Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  "Why are you guys so quiet?" Brandt asked Grady and Tessa, cutting the tension like a punch to the gut. I shot him a pointed glare. "What?" he mouthed.

  When I looked back, Tessa and Grady were mirror reflections of each other, both looking out opposite windows, off in another world. I inched down in my seat in discomfort. Something definitely went down between them, but Tessa didn't leave, and they were coming to breakfast, so, hopefully, it was just a little fight. My heart ached for both of them.

  Breakfast was super awkward, but Brandt and I were doing our best to keep up the conversation, only receiving one word responses from both of them. We ate quickly and then dropped Tessa at home. She ran in without saying so much as bye to any of us.

  "I have to work today," Brandt said.

  "Okay. Hey, Grady. What are you up to today?" I could tell he needed someone to talk to.

  "Huh?" He had become complacent after breakfast.

  "Are you working with Brandt today?" I pressed.

  "Oh, umm, no."

  "I don't have anything to do today. Want to hang for a bit?"

  "I think I'm just going to go surfing," he responded flatly.

  I looked at Brandt who just shrugged. Typical. "Do you care if I go? There's this book I've been wanting to finish."

  "Sure, whatever," Grady mumbled in the back seat.

  "I'll be back in a sec," I said as I jumped out of the car. I ran into the house and yelled for Tessa. I found her lying on her bed. "So, what's the deal?"

  "I told him about the miscarriage," she confessed point-blank.

  "Oh. He isn't taking it very well."

  "No, he's not."

  "But you guys are still together?"

  "For now. I probably should've broken it off, but he was so crushed already I couldn't do it, and then he started talking about trying again after we got married. He was so comforting, and all I could think about was how excited I was to leave. That's messed up, right? Am I horrible person?"

  I scooted next to her. "No, Tess. It makes you human. You're not even twenty-one yet. You shouldn't be thinking about babies and marriage. You are off to your dream college and just beginning to figure out who you are and what you really want. That doesn't make you horrible, but you need to talk to him, and soon. Stringing him along isn't right."

  "I know. I will."

  I got up to leave. "Are you cool with me hanging with him today? He looks like he could use a friend."

  "Yeah. Actually, I think that's a good idea. Thanks, Bay."

  "Sure." I hated that everything was so negative lately. I just wanted everything back to normal. I ran into my room, grabbed a jacket, a blanket, and my book.

  IT WAS A nice day at the beach. We went to Surfer's Strand off Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. The beach was quiet with just a few girlfriends strewn about while their boyfriends tried to catch waves. Unfortunately for them, the water was calm, but Grady stayed out there all the same. I tried to read my book, but I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened over the last few days and all the changes to come in just a little over a week.

  I wasn't a stranger to this beach. In fact, I had bought real estate, metaphorically speaking, where my butt was currently planted, because I had sat here so many times. I loved watching the boys surf, even if it was early in the morning. Tessa was not a morning person, so she rarely got to see the serenity the sunrises had to offer over the ocean, but she came for the later surfing sessions. Her absence today was a pretty strong message, so I knew letting Grady go alone was not even an option.

  Grady and I had developed a unique bond over the past four years. I still wouldn't claim to know Grady well because he was extremely guarded, but I was hoping that would change now that we were going to be family. I was already like a sister he never had. Whenever he and Tessa fought, he would talk it out with me. He and Brandt were close, but when it came to his emotions, Grady usually picked me over his brother. I'm sure it helped that I was the closest thing to Tessa. He loved the hell out of that girl, and I knew he would lay his life down for her, so it was hard for me to see Tessa give that up. Nevertheless, your heart wants what it wants, and it can't be forced, and my sister was never one to conform or compromise.

  I saw Grady paddling in, finally. He had been out there for at least an hour. He was probably dying for water. As he walked up the beach with his surfboard under his arm, I threw him his water bottle.

  "Thanks, B." He guzzled down half the bottle.

  "Crap day, huh?"

  "Yep." He shoved his board into the sand so it stood up and then he plopped down next to me. "How's your book?"

  It was lying upside down, open to the only page I had been reading for pretty much the whole hour he was out there. "Good," I lied. We watched the water for a minute in silence.

  "Did you know?" He played with the blanket.

  I picked at the blanket uncomfortably. "I just found out last night."

  "Man, I just can't believe she didn't tell me. That's the hardest part, you know? That she didn't trust me."

  "First of all, I don't think it had anything to do with trust. She didn't tell me, either. I had no idea she was pregnant or anything. I just don't think she wanted to deal with it, and telling people makes it that much more real."

  "So, what if she didn't have a miscarriage? We would have noticed eventually." He was having a hard time masking his anger.

  I couldn't respond because I hated lying to him and I knew she wouldn’t have kept the baby. He read my silence.

  "She wasn't going to keep the baby, was she, B?"

  He finally made eye contact with me. His eyes were filling with tears.

  "No," I whispered, trying to hold back my own tears.

  "What the hell? She was just going to kill our baby and never tell me?" He cursed as he stood up.

  "Grady, calm down, please. Let me try to tell you her side. Please, that's only fair."

  "She's a big girl, Bay. She can tell me her own side."

  I sat up on my knees and grabbed his arm and pulled hard to get him to sit down, but he was too strong.

  "Grady, you need to sit down. Now!" I demanded.

  He shoved his free hand into his hair, a gesture I saw him do frequently when he was upset and trying to regain his composure.

  "Please," I begged.

  He stared at me, contemplating his options, and then kneeled next to me. He hid his head in my knees and broke down. I petted his head, giving him the only comfort I could. He had no idea the worst was yet to come. Tessa was leaving him, and there was nothing he could do about it. When he calmed down, he sat back up.

  "I feel like I'm losing her, Bay. She's become so distant since she got her acceptance letter. No matter how hard I try to hold on, she just keeps pushing me away. I can't live without her. She's my life. I love her."

  "I know, and I know she loves you, too, but we both know what a free spirit she is. The tighter you hold, the more she'll flee. This pregnancy scared the crap out of her. She needs time. You need to give her space to deal with it."

  "Space is the death sentence for relationships, Baylor, and you know it." He raised his voice.

  "What are you going to do then? Chain her to the bed? You can't keep her if she wants to go."

  "Are you saying she wants to leave me?"

  The panic that bore into me was too much. "I'm not saying anything. I'm just giving you advice like I always do. It's not like this is the first time she's gotten all weird on you. It's just a lot bigger this time because of the circumstances. You have to give her space or you will lose her, Grady."

  He let everything sink in. "Why do you have to be a spitting image of her? Everything. If we ever broke up, it would be so hard to be around you."

  "I really hope that doesn't happen for any of us because I love you, too, Grady. Aside from Tessa, you're my best friend. So, please, promise me you won't leave me. Ever." When he didn't respond, I added, "I'll go ninja on you if you try to leave."

  He cr
acked a smile. "Oh, no, not the ninja. I wouldn't want that. Your high kick is deadly."

  I was a track and field runner, so my legs were impressively strong, and I had the pleasure of high kicking Grady once when he was a little too drunk for his own good. Wearing his beer goggles, he mistook me for my sister and kissed me. It was before Brandt, or else it would have been Brandt laying him out. We had a good laugh about it after, but Tessa was less than thrilled he had kissed me.

  "Look, I don't know what's going to happen with you guys. I don't have a crystal ball, but you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and if you do separate, fate will bring you back together if it's meant to be."

  "Yeah, I guess."

  "I think we need a drink."

  "Sounds good to me, but then Brandt will say, 'you're enabling the underage,'" he mocked.

  "Whatever. This calls for a few."

  We packed up and headed back to his place, on the way stopping by the store to pick up the contraband. We also picked up some pasta for dinner since we both had skipped lunch and were now ravenous.

  "I see we are eating and drinking our feelings tonight," Brandt joked as he helped take out the food from the takeout bags.

  I poured both boys straight vodka while I mixed mine with the vanilla soda. As we sat around laughing and joking, I couldn't help but take inventory of the memory. I loved this. With or without my sister, we could be happy. We could be a family. Of course, it would be better with her, but she had her own life to live. This was my life, and I wouldn't change anything about it. It was perfect.

  First Time

  I SHOULD HAVE seen the signs. I should have known something bad was coming. My life had been too perfect, and then there were warning signs the past few weeks. The road had been getting bumpy, but I just thought it was because we were all freaking out a bit about the huge changes occurring. I had no idea it was fate's warning. The magnitude and destruction was something I wish I hadn't survived, but, really, I hadn't. It took a large chunk of me. The part that made up me for the last twenty-two years. The only piece that mattered.

  "I CAN'T BELIEVE this. I'm so excited."

  Tessa was bouncing on my bed like a four year old. We were leaving for the train station in a few minutes.

  "You're getting married tomorrow, Bay! This is nuts!" She stopped jumping and sat on the edge of the bed.

  I was on the floor zipping up the last of three large suitcases and shaking my head in disbelief. We were going to be gone less than twenty-four hours, and I had three bulging bags. So much for keeping things simple.

  "Yep. By tomorrow night, I will officially be Mrs. Reilly."

  "That's so weird. I like Mrs. Brandt better," she joked.

  "Ha-ha. Help me get these bags in the car."

  As soon as we reached the front door, Brandt was standing there. Seeing him quickened my heartbeat. It was surely reacting to the wedding. My heart fluttered when his hand grazed mine as he took my bag from me. He leaned in and kissed right in front of my ear.

  "Less than twenty-four hours, and you'll be all mine," he whispered devilishly.

  Goose bumps raced across my body and made my insides scream.

  "What, you're not going to take my bag?" Tessa interrupted.

  Brandt took hers politely and left it on the front porch while he made the first trip to the car.

  "You two ready?" My mom stood behind us animatedly. "I can't believe how big you girls are. I blinked and you weren't babies anymore." She grabbed us in her arms and hugged tightly.

  Brandt came back. "Good morning, Sara."

  "Good morning, Brandt," Mom replied.

  "Everyone ready?" My dad joined us. "Where's Grady?" he asked Brandt.

  "He's going to meet us there."

  "Chad, sweetie, did you get my bag on the sink?" Mom asked.

  "I did, honey."

  My dad kissed my mom on the cheek and ushered us all out the door. We piled into my dad's SUV and headed to the station. My sister sat alone in the middle row, plugged into her iPod while Brandt and I sat in the back.

  "Why didn't Grady meet us here?" I was worried he and Tessa were fighting again. Ever since she told him about the miscarriage, things had been pretty off between them. I spent a lot of days consoling Grady and many nights reassuring Tessa. She was torn about breaking it off with Grady because she loved him so much, but I could tell she needed to explore life without him. I hated it, but I told her she would regret it and resent Grady if she didn't give herself a chance to see if he was her future. I loved Grady, and I could already see this wearing on him and changing him. I couldn't imagine what it would do to him if they kept this going for much longer.

  "He rode with my parents. I think he just needed to be alone. He's having a really hard time," he whispered. "She told him last night she didn't want him to move with her."

  "What?" I had no idea. I had been so busy packing I hadn't talked to either one of them yesterday. "He didn't have to come."

  "Bay, we're getting married. Of course, he had to come. He wants to come."

  I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder for the rest of the drive. My heart ached for Grady. I wished Tessa would have waited until after the wedding. Thankfully, our wedding was small and simple. It would be a quick ceremony tomorrow morning in Huddart Park with just us and the officiant and then a quick lunch before catching the train home. We were exploring the campus this afternoon and then going to the welcome dinner for Tessa.

  We parked in the station lot and waited on the platform. We had made it within a couple of minutes before departure. It was still dark out it was so early. We were taking the first train out, so we could arrive as early as possible. Grady gravitated toward Tessa immediately and embraced her tightly. It was a sight that broke my heart. He loved her in spite of the hell she was putting him through. His love surpassed sanity.

  The train ride was pleasant. As pleasant as it could be anyway. I had never actually been on one. My parents suggested it so we could all be together and not worry about lugging all our bags on a flight. It was pretty smart. Our parents sat together, lost in conversation on one side of the aisle, while the four of us sat quietly for most of the trip. Tessa had been crying a lot, so she hid her head on Grady's lap. My mom had asked me what was going on during one of our walks down the train, so I told her they were just having a hard time. I was watching the end of a relationship, and it was heartbreaking. The way they held each other told the story of how much they had been through together and how much they loved each other. They just met too young. I hoped the future had them together.

  It was an eight-hour train ride, and I slept for most of it. I think all of us did. We arrived just a little past noon. I went to the bathroom with Tessa to freshen up a bit. The bathroom was small, but we managed to fit.

  "Are you going to be okay?" I brushed out Tessa's hair.

  "I don't know, Bay. I love him so much, but I just feel like I need this."

  "Listen to me. That man out there loves you more than he loves himself. He will wait for you, Tessa. His heart will always be yours. You have to let him go, Tess. You have to give him that if you're not sure."

  "I'm so sorry I'm ruining your weekend," she cried.

  I hugged her closely. "You could never ruin anything, Tessa. You're my little sister, and you will always come first. I don't know what I would do without you."

  After lunch, we took a shuttle to the Stanford University Guest House where we decided to stay since we were really only going to be there for the night. It was fascinating with high security, but definitely felt like being in a dorm rather than a hotel. I think that was the point. The rooms were small and furnished with just the essentials. Tessa and I were sharing a room, mainly out of respect for our parents and really nothing to do with the tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding. I didn't really buy into silly little traditions, hence the smallest wedding, ever.

  We dropped our things off quickly and then headed to campu
s. It was impressively intimidating. It made me even more proud of Tessa. My little sister was going to be a scientist, and this was the place that was going to steal her from me for the next several years. I had a small pang of jealousy, although I never saw myself going this route. I was more into designing and creating.

  I stood in front of the flowerbed designed as an "S" at the entrance to the school in complete awe. Grady and his parents stayed at the hotel and were going to meet up with us at the welcome party. Brandt refused to leave my side.

  "So, what do you all think?" Tessa addressed us with a smile.

  "It's amazing, honey. We are so proud of you. Both of you," our mother replied.

  Tessa jumped in Mom's arms. She was back to normal when Grady wasn't around, which showed how much she needed this. She was too young to be dealing with pregnancy and miscarriages and life-altering love. She needed to be my fun-loving little sister again.

  The party was lovely and a bit snooty, but Tessa faked it well. My parents blended right in, not that they were snooty, but they knew how to mingle with all types of classes, and they made sure Brandt's parents were at ease, too. There was a full bar, food, instrumentalists, and we all played the part by dressing in the suggested gala attire. Brandt and Grady looked absolutely delicious in their suits, and they were both hit on numerous times by the incoming class. It was amusing to watch. Tessa had disappeared in the flurry. Brandt stayed close to my side after the third attempt by a girl to take him somewhere less crowded.

  "Did she really say that?" I laughed.

  "Yes, and she was dead serious."

  "Please, tell me you told her you were getting married tomorrow?"

  "I did, which only made her try harder, like I was at my bachelor party looking for one last hookup."

  I raised a brow and put a hand on my hip. "Well? Are you looking for one last hookup, Mr. Brandt?"