Angels & Sinners: The Motor City Edition

by Ashley Suzanne

  I take only a few minutes to freshen up and change outfits before I’m sitting at the bar ordering another rum and Coke. Since Kayce is on stage, I know that I’ve got one more girl ahead of me and then I’m back on the pole. Scoping out the room, I realize it’s damn near dead in here except for the table of college guys that Rob came in with, but he’s still not back at the table. I’m about to go back to the VIP area to check on him when I see him chatting with the bouncer and making his way toward his friends.

  “Yo, Walterson, was she as good as she looked?” one of the kids in the group yells out from across the bar and high-fives his buddy. Tactful much?

  Much to my dismay, I now know his name, giving him more of an identity than just some random guy I fucked. Rob Walterson. Wait. I look at him a little closer and study his facial features. Warning signs are flashing through my brain, and with every second he becomes more familiar.

  “Robbie?” I yell and catch his attention. He freezes in his tracks, staring at me like I just insulted him.

  “Dallas?” His eyebrows furrow as if he’s pondering a serious question before his eyes widen in recognition. “Holy fuck, Dallas?”

  God damn. Mother fucker. Shit balls. This is so not fucking good.

  I rush over to him as quick as my heels allow, yelling to the DJ to take me out of rotation for a while. He’s going to be pissed, but at this point I couldn’t give two shits. There’s something that needs to be hashed out and done right fucking now.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” he mutters as I walk him to the back door that’s used for the dancers and the rest of the staff.

  “You’re fucking right ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’. What the fuck, Robbie? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Oh, ‘cause I knew? Shit, Dallas. Does Jack know?” Of course he would bring up my cousin at a time like this. I think there are more pertinent things to discuss, like how I just fucked my cousin’s best friend, for money no less. “I knew you looked familiar. Mother fucker,” he mutters under his breath.

  “No, he doesn’t and you’re not gonna say shit. But really, me say something? What about you? Am I being punked?” I start looking around for hidden cameras because this kind of shit is something you would see on TV during a candid camera show.

  “Dallas, I’m so sorry. If I knew, I wouldn’t have. You know that, right? I don’t go around paying for sex, I swear. The guys put me up for this since it’s my birthday. They said they would pay for a dance, I didn’t know we were gonna have sex.” Does he realize how condescending he sounds?

  “Dude, I don’t give a fuck what you do or don’t do. The fact of the matter is, I do. I get paid to fuck.” His mouth forms an O shape as he realizes what he said a few seconds ago.

  “I didn’t mean anything by that, I’m just… I don’t know … This is so bad. Jack is gonna kill me.”

  “He won’t kill you because you are never going to say anything. What’s done is done. No need to bring it up again. Just don’t come back here again, understand?”

  “Yeah, Dallas, I got you.”

  “And don’t call me Dallas while you’re here. The name’s Sapphire. I use a stage name to protect myself. How many girls in this little po-dunk county do you know named Dallas?” Robbie purses his lips, trying to think of how many he can think of. When he realizes, he nods his head. “Exactly, so go back to your friends and get out of here. This never gets brought up again.”

  Instead of walking back inside, he walks around the building toward the front. I’m sure his friends are looking for him, so I go through the back door. Sure enough, five more frat boys are standing around the stage in a small circle, undoubtedly waiting for their friend.

  “He’s waiting out front.” I don’t wait for a response before heading to the dressing room. As soon as I step over the threshold, my knees buckle and I have to balance myself on the counter. A few of the girls are staring at me, but they probably just assume I had a bad bump or something. I don’t care enough to dignify them with an explanation.

  Working the rest of the night isn’t going to be in the cards for me so I pack up my bag, throw on my jeans and a hoodie and leave through the back without telling the owner or DJ that I won’t be back tonight. Fuck, as shaken as I am right now, I can’t say that I’ll be back at all.

  My dingy little motel room has never felt so lonely before. Fuck Robbie for making me feel this way. He’s evoked feelings in me that I’ve tried so hard to push aside for years. Jack was the one who finally convinced me to run away from home just before graduation. He knew how bad it had gotten. He watched me change. Now that I think about it, Robbie and Jack were so damn close there’s no way that Robbie doesn’t know what happened to me.

  There are reasons why I drown myself in a bottle of rum every night. There are reasons that I fuck without any emotion. There are reasons why I don’t ever show any emotion, and I should have listened to my body when those red flags started waving before I fucked Robbie. I can’t ever take that back. I’ve known him almost all my life, and I didn’t recognize him, but those eyes were so fucking familiar.

  He used to be a scrawny little kid. I was always taller than him even though he was a year older, like Jack, until high school when he gained five inches on me but never gained any weight. The acne that was all over his face is very much gone now. He’s filled out nicely, too. But those damn emerald colored eyes should have given him away. I’ve never so much as seen anyone with similar eyes to his.

  “Goddamn, I should have listened.” I slam my hand on the peeling, yellowing wallpaper that’s on every damn wall of this disgusting room.

  I can feel the panic attack setting in. I’ve been down this road so many times that I know all the warning signs—the shortness of breath, the heavy beating of my heart, and the crazy thoughts encompassing my head. Rushing to the medicine cabinet in my bathroom, I take two Xanex from the bottle, swallow them with a gulp of water directly from the faucet and start a shower.

  Shakily, I shrug out of my hoodie and shimmy out of my jeans. I’m barely naked before I’m under the showerhead, wishing the water could wash away how dirty I feel. These kinds of moments happen few and far between since I’ve detached myself from everything, and I’m so fucking pissed at Robbie for bringing this back up.

  No sooner do I wrap myself in a thin and fading pink towel that’s lost all its fluff, I hear a knock at my door. It’s one in the morning and my rent isn’t due for three days. I swear to God, if the owner of this pathetic excuse for a motel thinks I’m going to fuck him again for a rent pass, he’s out of his mind. I did that one time because I didn’t have much of a choice. This cheap-ass room doesn’t have a peephole in the door, so I’m forced to crack the door with the chain still attached.

  The second I see those emerald eyes staring back at me, my breath hitches and I brace myself on the door frame.

  “Robbie, what the fuck? How do you know where I live?”

  “I followed you back to make sure you got home okay. I took the guys back to campus and came back. We need to talk, can I come in?”

  I shut the door and rest my head on the cheap wood separating Robbie from me. He’s only inches away and I can feel him all over me again. A few deep breaths and I unhook the chain. I don’t invite him in, but I don’t forbid him from entering. I’m walking toward the bathroom when I hear the handle turn and the door squeak open.

  I make the mistake of turning around and notice the same lust from earlier. I’m floored. He knows who I am, knows what I’ve been through and is still looking at me like I’m the most perfect person ever.

  “Dallas?”

  “Yeah,” I whisper all too breathy. Compose yourself, Dallas. I give myself a mental slap across the face to wake up and correct my voice. “You came all the way here, Robbie. Start talking.”

  “We really need to talk about what happened and what the fuck you’re doing here.” He waves his hand slightly around the room that’s scattered with my work clothes and food
wrappers. The look of disgust doesn’t go unnoticed, unless you can look past that to see the pity.

  “I’m here because this is where I live. What happened is you walked into a shady strip joint, paid a stripper to rock your world and then you went back to your happy little life, never to think of this night again. That’s what happened. What is there to discuss?”

  Robbie walks over to me and I’m frozen in my steps, unsure of why I’m not locking myself in the bathroom. He grabs my arms at the bicep but I’m not scared. I’ve known him too long to know he would never put his hands on me in anger.

  “No, Dallas. What are you doing here?” he whispers, his eyes pleading with me to tell him every detail of what led me to this point. I know exactly what he’s asking of me.

  “Well, Robbie,” I shrug out of his grasp and sit on the edge of the bed, “when I was sixteen, Ralph thought it would be a good idea to not only fuck my mother, but to fuck me, too. He came into my room and decided that my virginity was no longer something I should be concerned with. After that night, shit went downhill. Jack convinced me to run away and I did. I didn’t realize how hard it would be for a kid to get a job and support herself. So, that’s what I’m doing here. Taking care of myself. Just like I have for the past four years.”

  Robbie sits down next to me and looks like he’s trying to think of what to say. The shocked expression written all over his face leads me to believe that Jack kept my secret and Robbie didn’t know anything about Ralph or why I ran away.

  “Your mom told everyone that you were accepted early into college and left before graduation.”

  “My mother is a fucking liar. I ran away in the middle of the night. I stayed a few nights at Jack’s parents’ cabin, but I knew my mom would find me there and drag me back. It’s all about appearances to her. I’m sure that the president of Ralph’s company wouldn’t think too highly of him if he knew that he was raping his wife’s daughter, would he?”

  “Dallas, you could have come to me. I would have helped you.”

  “With what, Robbie? How could you help? You were in your freshman year of college.”

  “I know but I still could’ve done something.” Robbie leans forward, putting his head in his hands.

  “Really, there is nothing you could have done. I’ve been alright. This life isn’t sunshine and rainbows but I’m alive and have a roof over my head.” Robbie snorts at my last comment and I can totally understand why. This place isn’t anything to brag about, but honestly, it could be worse. I could be on the street. I could be dead.

  “I called Jack on my way back here. He’s on his way, should be about an hour or so.”

  I jump up from the bed, dropping my towel on the way up. With all of the anger boiling in my blood, I don’t even care that Robbie’s head pops up as soon as he sees the towel on the floor. Every inch of me is exposed and his eyes sear my skin.

  “Why the fuck would you do that!?” I scream, probably waking up every ’neighbor’ that I have. The cops are probably going to get called, which would only add icing to the shit cake I’ve been placed in.

  “Look at you, Dallas. You’re living in a shit motel, you’re fucking for money and you have people who can help you. This isn’t safe and you’re worth so much more than this.”

  “And how the fuck do you know what I’m worth? Just a little while ago, I was only worth the sixty bucks you handed over in exchange for a quick fuck.” Robbie’s face flushes and he slowly backs away from me. I’ve obviously struck a nerve. The embarrassment quickly turns to anger.

  “I was shocked. I thought I was going back for a dance and nothing else. There was just something about you. If you have it in your head that I think all you’re worth is sixty dollars, you’re sadly mistaken.”

  Suddenly, I feel very aware that I’m standing in front of him more naked and exposed than I have been in years. Not just because I have no clothes on, but I’ve told him a story that I haven’t told anyone before, except Jack. And now Jack is on his way here and I don’t know what to do. I’ve kept in contact throughout the years, just letting him know I was safe and alive, but not discussing my living arrangement or my employment.

  “I don’t want Jack to see me like this, Robbie. Please call him and tell him not to come.” I hate begging, but Jack is the only person in my life that still thinks I’m worth a damn. My mother hates me, my step-father is a piece of shit and now Robbie knows exactly who I am. I can’t let Jack see me like this, I just can’t.

  Noticing that Robbie isn’t reaching for his phone, I resort to normal behavior for a girl in my line of work. I drop to my knees in front of him and reach for his belt, only to have him stop me before I can even start to unbuckle the leather strap.

  “Stop it, Dallas.” He brushes my hand away, looking very uncomfortable in this situation.

  “Please, I’ll do anything. Please call Jack and tell him I’m fine. Please, Robbie, anything.” The desperation in my voice makes me want to vomit.

  “Come stay with me then, until you’re cleaned up enough to see Jack. You’re not staying here. That is the only other option you have here, Dallas.”

  How can I stay with him? He’s a college student. I’m sure that the dorms have specific rules about letting the opposite sex sleep in the same room or something like that, let alone letting whores sleep on campus. He can’t be serious. Robbie must be a mind reader because he answers my question before I even have a chance to vocalize my hesitation.

  “I have an apartment off campus. Jack isn’t going to turn around if he’s close. Make up your mind.”

  “Okay, I’ll go with you, please call him.”

  Robbie reaches in his front pocket, pulls out his phone and dials Jack.

  “Hey, man, she’s going to stay with me. I’m taking her back to the apartment, just come down in a couple days. Yeah, man, she’s good now. Sorry to worry you. Yeah, bro, I get it. You got my word.” And just like that the conversation is over and a wave of relief rushes over me.

  “Pack your shit, Dallas, and put some clothes on.” Robbie stands and walks to the door, impatiently waiting for me to get up off my knees and leave with him.

  I slowly stand, not making eye contact with him. I know how pathetic I look and it really doesn’t help that I’m naked as the day I was born. I quickly wrap my towel around me and walk into the bathroom. Once I’m safely behind the door, I grab the jeans and hoodie I changed out of earlier and put them back on, minus the bra and underwear.

  Walking out of the bedroom, I grab an oversized purse and put a change of clothes inside, along with a toothbrush and my dance purse that has the money I made tonight. I lift up the corner of the mattress and find the small wad of cash I’ve saved for emergencies and tuck that in my back pocket.

  “Ready?” Robbie calls from the door.

  “Yeah,” I whisper.

  Once I’m seated in Robbie’s truck, the awkwardness sets in. Try this on for size—just a few hours ago, I’m in the VIP room fucking a guy that I actually want to fuck, then I find out it’s a childhood friend and he basically strong arms me into going back to his place, but not to fuck me again, to try to save me. I know I always wanted a Prince Charming, but who fucking knew they actually existed? Sure as shit not me.

  Within twenty minutes, we pull up to an apartment building that’s the Taj Mahal compared to the living conditions I’ve been subjected to recently. Robbie’s apartment is on the first floor, which is amazing because I don’t know if I have the energy to walk up a flight of stairs. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted and as much as I don’t want to admit it, it might be nice sleeping without worrying about gunshots or the cockroaches getting in bed with me.

  “Bathroom’s back there, kitchen is there, help yourself to whatever you want.” Robbie shows me around the small apartment, but it’s not what I would have expected from a college kid. Everything is clean and in its place.

  Walking past the dining room table that’s covered with text books, note pads and
a laptop, I make my way into the kitchen, surprised again that it’s not littered with beer cans and dirty dishes. Opening the fridge, I grab a can of pop and walk back into the living room where I find Robbie making up the couch with a sheet, pillows and a thick blanket that makes me drool. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve slept with a blanket that isn’t thin as a sheet. The thought of staying warm at night puts a small smile on my face.

  “I’ll sleep on the couch, you take the bed.” Robbie starts to walk down a small hallway that takes me past the bathroom that looks glorious. The white walls aren’t yellowing and the tile grout is still white instead of the mold-infested color that I’m used to. It’s all a little much. I remind myself to not get used to this. It’s only a matter of days before Jack comes down, sees me for what I am and they both kick me to the curb, back to the hell hole I’ve been living in.

  When I cross the threshold into the bedroom, I feel like I’m in heaven. The queen-size bed is made up with black and red bedding that looks as soft as feathers but still masculine. The wall behind the wooden headboard is a deep blood red and the other three walls are black as night.

  “Robbie, I can sleep on the couch, you don’t have to give up your room.”

  “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to. Please, get a good night’s sleep.” And with that last statement, he’s out the door and back to the living room.

  I usually sleep naked or just in a bra and panties. Since I didn’t bring any underwear, I feel really weird sleeping naked in his bed. Looking around, I see a tee shirt thrown over the side of the dresser on the far wall. I pick it up and smell it, making sure it’s clean. Well, it’s been worn, and smells like the cologne that Robbie wears, but nothing else. I take off my clothes, folding and setting them on top of the dresser, careful not to make a mess. I throw the shirt on over my naked body and the soft cotton is a welcome feeling against my skin. It’s been too long since I’ve worn something this soft and comfortable.

  Peeling back the corner of the covers, I climb under the blanket and tuck myself in. I immediately melt into the mattress, tucking the blanket under my chin like a child. This is the safest I’ve felt in years, since before Ralph first snuck in my bedroom. Almost as soon as my head hits the pillow, I fall peacefully asleep.