An Honorable Woman

by Lindsay McKenna

  Wrinkling her nose, Cam muttered, “I fall into the first category. The relationship wars.”

  “I think we all do,” Gus said, listening to the music begin to fade away at the end of a song. He slowed his steps until they stood in one another’s arms on the dance floor. “The trick is learning that that’s a painful way to live and getting out of it. And then, hopefully, learning from the mistake. Try not to draw the same teacher, the same lesson again. Grow. Reach out. Start over, but take what you’ve learned and put it into play in the new relationship.”

  Cam didn’t want to leave Gus’s arms. But the music had ended and the other couples were heading back to their tables, so she reluctantly stepped out of his embrace. Inwardly, Cam wanted to move closer to Gus, to stay in the circle of his arms and be held by him. Seeing the smoldering look in his eyes as he watched her, Cam felt her mouth go dry. The expression on his face was clearly readable. He wanted her. In all ways.

  Swallowing hard, Cam whispered unsteadily, “The music’s stopped….”

  “The music we make here—” Gus released her and pressed his hand to his heart “—with one another, Cam, makes me happy. It’s ongoing….”

  With a jerky nod, Cam gazed up at him. How courageous Gus was compared to her. She felt like an emotional coward of the worst sort. “I—I wish I had that kind of courage, Gus,” she said, then turned and walked quickly back to the table. Suddenly she was more scared than she’d ever been. Even staring down a Black Shark combat helicopter paled in comparison. Cam wanted to run. Anywhere. Now.

  Chapter 11

  “Four weeks,” Wild Woman said to Cam as they walked across the revetment area after landing the Apaches. They’d been on a grueling, five-hour final test with the student pilots.

  “An unending nightmare,” Cam agreed as she walked with Jessica. Taking off her helmet, she ran her fingers through her damp, flattened hair. She cut a smile toward her friend, who was taking her own helmet off. “But it looks like we’ve made the grade with all of them.”

  Chuckling, Wild Woman nodded. “Yeah, Luis and Antonio took the challenge. I didn’t think they would, but those rich boys dug deep and bailed their collective butts out of the hole they’d dug for themselves.”

  “Yes,” Cam said, relieved, “they have.”

  “Did Antonio pass?”

  “Yeah, barely. I’m givin’ him a seventy-five percent, the lowest mark you can have and still pass,” she told her wryly. “He tried his best, though his nerves got to him. He’s flown better before, so I’m giving him a passing grade.”

  The sun was warm as they walked toward the barracks, across from the revetment area where the aircraft were parked. Cam sighed. The fresh, warm air felt good on her face.

  “How about Gus? I’m sure he passed?”

  “Yeah. I’m giving him a ninety percent.”

  “That dude is good. I’m glad we switched the students around every three days. I really looked forward to flying with him. He’s incredible. He’s got great flight hands.”

  Cam’s heart thumped in her chest. “Yes…yes, he does.” Ever since that night on the dance floor, she’d retreated from Gus—out of fear. And to his credit, he’d backed off, too. They kept everything strictly business between them now. Cam missed the warmth that she’d always seen in his eyes when they were alone together. Well, she had no one to blame but herself. She’d been in a constant state of grief since that night on the dance floor. Her fear overcame her desire to open up and get to know him better.

  Opening the door to the barracks, Wild Woman gestured for Cam to enter. “Well? What now? Are you going to call Morgan and tell him these three are ready for real-time drug interdiction?”

  Nodding, Cam led the way up the stairs to the second floor. “Yeah, I will.”

  “Where does that leave us? Do we get to go back to BJS?”

  Sadness moved through Cam as she unlocked the door to her office. “Yes. I’m gonna miss you and Snake. You’re the reason these guys are ready to do their job.” Pushing the door open, she walked in and hung her helmet on a peg. Divesting herself of her chicken plate—the mandatory bullet-proof protective jacket they always wore while flying—she hung it next to the helmet on a wall hook.

  “This has been a great diversion,” Jessica said, sitting down, her helmet in her lap. She smiled at Cam, who sat down behind her desk. “Snake and I sure are gonna miss those weekends over at Club Flamingo. We had fun dancing every night with those great Latino guys. You won’t find those kind of men down in Agua Caliente,” she said with a scowl.

  Chuckling, Cam shook her head. Agua Caliente was the closest town to the BJS base in Peru. It sat at the foot of Machu Picchu, one of the largest and most sacred temple sites of the whole Inca empire. “No, not there. But hey, you girls always found guys to dance with in Cuzco.” Of course, it was a forty-five minute helicopter ride from their base to the city, situated at eleven thousand feet in the heart of the Andes Mountains.

  “Yeah,” Jessica pouted, sliding down in the chair and spreading her booted feet out before her.

  Snake entered the room, her helmet beneath her left arm, her clipboard in her hand. “Hi, girls. Mind if I join this party?”

  Cam smiled. “Not at all,” she said, gesturing for Vickey to come in. “We got business to attend to, anyway.”

  Shutting the door, Snake took the second chair in front of Cam’s desk and sat down. She grinned at Wild Woman. “Well, did Antonio ante up?”

  Laughing, Wild Woman said, “Yeah, the dude passed. How about your boy?”

  Snake grinned and handed Cam her final report. “I’m passing Luis with a seventy-five percent. He froze in the clutch, but he’s flown better than that in earlier sessions. He’s got the heart, just not the nerves yet.”

  They all smiled at one another.

  Cam looked at the reports on the men’s flights. “Well,” she murmured, going through each page of the official flight forms, “looks like they’ve carried the load.”

  “Yeah,” Snake chuckled, setting her helmet down beside the chair. “I’ll give ’em that. They decided to stop sulking and pouting like a couple of schoolboys and took the bit in their teeth and ran with it.”

  “They didn’t have a choice,” Wild Woman snorted. “They feared being embarrassed and shamed before their fathers more than anything else. It was a good hammer to hold over their heads so they’d haul ass and produce like they were supposed to.”

  “They’ve come a long way in four weeks,” Cam agreed, dropping the reports back on the desk. She folded her hands over them and gave her cohorts a sad smile. “And I have you two to thank for that.”

  “Hold on,” Snake said, lifting her long, thin hand. “If it weren’t for the planning you did, they wouldn’t be anywhere. So give yourself credit in this dance, too, Cam.”

  “Oh, I do, but I’m the C.O., Snake. I’m expected to come up with bubble gum and wire to fix a problem.” She grinned, though her heart was heavy.

  Wild Woman looked over at Snake. “So, now that our boys have passed through the collective fires of female hell, you know where that leaves us, don’t you?”

  With a sigh, Snake sat back and ruffled her brown hair with her fingers. “Yeah, home to BJS. Damn, I’m gonna miss all our dancing, Cam. This has been a lot of fun. A great break.”

  “I know,” Cam whispered, blinking back tears. Opening her hands, she said, “I’m gonna miss you two.”

  “Yeah, you’re stuck here with the three of them,” Wild Woman said. “Gus is easy to be around, but I think you’re going to have to keep riding roughshod over Luis and Antonio. I’ll bet they try to slough off now, with us gone. They won’t have one of us always watching them in the cockpit.”

  “We’ll be going down to two Apaches,” Cam said. “I’ll be doing a lot of flying to make sure they stay in line.”

  Rubbing her hands, Wild Woman said, “Yeah, we get to fly this third bird all the way back to BJS. I’m lookin’ forward to it!”

&n
bsp; Snake gave her a dark look. “You would, you crazy woman. Who wants to sit with their butt in that cockpit for twenty-some hours?”

  Snickering, Jessica said, “Well, hey, it gives us a chance to practice our in-air refueling. We need to have that on our record every year. I’m lookin’ forward to seein’ that C-130 herky jerky coming out of the blue and trailin’ a fuel line from its wing. We’ll each get a chance to do it. I’m kinda excited.”

  “You get excited over the weirdest stuff,” Snake growled, rolling her eyes.

  Cam didn’t relish the idea of a long flight for her friends, either. Still, it meant that Maya would have one more Apache to add to her squadron, and that was good. Cam was sure Maya was looking forward to having her pilots back, too.

  “So, you gonna hand out the BJS2 squadron patches to them in a little while?” Wild Woman asked.

  “Yeah, I will. They’ve earned them.”

  “They’ve got to keep earning them,” Vickey said darkly. “I know Gus will. I’d love to have that guy with us down at BJS. He’s hell on wheels up in the air. He’s all combat mode. But Luis and Antonio? Nah.”

  “You’re prejudiced,” Cam teased her lightly. Her heart squeezed when Gus’s name was mentioned. How much she missed their private, searching conversations. “Well,” she sighed, opening a drawer and handing them two sets of orders, “here are your passports back to BJS. You’ll take off at 0500 tomorrow morning.”

  Grinning wickedly, Vickey looked at Wild Woman. “Great! Wanna kick up your frisky heels tonight, girlfriend? Club Flamingo? One last hot rumba? A tangle of tangos? You up for it?”

  Laughing, Wild Woman said, “In a heartbeat, Snake. Let’s go get outta these army duds and into some hot mama movin’ dresses with lotsa fringe on ’em!”

  “Have fun,” Cam told them as they stood.

  “Why don’t you come with us?” Snake invited as she opened the door.

  Shaking her head, Cam said, “No…I’d cry all the time because I’m going to miss you so much. I would just rain on your party.”

  Nodding, Jessica smiled. “Well, we’ll see you before we leave tomorrow morning?”

  “That’s a promise,” Cam said. She had duties to perform now.

  She saw Luis and Antonio standing tensely outside the door. Their faces belied their stress and worry as to whether or not they’d passed the final flight test. “Ask Mr. Dominguez to come in, will you, Snake?”

  “Sure,” she called, lifting her hand. “See you mañana….”

  Gus was the last man to be called into Cam’s office. Her heart picked up in beat as he quietly entered, still in his flight suit. How handsome he looked. Her gaze centered on his mouth. Gus had a beautifully formed mouth, and Cam had stopped counting the times she’d wondered what it would be like to kiss him and to feel those lips against her own. As he shut the door and turned around, Cam forced a smile she didn’t feel.

  “Congratulations, Gus, you’ve passed.” She stood up and held the BJS2 patch across the desk.

  Grinning, he took the patch, their fingertips briefly touching. In his heart, Gus felt an incredible sadness. Ever since the night he’d taken her out and spoken those words on the dance floor, Cam had retreated from him. He was so sorry those words had flown from his mouth.

  “Thanks, Cam,” he said.

  “You’re welcome. Sit down.” Her heart beat even harder as he slowly sat down in front of the desk. Just the way he reverently touched the patch made her yearn for him to touch her in the same way.

  Gus smiled gently. “Looks like I know what I’ll be doing tonight—sewing this on my flight suit.”

  Chuckling, Cam nodded.

  “Luis and Antonio looked relieved.”

  “Yeah, they passed. Barely. But they’ve got good training under them, so I feel confident in the next step—actual night interdiction.”

  Nodding, Gus looked down at the patch. Running his fingertips across it, he said, “So, where does this leave you? I know you were brought here to whip us into shape, to give us form and substance.” Grief ate at him. Looking up, he held her dark green gaze. Was Cam leaving, too? Gus had never heard her say one way or another. After his faux pas at the restaurant, he wondered obliquely if she had put in for a transfer, to get away from him as soon as he graduated from training.

  “Me?” Cam asked, surprised. She shut the desk drawer that held the flight tests. “I’m going to continue to command this little squadron of ours. Why?”

  Glancing up, she saw his cinnamon-colored eyes lighten with obvious joy, and the look caught her completely off guard. It was then that she realized Gus still liked her.

  The thought was euphoric. He was still going to be her X.O. She was still going to have to work with him, closely—on a daily basis now, but on an equal footing.

  “Oh…” Gus shrugged and gave her a boyish grin, “I just thought that…well, it doesn’t matter. That’s great news.”

  “Is it?”

  Feeling her gaze dig into him, Gus smiled boldly. “Yeah, I’m glad you’re staying.” Hooking his thumb across his shoulder toward the door, he said, “Now, I can’t speak for Luis and Antonio, but I’m glad you’re still running our ship, Captain.”

  Warmth sheeted through Cam and she felt suddenly vulnerable and nervous. “It’s been hard,” she muttered, avoiding his warm perusal by nervously moving a number of papers on her desk.

  “But worth it,” Gus insisted. Seeing her nervousness, he tightened his lips. “You’re a great leader and teacher, Cam. I hope you know that. Look how far I’ve come. I learned more from you and the other women in the past six weeks than I did at flight school. Your experience, your generosity and the way you taught us was a gift.”

  Cam’s fingers froze over the papers as Gus spoke in a low, emotional tone. Within her, she felt the armor plating around her heart give way beneath his fervent sincerity. How many men had the guts to come clean and be honest with her? Gus had shown, nonstop, that he was someone she could always rely on. He’d never lied to her, as men in her past had done. He’d always been straight with her, and he could admit he’d made a mistake.

  Chewing on her lower lip, Cam looked across the desk at him. His face was open and readable, as it always was when they were alone. The care radiating from his eyes was undeniable. “Thanks for your words, Gus. They mean a lot to me. And I’ll pass them on to Snake and Wild Woman, too.”

  Opening his hands, he took a huge risk. “Listen, Cam…” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I know you’ve been dancing on the edge of a sword around here since you arrived—learning how to be a C.O. and balancing it against army regs. And dealing with me as your X.O., I know, hasn’t been a lot of fun. It’s been trying on you.” Gus saw her eyes narrow as she sat there, weighing his words. “Well, what I mean is, maybe you want someone else as your executive officer now?”

  “What?” Stunned, Cam sat up, blinking.

  Gus shrugged. “I’m gonna come clean with you, Cam. That night at the restaurant, well, I crossed some lines with you that I shouldn’t have, militarily. But it happened. In my heart, I’m not sorry I said what I did, but I know it adversely affected you—and our relationship. I just want to give you the out to get another X.O., is all. I don’t like the tension that’s always hovered between us since then. It’s got to be a special hell on you because you see me so often, working together as we do.”

  Sitting back, Cam wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. He was giving her a sad look, one that nearly broke her heart. Gripping the arms of her chair, she closed her eyes for a moment, then stared at Gus, who sat forward in his chair, his hands—those wonderful hands that had held her so gently while they danced—resting on his long, hard thighs.

  “Gus, you have a way of forcing me to come clean, too,” Cam muttered with a frown. “The least I can do is be honest with you.” Looking up at the ceiling, she continued, “I’ve had three relationships with men. I have a flaw somewhere in me, and damned if I know why, but I draw the same kind of
guy every time. A guy who wants to manipulate me into bed, lie to me, and take what he wants and then just walk away as if he has no responsibility toward me.”

  Gus sat very still. His heart ached—for Cam. He saw the pain in her eyes as she admitted her past to him. “That must have been terrible for you, because you’re not that kind of person.” Right now, he wanted to beat the hell out of all of those men, for he could see the damage they’d done to Cam. And how it was keeping her from trusting him. Rage flickered in him. Life was so unfair.

  Taking a deep, ragged breath, Cam got up. She crossed her arms and began to pace behind her desk. The venetian blinds were open, allowing horizontal bars of light into the room. They reminded her of prison bars. Looking out at the revetment area, where a crew worked on the Apaches, she hung her head.

  “I’ve been running, Gus,” she admitted quietly. Turning, she looked over at him, tension swirling around the room. “Running from you, even though you aren’t like them. I’m scared.”

  Swallowing hard, Gus wanted to get up, walk over and take Cam into his arms. That’s what she needed, judging from the stricken look on her face. His heart, however, cautioned him. She would rebuff him, he knew. “I understand now,” he told her. “And, for what it’s worth, Cam—” he opened his hands in supplication “—I’m sorry. As a man, I’ll apologize for their selfish behavior toward you. You didn’t deserve to have that happen to you. You’re a good, kind person who’s honest and likes to treat the world that way.” He gave her a twisted smile. “But not everyone in life is going to play by your rules, with your idealism.”