by Daria Defore
"It kinda did." Danny ran a hand through his messy hair. He felt a little like he was sleepwalking. "I dropped out of school today."
"You what?" Jiyoon stared blankly.
"Erika and I were talking last night, and it's like… I want to be serious about the band. And she wants me to be serious. You know, there are so many summer shows coming up—and tours, holy shit. All these things that we could get into. So it seemed like the right time."
"Seemed," Jiyoon repeated, in a hollow voice.
"I mean, it is. Anyway, I did it."
"That doesn't make any sense."
The words stung, and Danny found himself bristling. "What about it doesn't make sense?"
"You're going on tour?"
"Not officially, but we can—"
"When?"
"I don't know yet."
"When will you know?"
"I don't know," Danny snapped. "Sorry. Look this all just happened last night—"
"But how long have you been considering this?"
"I mean… last night." Danny felt another prick of annoyance as Jiyoon scoffed. "But it feels right. Last quarter was shit. You know I hated it, you were there."
"I know it was hard, but it's over now. And it's not like you didn't do well, all things considered. It's no reason to drop out of school. Not when you're this close—"
"Being stressed out and busy as hell isn't enough of a reason?"
"Everyone is stressed. I'm stressed."
"But you have a reason to be. You know I want to make music for my career. What's the point of finishing school when my career is ready to take off right now?"
"You don't even know what you're doing this summer, so how can you be talking about your career? You would be graduating in June—"
"If I finish my classes."
"You will." Now Jiyoon's voice was taut, on the verge of breaking. "It's six months. Why are you so eager to throw everything away when you're six months from having a degree?"
"It's a degree in pointless bullshit—"
"It matters."
"It doesn't matter to me. It's like a fucking layover on the way to doing what I actually want, and it feels like a waste of time."
"A waste of time," Jiyoon repeated. His hands were balled up, white-knuckled in his lap. "Why was I tutoring you for hours every week, if school is a waste of time?"
The angry, impulsive side of Danny bit back: "I never asked you to."
Jiyoon wasn't looking at him anymore, and the small table felt like an unbroachable wall between them. Danny's temper was still flaring. "Look, it's not a big deal. I still have the credits. I'll go back if I have to. But you know, that kind of implies that I'm a fucking failure at what I do, so—"
"What you're talking about is insane. Re-applying… re-enrolling… that's such a waste of time when you're set up to finish now—"
"But I'm not, because I dropped out. It's done. And I'm fucking sick of school, so why—" Danny couldn't keep the frustration from his voice. "Why are you so convinced I'll need it anyway?"
"Rationality."
"Bullshit. Just tell me you don't think I can make it."
"I—" Jiyoon stopped and briefly put a hand over his mouth. When he lowered it to the table, his fingers were curled against his palm, but his hand still shook. "I think you can do whatever you want. But I can't."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm always going to want to know what your next step is. I'm always going to want to know what your backup plan is, and I'm always going to be asking these questions. It's going to drive me crazy, and it's going to make you hate me."
"No, it won't." Danny leaned in, and Jiyoon retracted his hand. "Listen, I know what I'm doing."
"You just admitted to me that you don't. All you're doing is lunging carelessly towards a goal that very few people achieve—"
"And I'm fine with that. Whatever happens to me—"
"It's not just happening to you, is it?" Jiyoon's eyes were sad and angry all at once, and Danny found himself at a loss for words. "I think that, perhaps, I am wasting my time with you."
He pushed back his chair and stood. Danny looked helplessly up at him.
"Jiyoon…"
"Thank you," Jiyoon said stiffly, knuckles white on the strap of his bag. "This was fun. All of this was fun."
Chapter Sixteen
After a couple hours of lying flat on the floor, Danny felt a blanket land on his back. Lei flopped down on the couch and stretched his legs out, resting them on Danny's back, too.
"Hey, buddy."
Danny grunted in reply. Netflix was on the TV, playing a marathon of a cheesy vampire series. Danny could relate to the drained and desiccated corpses that cropped up every other scene.
Lei ground his heels into Danny's spine. "You wanna talk?"
"No." Danny wanted to lie on the floor until they became one. He also wanted to die a little bit. He also, in equal parts, wanted to call Jiyoon and yell at him, but also have a good cry and fix things, somehow.
I can't choose between him and music. That's fucking ridiculous. He's my friend, and music… music is everything.
He ground his face into the floor as he realized that he wasn't choosing between Jiyoon and music. Jiyoon had removed himself from the equation.
Danny's guitar stood in the corner, but he had no desire to play it. All his feelings, which were usually right on the tips of his fingers waiting to come out, just felt like mush. Grey, disappointing mush.
"Do you want dinner, Danny?" Sam's voice was uncharacteristically soft. "I'm making grilled cheese."
"No. Thanks," Danny told the floor. Lei kneaded him with his feet again. The front door opened and shut with a bang, and rolling suitcase wheels heralded Vick's return from winter break.
"Hey, guys!" he chirped. "How's it going?"
The three of them grunted in unison.
"Okay… uh, why is Danny on the floor?"
"Jiyoon broke up with him," Lei said.
"He also dropped out of school for the band," Sam added. "I probably will as well. Lei is reducing his course load."
"Uh. I need to—can someone tell me what's happening?"
Sam made a pot of tea, and the band huddled onto the couch together while Danny continued occupying the floor. Sam had already called Erika earlier and gotten a rundown on what would need to happen for them to have a shot at touring that summer.
It boiled down to commitment. If she needed them to play a show, she had to know she could contact them, and that nine times out of ten they would be available.
Lei was hesitantly certain that he could make it work with his school schedule, and he was willing to take less credits if he had to. Vick also liked the compromise, and both of them decided that if they got more shows and picked up steam over the summer, they would be glad to drop out before fall quarter.
Sam silently logged into the school site on her phone and withdrew from Winter quarter while they spoke.
"Danny?" Lei leaned over him and tugged at the back of his shirt. "It's okay, right?"
The unspoken question hung in the air: You're still with us?
"Yeah." Danny sat up heavily, and rubbed at his eyes. "Thanks, guys."
Lei sank onto the floor next to him and leaned against his side. Sam passed him a cup of tea, and they watched Netflix until Victor, and then Lei shuffled off to bed. As the next episode started up, Sam joined Danny on the floor with a sigh.
"So."
"Mhm." Danny dropped his head onto Sam's shoulder. "You dropped out…"
Sam was quiet for a long moment. Danny could feel her breath in his hair. "No offense to you, but the only way we'll be successful is if you're not the only one doing this full-time."
"Yeah," Danny huffed. "Thanks."
"It's nothing."
"Tell that to my parents."
Sam gave a forced laugh. "Perhaps we should stay away from home for a little while."
"I can't decide if I owe them a visit to get it a
ll straight, or if I just wanna run away."
"When are you going to clear things up with Jiyoon?"
Danny's chest ached. "I don't think I can."
Sam let out a sigh that unfortunately just made Danny miss Jiyoon more. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'll miss your pathetic flirting."
Danny let out a long, shaky breath and curled into his knees.
"Oh, tea—" Sam wrested the tipping mug from his hands and put an arm around Danny's shoulders.
It hadn't even been a day, but Danny missed him. If thinking of a future without school filled him with relief, knowing that Jiyoon wouldn't be there was… awful. Everything else was falling into place, but without Jiyoon, there was a piece missing.
"It sucks to lose a friend," he managed, throat tight. "It sucks so bad."
"I know." Sam squeezed his shoulder. "But you did the right thing. Not everyone gets chances handed to them like this. As ambitious as he is, I'm surprised he can't appreciate that."
"He does. I think he gets it, it's just… maybe he doesn't think I'm good enough." The words didn't ring true. "It was such a stupid fight. You know, I didn't think he'd take it personally when I said school was a waste of time." Sam made a sympathetic noise, and it encouraged him to be bitter. "He always took it too seriously. Stupid jerk with all his graduate classes and fifty books and career plans. Maybe he thought he'd be a good influence on me."
"He should've known better."
"Yeah. I guess."
Somehow the thought of Jiyoon knowing better, of Jiyoon never taking a chance on him at all, hurt more than anything else.
*~*~*
Dropping out of school and losing his boyfriend in one fell swoop didn't actually make Danny less busy. It did make him feel more lackadaisical about the work he was supposed to be doing: making new songs and getting things in order for their next Big Move. He had no idea whether it would be an album, an away show, whatever. It occurred to him dimly that he could ask, but he never worked up to it.
It felt better to keep his head down, keep pen to paper, and do what he had to.
Sam, likewise free from school, was dragging him grocery shopping at the Safeway on 50th. Danny had offered to give her so money so that he could stay home and mope, but Sam was having none of that. Danny grumbled the whole way there, hands in his pockets and coat collar turned up against the January cold.
"Don't be so grumpy. And don't act like you enjoy drinking coffee filtered through a paper towel any more than I do," Sam sniped. "Speaking of which, we're out of paper towels. And we're probably running low on toilet paper by now, too."
"Yeah, yeah." Danny stopped dead as the automatic doors swooshed open. A few aisles down, Jiyoon and Devin were standing in the checkout line together. They were talking.
"Danny, could you—oh." Sam stopped behind him and laid a hand on his arm. "Hey. Hey, come on."
"Wait—"
"Come here. Listen to me—" Sam pulled him back through the door when Danny resisted, ushering him back towards the sketchy parking lot and out of sight.
"But—" Danny tried to push forward again but Sam held out her arms to block the way. She had a good five inches on Danny, and she was using it now.
"Leave him alone."
"I'm not gonna bother him, I just wanna know what the fuck he's doing."
"They probably just ran into each other. Don't make a scene."
"They're not even friends." Danny couldn't keep the rough edge out of his voice. "He doesn't… I don't understand."
It had been a long few weeks without even a text from Jiyoon, and radio silence across social media. Why the fuck was he doing something as domestic as grocery shopping with that stuck-up, obnoxious, hipster asshole?
"Come here." Sam beckoned him forward then, and Danny edged into the circle of her arms. "I'm sorry," Sam murmured into his hair.
"What are you apologizing for?" Danny growled. "You said they were just talking."
Then the door opened and Devin loped out with an armful of brown paper bags, followed by Jiyoon. They each saw Danny and Sam at about the same time, and Jiyoon fell a step back, his shoulders hunched.
"Hey, you guys!" Devin shouted gleefully. He strode over, and after a beat, Jiyoon followed him with stiff steps.
Danny pulled out a nice, rictus public smile, without even an elbow from Sam. "Hey. Long time no see, Devin."
"Yeah, I heard you guys scored a record deal. Congrats."
"With Doubletime, yeah. They've been helping us set up shows too," Danny said. He kept his focus on Devin, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Jiyoon staring at the ground. "Haven't seen you at any of them."
"Yeah, you know how it is." Devin laughed and shrugged, his smile turning awkward. "I like to support the little guys, you know? All those indie bands that are struggling to make it out there."
Like we're not struggling still, living in our shitty apartment, not knowing when we're gonna get paid next. His smile stuck, sharp-edged.
"Devin, didn't you have to move your car?" Jiyoon pulled up his sleeve, showing his watch. "It's two."
"Ah, shit, see you later! I gotta run." Devin hefted the bags to the side and tugged Jiyoon into a weird half-hug, which Jiyoon reciprocated with an arm around his waist. "Text me, okay?"
"I will," Jiyoon promised, as Devin jogged away. He kept looking after him, even once he disappeared. "Danny. Can I speak to you?"
Danny looked at Sam and shrugged.
"I'll meet you inside," Sam said, giving his wrist a squeeze. "And no, you aren't getting out of buying toilet paper."
"Right. This won't take long," he said, more harshly than he should have. Jiyoon hunkered down in his coat.
"I'm sorry he said that about your band," Jiyoon said when they were alone. "It was uncalled for."
"Why are you apologizing for him being an asshole?"
"I assumed you might appreciate the gesture."
"You gonna apologize to Sam, too? She's in the band and all."
"Sam didn't look like she needed it." There was a sharp edge in Jiyoon's voice now, and Danny wanted to dig deeper into his anger and bring it to the surface.
"So while you're running around apologizing for Devin, are you ever gonna tell him what a dick he is? If anyone's ever gonna tell him, it might as well be you. Whenever you're not too busy going shopping with him."
"Are you really losing your temper with me over who I spend time with?"
It was Danny's turn to bristle. "No. I just don't get why you're hanging out with an asshole like that."
"I don't owe you an explanation," Jiyoon snapped.
"Good—"
"But I have one."
"Oh." Danny stopped short, feeling off balance. Now he wasn't sure he wanted to hear anything about whatever crap they were up to. Jiyoon took a deep breath through his nose.
"We're taking a class together this quarter. I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I'm trying to unburn some bridges. And he had some errands to run." Jiyoon rubbed the bridge of his nose, and dropped his voice. "Speaking realistically, Devin's family is well-connected. His mother is a CFO. These are people that I would rather stay on good terms with."
So that was where Jiyoon drew the line, then. Devin was a jerk with rich parents so he got the white flag, he got the chance to try again. Danny seethed. "Whatever his parents do, they sure did a shitty job raising him."
"Please stop lashing out at me."
"I'm not lashing out at you—"
"Yes, you are. You're trying to denigrate me by association, and I don't appreciate it. If you're going to take the high road and say you're better than him because you're not a dick to me, you might want to start by not being a dick right now."
"I guess I just wish I were an important person too, so you could stay friends with me."
"You're not exactly being friendly right now, are you?" Jiyoon straightened up, looking him dead in the eye. "Stop insulting me. Be an adult."
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry, but I ju
st don't get—" Even with their identical heights, Danny felt like Jiyoon was looking down at him. His anger wavered and then fell away, leaving raw, hurt feelings in its place. "I never wanted to stop talking to you. I just wanted to make sure the band goes somewhere, and dropping out of school was the best way to do that. But it didn't mean I didn't want to see you. I told you, you're important to me. You're really, really important to me, so why—"
"Your dropping out of college is symptomatic of a larger problem," Jiyoon said tightly. "You are the kind of person who can do something like that. On a whim. Without even telling me." He took a careful step closer to Danny, putting them eye to eye. "It wouldn't surprise me if you left tomorrow to move across the country. But I don't have that luxury. And I'm too invested in you to not let that hurt me."
"But it doesn't mean I want to leave you. Even if I did go somewhere, I would still want to be with you."
Jiyoon started ticking questions off on his fingers. "Where? With what money? Where would I live? What is the job market like? How long would you commit to that place? Would it be enough time for me to seriously start a career, to the point where transferring would look good on a resume? These are the things I have to think about." His voice started to waver and then broke. "And I don't like that, but it's reality. You see? I can't run away with you and hope it all works out. I have to have a plan, I have to have something, anything to go on. You are not enough."
"Well… fuck." Danny's anger sputtered out at the same time Jiyoon's did. His chest was aching, and if he wasn't wrong, there were tears in Jiyoon's eyes.
"There you go." Jiyoon threw up his arms and laughed. "Like I said, I'm not going to stop asking questions."
He started to go and then wheeled back. "And I know I'm not being a good friend. If I were the bigger person, I would support you, but I am not coping well with the reality that everything you do for The Trouble by necessity takes you a step away from me."
"It doesn't have to," Danny pleaded. "And it wasn't supposed to."
"But it does," Jiyoon said softly. He steepled his hands over his nose and mouth and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I called you a waste of time. That wasn't fair, and it wasn't true either. But if I'm going to move forward, I need to focus on the certainties."
