The Crazy Cat Lady on Elderberry Lane

by Janus DiWitkey

  Ok, I’ve been listening and listening and I still can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’ve listened to the interview three times already and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what I’m hearing.

  I think what I’ll do is just transcribe everything here and leave it at that.

  Any other way I try to explain what’s happened will not make sense.

  It doesn’t make sense anyway.

  It’s too crazy.

  It’s absolutely insane.

  And I’m feeling really afraid now. I’ve suspected that I was in danger before, but I never could have imagined to what extent. I never realized what could happen to me.

  It is too much for my mind to comprehend. It is too much to believe and take as fact and not as fiction. But it’s true, it’s all there, and now that I listen to it, I do remember bits and pieces of what happened.

  I’ll try to transcribe everything tomorrow. I can’t begin to do it right now. It’s too much for me to handle. It’s too much of a mind-fuck to even think about what may be happening to me here.

  I’m really not feeling very well. I’m tired and achy and nauseous. I have a headache and I feel like I did one time a couple of years ago when I was home from school for two weeks with a bad case of the flu.

  My mom was there with me taking care of me the whole time. Feeding me hot tea and soup, putting a cool washcloth on my forehead and holding back my hair when I threw up.

  She isn’t here with me now though. I’m crying for her as I type this out. I want my mom. I want to go home.

  Tuesday December 24th, 2013- CHRISTMAS EVE

  Today is Christmas Eve. This is my second favorite holiday of the year, and tomorrow is my first favorite.

  I should be home right now, getting ready for the festivities. I should be doing some last minute shopping and helping mom bake the Christmas cookies that we bake together every year.

  It’s a holiday tradition in our home and has been every year as far back in my life as I can remember.

  We put on Christmas music, and we bake Christmas Cookies. The traditional ones, the ones made from scratch, rolled out onto a wooden cutting board and cut out with those cute little cookie cutters. The ones shaped like Christmas trees and toy trains, and angels.

  I won’t be doing that today. What I’m doing today is transcribing the interview I’ve been listening to from my mini-recorder.

  I bought that recorder just for the interview with Ellie.

  It cost a lot of money, but I figured it would be worth it as it was something that I would surely use throughout college and perhaps once I started my career as well.

  I think I mentioned before that my goal in life was to help others. I had planned on becoming a Psychologist who would treat people with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorders.

  I became interested in that because I had a bit of trouble in that area when I was growing up. My fixations were in compulsive hand washing, sometimes dozens of times per hour each day. I also had a bit of a hoarding problem. I would collect the most inane things, rubber bands, paper clips, and empty toilet paper rolls, stuff like that.

  When my mom discovered my hoarded stash of ‘treasures’ underneath my bed and realized the true extent of my problems, she took me to a therapist and a psychiatrist. Between counseling and medication I overcame all of that and decided that one day I too would help others suffering in silence the way I did for so long.

  With that being said, let me share the contents of the interview. I will now begin to transcribe it from the recorder. It is taking me a long time to do, because my fingertips are hurting and some of my fingernails are peeling away and beginning to bleed.

  The typing is hurting my fingers and even the slight movement of hitting the space bar is becoming quite bothersome. My thumbs are really hurting me too.

  I will note “E” for Ellie when she is speaking. I will also note my questions and replies to Ellie’s answers during the interview transcription as simply “Me”.

  What follows here is the transcript of my interview with Ellie. At first I was saddened at the extent of her illness, and later became uneasy with what I was hearing.

  Looking back on it now and knowing what I know now and didn’t know then, I’m just scared as hell.

  --- BEGINNING OF TRANSCRIPT ---

  Me: Today is Saturday, October 5th, 2013 and I’m sitting here at the home of Miss Eleanor Siegfried of Wisconsin. May I say what a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance Miss Siegfried.

  E: Oh please just call me Ellie, everybody does.

  Me: Ok fine, then Ellie. As you know, I contacted you through the college I attend and was hoping to have a discussion with you pertaining to your love and devotion of cats? I understand from your television interview that you currently own 127 of them, is that correct?

  E: Oh yes ma’am, 127 cute little fur babies, love ‘em all too.

  Me: Ma’am makes me sound old Ellie, please just call me Marla.

  E: Okey Dokey Marla. Pretty name, were you named after that Marla Thomas by any chance?

  Me: Um, no actually Ellie, that actresses name is Marlo Thomas. Marla was the name of my grandmother. That is who I’m named after. But, let’s talk about you and your cats, shall we?

  E: Sure, that’s why you’re here isn’t it? Before we start, have some of my tea dear. I blend it myself you know. It’ll fix all that ails you.

  Me: Thank you Ellie. It is quite delicious actually.

  E: Don’t I know it! I have an herb garden out back. I grow my own everything, you see. It’s hard to get out much to shop in town. Living all the way out here as I do, I tend to try and live off of the land as much as possible. Me and my cats, that’s all I need. Makes me happy, ya know?

  Me: Yes Ellie, I understand. Can you tell me how and when this all started. This cat obsession, that is.

  E: Well, I don’t really look at it as an obsession as you call it. I just think that animals are better than people in most ways, you know. They love you, no matter what. No matter what you look like or how you live. They don’t ever poke fun at you. You know, kids in school, they used to always make fun of me. My family, we didn’t have much money I guess, so they couldn’t dress me like the other fancy girls did in school. I never did have any friends either, just my cats. I guess that’s when it all started for me. When I was about 12 or so, started bringing home strays and such. My mom, she was a good woman, she loved animals too. She let me keep them all.

  This is the family home you know, right where we’re sitting. After momma and daddy, well, after I lost them, I got this place and kept it. It’s a lot of work, but I make due. I get by and I don’t ever even get lonely or anything, because I’ve got my cats for company.

  Me: I understand that Ellie, I have two cats at home myself, and…

  E: YOU DO??? Oh how exciting! Tell me all about them!

  Me: Well, they are both domestic shorthaired cats. One is black and white, a male named Mickey and the other is a female tiger-striped tabby named Minnie.

  E: Oh how sweet! The black and white cats are called Tuxedo cats! Did you know that? They are my favorite kind of cat. Do you have pictures of your cats?

  Me: Um, no Ellie I don’t, but can we get back to you, please? What can you tell me about the cats you currently own?

  E: Well, first of all, it’s hard for me to believe you actually have any cats of your own dear, because as you know, they own you, you never really own a cat.

  Me: Yes, I’ve heard that before, but I can assure you Eleanor, that I do own my cats, they do not own me.

  E: It’s Ellie please! Don’t call me Eleanor. Do you know how I was made fun of all through school because of that name?

  Me: Yes, I heard the story on the television segment you did on the animal hoarding show. Children can be so cruel to one another Ellie. I’m very sorry you had to experience that.

  E: Those stupid Beatles, and that stupid stupid song! Do you like that song Marla?

  Me: I do, I love th
e Beatles, but let’s talk about your cats now, ok?

  E: Stupid, stupid Beatles….oh my cats, ok, well, what do you want to know about them?

  Me: Well, for one thing? Why do you have so many of them? Surely even you can see that having 127 cats is a bit … much, don’t you think?

  E: No, no I don’t, not at all, why would you say such a thing to me?

  Me: I’m sorry Ellie; I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that, with so many of them, how can you offer them the individual care they deserve? How can you know if one of them are even sick or, off of its food?

  E: Cats are very independent creatures, Miss Anderson. They can survive better than we can if they have to.

  Me: Yes, but, they don’t have to, be on their own, I mean. How do you care for so many of them?

  E: Well, like I said, I grow my own and they have lots and lots of land to run around on. You can see outside, all the room they have. Most of them are here in the house right now; they don’t like the cold weather. Some of them, they are from warmer climates, you know like California and Florida and they don’t like the Wisconsin winters at all. No they don’t, they don’t like the cold and snow one bit. They stay in, curl up by the fireplace, ya know, they’re all very happy.

  Me: What do you mean some are from warmer climates? A cat is a cat, Ellie.

  E: Oh, well ya know, some of them were … adopted … from the area of California and Florida. It’s where they grew up and it’s what they became used to, you know.

  Me: I don’t know and I was hoping you’d explain it to me. Do you take in strays or do you actively search out different locations, shelters, to adopt your cats?

  E: Oh, they’ve always found their way to me Marla. Every single one of them.

  Me: I see, well, do you have friends who visit? Family?

  E: No no no no, it’s only my cats and me. I’ve lived in different places and, well, the busy bodies would come around and, try and tell me I had too many cats. It was always against some county ordinance or some stupid thing like that and I’d be told that I had to get rid of them or leave. So, that’s what I’d do, I’d just leave. I had big houses with big yards and plenty of room for my cats but people just can’t ever seem to mind their own business, you know what I mean, Marla? That’s the thing about people! They can never just mind their own damn business, that’s why cats are better. All animals are better. Some are better than others. I have horses too, have you seen my horses? I’ll take you out to the barn if you’d like. I’ve had goats and pigs too, but it just seems like I always go back to liking cats the best. Know what I mean dear?

  Me: Sure Ellie, cats are the best I guess. So, are you trying to tell me that you’ve lost touch with friends and family because of your… devotion… to your cats?

  E: I don’t need anything or anyone else Marla. These cats are my friends and my family.

  Me: How did they find you Ellie, you mentioned they always seem to find their way to you. Can you explain that a little bit in more detail, please?

  E: Oh sure, I’d be glad to, but here, have a bit more tea. Also, have some of these cookies, chocolate chip, made from scratch.

  Me: Thanks, delicious. Now, please explain.

  E: Oh ok, well let’s see, where shall I begin. If you’ll look around you, you’ll see many of my fur-babies, that’s what I call them really, they are my babies after all. See how they’re all a little bit exotic looking?

  Come here sweetie. This is Barbara, look at the curly hair she has. Very rare, I’ll bet you’ve never seen a cat with such curly hair before have you?

  Me: No, not really. Go on.

  E: Here’s Thomas. He’s the only hairless cat that I have, aren’t you my sweetheart?

  Here is Gerilyn; don’t you just love her coloring? She has such bright red hair, doesn’t she?

  Here is Maria, she’s not too exotic looking I guess, just boring brown, but she’s very lovable anyway.

  This is Sue-Lee, one of my many Siamese cats. Doesn’t she have beautiful blue eyes? Aren’t they just striking!??

  Oh, here’s one of my favorites. This is Sam; look at how he has an almost multi-colored Mohawk on the top of his little head. Isn’t that just the cutest little thing? I’ve never seen a cat with a multi-colored Mohawk before, have you?

  Me: No I haven’t, Ellie, it really is something. All of these cats are so…. different, whatever the word is, I can’t quite place it, but, it’s almost… I don’t want to offend you, but it’s almost like they are all …

  E: What dear, what are you trying to say?

  Me: It’s almost like they’re abnormal…. They all have people’s names and they all look like… I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like… Did you ever see those pictures of people that look like their pets? It’s like that! Like this one here especially, like this, what’s his name, this one?

  E: Sam

  Me: Yes, Sam. Like, he would go together well with some, punk rocker kind of guy who wears one of those big crazy Mohawks on the top of his head, know what I mean?

  E: Exactly! I look for something that would stand out when I decide to … adopt… one of my fur-babies. I enjoy cats that have human qualities in their appearance. Take you for example dear. You would be a beautiful cat.

  Me: What do you mean?

  E: Well, look at you, you’re beautiful.

  Me: Thank you Ellie, but….

  E: You have such striking black hair and I love the way you’ve colored the sides of it and your bangs in platinum blonde. Very beautiful. The colors black and white together, the way you’ve colored your hair, well, it’s just like a black and white cat now, isn’t it dear? Black and white cats are called tuxedo cats- did I tell you that? They are my favorite kind of cat. And, I can’t help but notice; you have one brown eye and one blue eye? How lovely! I’ve never seen that before in a person. I know there are cats like that, but, I’ve never had one, I’d love to someday. I didn’t know that people could be like that too.

  Me: It happens sometimes, it’s called heterochromia and probably more people have it than you think. They usually just wear contact lenses to hide them.

  E: But you don’t.

  Me: No, I like it, it’s part of what makes me, me.

  E: Fantastic attitude dear. Have some more tea and cookies, won’t you?

  Me: Actually I think I’m going to have to cut this meeting short Ellie, I’m not feeling very well.

  E: Oh I’m sorry, would you like to lie down?

  Me: No, no I’ll be fine; I’m going to go now. Whoa, I’m a little dizzy.

  E: Sit back- relax. I’ll go and get you a cool washcloth for your head, be right back, don’t go anywhere Marla dear.

  Here you go, now, doesn’t that feel better?

  Me: It does, thank you. What do you have on this rag? It isn’t water; it smells, I don’t know, kinda medicinal.

  E: Just something I use for … well for when it’s needed.

  Me: I don’t understand, Ellie, what’s going on?

  E: Nothing dear, everything is fine. You wanted to know everything, didn’t you? And soon you will. Why, you don’t realize it yet, but your journey has just begun.

  Me: What are you talking about?

  E: The goodies you’ve eaten today, the tea. It’s how it began for all of them. My cats, my precious fur-babies. You don’t really know where they come from… do you, Marla? All those people, all those busybodies, trying to run my life. Trying to tell me what I can and can’t do. How many cats I can have, in my OWN HOME! The nerve.

  I had a few failures at first. Momma and Daddy were among them. I had to put them to sleep very quickly, poor things. I couldn’t let them suffer. Some of the others too, you know, once the… transformation had taken place, sometimes, things weren’t quite right, you know?

  I had one poor thing transfer over with only one leg, and one time, oh my goodness, that poor thing wound up with two heads and half a dozen ears! And one time, oh it was so sad, I don’t even want to say bu
t the insides were on the outside and, oh, it was just such a mess, I…

  What’s wrong dear? Why are you looking at me like that? I’m not going to hurt you. I promise you it won’t hurt you, much. By now I’ve perfected it you see.

  All my little concoctions, a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. Something in the tea, in the cookies, and of course, the final act, the salve, the salve that’s in the rag, that’s on your forehead, right now!

  Oh, don’t try to run, you won’t get far darling. I know you’re dizzy, it will pass.