by Daria Defore
They only had one concert booked in November, another local bar show. That was on purpose; all the extra time was going to be devoted to preparing for a big, radio station-sponsored holiday show Erika had placed them in the line-up for. She had made it clear that this would be a milestone for their relationship with the label. If that show was a success… Well, Danny knew they had enough songs for a full album. It could happen.
It killed him that everything with the band could be going so well, and yet he was miserable because of one class. One test.
But at least not playing as many live shows meant he could take the afternoon to mope guilt-free. Sam trudged silently beside him as they made their way up the Ave, so Danny suspected she hadn't done any better on the midterm.
"Hang on," Sam said as they passed a convenience store. "I need to get something."
They walked out with two cases of beer. Danny had considered a wine box for a good minute before Sam dragged him to the counter.
"We're sad," she said. "We're not desperate."
Not two hours later, the living room was strewn with beer bottles and Sam was doing her best Demi Lovato impression. Danny provided harmonies and percussion, courtesy of jumping up and down until their downstairs neighbors pounded on the ceiling.
Sam and Danny fell back onto the couch in a fit of giggles and "sorry"s until the ringing of Danny's phone finally cut through his happy-drunk haze.
"Shit—" he rolled on his side and groped around on the floor until he found it. "'lo?"
"Danny!" Jiyoon paused. "You're drunk."
Danny had wormed against the back of the couch, as if he could disappear into it. He didn't want to relive the shame of the midterms, and he especially didn't want to explain to Jiyoon that he might've blown the whole class.
Not after everything Jiyoon had done for him.
"Yes!" Danny exclaimed, a little too happy. "The test's over. So we're, you know…"
"Celebrating?" Jiyoon's voice was cautiously hopeful. "You think it went that well? I realize you're not in a mental state to assess possible future outcomes—"
"Fine! I guess. I dunno. We'll see, but like, I'm… good." Danny was grimacing as he let the word trail off. Sam was shaking her head.
"I'm glad to hear it. I would ask you to come over, but I doubt you could find the front door. But um…" The sound of pages flipping came over the phone. "Listen, there's a free wine tasting at this bar in Fremont on Thursday. How do you feel about wine?"
"I mean, it's free."
Jiyoon laughed at that. "Right. I'll text you the details when you're coherent. Drink water."
"I know!" Danny exclaimed, and was about to regale Jiyoon with the lyrics to his favorite Pillowfits song. Before he could, Sam did him a favor and snatched the phone, ending the call in the process.
"Why did you lie to him about that test?" Sam waited while Danny worked through a long whining noise. "Listen," she said, and then rose gracefully from the couch and floated into the bathroom to throw up.
Chapter Eleven
The Oak Barrel was an old-looking bar inside a new-looking building. Very Seattle, with its polished high-rises and insistence on clinging to the vintage. Danny's scuffed sneakers squeaked on the dark wood floor, and he wasn't sure if he felt like a cool hipster or just underdressed. Jiyoon, on the other hand, was immaculate in a grey button down with a dressy vest over it, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows.
He held a wine glass between his fingers, swirled it gently, then took a sip. Danny carefully watched the play of emotions across his face: confusion very smoothly masked with a pleasant, thoughtful look. Then Danny realized he had devolved into staring at Jiyoon's mouth and tore himself away.
"How's it taste?"
"Ah… I'm still looking for the hint of blackberry." Jiyoon picked up the tasting sheet and pored over it, the corners of his mouth turned down. "I'm not… finding…"
"Anything?"
"Shh!" Jiyoon sidled up close to him, and Danny played along with the conspiracy. "Maybe if we really imagine—"
"So we pretend to taste it, and then when we leave, all the fancy wine people will laugh at us because we tasted blackberries in something that's obviously made out of grapes. This is grapes, right?"
"Yes," Jiyoon said, sounding certain for the first time that night. "It's definitely grapes." He picked up a slice of cheese from the plate that he had guilt-ordered to make up for the free glasses (or sips) of wine they were getting. "I like this cheese."
"The cheese is really good." Danny had helped himself to a lot of it when Jiyoon was frowning at wine. "Free booze is also good."
"It certainly does go down sweeter, doesn't it? Oh—" His phone set off with the most obnoxious shrill ring Danny had ever heard. "I should get this, sorry."
Jiyoon snatched the phone to his ear and Danny caught "Dad, hi," in Korean and then something about a sink before Jiyoon excused himself from their little standing table and went to stand by the door. It didn't look like a fun phone call. Jiyoon's shoulders were hunched, and he had one arm slung over his stomach. Danny made sure there was another sample of wine (the red one, the one he liked best) waiting when he came back.
"Sorry," Jiyoon said again, and Danny waved him off.
"That was your dad, right?"
Jiyoon let out a slow hiss of air that turned into a yes. "It was nothing awful, just that they're having horrible plumbing problems in their horrible house, again." He said the final words into his hands with a groan.
"I thought I heard something about a sink."
Jiyoon laughed. "How much did you catch?"
"Uhh, not a lot. Honestly, you talk kinda fast for me." Danny felt a prick of embarrassment, and he wasn't sure why he had even brought up that he was listening. It wasn't like he wanted Jiyoon to know he was trying to eavesdrop on him, and there was no point in showing off his shitty Korean.
"You didn't speak it at home growing up?"
"No, and I understand more than I speak, so… Not that I understand everything."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot." Jiyoon rested his chin in his hand. "I was just wondering. It's my first language, that's all. I didn't learn English until I was five."
"Seriously? Wow, I had no idea—oh holy shit, that was such a white person thing to say. I'm so fucking sorry, dude."
The look of patient disbelief on Jiyoon's face melted into a smile that he was obviously trying to hide. He called Danny a filthy name in Korean, which Danny did understand, because if there was one sub-set of vocabulary that all the Korean kids in his neighborhood made sure to learn, it was bad words.
"Sorry," he said in Korean, drawing out the last syllable and leaning into Jiyoon, trying to look cute as shit. Jiyoon snorted. "I'm so fucking embarrassed. Just tell me what's up with the plumbing or whatever."
It was Jiyoon's turn to grumble. "It's nothing. They have this old house down in Rainier Beach—not a nice old house, just the kind that falls apart. This is the third time this year they've had to get someone out to fix it. It's frustrating, that's all. I want them to move, but it will have to wait until I get a full-time job and earn some money, and until then?" He waved a hand dismissively. "They're so stubborn, too. They don't want to leave the neighborhood. I grew up there. I understand the nostalgia, but at a certain point it's impossible," Jiyoon said with a sigh. "If I'm buying the house, I should at least decide where it's going to be, shouldn't I?"
"I can't believe you're talking about buying houses. That's not even on my radar." He was thinking about his own parents in suburban Lynnwood, solidly middle-class and white collar, who had even tentatively bought Danny his first electric guitar on his sixteenth birthday.
Jiyoon shrugged. "I can't fix leaky pipes, but I can do this."
"You're really cool," were the stupid-ass words that came out of Danny's mouth. "I mean, that's really cool."
"I'm not trying to be cool. It's just the right thing to do."
"No, I get it." Danny wanted to knock his head on the t
able. "I get why you'd wanna do that, I just mean… it's still nice."
Jiyoon let out a soft laugh. "I couldn't talk about that sort of thing with Devin. Especially not anything to do with money. He does not understand what it's like to have parents who rely on you."
"You've gotta stop dating rich white boys."
"Oh, I think I've had enough of that to satisfy me for a long time." Jiyoon tilted his empty glass. "What if we actually get a bottle of one of these and go over to Gasworks? The sun isn't down yet."
"Mr. Lee, did you just imply we should go park-drinking?"
"Not so loud!" Jiyoon smacked him on the shoulder, and Danny laughed. They packed up, and Jiyoon nudged him towards the wine table.
"Any questions?" the sommelier asked him brightly.
"No, uh, I'd like to buy—"
"The screwtop one," Jiyoon murmured into his shoulder.
"The screw—I mean, the red one—the grenache. Please," he said, while Jiyoon muffled a laugh behind him.
Wine in a paper bag, they headed to Gasworks Park, filling the twenty-minute walk with idle chatter. It had been raining earlier that day, but by that afternoon a low, grey cloud cover had settled over the city, insulating it from the November chill.
On a bench overlooking the water, with the hulking gasworks at their back, Jiyoon cracked the bottle open. Danny took it and swirled it, then took a big whiff from the opening while Jiyoon laughed against his shoulder.
"You're only going to be able to smell the bouquet if it's in a glass, Danny."
"What the hell is a bouquet?"
"Oh my God, just give it to me." Jiyoon tugged the bottle back and, after looking around furtively, took a long drink. "Ack."
"We should've picked up some plastic cups or something."
"Red Solo cups in the park would be very subtle."
A few pulls in, Danny felt a heavy warmth settle in his limbs. They sat close together, to hide the bottle between their bodies and thick winter coats. Lake Union was steel gray under a matching gray sky. It was the kind of crisp winter afternoon that made you look up, expecting snow. Jiyoon's thigh was pressed warm against Danny's and shit, Danny wanted to kiss him. The feeling careened from low-key interest to full-fledged want.
"How's the new studio working out?" Jiyoon asked.
"Oh! Shit, yeah." Danny pulled himself back to the present and away from the distant possibility of drunk-making out with Jiyoon on a park bench. "We've been getting up at four." He drew the word out into a groan, and Jiyoon scrunched up his face.
"That's the only time you have to practice?"
"Most days, yeah, with the way it's booked out and all. And the first time Erika was there too, to watch us play and get us settled into the space. Dude, it was incredible. I can't even compare it to that janky room at school. Everything just sounded so good."
"I'm still not sure I could stomach it at four in the morning." Jiyoon gave a little shiver and leaned in closer, smiling at him. "Did she like your new songs?"
"She did! We're, uh, clear to play them at the Christmas Ball Bash."
"When is that again?" Jiyoon broke off his gaze to look out over the lake, his tone too casual. Got you, Danny thought. Jiyoon always tried to play it so coy when he wanted to be invited somewhere, but his poker face was failing him.
"Dunno. I'd have to check. Hopefully it works with your schedule, since you already have a ticket."
Jiyoon jerked back. "What?"
"I got you a ticket. I mean, we have like plus-ones and shit for the VIP area, so I'm giving you mine."
"You weren't even going to ask me?"
"Do I need to?" Danny challenged him, and for once Jiyoon looked off-balance.
"I could be busy," he finally retorted. Then he was back to watching the sunset turn the clouds red and orange. "But I'm sure I can make it."
He probably already looked up the dates the first time I told him about it, Danny thought. If he checked Jiyoon's calendar app, he'd probably find 'Christmas Ball Bash' in red, with a question mark next to it while he waited for confirmation.
"So, how does it feel to be done with midterms?" Jiyoon asked, sparking a nice wave of dread for Danny.
"Uh… relieved, I guess." It was technically true; he was really relieved he wouldn't have to take that fucking test again. "Weaver already has us loaded up with more worksheets though. Or is that your fault?"
"Ahh, yes, my master plan is revealed. I'm responsible for orchestrating the death of your free time." Jiyoon smiled at him, his face a little flushed with alcohol. The last thing Danny wanted to do was talk about homework right now. "Did you start the next assignment yet?"
"Kind of…"
"This isn't one that you can do in one night."
"Yeah, I know. I've been working on it for like… two nights."
Jiyoon laughed. "Right, I'll see you on Wednesday for an all-nighter, then."
"I'm totally gonna have it done before then. I'm serious!"
"I believe you," Jiyoon said, clearly not believing him. He was still smiling, one hand lazily coiled around the bottle. "You don't want to come over, then?"
This is totally a moment, Danny thought before leaning in. Jiyoon gasped sharp against his lips as Danny pressed a quick, questioning kiss to his mouth.
Jiyoon stared at him open-mouthed before dropping his head. "I'm sorry."
And there it was—wave of dread stage two. "Oh shit—I'm sorry man, I'm sorry, I misread the signals. Again." He groaned and hid his face in his knees, feeling the need to wade into Lake Union and never come out.
"No, no, it's my fault. You didn't misread, I'm just bad at… sending signals." Jiyoon trailed off, and Danny heard the sound of him drinking from the bottle.
Great, that was just the reaction he wanted. Now he was the dickbag who had a few drinks and then tried to make a move on his friend—that was not how he meant to come off.
"This isn't why I was hanging out with you, know," he mumbled into his hands. "I wasn't just waiting for a chance to jump you."
"Oh! Of course not, no, I never thought—" Jiyoon stalled out again and ended up just thrusting the bottle in Danny's direction.
Danny pushed it away. "I don't need wine. I'm already too stupid to live."
"You are not," Jiyoon said, his voice firming. "Danny, I brought you to the park with a bottle of wine to watch the fucking sunset. You're not an idiot for trying to kiss me. It was my mistake. Thank you for being honest."
"Yeah," Danny grunted and finally started to take a drink. The word mistake sat heavy in his chest.
"I can't say that I haven't also been thinking about it. And about you."
Danny choked on the wine and ended up letting out an odd and embarrassing half-burp as he swallowed. "Oh," was his highly intelligent reply.
Jiyoon sighed and dragged his hands over his face. "But… I'm still your TA, and after the quarter ends we'll both be in the last stretch of senior year, and you know how busy that's going to be. And how complicated. And we're not… we're not complicated." Jiyoon rested his chin on his hand. "I do enjoy your company, though."
Danny's heart was flopping back and forth in his chest, and he wasn't sure if he should feel rejected or elated. He decided to settle on relieved.
"Okay. Good. That's all I care about." He watched Jiyoon's lips purse in disbelief. "I'm serious. I like you a lot. If you wanted to date, I would do it, but it doesn't really matter. I mean, it totally matters. Obviously I care, but I'm just kind of happy to be around you, I guess." He let out a deep breath. "I fucked that up, but it was definitely supposed to come out complimentary."
As he finished, Jiyoon was hiding a smile behind his hand. "Should I say thank you?"
"Please just tell my friends that I'm not creepy or leading you on, because they give me so much shit for flirting with you."
"Oh, you're harmless." Jiyoon waved his concerns away. "As I said before, I'm shouldering all the responsibility here."
"Because of the TA thing? Come on, tha
t's stupid."
"And I tried to use you to get over my break up. It wasn't exactly fair."
"Yeah, but I knew that. It's not like you lied about being into me."
"Still, it feels like…" Jiyoon sighed. "Had we both been on the same page, we might have had sex on different terms. Our own terms. Instead of me being selfish—"
"Dude, I thought you hated my guts, but you still could've snapped your fingers and I would've been totally down. I'm not that hard to get in bed," he added, because Jiyoon was making a pained expression.
"See, that's exactly the problem. Any time I could have chosen, and I asked you at a time when I was emotionally vulnerable and unable to even consider where things could end up if I gave you a real chance."
"Like where?"
"I don't know." Jiyoon waved his hands. "We shouldn't think about it too hard."
"Like, I don't wanna put words in your mouth or anything, but it kinda sounds like you still wanna fuck me."
"Well, obviously," Jiyoon said. "But."
"But," Danny echoed. "Complicated?" There was a rush of blood to his ears, and his mind was lighting up with "obviously!"
"No matter what I might feel for you, that wouldn't change the fact that the situation isn't practical. There might be some kind of tension between us, but that doesn't mean it would be right to act on it."
"Right…"
"It's not something that resolves itself, apparently," Jiyoon said to the wine bottle.
"Okay, so no pressure? But the finger-snapping thing will still work."
"Inappropriate."
"I'm serious."
"And I need another drink."
They each took another long drink from the bottle. Danny watched Jiyoon, trying to figure out where he stood now. The night they had slept together had been a happy exclamation point in his memory. He had almost forgotten that Devin and that long-ago breakup were the reason they were friends in the first place.
Danny didn't have to be a genius, or even a romantic person, to understand that Jiyoon felt more strongly about that than he wanted to let on. Danny really wasn't sure where that left him, though. He knew what he wanted. That was simple enough.
