by Daria Defore
"Jiyoon, you keep talking like I'm giving you up for my career, but you're the one who's literally doing that."
"Perhaps I'm projecting, then." Jiyoon gave him a sad, lopsided smile. "I can't argue with that. But you know what? If I ever have children, they'll have the freedom to be as reckless, and confident, and idealistic as you are. I'll grant them that security. But I don't have that. And that's that."
"But what about you?"
"I'll be fine." And then he was gone.
Chapter Seventeen
The truth was, no matter how good Danny was, Jiyoon couldn't believe in a career as fantastical as music. Not if there wasn't a clear path he could follow, and numbers he could see.
Danny lay awake thinking about Jiyoon diligently studying to get a high-paying job, to buy a house for his parents. Every ounce of the twenty pounds of books that Jiyoon lugged around was a reassurance that one day everything would be taken care of. Maybe then he could loosen his collar.
Danny imagined what it would feel like to carry those responsibilities with you and not have a way out.
"Danny." Erika stood in the doorway of the studio, her arms crossed. "Can I speak to you in my office?"
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure." Danny put down the guitar. He hadn't really been playing it anyway—just sort of picking. He followed Erika up the stairs to her corner office. It overlooked downtown, and he could even see a sliver of the Puget Sound through the buildings.
Erika gestured for him to sit down.
"What's up?"
"I thought it was time we checked in. I know you've quit school, but I can't help but notice that you've lost some of the energy you had last month."
"Oh. Yeah." Danny clasped his hands together, fidgeting. "Sorry. I don't mean to be a downer."
"That's all right. If the situation isn't working for you though, I encourage you to speak up."
"The label's fine. It's fine, it's just…" What's the plan? "I know what I want to do with my life, you know? I know what I want The Trouble to be, and I feel like I can make it happen. But it's not up to me. So… what do you want from us?"
As soon as he said it, he felt like running right out the door. Erika stared coolly back at him. "What do you mean?"
"Like… where do we fit in with the label? And where do you see us in five years… and the marketing, shit, we haven't even talked about marketing our first album and how that shit works. How much do you spend on that kinda thing? And what do debut albums usually sell, because it'd be nice to know some benchmarks there. If we fail—shit, I'm sorry, I'm rambling—"
"No." A slow smile dawned on Erika's face. "I'm glad you asked. We have a lot to talk about."
*~*~*
Jiyoon was sitting at a table by the window of the Starbucks, a spread of papers in front of him. He was resting his chin on his hand as he paged through a textbook. He looked tired.
"Hey," Danny said, and Jiyoon startled as if coming out of a dream.
"Oh. Hey." He drew back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. "What—"
"Here." Danny dropped the folder in front of him, and then flipped it open for good measure. "I um… I asked for these."
"What are—" Jiyoon picked up the first of the sheets, frowning. Then the second.
Projected earnings for signed recording artist. SAG-AFTRA royalties and fees. Data to compare against senior artists and their careers.
Jiyoon brought his hand up to cover his mouth. "Danny…"
"I talked to Erika. I told her I have to know that I have a future. I'm not gonna be buying a house anytime soon," he said with a laugh. "But you know… if I have to move to L.A., I could definitely rent a place. For both of us."
Jiyoon was flipping through the charts and columns of numbers, lips moving silently as he read along. Then he reached the last page.
"Projected earnings for producer and songwriter…" He looked up at Danny in confusion. "What's this?"
"My back-up plan. If The Trouble doesn't make it, I can still make my music. I would get paid royalties and hey, I might actually get to write for a group you'd listen to. What I mean is, I don't need to be in the spotlight. You know, it would be steadier work. I'd stay in one place. I just want to make music. And I want you."
Jiyoon surged out of his chair and threw his arms around Danny's neck. They were in the middle of the Starbucks and judging by the wet spot on his shoulder, Jiyoon was crying, but it didn't matter. Danny wrapped his arms around him and held on.
"I'm not moving anytime soon. But if I do, I know it's gonna be L.A., and there are lots of jobs there, right? Would you totally hate it—"
"I love you," Jiyoon said, punctuating it with a kiss. "I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable."
"That's fine." Danny tried to wipe away a tear that was stuck on Jiyoon's nostril. "You've probably loved me for a long time, right?"
Jiyoon nodded.
"It's okay." He cupped Jiyoon's face in his hands and touched their foreheads together, taking a deep breath and feeling the calm that came with the familiar gesture. "It's cool. I want to give you what you want."
"All I need is—"
"Stability," Danny finished. "I can do that."
"No more surprises," Jiyoon whispered before he fit their mouths together again. Danny lost track of time in that kiss, in the way Jiyoon's pulse jumped against his hand, and his own heart raced in response.
"Grande soy peppermint mocha for Karen," a barista called out. Jiyoon and Danny jolted to arm's length. As if on cue, the people in the cluster of tables around theirs started to applaud uncertainly.
"Congrats?" a girl murmured as she slipped by with her latte.
Jiyoon ducked his head, blushing, and then pressed another quick kiss to Danny's mouth. "Sorry about the PDA."
"I think we can both make an exception."
"Thank you." Jiyoon dropped his hands to Danny's wrists and pulled him closer to the table, out of the walkway. "For all this. It's really… really reassuring."
"Dude, it's fine. I should've—I should've been asking these questions all along, you know? I should have some control over what's happening to me. And Erika was glad I asked. Turns out that's, like, part of being serious about my career and all that."
Jiyoon broke into a tear-streaked grin. "So I can keep asking questions?"
"Of course. And I'm not gonna hate you for it either."
"Okay." Jiyoon slipped his hands into Danny's, and squeezed. "What are you doing tonight?"
*~*~*
"Feels kinda weird to be here without homework," Danny said as he toed off his shoes in the entryway to Jiyoon's apartment. The table was covered in the familiar pile of books and papers, and Jiyoon's laptop was still out. Jiyoon himself lingered just inside the foyer, wearing an oversized T-shirt and sweatpants, his arms crossed over his stomach.
The fact that he hadn't dressed up for this filled Danny's chest with warmth. It was just them, back to normal.
"I'm sorry about earlier," Jiyoon was saying. "I made such a scene."
Danny took his face in his hands. "Stop apologizing to me," he said, and kissed him. Jiyoon made a soft noise as he opened his mouth, one hand reaching back to tug Danny's hair from its tiny ponytail so that he could run his fingers through it. Danny laughed into his mouth as he backed Jiyoon into the wall. Now that they weren't making out in the middle of Starbucks, he could fully give in to this. Jiyoon's hand fisted in his hair, and Danny sagged against him, letting Jiyoon's firm grip guide him.
Jiyoon leaned his head back, appraising him. His pupils were wide and dark.
"Well, I'm definitely not your TA anymore, Mr. Kim."
"That means I don't have to listen to a damn thing you say. Guess what the first thing I'm gonna do is?"
Jiyoon narrowed his eyes. "What?"
"Eat. Your. Ass." Danny whispered, and Jiyoon laughed in his face.
"Why are you so insistent—"
"I swear I've never made anyone come that hard! It was awesome!"
; Jiyoon made a strangled noise that, if Danny had to guess, was related to the memory of the best orgasm of his life to date.
"I'm really proud of that, you know," Danny added.
Jiyoon was grimacing at him. "You can't let me fall asleep. If you let me fall asleep when I could be having make-up sex, I will legitimately never forgive you."
"I promise." Accordingly, Danny leaned in and blew a raspberry at the junction of Jiyoon's neck and shoulder, while Jiyoon laughed and halfheartedly tried to push him away.
"Use your mouth for good. For good!"
Danny ducked back in for a kiss, pulling Jiyoon off the wall and maneuvering him back towards the bed. Clumsy and kissing, they fell onto the mattress, and Danny knelt between Jiyoon's spread legs.
Jiyoon's clothed erection ground against his thigh, and Danny leaned into him hard, letting Jiyoon take the full weight of his body. Kissing turned into desperate tearing off of shirts, and then Jiyoon pushed him away to unbutton his pants. Danny helped, grabbing Jiyoon's pants and underwear by the waistband and then dragging them down while Jiyoon clutched at the headboard. He laughed when Danny met his eyes, and then he rolled over.
"Fine. That's just fine." His resigned sigh turned breathy as Danny dragged his tongue down his spine and then worked it inside him, little by little. Jiyoon lifted his ass and reached between his legs to jerk himself off, breathing hard into the pillow. Danny didn't let him set the pace, deliberately lapping at him, letting his tongue dip in and out and around until Jiyoon's hand on his cock slowed to match his pace. "God—oh my God—"
Danny opened his mouth and pressed in again, letting his tongue stretch to a point. Jiyoon let out a high whimper and pushed off the bed. He came shortly, with Danny holding his ass wide and fucking him with his tongue.
It was a familiar sight: Jiyoon lying there with his legs spread and on the edge of passing out. His eyes were glazed over, and there was almost a smile on his slack mouth. Danny scooted up the bed and ran his hand through Jiyoon's hair.
"You all right there?"
"Mhm." Jiyoon blinked once, and then closed his eyes. "Just gimme a minute."
"Last time I gave you a minute, it turned into ten hours, remember?"
"I won't sleep. Just a minute." It was probably the worst lie Danny had ever heard in his life. Jiyoon grumbled when Danny pulled him off the bed, but he let Danny half-walk, half-drag him to the bathroom. He didn't have a coherent complaint. Didn't even open his eyes, for that matter, until Danny deposited him on the shower floor and turned on the water.
Then he yelled and tried to scramble out of the spray.
"God dammit—" After a second, Jiyoon gave up and curled on his side. "You asshole."
"I promised you I wouldn't let you sleep."
"Do I hate myself?"
"Make-up sex!" Danny left him there and went hunting for mouthwash. He paused when he saw the toothbrush holder next to the sink where the extra toothbrush Jiyoon had offered him sat side by side with Jiyoon's own.
He hadn't thrown it out. Danny picked it up and glanced at Jiyoon in the mirror. He was sitting up now, arms curled around his knees and looking grumpy and wet. Danny grinned. "You're the best, you know that?"
"You're an asshole," Jiyoon said toothlessly. "But." He shrugged and met Danny's gaze in the mirror.
Danny smiled back. He brushed his teeth and rinsed his mouth out with Listerine, then stepped into the shower and blocked the spray with his body while Jiyoon sucked him off with a kind of sleepy desperation. He was fully awake again by the time Danny came down his throat, and they kissed for ages with Danny pressed against the shower wall and Jiyoon slotted between his legs.
By the time they rolled back into bed, neither of them was ready to sleep.
*~*~*
Danny woke the next morning to sore limbs and the smell of bacon and eggs. Jiyoon was standing by the stove, wrapped up in a robe. He turned his head when he heard Danny turn over and smiled.
"Morning."
"Hey…" Danny stretched out in bed, his muscles protesting every move. "When'd you get up?"
"Not long ago."
"You gonna bring me breakfast in bed?"
Jiyoon laughed and flipped the stove off. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. "Why don't you get up?"
"Mm. I've got nowhere better to be." Danny rolled onto his stomach, letting the sheets twist up around his waist. The bed was warm, and it still smelled a bit like Jiyoon. But he wanted the real thing.
The real thing was stubbornly leaning against the counter still. "You're not hungry?"
"You don't wanna eat in bed with me?"
"No food in bed. It makes a mess." After a moment's hesitation, Jiyoon padded across the room to stare down at him. "Good morning."
"You already said that."
"I know, but…" Jiyoon sat down on the edge of the bed. Danny wriggled and curled until he could lay his head on Jiyoon's knees.
"Bony-ass knees."
"So I've been told." Jiyoon stroked through Danny's hair, until Danny closed his eyes and let himself drift.
"Danny?"
"Mhm."
"If you—when you're successful, and you have everything that comes with that, are you sure you're still going to want to be with someone like me?"
Danny cracked an eye open. "Someone like you?"
"A boring person. With a normal job."
"Yep. Also, you're not boring."
"Thanks for tacking that on."
"You're a huge fucking nerd, to be totally honest with you. That's not boring." Danny gave him a lazy wink.
"I've never seen you wink before. It was horrible. Never do it again." Then Jiyoon yelped as Danny grabbed him around the waist and dragged him all the way into bed. Soon they were tangled together and breathless, and Jiyoon's robe hung uselessly from his elbows.
Danny knocked their foreheads together. "Jiyoon, I could travel all around the damn world and I'd never meet someone like you. You make spreadsheets for fun, and you're a good person, and you… shit, you're so fucking cute."
Jiyoon mashed Danny's face into the pillow. "Get up. Breakfast is getting cold."
He rolled out of bed and shrugged his robe back on, cinching it at the waist. After a second, Danny followed and pulled on a pair of boxers. He watched while Jiyoon pulled down plates from the cupboards and started dishing out eggs and bacon. Then he sidled in and dropped a kiss on the back of Jiyoon's neck, just where his spine began. Jiyoon relaxed into him.
"I'm not gonna get bored with you. You're stuck with me. It's fucked up, and I'm sorry, but it's true." He felt Jiyoon's laugh shake his body. "You gonna be okay with that?"
"Yes." Jiyoon turned around in his arms and cupped Danny's face in his hands. His fingers trailed over Danny's cheeks and then his lips, as Jiyoon lost himself in the actions. "Good morning," he finally murmured.
"You said that already."
"I know. But it is a good one, isn't it?"
Epilogue
"Thanks everyone for coming out tonight. We're The Trouble, and we're from right here in Seattle." A cheer went up from the crowd, and Danny smiled. "Y'all knew that already. Thanks to everyone who's been with us from our first shitty show at The Noisebox when Vick dropped his drumsticks." A couple ragged yells from the back of the room. "And thanks to everyone who's found us since then and doesn't give a fuck that we sold out and have our first official album coming out in July." Bigger screams, filling all the space in the room. "This is our last show in Seattle. Tomorrow we're gonna be on a plane for L.A., and shit if that's not gonna be hard." He scanned the crowd and found Jiyoon standing by the bar, eyes shining and one hand covering his mouth. "But we're gonna be back, and we'll always be a Seattle band, you hear?"
He pointed to the crowd, and they screamed their answer back.
Danny nodded. "All right. Let's do this."
Lei launched into the first chords of their single, their radio song, and Danny sauntered to the front of the stage to reach out
to his crowd, letting their screams and smiles wash over him, filling him up.
And when the set was done, he hopped off that stage and kissed Jiyoon right on the mouth.
"Well? Do you like us yet?"
"Unfortunately, you're growing on me." He slid his hands down to cup Danny's ass. "I'm going to have to tell everyone I was listening to you before you were famous. I'm that person."
"Dated me before I was famous, too."
"True. I'm glad I didn't miss my chance. Before you become a raging asshole."
"I think I did that part already." Danny nuzzled in to kiss him again. Then he dropped his head to Jiyoon's shoulder and stayed there, breathing him in. They wouldn't see each other again until summer, when Jiyoon was out of school. Danny had already booked Jiyoon a ticket to L.A. and set aside a week in the summer concert series to spend with him. But it still hurt.
Jiyoon rubbed slow circles on his back, wordless. His other arm circled Danny's waist, pulling him close. Danny knew he'd miss him. They didn't need to say it again; it had been repeated in every touch and glance over the last few weeks, ever since Erika had confirmed the flight date with him.
"I've been working on my resume," Jiyoon said softly. "It's ready to go."
"And I'm gonna find the least shitty parts of L.A. to show you when you get there."
"I think that's a full-time job on its own." Jiyoon pulled back and looked him in the eye. "What if we don't spend our last night in Seattle crying in a bar?"
"Who's crying? I'm not crying." Danny made a show of wiping his eyes and kissed him again. "Come on. Everyone's waiting."
He took Jiyoon's hand and squeezed. The rest of the band was waiting by the bar: Victor was smiling fit to burst, Lei was openly teary-eyed like the secret softie he was, while Sam sipped a glass of wine, the tightness in her brow the only hint that she was feeling it, too.
The ending of the first chapter of their lives, the beginning of some kind of fever dream that was gonna be the rest of their lives.
Jiyoon nudged his shoulder and smiled at him, the kind bright, quiet smile that made the rest of the room seem dim.
"Let's go."
