by E. C. Land
I don’t want to do this right now. I feel as if I am breaking and I don’t understand why. Maybe it’s the feeling of losing my best friend or the fact I’m in love with a man who doesn’t want to love anyone besides the woman he lost.
As he’s told me several times over the timeframe I’ve known him, Janey will be the only woman who holds his heart.
Shaking my head, I hold his gaze. “See you at the shop, Burner,” I murmur and close the door behind me, locking it for good measure.
Pulling out of the clubhouse, I dare not glance in the rearview mirror, afraid of what I might see. Or not see, for that matter.
Confused by all these emotions, I’m thankful to be moving into my own place. At least no one will be around when I finally break down. Which I feel coming.
I’ve been bottling up all my emotions, anger, hurt, fear, pain, all of it for so long, I know without a doubt I’ll explode soon.
“You can do this,” I murmur to myself encouragingly yet not feeling anything other than this mixture of emotions.
Yeah, it’s a good thing I’m moving out. Now I don’t have to worry if my dreams will wake anyone.
Let alone I don’t need any of them to know my darkest secret, one I fear will only be a matter of time before he comes for me.
“For I am one of the Chosen, I must listen to my master,” I state the one line that has been ingrained in me since I was a teenager.
He’s coming for me and they don’t know just how heinous this monster is. They thought Booker and Charles were bad enough, they’ve yet to meet the one who will stop at nothing to get me back. If the letter I received at the shop the other day was anything to go by my time is limited.,
I don’t even have to pull the letter out to know what it says.
My beautiful Chosen, you thought I wouldn’t find you? I’ll have you know I’ve known where you were for quite some time. Though I’ve stayed in the back watching, it is now time. You will remove yourself from those men you’re whoring for and come back to me. If not, each one of those women, including the ones I notice are also Chosens, will lose their lives. Don’t make me do something you’re gonna regret. It’s time to come back to where you belong. For you, my sweet Chosen, will be punished greatly for the trouble you’ve caused.
Blinking, I focus on the road. Yeah, this is for the best. I refuse to allow the ones I’ve come to care about be hurt.
Casimir will kill anyone in his way of getting what he wants.
Chapter Two
Burner
“What the fuck just happened?” I mutter as I watch the taillights of Ally’s car move farther away. Is she moving out because of me? Nah, it can’t be me. I mean, I know we haven’t spent as much time around each other lately and that’s my fault, but still.
“Fuck,” muttering to myself, I run my hands through my hair, letting out a breath. This is all my fault. Ever since coming home from Ireland and learning the truth of Janey’s death, I’ve hated being around Ally.
The emotions she draws out of me are something I couldn’t handle. I swore after the death of the woman who owned my heart, I’d never love someone again. It’s a promise I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep. Not after seeing the way Ally seemed so defeated.
Does she have feelings for me as well?
No, I know Ally. If she did, she’d have told me. Since her escape with Hades from that sick cult that held her for so long, Ally has always been able to talk to me about anything and everything. Or at least that’s what I thought.
Now, I’m not so sure. What I do know is I’ll be remedying her ideas of leaving the club behind. I could see it in her eyes, heard it in the way she spoke. I don’t know if her brother noticed it or not, but I did.
Mind made up, I don’t bother heading back inside the clubhouse to the beer I had waiting for me. Instead, I head for my bike. Hopefully, a ride will bring clarity to my thoughts.
I straddle my girl, the same one I got back when I finished high school and signed up for the military. The one I have a picture of me on with my Janey sitting behind me.
Her memory has never been far from my thoughts, yet here recently they’re a constant I can’t shake. Her death haunts me some nights— it’s the same dream of her telling me it’s okay to love again. In others, it’s her screaming my name for help yet I’m never able to get to her in time to save her.
Shaking my head, I rev the engine and take off, heading for nowhere in particular, merely letting the wind soothe the restlessness inside me. Well, trying to. Seems a certain petite woman has gotten under my skin more than I’d like to admit. Now, with no one around, I can admit it to myself— I want Ally as mine.
Will I allow myself to have her? No, I won’t. I don’t deserve to have someone love me nor do I want to experience the pain of losing someone else. My heart couldn’t take it again.
Might make me a pussy, but fuck it, I don’t give a damn. I’m not about to take a chance with it again. Not when my heart is barely beating as it is.
Hitting the throttle, I speed down the road, not worrying about the dangerous curves or of the law in the area. They only worry about two things in this area— keeping drugs out and murder. The last thing the pigs want to worry about is if you’re going fifty in a twenty-five. Sure, every once in awhile, someone will get pulled over, but mainly it’s to keep their numbers up. The entire system is a joke from what Lynsdey’s cousin Bishop has said. It’s one of the reasons he left the force after solving the case of his uncle’s murder.
By the time I stop to fill up, I realize I went farther than I planned. Fuck, my head is screwed up more than I thought. I run a hand through my longer than normal hair, feeling the knots in it. Damnit, I’d forgotten to pull it back. Usually I have it short, more of a messy hair look, but not getting it cut recently, it’s long enough that I ended up stealing one of Ally’s hair ties she’d left in my room one night after we’d been watching movies.
“What the fuck am I gonna do?” I mutter to myself as I finish filling the tank.
“You could always go for the girl,” a woman’s voice says from the other side of the pumping station.
“I’m sorry,” I ask, furrowing my brow as I take in the older woman. She almost reminds me of my own grandma. The woman even has the same hairstyle. I wonder if she has the same smart-ass mouth as well.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude your thoughts and talking to yourself. I didn’t want the folks looking on to think you’re some crazy person needing the psych ward.” Yep, the woman could almost be my grandmother. “Name’s Jackie,” she says, holding her hand out.
“Burner,” I said with a grin as I take her hand.
“Well, Burner, how about you treat an old lady to a beer and tell me all about it. Maybe I can give you some insight into your problems,” Jackie states softly, but the look she gives me tells me not to say no.
“Sure.” Nodding, I get on my bike and follow her over to the bar where I park next to her. Climbing off my girl, I move toward Jackie, doing what my very own grandma ingrained into me a long time ago to always help a woman in and out of vehicles and holding doors. See, I’m not always an asshole. At least not to my elders. Other people are another story.
Glancing at the front of the bar, I take in the ordinary sign that says ‘THE BAR.’ Okay, where the fuck did I end up?
“Now, tell me all your woes, Burner, and don’t leave anything out,” Jackie demands as we sit down at the bar and order a drink.
“Not much to tell,” I grumble as I lift the drink the bartender places in front of me.
“I call bullshit,” she states, calling me out.
Sighing, I shake my head and open up. I tell her everything from growing up to falling for Janey, then graduating high school and going into the military. I go on to spill the worst days of my life, leaving out the death parts of the story, and how I couldn’t even look at Janey as she laid in the casket.
My chest feels heavy the more I talk. Fast forwarding, I move on
to telling Jackie about Ally and how I met her, the way she makes me feel. As I explain this to her, it dawns on me— I do love Ally, maybe more so than I did Janey and that there makes me feel shittier than I ever thought possible.
I swore to my Janey no one could replace her. No one will be allowed to have a piece of my heart.
“You know what I think,” Jackie asks as I finish telling her everything.
“What’s that?” I ask, quirking a brow in her direction.
“You are full of shit to think you can’t love again. I lost my first love a long time ago, thought the same thing as you. But you know what? I met a man who came into my life and healed the broken pieces of my heart. Sure, I put up a fight against it, feeling I’d betrayed my Andrew. It took a long time for me to cave and nowadays I wish I’d caved a lot earlier. Maybe then I’d have had a child with him,” Jackie says, patting my hand as she signals the bartender with her other.
“How come you didn’t?” The question slips from my mouth before I can stop myself.
“Because I’d let the feelings of betrayal hold me back for too long, when I finally gave Mitch my heart to hold, I was too old to have children,” she murmurs, the hint of sadness drifting off her.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter as I think over all that she’s saying.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Son, just take my advice and go get the girl. Your Janey will understand the same as you need to. She’s gone and you're alive. It’s time to move forward. Doesn’t mean she won’t hold a special place in your heart, but all the same, there’s room for both,” Jackie declares.
As I take in her words, the two of us sit at the bar in silence, yet my mind is louder than the music coming from the jukebox.
“Thank you,” I grumble.
“No problem at all. Now, how about I have you and this Ally over for dinner one night?” she asks, smiling as if we’ve known each other for years.
Grinning over at her, I can’t deny her. “How could I say no to an offer like that?” I laugh.
“Well, considering I’ve decided to declare you my grandson, I expect you to be at my table once a week,” she says with a serious look on her face.
“You know my brothers would end up following me and sitting at your table as well, right?” My lip twitches as I inform her of this. She can already see I belong to a club from the cut I’m wearing, but I’d also told her about joining the Devil’s Riot MC.
“I look forward to it. Now, give me your number and I’ll shoot you my address. I expect you at my table Sunday evening at six p.m. sharp. Got me?” she states.
“Yes, ma’am, I’ll be there,” I say, nodding.
“None of that ma’am mess. Call me Grams,” she declares as I put my number in the phone she holds out for me.
“Guess I’ll see you Sunday, Grams,” I chuckle.
“You best be there. If not, I have no problem coming to your clubhouse and dragging you out by your ear. Those other men wouldn’t even try to stop me for fear I’d whip their asses as well. Now, get going and call me if you need me before then,” Jackie says, waving her hand dismissively.
“You got it, Grams,” I state as I stand from the stool and, pulling my wallet out, I throw a hundred on the bar. Leaning forward, I give Jackie a kiss on the cheek. “See you Sunday.”
Stepping outside, the sun is already set as I make my way to my bike. Straddling my girl, I take a moment to come to terms with what just occurred. Did I just gain an honorary grandma? Guess I did since I can’t help feeling some form of emotion for the old lady. My brothers won’t believe this shit. For that matter, neither will Ally when I tell her she’s coming to dinner at Grams’ house Sunday.
Smiling to myself, I soak in the setting sun while thinking of Ally. I suppose Jackie’s right— I shouldn’t let any more time go by where it regards her. I’m in love with Ally and it’s time to claim my woman.
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll find my absolution. Or at least something close to it.
Chapter Three
Ally
Five days of living on my own and I swear it’s as if I can’t get a peaceful night’s sleep. I never really slept through the night due to nightmares. The only time I ever did was when I knew Burner was near. I’d hear the door to his room and instantly calm down enough to sleep at least somewhat better.
“How’s the new house coming along?” Emerson asks as she works her magic on me. I still don’t know how she’s conned me into letting her color my hair, yet at the same time I’m loving what she’s doing.
It makes me feel as if I am becoming a completely new person. Not only is Em coloring my hair, she’s doing the whole shebang— cut, color, and style.
However, I also think this is her way of getting me alone from the others to talk. At the clubhouse, she and I weren’t able to talk much alone without the other women being around. I’m still not completely comfortable with all of them, not even now with Emerson, but I do my best for my brother’s sake.
“I guess it’s okay. I’ve gotten what I had at the clubhouse unpacked. I figured I’ll slowly get furniture as I go. I mean, it’s only me so all I really need is my bed and books,” I murmur, not wanting her to know the real reason.
No one needs to know about Casimir and the threat against them if I don’t go to him.
Buying my house and moving out, it’s all a ploy to keep them from knowing what’s coming. Since I’m unaware of Casimir’s latest location, and he didn’t give me one in his letter, this was the best I could do. He’ll come for me, and when he does, I won’t have to worry about him going after those I care about the most.
“That’s good, I suppose. What if we went shopping this weekend for furniture? See if we can’t find you a couch at least,” Emerson suggests.
“Oh, I’m working this weekend,” I say as a way of declining her invitation. I can’t take the chance of her and I shopping. I mean, look what happened the last time— Emerson’s best friend Nora was shot, and she’d ended up being kidnapped.
I don’t need or want another repeat, especially when she’s pregnant.
“What day are you off? We can go then,” she asks.
“I’ll have to look at my schedule,” I tell her. Thankfully, I’m not facing the mirror so she couldn’t see the lie for what it was.
“Okay, just let me know. Let’s get you finished up. Swear this color is gonna just make your eyes pop and the men want to jump your bones.” Giggling, Emerson guides me over to her washing station in order to rinse my hair out. I don’t know how long you’re supposed to wait, but it’s felt like forever since she put the stuff in.
Nothing else is said as Emerson runs her fingers through my hair. Wow, this feels wonderful. Closing my eyes, I soak in the gentleness as a memory comes forward.
“Ally, you’re the best sister in the world,” Hayden says, running his fingers through my hair as he soothes me. I’d come home from my friend’s birthday party in tears after spending the entire time being picked on and bullied by the other kids. Being as tall as I am and towering over the other girls and boys my age, I’d been the center of all their jokes. They’d even joked about how I shouldn’t be allowed to hit the piñata.
The worst part was when the boy I had a crush on, and I thought he’d liked me, told all his friends I was the Jolly Green Giant who needed to climb back up my stalk. Evidently, being tall wasn’t the only thing wrong with me. The fact my boobs were too small and I didn’t have a butt made me nothing more than a stick with legs.
“No, I’m not,” I finally sob.
“Yeah, you are,” Hayden whispers as he continues to run his fingers through my hair. “Don’t let what others say about you bring you down. Think of it this way— they’re jealous of you because you have something they don’t, pride in yourself.” Hayden continues to tell me all the good qualities I have.
The more he spoke, the better I felt. Hayden and I have always been close. I don’t think I could make it in life without him. He’s my rock.
“Come on, Ally, time to finish you up,” Emerson says, drawing me out of the memory of Hades and I when we were kids.
Nodding, I follow her back to the chair I’d been sitting in and let her do the finishing touches, which includes blow-drying. Finally, when she’s done, I am allowed to see myself in the mirror.
At first glance, I don’t believe the woman in the mirror is me. Only when I lift one of my hands to touch the purplish burgundy locks do I know it’s me. Emerson really did work magic. I can hardly recognize myself.
“I may not know the exact things you’re feeling, but I do know what it’s like to feel all alone. Even when people are surrounding us. That’s how I felt after Hades helped me escape the first time as well as when they rescued me from Booker. The nightmares still haunt me on the nights Hades isn’t there to fight them off. I get it, Ally. Just know you’re not alone.” Meeting Emerson’s gaze in the mirror, I can see the sincerity in her words.
“Thank you,” I whisper as a tear slides down my cheek.
“It’s nothing to thank me for. We’re family, and besides, having a new look always helps soothe the soul,” she murmurs.
Speechless, I simply nod and stare at the new me. If I were able to enjoy it, I’d be all for re-creating myself into a completely new person. I’d started to, honestly, with my tattoos and as much as I’d love to get more, I fear anyone seeing the rest of me.
The heinous parts of me that no one should have to endure the sight of.
“How much do I owe you?” I finally ask minutes later in an attempt to get my mind out of the dark place.
“Like I said, Ally, you’re family, you don’t pay here.” Shrugging, Emerson goes about her business cleaning up her station as I nod my head.
She might not want to be paid for what she’s done, but I’ll leave a big enough tip in the jar at the receptionist's desk to cover it. I don’t want to feel as if I’m receiving handouts or becoming a charity case. That’s never been me. It’s also probably why I survived as long as I have, refusing to beg for them to leave me alone.
