Where My Heart Belongs

by Tracie Peterson

  “So you think that if we don’t hash out all the gory details, I’ll go on harboring ill feelings and anger toward you? Is that it?”

  Sunny could hear the defensive tone in Kathy’s question. “I just think it would do us both good to at least talk through the last twelve years.”

  “You weren’t so willing back in June when I asked about whether you had someone waiting for you somewhere—if you had a family.”

  “I know. I was wrong to react the way I did. It’s just that things are very complicated right now.” Sunny put the photo back on the dresser. “When I married Randy, I finally knew what it was to be loved and cared about just for being me.”

  “We loved you that way,” Kathy said matter-of-factly, “but that wasn’t good enough.”

  Sunny hated the way the conversation was going but didn’t know what else to do but push ahead. “I thought I would always be happy. I thought that at last I’d found what it was that was missing at home, and then Randy died. I wanted to die too. I told you they put me in rehab, but what I didn’t tell you was that for the first thirty days I was on suicide watch. I didn’t care about life—it just seemed too painful.”

  Kathy opened her mouth, then must have decided not to comment. She dusted a couple of books while Sunny tried to figure out how to share the truth of her life.

  “Rehab was hard. Not so much because I had to give up the drugs, but because I felt that I had no one. I had to make this work on my own. I had to care enough to quit and stay clean, or it wasn’t going to do any good. The problem was, I hated my reality. Being clean wasn’t pleasurable to me, because when I was clean I could see my miserable life for what it was.”

  “But why should you be any different than the rest of us?” Kathy asked. Her tone had softened and the look on her face suggested she genuinely needed an answer to that question.

  “Didn’t it ever dawn on you, Kathy, that some people just can’t take the pressure? Not everyone is cut out to succeed. Not everyone has the ability to be the next president or Einstein. I always hated it when they’d tell us in school that if we worked hard we could be anything we wanted to be. That’s not true and you know it. I could have worked as hard as humanly possible and I still wouldn’t have ever been able to be a doctor or a scientist. Those things weren’t in me.”

  “But they told us we could be anything we wanted to be,” Kathy reiterated. “Wanted to be. You didn’t want to be a doctor or scientist.”

  “Maybe not, but what if I had wanted to be the president of the United States? There’s nothing that says that by trying my best, as suggested, I could do that. We only get one president every four years. So far most have been lawyers. What are the chances that it could be me—an uneducated woman? One percent? Half a percent?”

  “But if you give up, the chances are zip—zero.”

  “That’s how I felt when the doctors told me I could have a great life if I got clean. Nothing felt great. Nothing looked good. I felt the chances were so small on recovering that I was my own worst enemy.”

  “So what happened?” Kathy put aside the books and gave Sunny her full attention.

  “I was in my last week of rehab. I had kicked my habits and could honestly say that I had no desire to go back to them. Why bother to get high? You’ll just come down and have to get high again in order to keep from facing the truth of the situation. So I felt it was all in vain. Life. Death. Family. Independence. Totally in vain.”

  Sunny walked to the window and pulled back the dusty drape. Outside, rain clouds were gathering to the west. She knew farmers were hurrying to harvest the last of the wheat and murmured a silent prayer that they could complete the job before the weather turned bad.

  “I was sitting outside the rehab center, reading a book, when a man approached me. It turned out to be another doctor. He was there visiting a friend who was kicking heroin.”

  She dropped the drape and leaned against the wall beside the window. “Brian Dennison was unlike anyone I’d ever spent time with. He was educated, gorgeous, kind, and gentle. He really seemed to have it all. And to my surprise, he wanted to know me better. He helped me get an apartment when I got out of the hospital. I had been pleasantly surprised to realize I had money left. Between Randy’s funeral and my rehab, I had figured to be broke. I sold our house and felt like I could manage financially for a time— at least a short time. California prices are outrageous and leave a great deal to be desired.”

  Kathy watched her with intent interest but said nothing. Sunny wondered how she’d take the news she was about to share. “Brian and I dated and had a whirlwind romance. He was very well off. He came from old money, and his practice as a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon was making him wealthy in his own right. Before I knew it we were planning a wedding. A Beverly Hills wedding that spared no expense. I think the final count on all the bills came to over $450,000.”

  Kathy gasped. “For a wedding?”

  Sunny laughed, but there was no joy in it. “Yeah. Sounds pretty crazy, doesn’t it? My dress alone cost $50,000, and it was hardly more than a strapless tube created by a designer who everyone wanted for their next creation.”

  Kathy shook her head. “I can’t even begin to imagine such a thing. When did this happen?”

  “Five years ago. I was twenty-five and he was forty.”

  Kathy wasn’t about to leave it there, and Sunny had known she would want more information. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to be honest about this part of her life.

  “So what happened?” Kathy finally asked.

  Sunny frowned. The pain threatened to take the very air from her lungs. “I didn’t get to be president.”

  SIXTEEN

  SUNNY’S MEMORIES PASSED BACK through the years once again. She could easily place herself back in the elegant Beverly Hills home her husband had bought for them. It was a safe and welcoming home—one that made Sunny feel completely happy. Life had seemed so good. She wore Christian Louboutin shoes and carried an Herme’s bag. She was courted by every important designer, often finding herself traveling in private jets to have fittings and see new ideas. It was a privileged life that she had only dared to dream of— a life that Sunny found both exciting and foreign.

  Pacing impatiently, Sunny waited for Brian to come home from work. He was married to his job as a plastic surgeon, every bit as much as, if not more than, he was to Sunny. When they had married, he’d promised to cut back and spend more time with his new wife, but that hadn’t happened. Sunny had tried to be patient as he cancelled one getaway or evening out after another. She knew that what he contributed to the world was important—much more important than anything she had to offer. But Sunny had news that she hoped would change all of that: she was pregnant.

  The thought of having another baby brought her both joy and sorrow. Baby Gary’s memory still brought her to tears. When she talked about the baby she’d never had a chance to know, it tore at something deep inside. Sometimes it was easier to pretend that part of her life had never happened.

  Now she was pregnant once again and all the old worries and fears came to the surface. What if something happened? What if she lost this baby too? Brian knew all about Sunny’s past and would understand her fears. He would be gentle and loving, because that was the kind of man he was. He would also tell her not to worry, that nothing would happen to cause them grief.

  The sound of the garage door opening stirred excitement in her heart. Sunny had dressed carefully, wearing one of Brian’s favorite outfits. The red Donna Karan dress and strappy sandals had been a gift for her birthday two months ago. She supposed now she wouldn’t be able to wear it for long, but it would always be there after the baby was born.

  The baby.

  Putting her hand to her stomach, Sunny could scarcely believe it. She was going to have a baby. Now Brian would have to spend more time at home. Now things would have to be different. Sunny smiled. He would be so pleased.

  Brian walked in from the garage looking for all th
e world like he’d just accomplished the most amazing feat of his career. He threw her a grin and tossed his jacket to the nearest chair. “Mmm, you look fantastic.”

  Sunny crossed the room and fell into his arms. “I feel fantastic.”

  “Me too. We should celebrate.”

  “I think we should.”

  He nibbled on her ear in the affectionate way Sunny had come to love. “What shall we celebrate?” he asked before trailing kisses down her neck.

  “That we’re going to have a baby,” she whispered.

  Brian pulled back and looked at her in disbelief. “A baby? Are you sure?”

  Sunny giggled. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure. I took two tests just to prove it to myself.”

  He picked her up and twirled her around. “That’s incredible! This is definitely worth celebrating!”

  She laughed and cherished the feeling of being in his arms. “I thought you’d be pleased.”

  “I’m more than pleased. This is the best possible news.”

  When they’d married, Brian had been forty, and now a year later he saw time passing rather quickly. Most of the time it was the woman who worried about her clock ticking, but in this case Brian had made it clear from the start that he wanted children, and wanted them soon. Sunny was happy to oblige him. Despite her fears, she’d longed for a baby since losing Gary.

  “When?” Brian questioned, pulling away from Sunny. “When is the baby due?”

  “Well, you’re the doctor in the family, but by my calculations it should come sometime in late December.”

  “Wow, this is all so fantastic.” He dropped his hold and grabbed his jacket. “We need to go out and have a very expensive night of it.”

  “I’m hoping this will also mean you’ll cut back on your schedule and give more of your work to Rick.” Rick Anniston was Brian’s partner of two years, but so far Brian really wasn’t inclined to share his client list. People came back to Brian because they trusted him, and often Sunny saw Brian risk his own health and well-being to accommodate patients who could have just as easily been handled by Rick. All it would have taken was one word from Brian and things could have been different. She had no idea why he hesitated. It wasn’t like they needed the money. Brian wouldn’t have even had to work if it hadn’t been for his love of surgery.

  “Of course. I’ll talk to Rick tomorrow. I know I’ve been really swamped since we got married, but I promise you, Sunny, things will be different.”

  But when Lucianna Noel Dennison was born on Christmas Day, Sunny endured the birth with no one from the family at her side except Brian’s mother, Nancy. Two floors down, Brian was caught up in some emergency surgery and missed the birth of his daughter. Sunny felt a strange sensation that this was a forerunner of things to come.

  Brian showed up an hour after his mother went home. Sunny held Lucianna in her arms, marveling at the tiny child—wondering how their lives might play out in the future.

  “I’m so sorry, Sunny.” He approached the bed with a dozen pink roses. “I had to take the surgery. It was a child— a little boy who’d run through a plate glass window. It wasn’t easy, but I think he’ll end up looking pretty close to normal. Please forgive me.”

  Sunny smiled. She’d been angry at first, but how could she stay mad when his reason was so altruistic? “I forgive you. I also have someone I want you to meet.”

  Brian leaned down close. “She’s beautiful—just like her mom.”

  “Lucianna Noel, you should open your eyes and meet your father. It might be one of the last times you get to see him.”

  Brian placed a kiss on the baby’s forehead. “No way. I told you I was going to cut back, and I meant it. Rick is going to start taking a third of my patients. I’ve already been talking to some of my people about it and they understand.”

  Sunny felt a surge of happiness. “So maybe we can take that getaway trip? Just you and me and the baby?”

  Brian nodded. “I think you’ve more than earned it.”

  The telephone rang, disrupting the memory and Sunny’s train of thought. Kathy looked at her, as if suggesting they forget the phone, but Sunny suddenly felt rather vulnerable. Now Kathy would ask about Brian and the baby and where they were now.

  “Shouldn’t you get that?” Sunny asked. She got up and fled the room without waiting for Kathy to answer.

  Slapping her hands against her sides, Sunny fought back the urge to scream, thoughts of her daughter nearly bringing her to the edge of hysteria. Lucy was just three and a half and so mature already, speaking full sentences before she was two years old. The ache in Sunny’s heart built with every thought of the little girl, whose dark blue eyes and blond curls were so much like her daddy’s.

  “Oh, Lucy. I’m so sorry.” Sunny ran out the front door and down the driveway. She wanted only to get away. Get as far away as she could from the memories and the pain. The only problem was she took those things with her wherever she went. She couldn’t leave those things behind, because they were an intricate part of who she was and why she was here.

  Kathy will think me completely daft. She’ll wonder how in the world I could possibly be so messed up. But chances were better than not that Kathy had already thought those things long before Sunny had come to Slocum.

  Kathy answered the phone with a great sense of regret. “Hello?”

  “Kathy, it’s Glynnis.”

  “Oh, how are you feeling?” Kathy had called Glynnis the day of the funeral but hadn’t talked to her since.

  “I’m feeling much better. Slow goes it, but I see progress.”

  “I’m so glad to hear that,” Kathy said, sitting on the edge of her parents’ bed.

  “You sound upset. Are you okay?”

  Kathy wondered how much to tell her aunt, then decided to let her know the truth. “Sunny was telling me more about her past. She’s married—at least I think she still is. She married about five years ago and had a daughter named Lucianna. I don’t know much else. He’s a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles and very wealthy.”

  “Oh my.” Glynnis sounded as dumbfounded by the news as Kathy had been.

  “I’m not sure what’s going on with her or why she hasn’t said anything about them until now. Maybe she isn’t married to him anymore. I don’t know. It seems like all summer she’s had nowhere to be or go. I just assumed she was alone.”

  “When I think of the things you’ve told me about Sunny, it’s easy to see she didn’t get the wonderful life she thought she was buying into when she left home.”

  “I know. It was always so easy to imagine she was either dead or living it up. I would get so mad when I’d imagine her living this wonderful dreamlike life while the rest of us suffered, longing for some kind of news. I feel so confused, Aunt Glynnis.”

  “I can well imagine. You’re having to come to terms with so much in a matter of a few weeks.”

  “First just finding out that my sister was alive,” Kathy began, “then learning that Dad knew where she’d been at one point and had done nothing to try to force her home— or even tell me. Then there’s all the information Sunny has shared: an abusive marriage and death of a child, a second marriage and drug addiction—having her husband overdose and die. It’s all too much to imagine, much less make sense of. I honestly don’t know what to do.”

  “The only thing we can do is love her, Kathy. There’s little else to be accomplished. I mean, you could turn your back on her. You could tell her all the things you’ve dreamed of saying and walk away from any further relationship, but I don’t think you’d ever be happy.”

  “No, I know I wouldn’t. I can’t walk away from her . . . she’s my sister. Yet, on the other hand, I feel so betrayed and angry at times. When I think I might finally have a grip on the situation, something new pops up. I found myself even resenting her help this morning.”

  “How so?”

  “I was sorting through Mom and Dad’s things for the sale. Sunny came in to help, and I wanted to send her away. I wanted
to tell her not to touch anything.”

  Glynnis said nothing, so Kathy continued. “Sometimes I want to throw my arms around her and hold on to her and never let go. Other times I want to tell her it hurts too much to have a relationship with her. That knowing she was alive all these years—yet never caring enough to let us know—is too much to expect anyone to overcome.”

  “And if you tried to do it on your own, you’d be right. This kind of thing can’t be battled in the flesh. It’s a spiritual and emotional war as well. You’ll exhaust yourself in trying to make it right.”

  “I know. But what I don’t know is how to keep from making the same mistakes. I’m not sure how to be honest with Sunny—or even if it would matter if I were.”

  “I believe understanding each other’s feelings is paramount to resolving this situation in your life. You need to understand why Sunny made her choices, and she needs to understand why you made yours.”

  Kathy shook her head. “But understanding why someone did something isn’t going to alter the fact that the deed is done. It will hurt just the same—with or without explanation. Not only that, but what if Sunny told me that the choices I made were stupid? It would make me really mad.”

  “Yet she’s supposed to take that from you?”

  Kathy fell silent. It isn’t the same, she told herself. There’s a difference.

  “She might not want to take it,” Kathy finally said, “but her choices were stupid.”

  “So were yours,” Glynnis said matter-of-factly.

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying what you’re saying,” she replied. “Sunny’s choices made no sense to you, so you call them stupid. Your choices made no sense to me, so I do the same. If this were a contest, you’d both come in first place—a tie.”

  “How can you say that?” Kathy felt so hurt she could hardly speak. “I did what I was supposed to do. I stayed home and took care of my loved ones.”

  “Kathy, I don’t discredit what you did for your parents. It was a loving act. But you made other choices that made little sense to me. Sending Kyle away was one of those. How much easier it could have been for you with his love and support! In my mind your choice to send him away was just as foolish as Sunny’s was to run away.