeper that went to the doctor?” Steve said.

  “Uh. . .no,” I said, not know what to expect.

  “Well, the doctor told the Creeper, ‘I’m sorry but you suffer from a deadly disease and you only have ten to live.’

  The Creeper said, ‘What do you mean, ten? Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?!’

  The doctor said, ‘Nine. . .eight. . .seven. . .’”

  “Tee, hee, hee. . .”

  VRRRNNT!

  “Hey, it’s working!” I said. “Keep going, Steve!”

  Then, Steve adjusted his imaginary bow tie and continued. . .

  “One day a Witch asked her son, ‘Paul, do you think I’m a bad mother?’

  The son says, ‘My name is Jim.’”

  “Ha, ha, ha. . .”

  BRRRTTT!

  “Ha, ha, ha. . .”

  BRRRTTT!

  I could tell Steve was really trying to keep a straight face, but I think the smell was getting to him.

  “Two Skeleton girls were fighting over a Skeleton boy. Then the Skeleton boy called the police.

  The Skeleton boy said, ‘Hey there are two Skeleton girls here fighting over me.’

  The Policeman asked him, ‘So. . .what’s the problem?’

  The Skeleton boy says, ‘The ugly one is winning.’”

  “HEHEHEHEHE!!!”

  BRAAAHTHPPTPTPTPTPTPTT!

  Cough, Cough, Cough.

  “Come on, Steve, you can do this!” I said.

  “Cough, okay!” Steve said.

  “A teacher said to his Mob class one day, ‘If you think you’re dumb, please stand up.’

  Nobody stood up, so the teacher said, “I’m sure there are some kids in this class that think they’re dumb!”

  Then Little Johnny the Creeper stood up.

  The teacher said, ‘Oh, Johnny! So, you think you’re dumb then?’

  Little Johnny replied, ‘No, I just felt bad that you were standing by yourself.’”

  “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

  FRR. . . FRR. . . FRRRRRR. . .RAMPOOOOOOOOAG. . . PPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

  I think we had enough farts to blow up five dungeons.

  Plus, Steve was turning a weird green color.

  “He, he, he. . .Steve, I think we can stop now,” I said.

  “Hold up. I got one more,” Steve said, trying to talk in between fainting spells.

  “A Creeper’s mom asker her son, “How was school today, Patrick?”

  Patrick said, “It was really great, Mom! Today we learned about why Creepers explode.”

  The Creeper’s mom said, ‘Ooh, they teach really fancy stuff in school these days. What are you going to do at school tomorrow?’

  Then Patrick said, ‘What school?’”

  “Hey, that’s not funny,” I said. “I have a cousin that happened to.”

  Well, we had everything we needed.

  The whole mineshaft smelled like a Creeper Reunion at a chili contest.

  And we needed to hurry because the water was almost reaching the top of the dungeon.

  “Stand back, everybody!” Steve yelled between breaths.

  So, Steve and I ran to the entrance of another mineshaft.

  Then, he lit the torch and threw it toward the dungeon entrance.

  And then. . .

  KKKKAAAABBBBBOOOOOOMMM!!!!

  A gush of water came rushing through the mineshaft, dragging all of us with it.

  Finally, it stopped at the end of the mineshaft where we first found Steve’s chest of stuff.

  A few spiders hitched a ride on the tidal wave, too, which I didn’t think was cool at all.

  So, me and Steve saved my entire 7th grade class.

  And, the kids were so grateful they gave Steve all his stuff back.

  Except for the cake.

  Yeah, that was gone. . .for good.

  Wednesday

  After our near-death experience in the Mineshaft yesterday, Ms. Nilnose asked me to write a paper about the one thing that I would want to let the world know about Creepers.

  Well, after thinking about it for a while, this is what I wrote:

  Dear World,

  I wanted to write this paper to give you a little peek into a Creeper’s life to help stop some of the rumors people have made up about Creepers.

  Those rumors can really hurt, you know.

  First of all, we don’t purposely blow players up in Minecraft.

  We just get really excited to meet you, thasss all.

  And, we don’t blow up your house when you’re not looking.

  Just don’t leave sharp objects or cactus plants around your new house if you really care about it.

  And no, we don’t blow up your stuff on purpose. . .

  Well, not all the time, anyway.

  And, yes, Creepers have stubby arms and legs and we walk around naked all the time.

  And, yes, Creepers have stinky farts and poop gunpowder.

  And, yes, Creepers explode if we get too nervous or too excited.

  But everybody has their quirks.

  And ours just make us special, thasss all.

  So, if you can look past all the weird quirks and our hazardous personality. . .

  You’ll realize that we’re really warm and loveable inside.

  And we really, really, really love hugs.

  Find out What Happens Next in…

  Diary of a Minecraft Creeper Book 2

  Coming soon…

  If you really liked this book, please tell a friend.

  I’m sure they will be happy you told them about it.

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