by JM Stewart
Maddie poured two glasses of red wine, then moved around the island, setting a glass in front of Cassie. She dropped into a chair across from her and grinned. “So?”
Cassie took a sip of her wine before answering. “I went over to see him. I told him the truth about our girls’ night out.”
“He wasn’t mad, I take it?” Gaze on his task, Gray pulled down plates from a cabinet and began to fill each with a small pile of noodles.
A fierce heat climbed into her cheeks. Cassie averted her gaze to her wine, swirling the dark liquid in the clear glass. “Ooh, I wouldn’t say that. More like jealous.”
Across from her, Maddie grinned ear to ear. “Oh, I love it when Gray gets jealous. So damn sexy.”
“I really should tan your hide for teasing me all the time, you know.” Gray shot a frown over his shoulder.
Maddie turned her head and blew him a kiss. “Sorry, baby, but it’s sexy.” She faced Cassie again and waggled her brows, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. “I’m guessing by the look on your face it was fantastic.”
Cassie couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. “Truthfully? It was incredible, and as much as I know I shouldn’t have, I can’t regret it.”
It hadn’t occurred to her, either, until after she’d left Tyler’s house that they hadn’t used a condom. The possibility of a pregnancy tied her stomach in knots. She wasn’t even sure she wanted kids yet, and if she ever really lost him, she’d be left to raise his child alone.
She looked at her glass, staring into the murky liquid, melancholy rising over her. “I agreed to go out with him. Technically, I owe him, per the rules of the auction, but…”
Maddie nodded, a knowing look in her eyes. “But it’s not exactly a hardship.”
Cassie sighed. “I’m looking forward to spending time with him.” More than she had words to express. She ached even now thinking about it. Where he’d take her, where the night would end. “But I’m scared. If the psychiatric evaluations clear him enough for that job, it means he’ll be going back. I know he won’t be on the front line, but innocent people have died in this war. Reporters who put their lives on the line for their stories. Civilians in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
More than she needed air to breathe, she needed Tyler to stay safe.
“Is it terrible that I hope they won’t clear him? That he’ll be forced to take a desk job instead?” Just saying the words out loud added to the guilt trapped in her chest. What kind of person bet against the man she loved?
“No. It doesn’t. You’re afraid of losing him again. That makes you human.” Gray picked up two plates off the counter and moved into the dining room. After setting them in front of her and Maddie, he settled his right hand on Cassie’s shoulder. “Let it go. Enjoy the time you have with him.”
Cassie tipped her head back to peer up at Gray. Truth was, she was terrified. She’d spent three years trying to deny it, but making love to Tyler only served to prove that he owned her. “That’s exactly the problem, Gray. I don’t know if I’ll be able let him go. I don’t know how.”
Three years and she hadn’t managed it, even when she thought she’d lost him.
Gray dropped his hand from her shoulder and folded his arms instead. “Stop thinking so damn much. Stop holding back. Tell the man you love him. Tell him everything you haven’t. Because I know you. If the worst happens—”
“Way to be helpful.” Cassie rolled her eyes.
He frowned and shook his head. “No, I mean it. If he goes over there and dies this time, you won’t be able to forgive yourself.”
* * *
Her screams echoed off the walls. Cries filled with agony and terror as she pleaded for mercy between her sobs.
Cassie. They had Cassie. God only knew what they were doing to her, but her screams filled with increased terror, with more pain than the last.
Vile laughter echoed down the hall. The joy in the laugh fueled the blaze burning through him.
“Cassie!” He screamed her name, praying somehow it would help, and hurled his entire body weight against the door. It gave a dull rattle but didn’t budge.
Pain reverberated up his arm into his shoulder, and he swore under his breath, stumbling back a step.
Another scream pierced the air, this one filled with an abject terror that his shredded insides. He closed his eyes, his chest squeezing until he couldn’t breathe.
* * *
“Tyler, honey, wake up.”
The soft, feminine voice called from somewhere beyond, like the wispy call of a ghost. He became vaguely aware of a different room around him now, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get his eyes to open or focus.
“Tyler, honey, wake up.”
The voice called again, the familiar sound of it wrapping around him, luring him, but who the voice belonged to eluded him.
“Cassie…”
His voice sounded foreign to him, the word barely leaving past the lump in his throat. He swallowed and turned his head, tried to pry his eyes open, but couldn’t make his heavy lids obey.
“No, honey. It’s Mom. Wake up, sweetheart.”
This time, a hand gripped his shoulder, shaking him, and his eyes snapped open. A dark shadow sat beside him, the slender figure small and thin. The room had darkened, the light drifting in from beyond the doorway leaving the face cast in shadow. A hand reached out, and the images and sounds snapped into his thoughts, flashing in his mind’s eye, there and gone.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” Heart pounding, his breaths coming in pants, he scrambled backward, desperately scanning the room around him as he tried to make out his surroundings. Where the hell was he? Had they moved him again?
He came up against the cold hard press of a wall. Trapped. They had him trapped. His heart hammered in his throat, the sound a dull pounding in his ears. Dizziness swept over him, panic clawing its way up his limbs.
The hand dropped. “It’s Mom, sweetheart. You’re safe. You’re safe, Tyler. Do you hear me? You’re safe, honey. You’re home, and you’re safe.”
Her soft, familiar voice finally broke through the haze. His eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, allowing him to make out the familiar shape of her face, neck, and shoulders as she perched on the side of his bed.
He sucked in a relieved breath and dragged a hand over his face. “Jesus.”
He couldn’t stop shaking, and sweat soaked the T-shirt he’d worn to bed, plastering it to his body. He closed his eyes for a moment and drew several deep breaths in an effort to calm the fierce thumping of his heart.
Her soft hand settled over his, where it lay on the bed beside him. “I should have turned the light on. I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t think.”
“What’d I do this time?” As his heart returned to a more normal beat, he opened his eyes and turned his head, focusing on his mother’s form beside him. The light from the hallway spilled into his room, illuminating her from behind.
“You were calling out for Cassie. Were you dreaming about her again?”
He rubbed a hand over his face, his fingers sliding over the wetness on his cheeks. Shame crept over him. He’d been crying in his sleep, like he was a goddamn fucking five-year-old having a bad dream, which wasn’t far from the truth.
“Yeah.” He dragged in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry I frightened you.”
His mother squeezed his hand. “Oh, sweetie, don’t apologize. It’s okay. I just wish I could still kiss it and make it better.”
He heaved a heavy breath. “What the hell am I going to do, Mom? We have a date on Saturday. She wants me to stay. How the hell am I going to stay with her knowing she’ll see this crap?”
“Talk to her, honey. Have you told her what nights are like for you? Have you told her about the PTSD?”
“I don’t want her to see this. The last thing I need is for her to see exactly how fucked up I am. I don’t sleep. When the phone rings I jump out of my goddamn skin. Most nights, I sleep with the li
ght on like I’m still five years old. I can’t stand being in a closed room. Just taking the elevator up to her penthouse makes me claustrophobic. If she sees this crap? God, I don’t want to know what she’ll think of me then. She’ll leave me for sure.”
“You don’t give her enough credit. She may not want to admit it yet, but she loves you. You have to trust that. It’s part of love, honey. If you want to marry her, then you’re going to have to learn to trust her with the hard stuff. I guarantee she’ll surprise you.” His mother rose from the bed and bent over him, kissing his forehead. “It’ll be okay. I promise. You’ll get through this. Talk to her.”
She straightened and turned to leave the room.
“Mom?”
She paused at the doorway, one hand on the frame, and looked back at him. “What do you need, sweetie?”
“Turn the light on before you go?” Yeah, asking was damn childish. He might as well have been ten years old again, but he slept better with the light on.
“Sure, honey.”
Chapter Seven
Cassie stared at the darkened ceiling above her. It was Friday night. Although it was past midnight and the jewelry store had been swamped today, she couldn’t sleep for the life of her. Her date with Tyler was tomorrow night, and she was a neurotic mess. Her heart had taken a permanent place in her throat.
Her phone buzzed from its spot on her nightstand. Still as wide awake as she’d been when she’d climbed into bed an hour ago, she reached over and picked it up, glancing at the screen. The text came from an unknown number, though the message itself left little doubt that number belonged to Tyler. Reading his words made her smile.
253-420-1763: Welcome to my new phone. :)
Only Tyler would send her a text without explaining who he was. He damn well knew she’d recognize him a mile away. She ought to put her phone down and go to sleep, answer him tomorrow. The part of her still terrified of losing him kept insisting she needed to keep him guessing. Keep up the façade that she didn’t care about him. If she didn’t care, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much when he eventually left again.
Except she lacked the desire. The time had long since passed to start being honest, with herself and Tyler. He deserved the truth.
Simply seeing his message had her heart tripling its beat, though, and her mind rewinding to their encounter on Sunday. Barely four days had passed, but she’d missed him, in large part because she’d spent three years thinking she’d never see him again. There would never be enough time with him.
Her fingers were punching in a reply before she’d even made the decision to answer him.
Cass: Who’s this?
She meant to tease him, but a good thirty seconds passed before his reply came back.
253-420-1763: 2 many boyfriends 2 keep track of?
Cassie bit her lower lip. The awful guilt rose over her again. Damn. Apparently, he wasn’t in the mood for a tease.
Cass: Only teasing. Ur just an unknown number on my end. NM. Bad joke.
While she waited for his reply and prayed he’d forgive her for being an idiot, she added his new number to her contacts.
Tyler: Not funny.
Cassie sighed. Clearly, he hadn’t forgiven her.
Cass: I said I was SRY.
Tyler: U can make it up 2 me 2moro.
The mention of their date set her heart hammering again, though whether in fear or excitement she couldn’t be sure. A heady dose of arousal had her body amped up. She wanted to wrap herself around him, make love to him until she couldn’t walk anymore. But could she truly stop at spending only one night with him? Let him go when it was over?
Before she could think of a proper reply, another message popped onto her screen.
Tyler: Ur up late. Can’t sleep?
Cass: No
Tyler: Me neither. Want some company?
She wanted to scream yes. She wanted, needed, the solid warmth of his body against her. Needed his cock buried deep inside of her. She ached to make up for lost time by making love to him as many times—and in as many ways—as possible. If only to be as close to him as she could. If she had only one night with him, then she wanted as much as she could get.
Except she wanted more than he was clearly ready to give. She needed him to stay. To wake up in the morning to his warmth beside her in bed. In which case she had to be honest with him now.
Cass: Will u stay?
She already knew the answer, but her heart sank in anticipation of it anyway.
Several seconds passed in aching silence before his reply came back.
Tyler: Baby, I can’t.
Cassie closed her eyes, dejection and pain seeping through her chest. It hurt. Of all the men she’d slept with in the last three years, she needed him to stay, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t even tell her why. He kept telling her he wouldn’t stop fighting for her, yet there were distinct parts of himself he kept hidden. Things he refused to tell her. It had begun to make her doubt again. Was he just toying with her? Was this all just some elaborate revenge scheme?
She pulled up his number and hit the CALL button. He picked up after the first ring, but Cassie didn’t wait for him to speak. “I stopped being somebody’s plaything months ago. If that’s all the good I am to you, then this isn’t going to work.”
It was a harsh thing to say to him, but she needed him to know. If he meant to hurt her, to pay her back for turning down his proposal three years ago, he’d hit his mark.
He let out a heavy sigh. “You’re not a plaything to me, Cassie. You know that.”
He paused, silence echoing along the line. Some part of her brain told her to hang up, but her heart hung on his answer, and she could only lie there and try not to cry.
“I still have that ring, you know. I took it with me, and I keep it in my pocket. I wanted something that reminded me of you. When I look at it, I see the last time I made love to you, before I deployed. You were lying on my chest, dozing. That’s the night I knew I wanted you. All of you.”
His voice drifted over the line low and conversational, as if he were telling her about his day, but the undercurrent of need caught her.
A single tear escaped the dam, and she closed her eyes, trying to breathe through the pain squeezing at her chest. “Then why won’t you stay?”
The words left her mouth with far more of her heart than she’d intended to give him. He had her, had her damn heart on a string.
He went silent. For so long she wondered if he’d even tell her. Sex was apparently where they’d become comfortable. She ought to be happy for that. It kept him at the distance she needed. So her heart wouldn’t get any more wrapped up in him than it already was. It was a date. A chance to make up for what happened three years ago. But she wasn’t ready for more.
Except every time he told her he wouldn’t stay, it ate away at her. Any other man, she had no problem with them leaving. If they didn’t want to stay, she was perfectly fine with that. Tyler was different. He was the one man who held her heart in the palm of his hands. A man with the power to break it. And here she was, just handing it to him.
Something rustled on the other end of the line, and Tyler drew a heavy breath. “It’s too raw. Those three years are all I see now. It’s everywhere, in everything I do. Every morning I wake up, it’s like I’m still there. You want to know why I won’t stay? That’s it. Because if I actually manage to sleep, I usually wake up forgetting where I am. When I do sleep, I dream. Mom says I yell in my sleep. The last time she tried to wake me in the middle of a nightmare, I lashed out at her before I realized it was her. The last thing I want is for you to see that. God forbid you touch me and I react the wrong way. If I ever hurt you…”
As his quiet spoken words settled over her, her heart clenched. In guilt. In worry. More than that, though, an aching sadness crept into her heart. Here she was, thinking only of herself, and he bared his pain, shared his demons with her. Clearly he had PTSD. What had he been through over there that he was afraid to
sleep? That he didn’t trust himself not to hurt her? Oh, she knew he would never hurt her, but clearly he didn’t, and the knowledge only made her need him more. She wanted to curl around him and hold him, make him feel safe again.
To show him what she already knew.
To have him close now was like being handed a dream. Her heart wanted to grab on to any little bit of him he’d give her, any tiny little shred of time. Where would that leave her in the end, though? What if he went over there and died this time?
The girls were right, though. If she wanted him to be honest with her, she had to give him the same in return. It’s what she decided when she’d gone to see him Sunday morning, right? So the words left her mouth on a desperate need to hear his response. “And I need to wake up beside you in the morning. I need coffee over donuts and a kiss goodbye before you leave.”
He went silent, aching seconds passing where only the sound of his breathing filled the awfulness sitting between them. They were strangers again.
“A man needs his dignity, Cass. They took everything from me. My freedom. My ability to live a normal life. I can’t even do my job anymore. The army was my life, yet outside of telling them where I was held, I’m useless to them. Because I can’t even make it through the day. Is that what you wanted to know? It sure as hell doesn’t make me proud to say it. To have the woman I’m trying to impress know I came back half the man I used to be…they may as well have lopped off my balls while they were at it.”
The dejection in his voice cut her to the quick. He bared a wound that stabbed at her heart like a knife. She hadn’t expected him to tell her that, and as she struggled with what to say in return, the silence filled with a tension of the wrong kind. More tears escaped, rolling back into her hairline.
“I honestly didn’t think you’d tell me that. I…” The right words wouldn’t leave past the lump in her throat. Shame rose up her neck, flooding her face with a burning heat. She swallowed hard and tried again. “I was afraid you’d tell me you didn’t want to stay.”
