Between Friends
Page 17
Subject: Re: Lazy Bones
Date: 14 May
Lazy bones? Arse on the Aga? Is that really how you remember me? I’m sure I did some decorating?
From: fletch71@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Lazy Bones
Date: 14 May
Yes, on the Aga – and occasionally on the settee (in front of the fire). I’ll take a trip to Yorkshire in June, I’m due some holiday. I’ll take all the tools back then. Hope all is good your end?
Josh
From: gethynofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Bored
Date: 15 May
Hi, Aggie
I’m bored. Did you ever find out if Ishmael and Anya are close?
G
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethynofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
Dear, Gethyn
In order to answer your question, first I need to ask you a question. I know you hate superfluous use of punctuation, but are you asking if Ishmael and Anya are ‘close’ or just, close?
A
From: gethynofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
OK, you win. Are they ‘close’?
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: gethynofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bored
Date: 15 May
Ah, now I understand. See, without the use of inverted commas I was unsure as to your meaning. The answer is … I still don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty certain they’re shagging.
Speaking of Ishmael, he is now called Moses and I fear this may be my fault. We had a few too many whiskeys at the pub last week and Ishmael and I got talking about the importance of awarding the right name to the characters in my books. This led onto discussing how, in choosing a baby name, parents almost certainly dictate the path of a child’s life. You know the sort of thing, ‘would a rose under any other name smell so sweet’ etc. etc. Would someone called Posy Piper ever be Prime Minister? Or in my case, would Agatha Braithwaite ever be a best-selling novelist? No, but Isabella Gambini would. Ishmael violently disagreed (it was a little bit tense for a while). Eventually, he confessed that, in fact, his name is not Ishmael at all, it’s Marc. But he likes to say to people, ‘Call me Ishmael,’ which is the first line in Moby Dick. I said that if I changed my name to Summer Santiago, I could write books of great spirituality and import, which led us on to discuss the idea of reinvention of character, and we asked ourselves this question: could we, by a simple change of name, clothing and even accent, truly reinvent ourselves, or would our basic (at the core of the soul) personality, give us away in the end?
We argued it down to the bone and arrived at no final conclusion, but the next day, Ishmael walked into the café and, just as I was about to say, ‘Good morning, Ishmael’, he put his hand up and said, ‘For the next month, I’m called Moses’. Unfortunately, I was unable to get into a deep discussion regarding the choice of this particular name because Shaun pitched up with a couple of lobsters (did you know they’re deep blue before they’re cooked?). However, I did discover that Moses (Ishmael) believes that Moses (the fella with the burning bush) is a misunderstood anti-hero with a speech impediment, so I’m looking forward to delving into that particular topic of discussion next time we’re at the pub. But if Moses takes his new role too far, i.e. if he adopts a stutter, renames Ben Nevis as Mount Sinai and tries to lead us away from Appledart over the hills to redemption, I shall have to slap him (we can only hope he isn’t summoning up a flood as I type – or was that Noah?).
More anon, Aggie
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Future Self?
Date: 15 May
Hi, Ag
I’m confused. I’ve tried to imagine my future, like Mum said. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Nothing came to mind – no image at all. Is this bad?
Pol
From: gethynofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Flying Home
Date: 16 May
Hi, Ag
Just a thought. Maybe I could take some R&R at Appledart next month? Is there a B&B?
Gethyn
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Gethyn
Date: 16 May
Hi, Polly
Don’t worry about it. Imagining your future self when you’re at a crossroads is a daft idea. Mine was just a load of far-fetched nonsense. You’ll get there. You’re in the middle of a war. It’s confusing. Just get yourself home in one piece, come to Appledart and we’ll sort everything out then.
So, here’s the big question. Is Gethyn handsome? You still haven’t told me the latest situation on the girlfriend front? Answer this email immediately.
Love, Ag
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
Hi, Aggie
So you are ‘interested’. Fabulous. Well …
It turns out that Gethyn phoned his girlfriend last week, but neither one of them had anything to say. They emailed each other after the call and both decided the best course of action was to let each other go. It would be unfair to discuss this further, but needless to say, he’s not heartbroken. He feels free and optimistic. Perhaps your books have worked their magic on him. I think he feels the need for adventure, fun and, dare I say it, a little romance? His partner, although a very talented doctor, would apparently have scorned if he had revealed a romantic/devil-may-care side to his personality.
Is he handsome? Come on, Ag, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you know that.
Love, Pol
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder my arse! Haven’t you got a photo you can scan?
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
OK, let’s say I send you a photo and you don’t like the look of him, what then? Will you stop emailing him, or will your tone change in your letters? Looks aren’t everything.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 17 May
Do not even think about going moralistic on me Pollyanna Fletcher. You dumped Jack Peterson when he fell off his bike and smashed his teeth in and I didn’t judge you then! Physical attraction to your partner matters – fact. Also, Gethyn has the upper hand as he has seen a photo of me. I want to redress the balance.
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
I don’t have a photo.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
Fuck’s sake! On a sliding scale of one to ten, with ten being Jonny Depp and one being the Hunchback of Notredames, where does Gethyn sit? Also, would you imagine him to be a good kisser? Kissing is more important than shagging.
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gethyn
Date: 18 May
I’m not being drawn into this. A five for me could be a ten for you. And how can I possibly know if he’s a good kisser? He’s like a brother.
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
I sent you a
fucking MP3 playing AND got your dad a snow shovel!
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
I’ll see what I can do. And stop swearing at me, for fuck’s sake!
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Unbelievable!
Date: 18 May
Right ho!
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Photo
Date: 19 May
Hi, Ag
Sorry, no can do on the photo. I did try.
Love, Pol
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Photo
Date: 20 May
Ok, I’ll believe you – this once!
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Photo
Date: 20 May
Are you interested in Gethyn? Genuinely, not a passing fancy?
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Photo
Date: 20 May
Yes
From: simonday14@hotmail.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: The Truth
Date: 21 May
Hi, Pol
You know me too well. OK, so here’s the truth. Australia isn’t working out too well for me. I’ve lost my job at the theatre. I was dating the director’s daughter (she’s in the show) and before I could blink we’d got a flat together and she was planning baby names. For Christ’s sake! Why do chicks always want to move in so quickly? My visa runs out in six months but I haven’t the money to fly home. Sophie (the director’s daughter who’s pissed at me because I started seeing someone else) has kept the flat on and muggings here is still paying for it. So now I’m skint and sleeping on a mate’s sofa. I’ve got a job in a club to tide me over cash wise. It’s all a bit shit but I’ll work my way out of it, always do.
Si
P.S. If I don’t respond straight away to your email it’s not because I’m ignoring you so don’t be mad. I can only access email at my mate’s computer and I’m working all hours God sends at the moment to claw back some cash. And please don’t nag in your reply. I already know I’m a cock.
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: simonday14@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: The Truth
Date: 21 May
Simon
I’m not sure what to say, except …
When the fuck will you learn? You’re a grown man, for goodness sake. Stop thinking with your dick!
Nag complete. Why do you always let women push you into a firm commitment before you’re ready? This set of circumstances happens every single time you meet a woman. You fall head over heels for a pretty face and long legs, you shower her with complements until you’re sure she’s crazy about you, then, when you know she’s a done deal and the chase is over, you lose interest. If you want to jump from woman to woman and shag your way around Sidney then that’s up to you, but perhaps you could stop committing so quickly and leading them to believe that you’re their ‘happy ever after’.
I haven’t been able to spend any money for a few months so I could easily cobble together about £3000 from my current account and get it transferred over to you. This would help get you a ticket home, at least? Despite the fact that you’re a dickhead, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a cock (there is a difference).
Pol
From: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
To: aggieb@yahoo.com
Subject: Great News
Date: 22 May
Hi, Aggie.
Great news! I’ve been given another job. Thank God, I was so desperately bored. I still do the bloody sodding weather forecast (this job has put me off the weather for life) but I’m now the Visits Officer, too. ‘What’s that?’ I hear you say? Well, now the war is over (Gethyn says it’s far from over and this is only the beginning of a massive bloody mess and that we NEVER EVER learn), but anyway, now the war is ‘pretend over’ we’re going to start receiving lots of visitors (AKA glory hunters) to have a nosy around Basra and I will organise the visits.
Visitors this month are mainly Brit politicians (watch the news and you’ll see who). I’ll be driving around Basra with them. Am I nuts? The answer to that is, yes! Definitely. I hate driving around Basra. We’re in this phase called ‘hearts and minds’ which means we’re now showing the Iraqis that we’re here with all good intentions and only want the best for them (even though we knocked ten bells of crap out of them for the last couple of months) and that we’re actually the good guys.
To show our trust in them and promote a reciprocal attitude towards us, we wear berets rather than helmets and have abandoned the body armour (not that I have any since I gave mine away in March).
I still carry ten rounds of ammunition, but I’d be useless with a gun anyway so the fact that I have so little is immaterial. Having said that, Gethyn double-checks my pistol for me before I go out into the city. I think he’s more worried about me being out and about than he lets on. But honestly, I think I’ll be fine, and it’s better for my mental health to get out of HQ for a bit. I know I’m no soldier but I genuinely believe that being at war is much worse than being in prison – in prison I would at least have a shower, a flushing toilet, visitors and the possibility of an early release for good behaviour.
I’ll tell you one thing, though, I agree with Gethyn that it was a nicer environment when we were out in the desert. Oh, I know I bitched about the sand for weeks, but the problem with living and working at the airport is that it just feels so unhygienic and it’s unbearably hot. The air-conditioning and sanitary provisions are shot through (literally) and so our work space is full of stagnant, stifling air (getting up to 50 degrees). There also seem to be more cases of diarrhoea and vomiting since we moved to the airport. So, yes, I preferred living in the middle of the desert, it was cooler, cleaner and freer (told you, no matter how shitty you think your life is, it can always get worse! You’ve got to laugh).
Bye for now.
Love, Polly
Bluey
From: Polly
To: Oliver
Date: 23 May
Dear, Oliver
No, I haven’t fired my gun, thank the Lord. We’re now in Basra and the Head Quarters has been established in the airport terminal. It’s not a civilian airport anymore with normal aeroplanes coming and going. The Chief of Staff is a very important army colonel. He has set up his office in a room that used to be the airport shop. There is a sign above his door that says ‘Duty Free’. Don’t you think that’s funny?
I know what you mean about wishes. I spent several years wishing for something to happen to me but my wish never came true and that made me very sad, and then I got my wish, but it was taken away from me. But I think the important thing is to never stop wishing for something – anything – that brings you joy, even if it’s not what you originally imagined it would be. I wouldn’t have thought this way a couple of months ago, but I do now.
You said someone was thinking of adopting you? Isn’t that a good thing? Didn’t you wish for it? Let me know how it goes.
Polly
From: aggieb@yahoo.com
To: pollyofarabia@yahoo.com
Subject: Oliver
Date: 24 May
Hi, Pol
I researched computer programmes for Oliver. There are a couple you can buy that teach children touch-typing. I phoned (and persuaded) Mrs Cartwright to let Oliver have one. However, she does insist (and I agree with her) that Oliver should only use it when writing long pieces of work and that he shouldn’t use the spell checker facility – his spelling requires a great deal of improvement. Mrs Cartwright (I’ll never be able to call her Angela) thinks you are, perhaps, unde
r a false impression of
Oliver’s literacy skills. She helps Oliver write his letters to you and it takes him absolutely ages to type them out and, because he wants his letters to seem grown up, she helps. But anyway, I’ll get him a laptop and put the typing programme on there and you can settle up with me later. Also, tell me to mind my own business, but there was something else I discussed with Mrs Cartwright and I feel the need to pass it onto you (don’t be mad).
For child protection reasons Mrs Cartwright reads all the letters you send to Oliver before she passes them on to him, which is perfectly understandable. One thing she is slightly concerned about is that you may be setting Oliver up with false hopes for the future. I haven’t read your letters and so can’t comment. But she feels that children like Oliver just don’t get the breaks you and I had and that you may be setting him up for a fall in the long-run, even if you have all the best intentions. Anyway, I’ll sort out the laptop which hopefully will improve things for him in the class.