by Amanda Perry
When he steps up onto the stairs, I know he’s taking me to his room, which is exactly where I want to be. Safe and sound in his room with him. Moments later, he lays me down on the bed where I curl into a ball while he climbs on next to me. He uses one arm to hold me close and the other to stroke my hair while he whispers apologies.
“Can you open your eyes for me?” he asks after my stiff body finally relaxes slightly and the shakes aren’t as violent.
I pry my eyes open slowly and notice they’re wet. I didn’t realize I’d been crying, but now that I’m aware of the tears, I can’t seem to stop them.
“I hate seeing you cry.” Caleb pulls me close to his chest. “Especially when I’m the cause.”
Words elude me, but I wish I could tell him he’s not to blame. He may think he caused me to spiral into a panic, but he’s wrong. Caleb stopped his tactics when he knew I couldn’t handle it. Jaxon didn’t, and I don’t understand why. Maybe he never forgave me for what happened in Sacramento, or maybe he blames me for the upcoming fight. Could he be angry because he got hurt during our visit with the gods and goddesses?
“You scared the crap out of me when you stopped breathing,” Caleb says after a few moments of silence. “I’m so sorry, Riley.”
I don’t reply because I have nothing to say at the moment. Instead, I curl up closer to him, focus on trying to take even breaths, and attempt to stop the silent tears from flowing.
Just as I gain some control, the bedroom door creaks open. We both turn our heads toward the intruder. Caleb folds his arms around me, shielding me from whoever it is.
“Well, if this is how we practice self-defense, where do I sign up?” Cassie asks playfully.
Caleb releases his protective grip on me and mumbles something about going to the hardware store for seven different door locks. I can’t help but snort at his obsession with getting a lock for the bedroom door. Will he ever really do it?
Chapter 15
“Why are you two playing in here instead of training?” Cassie asks. I can only see her feet under Caleb’s arm, and I watch as she bounces on her heels. She can never sit still. “While Leanne and I loaded the groceries into the car, I felt Jaxon’s attitude problem. Is it because you guys are playing hooky?”
Caleb growls, “No, it’s because he’s an asshole, and he scared Riley.”
Cassie stops bouncing on her heels. She stands stone-still for a long moment, something I’ve never seen her do before. “What do you mean?”
While Caleb explains everything that transpired while she and Leanne were gone, I wiggle loose from his embrace so I can see her. The more Caleb talks, the redder Cassie’s face becomes. When Caleb tells her I blacked out for a minute, I worry she might literally explode. If steam could come out of a person’s ears, I have no doubt Cassie would resemble a train. Without a word, Cassie spins around and storms out of the room.
“Jaxon Micheal!” Cassie bounds down the stairs.
Caleb and I exchange a worried glance before following her down. I think both of us worry she might actually hurt Jaxon this time. I’ve never seen her so mad. Usually, when she’s upset, she gets loud and doesn’t stay in one place for more than a second. Now, she’s quiet, calm, and controlled. She’s like the world before an epic natural disaster.
I expected her to bring the whole place down with her screams, and the fact she didn’t concerns me. Her normal tone can be heard at the top of the stairs from the kitchen. We nearly reach the kitchen before we manage to hear her, this time.
“—the ever-loving-fuck is wrong with you?” Cassie grits out.
Caleb and I stop short of entering the kitchen, unsure if we should intervene or stay far away. Leanne strolls down the hall but stops when she sees us hiding around the corner. She throws a concerned glance toward the kitchen but doesn’t move.
“Sweetheart…” Jaxon coaxes like he’s trying to tame a wild animal.
Leanne leans in and whispers to us, “I’m not sure what’s happening, I’m going to shut off the water, so my kitchen doesn’t end up with water damage. At this point, I’m not sure it will help Jaxon. Cassie’s quiet which can’t be a good thing. She could probably pull water from the whole world and drown him right now. I don’t think I want to be here when things go south.” She slowly backs away toward the garage door. “Call if you need me.”
When Leanne disappears into the garage to shut the water off, we lean around the corner, barely able to see Cassie in Jaxon’s face. At least, as much as she can since he’s half a foot taller than her. We manage to stay mostly hidden from them, enabling us to watch the impending geyser eruption.
“No. You listen, you stupid jackass.” Cassie pokes her pointer finger into the middle of his chest with each word. We inch forward slightly but remain unseen. From our angle, we can easily see them facing off, but unless they search for us, they won’t notice we’re eavesdropping. “You had no right to try to break Riley like that.”
Jaxon frowns deeply and cocks his head in confusion. “Wait, what?”
“You’re such an insensitive prick sometimes,” Cassie huffs, shaking her head.
The room starts to shake like an earthquake. Jaxon obviously doesn’t appreciate her ire. Caleb takes a tentative step forward, ready to break them up if need be.
“What the fuck does sensitivity have to do with it?” Jaxon clenches and unclenches his fists. The gesture has my stomach dropping to my feet, worry for Cassie engulfing me. “She needs to defend herself, Cassie. She freezes.” He lifts his hands in a flash and I flinch, hard. Instead of hitting her as I feared, though, he simply pushes his fingers roughly through his hair and tugs on the ends in frustration.
I step slightly behind Caleb at the same time Caleb takes a small step to cover me. “It’s like she doesn’t care what happens to her. She needs to fight back. She can’t show fear like she did earlier, like she always does.”
“Do you have any clue what true hell she’s been through in her life?” Cassie doesn’t actually wait for an answer, though. Instead, she makes a slashing motion with her hand and continues, “No, you sure as shit do not. None of us do. We only know bits and pieces, and even those are horrendous, things no person should ever have to go through in their lifetime.”
“What does that have to do with teaching her how to get out of a bad situation and defend herself if someone tries to hurt her?” Jaxon scrubs his hands over his face. His frustration with Cassie grows. “If anything, it’s even more of a reason to push her.”
“You could have done some serious mental and physical damage to her with your stupidity. Did you even stop to think for one second that your training could hurt your little sister? Leave her more broken than she was when she got here? Did you?” Cassie sounds less angry and more like she’s about to cry.
I’m not sure which is worse calm and angry Cassie or emotional Cassie. She hangs her head and takes a deep breath, her voice barely above a whisper, “I love you, Jaxon, but I love her, too. I can’t let you hurt her like that and do nothing.”
The room turns deadly silent for a full minute. The only noise comes from Cassie’s heavy breathing. She wraps her arms around her middle like she needs a hug but refuses to accept one from Jaxon. He reaches a hand out to her in comfort, but her whole body stiffens. He drops his hand back to his side. Jaxon’s eyes bounce around the room as if searching for a solution. His gaze locks on us, his brow raising in surprise to find us snooping. My heart thumps heavily in my chest, awaiting his next move.
“Riley.” He takes a step toward me.
Instinctively, I cower behind Caleb. It isn’t intentional, but after what happened earlier, I’m still shaken.
Caleb tenses and steps in front of me, preventing Jaxon from seeing anything but my head as I lean to the side. Hurt flashes in Jaxon’s eyes, but he takes a step back.
“Fuck.” He locks his hands behind his neck and drops his head back, his gaze on the ceiling. “Riley, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear. But the gods a
nd goddesses told us you need to be ready. After what happened in Sacramento, how scared you got from a simple disagreement, I just… I’m scared to death we could lose you. I can’t lose you. This family can’t lose you. We weren’t whole until you showed up—you make us complete. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I didn’t do everything in my power to help you defend yourself and get you ready like we were told to.” He drops his hands from their interlocked position behind his head and holds one out to me in a pleading gesture.
I slowly shuffle out from behind Caleb. He shakes his head slightly, but after putting a reassuring hand on his bicep, he relents and allows me to continue toward Jaxon. I slowly take my brother’s hand and feel Caleb come up behind me and place his own hands on my hips. I don’t think he’ll want me away from him or alone with Jaxon for a while. I can’t say I blame him, I don’t know if I can handle either of those things myself.
“I’m sorry about the way I tried to handle things. Cassie’s right, we don’t know your whole past. I should have thought of that.” He pauses and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “Damnit, Riley, I’m scared. I’m fucking terrified. We don’t know what to expect from this so-called war that’s coming,” He seems at a loss for a moment before he finally shrugs. “I just don’t want anything to happen to my family. You’re my little sister, and I should have been protecting you since the day you were born. I didn’t get that chance, but I wanted to make up for it by keeping you safe now. I love you too much to lose you.”
Caleb pulls me to his chest and puts his arms around me protectively as Jaxon’s hand drops from mine. “I won’t allow you to scare her into learning how to fight, Jaxon,” Caleb warns quietly but firmly. “You won’t do that to her again, none of us will. We can find another way to teach her. But using fear will not be it, understood?”
Jaxon simply nods his head in agreement. Caleb’s body relaxes against mine, then he kisses the top of my head and hugs me a bit tighter. Cassie’s shoulders sag slightly in relief as she jumps up onto a bar stool.
“He means all that sappy crap,” Cassie assures me. “He’s still an insensitive ass, but he does mean that.” She holds her arms out to Jaxon, who doesn’t hesitate to scoop her into a hug. “And you’re my insensitive ass.” She giggles.
“Well, it sounds like you all had a fun-filled day.” Dad’s playful voice causes us all to spin around toward the entryway. Leanne stands with her back resting against Dad’s front and his arms around her waist.
“When’d you get home?” Jaxon blanches.
“Relax, Jaxon.” Leanne chuckles. “We heard the whole thing, and you all seem to have worked it out for yourselves. He won’t ground you from Cassie this time.”
Cassie giggles at Jaxon’s wide-eyed expression. “You wouldn’t have,” he sputters.
“I would have done worse than that,” Dad retorts seriously, but I can see the humor behind his eyes.
“Damn, you guys are vicious.” Jaxon shakes his head, then takes a few steps in my direction.
Caleb pulls me back several steps, protectively wrapping his arms around me. I reach up and squeeze his forearm, trying to reassure him. He glances down at me, then back at Jaxon, before nodding slightly and stepping back.
“Sis.” Jaxon comes closer. “Do you hate me now?”
“I could n-n-never hate you, Jaxon,” I whisper back. “You just s-s-scared me, it brought back m-m-memories. I wasn’t here with you guys in the moment, I was back there with th-th-them. I don’t want to associate you with th-th-them, with h-h-him.”
I step forward slowly and put my arms around his waist, and he hugs me back automatically. “I love you, too, big brother,” I whisper to him. He squeezes me a little tighter, before letting go.
“Are we okay?” he asks, still unsure.
I give him a small smile and nod. He grins back brightly, hugs me once more, then goes to sit next to Cassie. They start up a whispered conversation, which I assume is him begging for her forgiveness. I make a mental note to thank her for standing up for me yet again. I worry a bit it may cause an issue between the two of them and wonder if I should bring it up to her.
“Want to help me with dinner, honey?” Leanne asks me as she goes about pulling ingredients for tacos from the fridge.
“Yeah.” I grin, happy for a distraction. Something as normal as cooking is exactly what I need.
As I help Leanne with dinner, I overhear Caleb and Jaxon chatting in the dining nook.
“We good, man?” Jaxon asks Caleb quietly.
“As long as you don’t pull that shit again, yeah.” I glance over my shoulder and watch Caleb hold his fist out for Jaxon to bump with his own.
I smile to myself at their quick exchange, knowing that everything is okay, for now.
Chapter 16
Over the next several weeks, everyone tries in their own ways to teach me how to fight. I manage to figure out some martial arts techniques thanks to Dad and Jaxon, who are both black belts in Taekwondo. Caleb is also a black belt, but he refuses to teach me to fight again. Instead, he simply observes and steps in when he thinks anyone is pushing me too hard. Leanne and Cassie teach me different ways to break away from someone trying to grab or pin me. Cassie tries repeatedly to explain hurting the bad guy is half the fun, and I should embrace it.
Even Caleb becomes exasperated with my inability to do anything right. He hasn’t said anything, but he’s distanced himself from me. He hasn’t even said he loves me since we got back from our Sacramento trip. I’m not sure what to make of it, because he hasn’t said anything and I’m too scared to ask. It’s highly likely I’m reading into things and making mountains out of molehills, but my biggest fear is he’s lost interest in me and he’s ready to get rid of me. Rather than dwell on every move he makes, I do my best to push the terrifying idea from my mind and go on about my days.
Today is Cassie’s turn to work with me again, and she’s determined to teach me a unique technique. She hopes the more action movies I watch, the more comfortable with fighting I’ll be. Over the past couple of weeks, it hasn’t worked at all, and I’m usually dragged away by someone else to try more hands-on training—and this time is no exception. The second the movie we’re watching ends, Jaxon has me outside again.
“Let’s try this one more time,” Jaxon repeats for the millionth time. I don’t for one second believe it’s the last time. There have been way too many last times lately.
“Okay.” I sigh, taking a defensive stance once again.
Jaxon instructs me to do a number of moves that should help me defend myself, which I do easily. Once I’ve gone over them again, he steps in front of me and acts like he’s going to come at me. He does so slowly, knowing this will end badly for the both of us if he goes too fast.
My brain tells me to use what I’ve practiced for weeks now—to block him and get the upper hand. My body and instincts, however, do the opposite. I put both arms in front of my face to protect myself and cower—the exact opposite of what I told myself to do. I can’t seem to rewire my body to do what I tell it to when I’m threatened, and it doesn’t help that the thought of hurting any of them makes me feel sick.
“Damn it.” Jaxon steps back and runs his hands through his hair in exasperation. “We need to try this a different way. There has to be something that’ll work. You do great with the moves when you’re not using them on someone else.”
I know everyone is frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with myself. I wish I knew what I could do to change my way of thinking, but so far, nothing has done the trick.
“Okay, let’s try something different.” Cassie skips into the backyard. “Pretend some chick is trying to take Caleb from you. Like that vapid bitch from the front desk at the council’s office.”
The guys and I stare at each other awkwardly and exchange shrugs.
“Cassie.” Jaxon grins. “How is that going to help Riley learn to fight?”
“Well, I don’t see your method helping her learn, so shush and t
ry my idea.” Cassie smiles. “Jaxon, you be the girl trying to take Caleb.”
My mouth drops open at Cassie’s idiotic idea. Jaxon is laughing too hard to form a response, and Caleb rolls his eyes and mutters curses under his breath.
“Go for it, Jaxon,” Cassie instructs.
Jaxon coughs and regains his composure. “I’m not going to do that. Not a fucking chance.”
I know Cassie is only trying to help, but with her half-baked idea, it’s clear everyone else has exhausted every method they can think of. Fed up with my inability to force myself to do what I need to, I turn away and walk into the house. This isn’t going to work, and I’m not going to stand around and frustrate everyone else further.
“Riley,” Caleb calls.
“Down, boy, or I’ll hose you off,” Cassie warns him. “Stay here, I’ll go talk to her.” Cassie runs in behind me. “Hey. Come on, Ri, don’t be mad at me. I was just trying to help.”
“I’m not mad, Cassie.” I curl up on the couch. “I just can’t do it. I can’t hurt someone. I can’t become him.”
“Him?” Cassie cocks her head to the side in confusion for a moment before understanding dawns. “Oh, Riley. You could never ever become that piece of shit. It isn’t like you’re going around hurting people for fun like a sadistic fuckwad. You’re just learning how to keep yourself safe. Don’t you see the difference?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Hitting is hitting to me. Hurting is hurting. It’s always done in a hateful way, and it brings the person joy to hurt someone. I know not everyone is like that. Logically, I do know that, but in the moment, I just can’t get past it.”
Cassie sits in silence for a moment, letting my words sink in. She sighs and sinks back into the couch. “I’m at a loss, Ri, but I won’t stop trying to help you. I’ll start by making you lunch.”
I chuckle as she skips to the kitchen and goes about fixing lunch for all of us. While Cassie occupies herself, I lie back on the couch to try to think through things. How am I going to overcome my instincts? They’re so deeply embedded in me I’m not sure they can be changed. Isn’t it why they call them instincts? It isn’t something I think about. It’s just there—a reaction.
