by Daria Defore
Jiyoon's face had drained of all emotion, and he stared very hard past Danny. "I see," he finally said. The words were slightly strangled. "I did not put that away."
"Cool. That's fine." Danny set his glass down on the counter. "I'll just—I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
"Yes! Please do."
Danny ran some cold water to splash on his face and waited a couple minutes. When he came out again, Jiyoon was sitting at the table by the window, and the vibrator was conspicuously out of sight. Danny sighed and filled his glass.
"So, uh, are you thirsty?" Danny asked, and Jiyoon spun around in his chair to glare at him. "I mean, did you want some water?"
"I'm fine, Danny." Jiyoon massaged his temples with both hands. "I just want to do my work."
"Right. Me, too." Danny grabbed his bag and started digging papers out. "Do you mind if I do it with you? I mean, can I—on the table. Do homework."
"You can do it anywhere you like as long as you shut up." Jiyoon clicked his pen and set to work. Danny followed his lead, but with a pencil and less actual work, more blank staring.
After a few minutes of silence, Jiyoon sighed and got up to pour himself a glass of water, then came over and laid a hand on Danny's shoulder. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"It's okay. I'm sorry I'm a fucking idiot."
"Can't have talent and brains." Jiyoon flicked him in the temple and sat back down. There was a smile on his face. "Did you want to put some music on?"
Halfway through the sentence, Danny already had his phone out. "What genre?"
"Oh God, I have to choose?"
"Just name one."
"Opera."
Danny stared him down flatly. "You think I don't have opera on here?"
"Show me, then."
"All right, prepare to have your ears blown."
They made it through maybe half a song before Jiyoon conceded that yes, Danny did have a Spotify playlist just for opera and no, he didn't need to hear any more to believe it.
"I would rather listen to a nail being driven through my skull."
"Black metal, then."
"For the love of God, Danny, play something at least slightly mainstream." Jiyoon was relaxing back in his chair and smiling in that gently exasperated way that made Danny intensely aware of the shape of his mouth and the tiny mole on the edge of his top lip.
They settled in with some of Danny's more poppy alt rock and worked until Jiyoon stretched his arms above his head and announced that he was going to make dinner.
Danny shoved his workbook away and rubbed the heel of his hand into his forehead. He was starting to get a headache from looking at all these numbers, and this was all shit he had to know for the midterm. He turned off the music and draped himself over the table until the silence built up under his skin. "Hey, can I play something?"
"Like what?"
"I dunno. I just need to do something—anything not this."
"Of course." Jiyoon crossed his arms and leaned against the counter while Danny unzipped his acoustic guitar and set it in his lap, picking and tuning it. After a minute, he started strumming one of his songs, then stopped to tune again. Jiyoon hummed and turned away.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Danny started playing again and singing quietly while Jiyoon filled the apartment with the smell of sizzling hamburgers and caramelizing onions. He came over to crack a window, then sat down across from Danny again and leaned his elbows on the table, watching.
"You know what they say about boys with guitars?"
"Good stuff, I bet." Danny grinned. Jiyoon smiled lazily and shook his head.
"No good. Pop culture would have me believe they're all terrible troublemakers."
"To be fair, it's right there in the band name." Danny fingered his way down the neck of the guitar, keenly aware of the way Jiyoon's eyes followed the move. When Danny returned to the melody, Jiyoon shook himself out and went back to the stove. He fussed around until he was finished plating the food, and Danny actually put the guitar away without being told, in favor of stuffing his face.
"How'd you get so good at this?" He groaned, picking up an onion with his fingers and devouring it without any concern for his self-image. It was perfectly cooked, and Danny felt like he could eat his serving and Jiyoon's, too.
Jiyoon laughed. "I used to cook a bit for my family. My parents work a lot."
"Oh yeah? What do they do?"
"Ah, my mother works in a hotel and my father is a maintenance technician."
"You don't come from a long line of accountants, then?"
"I'm afraid not." Jiyoon gave him a wry smile. "I'm actually going to be the first person in my family to graduate college. In America, at least, as far as I know."
"That's really cool."
"Is it?" Jiyoon raised his eyebrows at his plate, as if expecting it to join in the conversation.
"Yeah. It's cool." Danny leaned forward and waited for Jiyoon to make eye contact. When he finally did, Jiyoon smiled, and the walls came down again. "I think it's cool."
"Thank you." Jiyoon shook his head and took a long drink of water. "My little sister starts next year at Western. I think she wants to study politics."
"Is she gonna quadruple-major and take grad classes too, or is that just you?"
"Oh God, I hope not." Jiyoon laughed. "That being said, she is also an overachiever."
"Sounds perfect for a politician."
One eyebrow quirked, Jiyoon smiled at him. "Do you think we'll be America's next power family?"
"Lee rhymes with Kennedy. Is that a coincidence?"
"Maybe a conspiracy."
"So is she gonna name you Minister of Finance or something when she's president?"
Jiyoon rolled his eyes. "Tell me, Danny, what branch of government does the Ministry of Finance fall under?"
"Uh… executive?"
"The answer I was looking for was 'not American'."
"Sure, not yet, because you haven't been appointed."
"Finish your burger."
Jiyoon had an essay to write, so he pulled out his laptop while Danny kept working on the problems. It was taking him much longer than he had wanted.
"How's it going over there?" Jiyoon peered over the laptop.
"Fine. I'm just…" Danny ran a hand through his hair and gestured at the worksheets. "The midterm stuff is really fucking hard."
Jiyoon came to see, leaning over him with one hand resting on Danny's shoulder. With the warmth of his hand, the knot in Danny's stomach loosened. When he started to explain the problem, it didn't feel like the concept was unknowable. It even kind of made sense when Jiyoon was the one talking about it.
And then Jiyoon was back behind his laptop, and it was just Danny and the problems.
"New band name," he muttered. "Danny and the Problems."
"Good one."
He took a deep breath and tried again. The deeper he got into it, the tighter his stomach knotted and the more his mind wandered. His phone buzzed and he picked it up, despite Jiyoon's pointed throat-clearing. There was a text message from Lei that just read "Hey! Got a minute?"
After Danny texted back "Yeah, what’s up?" on autopilot, Jiyoon leaned over him again.
"Are you getting distracted?"
"It's kinda hard not to. Are you sure this is intro-level stuff?"
"Believe me, if you saw what I'm working on…"
Danny gave a little shudder. "Okay, okay. Spare me."
Jiyoon was talking him through the next set of concepts that made no goddamn sense, when the buzzing of Danny's phone got incessant. Jiyoon stopped, sounding more than a little annoyed. "Do you need to read those?"
"Uh, yeah hang on—" There were a bunch of messages from Lei, which Danny had to read through a few times to make sense of. "Hey, do you mind if I make a call really quick?"
"Of course not." Jiyoon gave him a concerned frown. "Whatever you need."
"Thanks. I’m gonna just—" Danny scampered for the door
and stood in the barren hallway outside Jiyoon's apartment like a lost dog.
Lei picked up right away. "Hey…"
"What do you mean you're leaving town this weekend?"
"Okay, chill, I didn't mean forever." Lei’s voice didn't do much to reassure him. "My poli-sci class is going on a trip to Olympia to, you know, learn political shit. We won't be back till Monday." Lei sounded too calm and practiced—Danny wasn't used to hearing him speak without a layer of friendly sass.
"Yeah, but… we're practicing this weekend and that's kind of important."
"I know, but it's just the one time, and it's extra credit. That's why I'm telling you now."
Danny didn't say anything. There was an uncomfortable lump in his throat.
"It's important to me, okay?"
"Yeah, well, practice is pretty important, too." Danny turned away from Jiyoon's door and pressed himself against the far wall. "Whatever. I can't talk about this right now. I have too much shit to do."
"Okay," Lei said, in a tone that reminded Danny he had been the one to make this a phone call, not Lei. "See you later, then."
When he went back into the apartment, Jiyoon was hunched over his computer, frowning. He looked up with concern, and Danny just shook his head.
Jiyoon opened his mouth to say something, and then shut it again. Danny sat down heavily in front of his homework, only to startle when Jiyoon set an open beer down in front of him. Danny hadn’t even noticed him get up.
"Thanks." He took a few drinks without really tasting it, telling himself over and over again that he had to think about the work in front of him. Lei missing another practice wasn't a big deal. He was overreacting. Hell, even Danny had had to reschedule sometimes.
Then the numbers started blurring together, and Danny's head felt like it was full of cotton. "I can't do this."
"Let me see the problem again." Jiyoon started reaching for the book, and Danny raised his hands.
"No. No, I can't do this." His voice grated in his throat, and fuck it was embarrassing. He couldn't take his eyes off the table, off those fucking worksheets. Jiyoon folded back into his seat, hands in his lap.
"If I explained it—"
"I just don't—I can't—" He steepled his hands over his face. His stomach felt like it was eating itself, and his chest was so tight he couldn't breathe. Then Jiyoon's hands clasped over his wrists, and he had to stop himself from jerking away.
"Shh, shh. It's okay." Gently, Jiyoon turned him away from the table and leaned over him, close enough that Danny's next shaky breath was full of his scent—clean soap and spices from dinner. "We're stopping."
"It's due tomorrow."
"We're stopping now," Jiyoon repeated. One of his hands cupped the back of Danny's head, teasing through his hair. "Come here."
Danny let himself be coaxed onto the floor until they leaned against the side of the bed, and somehow he had curled into Jiyoon's chest, and Jiyoon had an arm around his shoulders and his cheek pressed to Danny's head. Danny covered his face with his hands and tried to breathe. His heart stuttered in his chest.
"What the fuck is happening to me?"
"It looked a little like a panic attack to me," Jiyoon said. One of his hands was still petting Danny's hair, soft and steady. "How do you feel?"
"Not great."
"All right. I've got you."
Danny shuddered and let out a long breath. "I'm sorry I'm so fucking stupid."
"You're not. And I'm sorry I joked about it."
"It's not your fault."
"It's certainly not yours."
Of course it's my fucking fault, he wanted to say. There was nothing about his grades in this class that he didn't owe to Jiyoon, and it felt like shit.
"What if I can't finish school?"
"Well, here's the bright side. No matter what happens, you're not going to be an accountant anyway."
Danny laughed hollowly. "Not in a million fucking years."
"You're going to finish, though. I know this all feels like a mess right now, but this quarter is nearly done. After that, it'll be a fresh start." He was quiet for a long moment. "And I'm responsible for grading this assignment. I can give you a few days. Enough time to get back on your feet—"
Danny's heart started pounding again, like it was going to pop out of his chest.
"Jiyoon—" He couldn't let Jiyoon do that. Not after everything he had said about his responsibility as a TA—all the trouble he could get in if they got caught.
"You don't have to think about it now."
"That's cheating. You would be cheating."
"That's fine with me." Jiyoon's voice was smooth and matter-of-fact.
"I don't want you to." Danny scooted away, turning to look him in the eye. "I'm not going to get you fired—"
"If we're going to be sticklers for rules, I shouldn't be helping you in the first place. But I am, because I believe you can do this."
"Not on my own."
"And you're not going to be on your own." Jiyoon sighed, and reached for Danny's wrist. He clasped it and squeezed gently. "You know the school system doesn't work for everyone. And yes, this might be favoritism, but I know you're smart. I'm not letting you get left behind when all you need is a hand."
"Where were you when I failed chemistry?"
"Not taking chemistry, because I play to my strengths." There was a current of humor back in Jiyoon's voice.
"Smart." Danny felt himself folding, too tired to argue the point. A couple days would make a huge difference. It might not make him more confident about midterms, but at least he wouldn't fail this, too. But he still had to talk to Lei about skipping practice, and thinking about that made him want to throw up. He tried to put it out of his mind, and focus on the warmth of Jiyoon’s fingers on his wrist.
As if on cue, Jiyoon released his him and stood up. "I think it's time for bed, don't you?"
"I guess." Danny scrubbed at his eyes and tucked his knees into his chest. "I can pack up my stuff if you want me to—"
"I have an extra toothbrush." Jiyoon's arms were crossed, and he wasn't looking at Danny anymore. "It's not open yet. You're welcome to it."
"Oh."
Danny brushed his teeth and let Jiyoon tuck him into bed (like a kid, a really stupid kid, he thought) and waited until Jiyoon finished up in the bathroom and clicked off the lights. His breath caught when Jiyoon found him in the dark and let his hand slide over Danny's shoulders, his chin coming to rest on top of Danny's head.
"We're both a bit of a mess today, aren't we?"
"Guess so," Danny sighed. He leaned forward, letting his nose hit Jiyoon's chest. "'M glad you're here."
"I'm glad you're here, too."
Chapter Ten
Lei wasn't home when Danny got back, of course. He considered using his righteous fury to clean the bathroom, so that when Lei got back he would see Danny being a productive adult human and feel like shit.
So of course when Lei did come home (and from where?), Danny was actually sitting on the living room floor shoveling chips into his face and watching Law & Order. He scrambled for the remote and turned off the TV as soon as he heard Lei's grunted, "Hey," from the doorway.
"Hey." Danny wiped his hands off on his pants and stood up. Then he crossed his arms for good measure. Lei kicked off his shoes, eyebrows raised.
"What's up?"
"Did you tell Sam and Vick you want to leave this weekend?"
"Yeah. I texted them last night. I also told my parents," he said pointedly, the understanding being you guys don't tell me what to do.
Danny couldn't help but notice Sam didn't seem to have skinned Lei alive and didn't know what to make of that.
"Dude," he began, and then wished he had started his very rehearsed speech with something a little more elegant. "Lei. We told Erika we were all serious about this. We made a commitment."
Lei crossed his arms too, looking a little uncomfortable. "Yeah, but—look, I care about school too. And I like this class. I'm
not gonna write that off."
"It's one extra credit fucking field trip—"
"Yeah, I knew that's what you'd say." Lei bristled. He hadn't moved from the doorway and looked like he might be ready to bolt back through it. They both flinched when a key turned in the lock, and a second later, Sam poked her head in.
"Oh," was the first thing she said. Danny gave her an aggravated, pleading look.
"Great," Lei snapped. "You guys both wanna yell at me, go ahead."
"We're not yelling at you. I hope," Sam said, with a pointed stare at Danny.
"I wasn't yelling." In fact, he was pretty sure Lei had been about to yell at him, and he would love to see how that turned out. "What were you saying, Lei?"
Lei gave him a flat look. "I don't hate school. I'm kinda good at it. So yeah, I'm doing this. It's practice, not a United Nations meeting."
Danny slouched into the kitchen at that, to drink beer and sit on the floor. Lei was so far from getting the point, he didn't know where to start.
*~*~*
Being confronted with Professor Weaver's grim, lined face when Danny turned in his midterm made Danny want to flee the country instead of stay enrolled. Danny had tried. He really had tried. The extra days that Jiyoon had given him had been mostly devoted to finishing the Worst Assignment Ever and trying to learn the concepts. But then there was the film class he had to watch a bunch of short films for, not to mention a framing essay for his ridiculous lit class. Danny could write a bullshit essay in his sleep, but it had still taken time.
And Jiyoon had been extra-busy with his own midterms and a deluge of work. Danny and Sam had done their best on their own, but when Danny stared down the lines and lines of questions on the test, it had felt like he was drowning.
When he stepped out of the classroom, the cloudy November sky felt heavy enough to press him into the pavement.
"What do you think?" Sam, right behind him, asked.
"I think I'll be lucky if I get fifty percent." Danny started shuffling in the direction of the apartment. He and Sam had talked about maybe getting some practice in after the test was over, but right now he didn't feel like it at all.
