His Frozen Heart

by Georgia Le Carre

  He took a breath that rattled in his throat. “It’s the beauty of wet work. One day you become it. Promise you won’t die like me. Like a fucking dog. There’s a reason those fraudulent cocksuckers don’t send their own sons to do this work. Promise me!”

  By now the tears were running down my face, too.

  It’s my dying wish,” he insisted.

  I swallowed the stone in my throat. “Okay, Roger, I promise.”

  He smiled and coughed. Fuck, a whole cup of blood. It went all over my arm and clothes.

  “You deserve something good and sweet, man. You deserve to have a little something for yourself. Remember … remember when we used to say we wanted to retire to a beach … and drink beer and hit on girls half our age?”

  I nodded.

  “Today’s the day, my friend. The beer will be so cold it’ll fucking hurt, and the sun will always shine, and the women will always think I’m way sexier than you.”

  I took a deep breath and watched his eyes drift closed. “I’ve got a woman,” I whispered.

  His eyes opened slowly. “No shit?” he asked faintly.

  “She’s beautiful.”

  Roger gave me the sweetest smile. “You give her a kiss and drink a beer for me.”

  “I will.”

  “Tell Marla the truth. She deserves to know why I did what I did.”

  “I will,” I promised.

  “Yeah, I should have told her. Tell her I love her.”

  He closed his eyes.

  “You can’t sugarcoat shit, man,” he whispered, his hands letting go of my shirt.

  There was no fanfare. There was just one more breath, and then a silence that stretched on too long … far too long. And just like that, my best friend was gone.

  Lara

  “I’ve always thought you were a bit soft in the head,” Elaine said.

  “Thanks,” I replied.

  “No, I’m serious.”

  “You’re not funny, Elaine.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be funny.”

  “I’m soft in the head simply because I’ve just changed my mind about Kit?” No, I didn’t tell her about the black ops stuff because, of course, it was a secret and Elaine, bless her heart, was not someone you told your secrets to since it would cause her incredible pain to keep it to herself, and why would I want to do that to her when I loved her?

  “Not because you’ve changed your mind, but because the reason you’ve given me for breaking up is just pathetic. Is it shark week?”

  I sighed. “No, it’s not that time of the month.”

  “Then what?” she pressed.

  “What’s so pathetic about a couple who realize that they are apples and oranges? We both want different things,” I said, and hoped she’d be sensitive enough to stop prying anymore. I was already very sad and I wasn’t in the mood for a thorough interrogation session with Elaine.

  She didn’t buy my excuse for a second. “You were in love with him a day ago!” she shot back immediately.

  “Well, I’ve changed my mind.”

  “Well, I don’t believe you.”

  “Well, that’s fine by me. Now can we just drop it?”

  “No, I’m not dropping it. This is important. You could be making the biggest mistake of your life.”

  “It was just a little fling, Elaine. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “Bullcaca! That makes about as much sense as tits on a tree! Stop lying. It’s me, Elaine, your best friend from the time we were walking around with diapers full of poo.”

  I leaned my head against my hand. Honestly, I was dying to tell her everything and cry on her shoulder, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t betray Kit’s secret.

  “Did you argue?” she probed.

  “Nope.”

  “Really?” Her voice was disbelieving.

  “Maybe a small one.”

  “What about?”

  “He wanted me to do something that I didn’t want to.”

  She drew in a sharp breath. “It was sexual?”

  “My God, Elaine. Will you give it a break?”

  “So it was sexual!”

  I shook my head in exasperation. Maybe I should make something up that would satisfy her. Otherwise, I’d never hear the end of this. I tried to conjure up some perverted thing, but my mind was blank and numb.

  “You might as well tell me. I am your best friend in the whole world. Besides, a trouble shared is a trouble halved.”

  “Stop nagging, Elaine.”

  “Fine, I got it. I’ll stop nagging if you tell me where he is now.”

  “He’s gone to see some friends.”

  “Is he coming back?”

  “I thought you were going to stop.”

  “I am. Just answer this one last question.”

  “He’ll be back in two days.”

  “Lara, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but as your best friend I have to put it on record that I think you are making a huge mistake. First of all, he made you happy. Ever since you met him you have been walking around like a possum that has stolen into somebody’s sweet potato patch. If you could see yourself now. You are trying to pretend you don’t care, but your little heart is breaking.”

  “It’s true, I am sad,” I confessed, “but it’s for the best.”

  “Most things can be worked out with a little give and take,” she said.

  I shook my head sadly. “Not this one. Our differences are irreconcilable.”

  “You know what’s irreconcilable. When one party cheats, or beats you up, or doesn’t love you back. Everything else is workable. Is it any of the above?”

  I shook my head silently.

  “Then you owe it to yourself and him to work it out. True love doesn’t grow on trees. Do you think something this wonderful will come again in this deadbeat town? Trust me when I say it won’t. Even Picket Fence Peter is already taken.”

  I felt a stab of pain at her words because I knew they were true. No one was ever again going to make me feel the way Kit did or love me the way he did.

  “I never interfere in your-”

  My head jerked at that statement.

  “Okay, I interfere in your life all the time, but hell, I never insist that you listen to me.”

  I jerked my head meaningfully again.

  “Fine, I do insist a lot, but I have never insisted this much before. If you don’t try to work this out, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  My expression must have given me away because she really went for it then.

  “Let me ask you something. If you found out that Kit had just one day left to live, would you still insist on fighting with him, or would you make the most of the time left to you?”

  I froze. Without knowing it Elaine had hit the nail on the head. What the hell was I doing? I loved Kit with all my heart. In the way that mere words could not describe. Ever since he left last night my heart had turned to stone. The simple truth was my convictions were all well and good in theory, but now that I had gone and fallen head over heels in love with him. I couldn’t just walk away and move on. My life belonged with Kit. If I had one day left with him, then I would take that one day. If I had one hour left, I would take that one hour.

  I leaned forward and kissed Elaine on the cheek. “Thank God for you, Elaine. You are right. I was being silly about something that can be worked out.”

  She clapped her hands with satisfaction. “Good. Put it right as soon as you can.”

  “Elaine, if there is absolutely nobody left in this town worth having, who will you end up with?”

  “I’m leaving Durango Falls, Lara. I’m not going to rot here. I’m saving up. One of these days I’ll have enough to buy myself a bus ticket to a big bad city.”

  “A city? Where?” I gasped.

  “Hollywood.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You’re thinking of moving to Hollywood!”

  “Sure, I am.”

  “What will you do there?”


  “I don’t know. I’ve been writing little screenplays about life in a small town. I’ll see if I can sell my work, but of course, I’ll start off by waitressing.”

  “If you need money, I have some saved up.”

  “Nah, I’m still picking up the guts, girding my loins and stuff. You know how it is with Hollywood being full of bitches just waiting to scratch your eyes out. Anyway, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.”

  I smiled. “Will you give me a lift to Kit’s house tomorrow? I want to surprise him when he comes back.”

  Lara

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBmAPYkPeYU

  When we arrived at Kit’s house, it was nearly five in the evening. I had learned the shapes and locations of everything inside Kit’s house. In fact, I would even go so far as to say I knew it almost as well as I knew my own home. I could glide through the rooms without stubbing a toe or knocking anything off a shelf.

  However, I didn’t know where the switch for the wood stove was so Elaine came in with me and helped me find it. We didn’t light the fire, because neither she nor I knew how to build one that could last more than a few minutes. We had a cup of tea together, but she didn’t stay for long because she wanted to get home before dinnertime.

  After she had gone I opened Kit’s cupboard. All the items in it had been arranged in a specific order so I knew where everything was. I selected a can of tomato soup. While I was pouring it into a saucepan I heard the familiar scratching on the back door. The wolves had sensed that somebody was back. With a happy smile, I opened the door and Lobo and Koa were waiting to greet me. Koa moved away after I gave them a bit of dried meat from the pantry, but Lobo stayed on for more hugs and cuddles. I know Kit said to keep a respectful distance from the wolves as they were not pets, but I completely ignored his instructions and kissed and cuddled Lobo and let him climb all over me.

  When he had enough of being manhandled he wandered off and I returned to the kitchen. I warmed the soup, crumbled some cheese into it, and sat down at the table with a hunk of buttered bread.

  I could hear the cold wind blowing through the trees, but it was lovely and warm beside the wood stove. I had never been in the house on my own, and it was a strange sensation. I started to think of Kit and my life with him. Would this be what I was consigning myself to?

  Long, lonely nights waiting for him to come back. Not sure if he would. What would I do if he didn’t? The thought made me feel queasy and I quickly pushed it away and picked up my spoon determined to be positive, but my appetite was gone.

  I washed up, put on my parka, hat, and gloves, and grabbing a heavy quilt went outside. The wolves were all back. I could feel and hear them. They came up to the porch to say hello. I sat on the tall chair he sat on and waited.

  I was waiting for the sound of the car the men who had come to collect him the other night drove. I was not the only one. My ears might have been more attuned than other sighted humans, but they were nothing like the ears of those wolves.

  Three of them joined me on the porch, their noses all turned toward the driveway, their tails flicking against the porch floorboards. Occasionally, one would reach forward and lick my hand. Now and again they would emit the tiniest whines, little worried sounds that made fear crawl up my spine.

  I understood that they were waiting for him, too. How many times had they done this? How many times would I have to wait with my heart in my mouth?

  I felt my watch face. It was only eight o’clock. Kit said he would be back at the very latest, tonight. I wondered what time he would come back. A thought occurred to me. What if he didn’t come back tonight though? What if he never came back?

  The more time passed the more I began to regret my actions that night. Even though I had been so damn certain I was done with him, I shouldn’t have let him go to his dangerous mission after such a horrible argument. It could have affected his concentration and focus. It was a stupid thing to let him leave on such a bitter note.

  I wasn’t thinking. All I could hear was the echo of my mother screaming hysterically, and all I could feel was the memory of the sun’s rays beating down on my head as I slid my hands over the polished casket. Losing my father was the worst day of my life–right up until the day I lost my brother.

  All I could think of was that Kit lied to me, deliberately hid his secret from me. I was furious with him for letting the charade go on even after he knew I had fallen in love with him, but I think what hurt the most was that he was prepared to walk away and go to his job when he could see that I was devastated. It felt as if he chose his job over me.

  Ma used to say “happiness is just sadness biding its time”. Maybe I needed to be more patient. Maybe the day will come when he will love me more than his job. He can’t be a soldier forever. Maybe I’ll get luckier than Ma.

  Bundled up in a parka and a quilt, and surrounded by an army of wolves, I was snug as a bug in a rug as I waited patiently. An hour passed. Several times I heard cars on the main road, but they did not have the same engine, and sure enough they did not come down the driveway.

  Another wolf came onto the porch. I listened to its careful footsteps. They came right up to me, and that big wild animal sat down on his haunches. I felt his breath on my hand, and then his nose bumped my leg. He laid his head on my lap. I touched his muzzle and felt the scars.

  Old Andak! Kit’s old, blind buddy. He had come to find me. I had no idea why he would seek me out that night–I will never in a million years understand why–but that was what it took to break me.

  Make no mistake: I was one hell of a strong woman. I could handle anything, could take it all on my shoulders and deal with it, but something about that lovely kindred spirit coming to comfort me just did me in.

  I leaned forward and buried my face in his thick, warm fur. He leaned into me as I let out a cry that made me sound like a wounded animal myself. It was filled with everything I had held back and fought through these long days and nights–all the worry and pain and fear that had driven me away from Kit, and then brought me right back here to where I belonged.

  Other animals might have been startled by my actions. Other creatures might have run from the force of the sound, but those wolves–those wise, beautiful creatures–they didn’t flinch. They sat there, still as stone and just as solid. They were patient and understanding souls and they understood tears.

  When the sobs were almost gone, Andak sat up. He nuzzled my face and then lay down beside me. I let my hand drop over the side of the chair to tangle my fingers in the scruff of his neck. I was so very tired and I was beginning to get more frightened. Why was Kit not back yet? He said latest three days. In fact, he seemed sure he’d be back after two days.

  I closed my eyes and prayed. “Please sweet Jesus. Don’t take him away from me too. Not now. Not like this. I won’t be able to survive this.”

  Even as the whisper died on my lips I heard the sound of a car. It was not the same car that came the other night, but it was a car, and it was turning into the road. I stood up. The wolves were already up and scattering away. I walked to the porch and began to go down the steps. Andak was shadowing me. The car stopped halfway down the drive and I began to walk down the road. Why did they stop there? Was something wrong?

  “Kit,” I screamed, taking another step. It was a careless step and suddenly I was pitched forward. To my surprise an even greater force than what propelled me forward hit me just above my heart and sent me flying backwards.

  The pain was like a flash. White hot pain embedded itself into my flesh. I landed on the ground on my back, my head banging the hard ground with a loud thud, but I did not feel a thing. My hand reached to the burning wound under my shoulder blade.

  Something long and hard was buried deep in me.

  The car drove up. Everything was happening in slow motion. I groaned in pain. The car stopped. The door opened. Snow crunched under someone’s boot. Even though I was terrified my brain was razor sharp.

  �
�Sawyer?” I called.

  Someone stood a few feet away from me. “I’m sorry, Lara. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. You fell. I was aiming for the wolf.”

  “It’s okay, Sawyer.” My voice was trembling. “I know you didn’t mean to shoot me. It was just an accident.”

  “I’m really sorry, Lara. I love you.”

  “I know. Just help me. Take me to the hospital.”

  There was a strangled sound, then Sawyer began to cry. “I can’t help you, Lara. No one can know I was here.”

  “Please, Sawyer. I won’t tell anyone.”

  “You’re lying. Of course, you’ll tell them.”

  “They’ll know by your arrow, anyway.”

  “I’m going to pull it out of you.”

  “Please, Sawyer. Don’t do this. I’ll die out here.”

  “You shouldn’t have been here. Why did you come here?”

  “Sawyer, shooting me was an accident. If you pull the arrow head out and leave me here to die it will be murder.”

  “Shut up,” he screamed.

  “You won’t get away with it.”

  “I can’t leave my arrow here,” he snarled, and took a step towards me and suddenly there was the sound of a low growl, more menacing than I ever could have imagined. So deep and guttural it was almost otherworldly. I heard the other wolves start moving in from all sides.

  With a scream of terror Sawyer ran back to his car. I heard his door slam shut, and he reversed out of the driveway like a madman, his tires spinning in the snow and ice.

  The pain started radiating outwards. The house was a few feet away. If I could just make it back. I tried to sit up, but I couldn’t move at all.

  Then I heard a bloodcurdling growl close to me. Lobo! I could sense it was him, but he was different. This was not the wolf that climbed on top of me and playfully licked me. I suddenly remembered the freak cases of owners of big dangerous dogs being attacked and killed by their pets when they had suffered a heart attack or seizures, and fallen to the ground. I was no longer a friend. I was prey. I began to shake. I heard the other wolves moving in. Lobo was not protecting me. He was warning the other wolves off his kill. It was the pecking order.