Nobody Said It’d be Easy

by Patty Blount

  Fifteen more years.

  He could hold out that long. He’d made it almost three years, hadn’t he? He waited for the pain, braced for it, as he’d learned to do. But it was different now. Less sharp, with all the jagged edges a bit dull. But when he allowed himself to look inside, it wasn’t only Janey he saw. Even though she was gone, he loved her and always would. He loved what they’d made together…their daughters and their life.

  But things had changed.

  He loved Lia, too. He loved her with a bone-deep intensity that filled him with the kind of hope that he’d been sure had died with Janey. Hope for the future they’d build, hope for the dreams they’d make, the girls they’d raise.

  Janey’s death left him wounded and bleeding. Lia healed him, showed him what still could be.

  Though she was gone, too—it wasn’t because of death. It was because of fear. He wished he could tell her everything would be fine, but he’d be lying. Life, as miraculous as it could be, often sucked. It kicked you around, slit you open, and laughed at you while you tried to regain your balance. You had two choices, to his mind. You either checked out, like he’d done after Janey died, or you moved forward.

  He was moving forward this time.

  He was doing his best to get through one day at a time. He got up every morning, fixed hair into braids and ponytails without tangles, now that Lia had taught him that trick with the special brush and spray conditioner. He made breakfast, took kids to school, answered tenants’ calls, washed clothes and dishes, put away toys, played with Emmy, got kids from school, supervised homework, made dinner, collapsed into restless sleep and did it all over again the next day. He checked out some pre-schools with Emmy, took Maddie to the acting class Lia had given her for Christmas. If he occasionally barked at the girls, they didn’t talk back. They just gave him a sad little look and backed off.

  He suspected they’d had a family meeting or two without him.

  The only thing he hadn’t gone back to was work. He’d told Jim that he could consult from time to time, but even part-time, getting to and from the city with four other schedules to manage was just asking for trouble.

  No shame in admitting that he wasn’t Superman.

  He almost laughed. That’s what Lia and her friend Roseann called him. The Super Man. Yeah, well, strong he might be and fast, too. But not indestructible.

  When he quietly stepped back inside where it was warm, he found Kimberly on the couch.

  “Cocoa-Pop. You okay?”

  She shrugged. “I heard you go out. I got scared.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was taking care of the snow.”

  She shrugged again. “It’s okay.”

  Uh-oh. He knew that tone. “It’s not okay. Don’t say it is when it’s not.”

  Her eyes snapped to his. “What about you, Daddy? You always say you’re okay when we all know you miss Lia.”

  “I’m—” He bit his lip. He was about to say he was fine, but that would have made her point. He nodded and shoved his frozen hands into his pockets. “Okay, fine. When did you get this smart?”

  “Liv’s not the only smart one in the family, you know.”

  He lifted his hands. “Sorry.”

  “Daddy, we have to call her. We have to give her another chance. You’re so sad and it makes us sad. Even Emmy.”

  “No, sweetheart. We just need more time to get over it.” He walked down the hall to the bathroom because he was done with this conversation. You can’t change a mind that was made up. That’s why he asked Lia to leave. He could give her all the time in the world, but it wouldn’t change how she felt. Nothing would.

  She loved him. He was sure of that. And she loved the girls. But her fear eclipsed her love and that’s the part he was doing his best to get past. Didn’t she get how huge, how colossal his fears were? He’d scaled some huge structures during his career—bridges, skyscrapers, and a monument or two—but this? It was a long way down but he’d risked the fall because Mike was right. The risk was the reward. Lia was the reward. He could see it, he could see the life they could have built together and—aw, hell.

  Move on.

  They’d spent the day watching movies in his living room bed. One movie stretched into two. Gabe dozed from time to time while the girls watched, chatted, played, and giggled. When he woke, he could tell by the way all four of them were staring at him that he’d apparently suffered another makeover and hoped he wasn’t wearing blue sparkly eye shadow.

  Pink fingernails, okay. But he drew the line at blue sparkly eye shadow.

  He staggered to the bathroom and grinned. They’d clipped his hair into something that looked like a Mohawk. Maybe he’d let it grow even longer so they could braid his hair. He kept the clips and headed to the kitchen, browned the meat for the stew, added some stock, and set it to simmer. He looked around when he heard a buzz.

  “You found my cell? Who is it?”

  Kimberly held his phone, thumbs blurring over the screen. “Uh, it’s Uncle Mike. I’m telling him about our movie.” Kim glanced at Maddie, who immediately leaped for the shelf where he stored the board games.

  “Daddy, can we play a game?” Maddie asked, holding The Game of Life in her hands.

  God, he hated this game. “Sure can, Ducky. Are you sure this is the one you want to play? I’d like to play Clue myself.”

  “Okay! Let’s play Clue. I want to be the red lady. Can I be red, Daddy? Can I please? Please?”

  He laughed. It was so good to have her back to her normal self.

  “You called it first, so yes. You get to be Miss Scarlet. But later, okay? Let’s watch our movie.”

  “Okay. But I want to snuggle with you now.”

  Smiling, he stretched out on the bed and made room for her to curl against his side. There was a little skirmish when Emmy stuck out her lip and said, “My dad-dee.” Luckily, he was able to get them to reach a peace accord without involving the UN.

  “Your hair looks pretty, Daddy.”

  “I like it.”

  “You do?”

  “Sure. Hey, Kimmy, where did you put my phone?”

  Kimberly got up, ran down the hall. “Bathroom. Be right back.”

  “Can we do my hair next? I want it up with my tiara. Where is my tiara?” And then Maddie let out a typical Maddie-like gasp. “I know! We can play dress-up, Daddy. I want to wear Kimby’s birthday dress. Can I? I can, right? Right?”

  Gabe glanced at the clock on the cable box. How could it only be two o’clock? He flung an arm around her, held her in place. “Snuggles first. Then movie. Then, maybe later, dress-up, as long as your sister doesn’t mind.”

  She clutched him tight for about half a second, then took off down the hall to find Kimberly, which meant Emmy needed to follow.

  “Quick, Liv! Come here. Seize the moment.” He snagged her ankle, dragged her toward him for a hug, making her giggle.

  The second movie ended near three o’clock. Gabe checked the stew, told the girls they could squeeze in a game before dinner. But one game became two and Gabe figured, it was stew. You can’t really overcook it.

  “Daddy, can we make a snowman?” Maddie asked after Kimberly guessed Mr. Plum in the library with the knife.

  He considered it and decided they’d been holed up all day, so why not? He turned off the stew. “Okay.”

  “Yay!”

  Maddie ran down the hall for her boots. He followed, managed to get Emmy zippered into her snowsuit, then dragged on his own snow gear.

  “I found a scarf, Daddy!” Olivia said.

  “And a hat.” Kimberly held one up.

  Outside, in the center of the courtyard, he directed the girls on how to collect snow and pack it into a large ball. Maddie ran around, looking for appropriate stick arms. The Vellas heard them playing and came out to join them, little Mason encased in a snowsuit just like Emmy. Mrs. Morgan watched from her window, opening it just long enough to hold out a carrot for the snowman’s nose.

  Th
e bottom ball took a while until the kids figured out how to work together. They got the middle and top balls in place and Maddie had just stuck in the arms when Emmy let out a shriek.

  “Leeee-uh!”

  Gabe whipped around, not enjoying the sensation of his heart jumping for joy at the same time his stomach fell. Ah, hell. His eyes skimmed her from head to toe, took in the black coat she’d let Kimberly wear for that magical birthday dinner Lia’d helped him arrange. Her hair was down and she wore a bright white hat over it that reminded him of that quiet, clean snow he’d shoveled in the middle of the night. She looked beautiful and sad and excited all at the same time. She stood at the top of the courtyard stairs in a shaft of light from the Vellas’ window and he knew he’d never get over her, not if he lived a thousand years.

  Emmy took off running for her and Lia scooped her up into her arms. “Hi, Emmy.”

  Maddie was next.

  “Lia! Lia! You’re back! I’m so happy! Are you happy, too? Are you?”

  “Maddie! Oh, Maddie, how are you feeling, sweetheart? Are you all better?”

  “I’m all better. Wanna see my scars?” She began undressing right there in the courtyard.

  Gabe was still gaping.

  The Vellas exchanged a glance. “Who’d like some hot chocolate?”

  “I would,” Kimberly said. “Daddy?”

  He couldn’t tear his eyes off Lia, but managed a nod.

  “Me, too!” Emmy wriggled to get free and took off after her sisters through the Vellas’ kitchen door.

  Gabe glanced at Mrs. Morgan’s window. She’d pulled the shade down.

  It was just Lia and him in the snow-covered courtyard.

  “What are you doing here, Lia?” he asked.

  Her smile faded. “I got your…” She broke off with a gasp that she covered with both gloved hands.

  “Lia?”

  “I…oh, God, Gabriel. I think I…”

  He’d never seen her so…so at a loss for words. She shook her head a few times and then seemed to make a decision. She stood straight, met his gaze and nodded. “I have something I need to fix,” she finally said.

  He shook his head. “Not sure this can be fixed.”

  She took a step closer. “It can.”

  She said it with such confidence, his eyebrows climbed. Where the hell was that conviction when he’d proposed? Annoyed, he clapped the snow from his hands and then waved toward his front door.

  “May as well come inside since it’s obvious this is gonna take a while.”

  He opened the door, wiped his feet, stepped aside for her to enter. He didn’t invite her to sit. He didn’t offer her anything to drink. He just sat on the sofa, still wearing his outdoor gear and waited for her to get to the damn point.

  She stood just inside his door, glaring at him. God, she was gorgeous. Why had he made her leave?

  “Gabriel, you and I went from barely tolerating each other to in love without any of the steps in between. We haven’t even been out on a date!”

  He sucked in a breath. She’d said no because he hadn’t taken her out to eat? He’d tried once and look how well that turned out.

  “I had no intentions of getting married again. And you had no intentions of that, either. Janey was your whole world.”

  Okay, so maybe she had a small point there. Crossing his arms, he let his head fall back against the couch cushion. “I’ve got four kids next door so would you mind getting to the point?”

  Temper sparked in her eyes and she whipped the hat off her head, sending crackles of static through her auburn hair. “Oh, you want the point? Fine. Here’s the point. I’m not your first anything—not your first date, your first kiss, your first love, or the mother of your children. I have nothing to offer you except the things that make me who I am, things that—in case you’ve forgotten—bothered you just a few short months ago. You said I butted in, passed judgment, and interfered when all I was trying to do was help. Then, you have one conversation with your best friend and suddenly, we’re sleeping together. And then, suddenly you say you’re in love with me and want us to get married and become a family and live this life with all these dreams because life is short and then you get pissed off because I don’t fall into your arms in a swoon!”

  He could only gape at her while she paced back and forth in front of him, punctuating various statements with a finger stabbed in his direction.

  “Gabriel, you’re a marvel of management, juggling the kids and this building and your job, but you keep rushing your way through life. You rush through the work on your to-do lists, you rush the girls through their day, you rush me through sex—”

  “I didn’t hear you complain,” he shot back.

  She whirled on him. “I’m not complaining, you ass! I love sex with you but God, I really love it when it takes all night and we’ve done that exactly once!” She raised clenched hands, shook them. “You just don’t get it. I’ve been a few steps behind you since we met and then you streak past me to some finish line that exists only in your head while I’m struggling to catch my breath just to keep up with you. I love you and I love your girls, but you never once asked me what I wanted in life until the day you proposed—in a bathroom, for God’s sake—while I was reeling from my ex-husband’s latest betrayal! And when I asked you for time, time to make sure I’m not making another colossal mistake, you say sure, no problem and then ignore me for the better part of two weeks!”

  He opened his mouth, but she kept right on going, which was fine by him because he hadn’t really heard a word since she’d said I love you.

  Present tense.

  “And then, just when I think I’ve got things all figured out, your daughter gets so sick, I have to rush her to the hospital with no power of attorney, no legal means to make a single decision about her care! I spent all night in that hospital reassuring three other children, made sure they were fed and watered and safe, and just when I was ready to say yes—I mean, literally at the exact moment when I was positive that loving you, loving all of you can’t possibly be a mistake, you kicked me out!”

  “Lia, I’m—”

  “You didn’t even bother to tell me if she was okay.” At that, her voice cracked and all that impressive fury dissolved. Gabe’s stomach twisted. She was right. He hadn’t.

  Battling tears, she struggled to hold on. “You asked me to adopt those girls and suddenly, I’m forced to send text messages to your best friend just to find out if Maddie was even alive! God, Gabriel. God. I only came here tonight because of your text messages but if I’d known—”

  “Wait, wait, wait. My what?”

  She held out her phone. Messages from him lit up the screen. I miss you. The girls miss you. I love you. Come back.

  Kimberly.

  “It didn’t occur to me that one of the girls got hold of your cell phone until I came all the way here. When you saw me, it wasn’t hope I saw on your face. I thought…well. I guess it doesn’t matter.”

  “What?” It did matter, damn it. “What did you think?”

  She shook her head. “Gabriel, when I saw these texts, I had such hope we could give this another chance, that you wanted me back, but…I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Lia stalked to his door.

  His head spun and it wasn’t until Lia opened his door that he figured out what to say. “You’re not wrong. Not one bit. Close that door and come back. Please.”

  She didn’t close the door. But she didn’t walk through it either. So he walked toward her, put a hand on the door, and shut it.

  “Amelia. It’s not about all the firsts. I’ll love Janey until my last heartbeat, but she’s gone. Now it’s about moving forward. You taught me that. For the past two years, I was sure that was impossible and then I met you and everything, every single thing in my life changed. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Wanting you. And feeling guilty for holding two women inside my heart.”

  Her eyes slipped shut when he admitted that.

  “No, no, no. Don’t do tha
t, baby, please don’t do that.” He cupped her face in his hands, waited until she looked at him to say what he knew. “I was a kid when I loved Janey. It was real and it was everything and it gave me four incredible kids. I’m not a kid now, Lia. I know what it means to be in love. It’s not all heart flutters and skin tingles. Those things are nice but that’s just biology. Love is work, Lia. It’s stomach viruses and midnight hospital runs. It’s first periods and science projects. It’s bills and jobs and juggling schedules and in the middle of all that, it’s choosing you to be my partner through it all. I may have fallen in love with you by chance but I swear to God, Lia, I’m staying in love with you by choice so don’t you ever feel sad you’re not my first.”

  She stared at him, eyes damp, but shook her head. “But…but you said you feel guilty.”

  Gabe sighed. “I did. It took me a while to get over that, Lia. Mike got me to see the truth. He got me to see that I’m allowed to feel things like hope and happiness again and I did, Lia, I swear to you I did. I do.” He put his arms around her the way he’d wanted to do since she appeared on the courtyard steps.

  “I really love Mike,” she said against his chest and his heart took off at a gallop because he knew exactly what she meant.

  “Lia, I did bulldoze over you, I did rush you, and I did skip a bunch of steps in the ritual but not because I was trying to hurt you and not because they don’t matter. I just wanted us, Lia. I wanted to be an us. I was excited again. I was looking ahead and yeah, I have a problem with patience—”

  “You think?”

  The laugh exploded out of him at her indignant tone. He couldn’t help himself. He kissed her nose. A few seconds later, she laughed, too. She tugged off his hat and that’s when her own laughter bubbled up and out.

  “Nice hair.”

  “Yeah, well it’s my own fault. I fell asleep. That’s risky here.” He kissed her once, tender and slow, and it went on for a long, long time. “Lia?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I love you. I’m done feeling guilty about it.”

  She giggled. “Oh, the words every girl longs to hear.”

  He tickled her ribs. She squealed and squirmed and it was another very long time before she spoke again. “I love you, too.”