by S S Bazinet
She hit his shoulder lightheartedly. “I think you need to learn to describe my aptitude for greatness with more style.”
“You were and still are amazing,” he said as he began kissing her again. “Don’t ever change who you are, Peggy Leggy.”
Fifty-Four
KEVIN WALKED UP to Carol’s apartment door, started to ring the bell, and hesitated. He had apologized and explained himself to Carol, and she’d been stubborn and unforgiving.
So why am I doing this to myself.
He knew why. Carol had asked him to come over, and being a nice guy, he’d agreed. Why couldn’t he be like a lot of the men he knew at the office? They played it cool. They didn’t let their emotions sway them, and women flocked to them anyway.
Dammit, I can’t be like that.
He paused. He was fooling himself, letting himself off the hook too easily by praising his virtues. In truth, he was worse than the guys at the office. He’d wounded Carol, the gentlest of people. It wasn’t intentional, but he’d hurt her deeply.
I can’t expect her to recover with a few words of apology.
He forced his finger to the bell and pushed. After a few minutes, he was about to ring it a second time when the door opened a few inches.
“Hi Kevin,” Carol said. She studied him for several moments before she gave him a polite smile.
He shifted uncomfortably as he waited for her to invite him in. When the door finally swung open, Carol positioned herself behind it.
“I’m glad you could make it,” she said quickly.
Carol’s voice sounded off, like she didn’t know if she wanted to talk to him or not. Kevin knew that he didn’t want to talk to her. Whether it was guilt or anger, either way he wanted to forget the mess he’d made. As a kid, he used to run off to the woods when he’d made mistakes.
Oh hell, Peggy’s right. I’m like a child. I still want to run away.
Yet, as he followed Carol into the living room, he wasn’t seeing her with a child’s eyes. A grown man’s gaze swept over her, noting that her lime green, silky shirt and pants accentuated all the right curves. In spite of his mental protests, he felt his body responding, remembering. It hadn’t been that long since he’d held Carol’s soft, yielding body in his arms. She’d been so sweet when he met her, his image of the perfect woman. And he’d spoiled everything with his big mouth. He had to accept that.
Be accountable, Kevin. Be a man.
* * * * *
Carol heard the door bell and approached the entrance with a firm intention. She’d be businesslike with Kevin and keep her feelings out of the way. Arel had suggested a friendly reconciliation. As a favor to him, she was following his advice. Of course, there was also Peggy to consider. Peggy felt she’d been partly responsible for the mess they were in, and Carol needed to sort things out for her friend’s benefit too. She needed to put the whole, wretched affair to rest.
However, when she opened the door and saw Kevin, her thoughts were put on hold. Time reversed itself as she gazed up at him, mesmerized by his clear, forthright eyes and his handsome presence. It was like the first time that they met, when her judgment was untainted by pain.
He was a really good guy. Have I been too hard on him?
The moment passed. “Come in,” she said politely, but she avoided any further eye contact. Still, she couldn’t keep her heart from aching as she shut the door and moved quickly to the living room. She wanted what had been taken from her, wished all the unhappiness could disappear. But reality set in as they took their seats. She sat on the sofa and Kevin chose the chair furthest away from her. There was a chill in the air that separated them.
Kevin glanced over with hands tightly clasped. “You wanted to see me?”
She hunched her shoulders, trying to comfort herself as she prepared to tell him why they were meeting. “After being at Arel’s the other night, I feel like we need some kind of closure. Peggy is my best friend and your sister. I guess I’d like us to be able to feel somewhat comfortable around each other again.”
Kevin’s eyes retreated. He stared down, studying the rug. Finally, he glanced up at her with a narrow, focused gaze. “Look, I was wrong, totally wrong. I know I apologized before, but this time I want you to know how sorry I am that I hurt you. I was a jerk. That said, I’ll do whatever you want. If it’s closure, I’m all for it.” His tone was quick and deliberate, but also sincere.
At first, Carol could only nod back at him. She hadn’t expected him to be so conciliatory. In their past conversations, he’d hung onto his reservations, reasons to excuse his behavior, but now he seemed stripped of them all.
“Apology accepted,” she said.
Kevin nodded back with a gaze that was honest and direct, but it didn’t have that open wanting, that connection that had been between them. He seemed ready for the closure that she had suggested.
He offered a quick smile. “From now on, when we’re around each other, maybe we can behave like friends.”
The term ‘friends’ made Carol’s heart sink. It was her turn to look away. She didn’t want a friend. She wanted a person who loved her and someone she could love in return. Kevin had been that person for a short time. Why couldn’t he be that person again?
I can’t trust a guy that turned on me. Or can I? Arel thinks that I should.
She recalled an earlier phone conversation with Arel. He had advised her in his quiet, understanding voice. “He’s young, Carol. And I know that you’re young too, but it takes longer for men to mature.”
Carol had objected, but Arel wouldn’t have it. He became a wise sage who seemed to see more in Kevin than she could see. “Try not to be too hard on him,” he said. “He truly didn’t want to hurt you. He doesn’t know how to hold in his feelings. And you know that Peggy has never helped him in that department.”
Carol had laughed, but she was also mystified at Arel’s keen observation after knowing Peggy for such a short length of time. “Peggy just makes her brother shut up.”
Arel agreed. “That’s right, but Kevin doesn’t need people pointing out his shortcomings. He’s had that all his life with Peggy.”
“I guess I acted the same way with him,” she said, falling under Arel’s ability to soothe her, to help her put her anger away long enough to get a different point of view.
While she was pondering his advice, Arel continued. “But you’re understanding and very forgiving. I know that from personal experience. Promise me that you’ll give Kevin another chance too.”
She’d given in to Arel. She couldn’t refuse him. She couldn’t add to the pain that he was already in. But maybe, just maybe, she also wanted him to be right. But it wasn’t as simple as Arel made it sound. Even if she wanted to give Kevin another chance, she didn’t know how. And when she glanced over at him, it was clear that he wanted to leave. His eyes were furtive, like those of a kid outside the principal’s office, waiting for his dismissal. But there was something else in the way he looked.
Arel is right. Kevin seems lost.
The more she studied Kevin, the more she could feel that on some level, he was as helpless as she felt at times. Sure he was a smart, tech guy, but he had never learned how to handle a crisis that involved someone whom he loved. He had no one to show him how. Peggy always told him what to do.
For an instant, she thought she saw Arel looking at her, like he had at his home, like he was depending on her. “Help Kevin, for me.”
It seemed like an impossible task. That’s when all of her frustration and fear hit home. It came on as fast as a summer storm. In the past, she had shed tears off and on. They were showers of loneliness and anger. Now, a new, treacherous storm of despairing emotions hit. “Life is so sad,” she cried out. “Arel is dying. You’ll probably be clueless for the rest of your life. And I’m going to end up alone, an old maid! It’s all so horrible.”
As soon as she started sobbing, Kevin jumped up and grabbed a tissue off the end table. “Please don’t cry. I might be cluele
ss forever, but you could never end up alone. You’re too beautiful and sweet.” He crossed the four feet of distance between them and handed her the tissue.
Carol could feel his desperate desire to comfort her. It made her feel even sadder. She reached out for him, like she reached out for Charlie bear. “Can you sit down next to me?”
Kevin obeyed immediately and took a seat.
She sniffed and leaned back against him. In return, Kevin put his arms around her and began to gently rock her. Neither of them spoke, but Carol felt safe in Kevin’s embrace again.
* * * * *
Grace and Fred sat on Carol’s apartment balcony. Both were soaking up the rays of the moon as it streamed down, bathing everything in its silvery radiance. Grace had her wings spread out behind her. She enjoyed the idea of having the adornments even if her natural angelic body was more formless. After so many eons of humans expecting angels to have wings, she felt quite at home with the idea. Fred hadn’t been as interested in the concept, but he was trying it out as he sat next to her.
He smiled. “You’re right, wings can be quite interesting. When the moon’s energy connects with them, it’s very relaxing.”
“I have to say that I’m already completely serene. The happiness coming from my Carol is so wonderful. She really missed Kevin, even if she was hurt by his actions.”
Fred nodded. “Thankfully, he had the courage to come and face Carol again, to make up for his blunders.”
Grace’s glow dimmed a little. “I hope her memories of a supposedly perfect world don’t create more problems. She adored her parents and the security of having them together and happy. When they went their separate ways, she was devastated. She’s been afraid of taking chances ever since.”
“Kevin will try his best, I’m sure.”
“I know, and I’m not blaming him. It’s Carol. She’s still learning how to be responsible for her happiness when things go wrong. She takes everything very personally.” Grace hesitated. “I don’t know what to say, Frederick, Kevin might not be the one for her. He’s got a lot of growing to do too.”
Fred gave her a sideways glance and smiled teasingly. “Kevin’s not perfect, but at least he’s not a vampire.”
Grace’s wings stiffened immediately. “Indeed he isn’t, and I’m eternally grateful.”
“Speaking of former vampires, have you heard how Michael’s fellow is doing?”
“From what I’ve gathered, Arel has become extremely demanding. I didn’t get specifics, just the idea that he’s generally pushy about his many whims. And if he doesn’t get his way, he uses his trump card.”
“What trump card?”
“Abrigail quoted him as saying, ‘Give the guinea pig a break. I wouldn’t have bitten one of God’s legions if I’d known it was going to kill me.’”
“And how does Michael respond?”
“He knows that Arel should be more accountable for his condition. Still, he finds it hard to deny him anything. It was Michael’s idea to try and assist in the way that he did. Now, Arel’s not doing well.”
“But Arel was miserable before all this started.”
“Of course he was, but that’s what happens when you’re working with a soul that’s been a . . . a . . . you know . . . a vampire.”
Fred paused and stared at Grace.
She stared back. “What is it? What are you looking at?”
“Your wings, they’re different.”
She smiled. “Yes, I’ve been thinking that if Carol ever gets a glimpse of me, she might be impressed with larger wings. She’ll see that I’m always there trying to protect her.”
“Or she might think that you’re a giant bat.” Fred grinned broadly. “I think you have to work on the feather part.”
Grace glanced behind her. “Oh my, every time I think about that time when Arel showed up in Carol’s bedroom, I have a tendency to go into a more outwardly impressive form.” She paused. “But really, Frederick, those are not bat wings. With a bit of tweaking and color, they can be perfectly beautiful and dragon-like.”
“Well, from what you’ve told me, you don’t have to worry about Arel at this point, except to pray that he pulls through.”
“Heavens, you know that I wish him the best. But unfortunately wishes aren’t enough. From the way Abrigail described his heart condition, he’s in real trouble. Neither Abrigail or Michael seem able to help at this point.”
“Michael will find a way,” Fred said in a confident tone. “Now there’s an angel who does have big wings. He’ll get his sheep back to the fold.”
“Abrigail doesn’t call Arel a sheep. After what she’s experienced working with him, she’s changed the metaphor. Michael is trying to bring back a lion who’s pretending to be a sheep.”
Fifty-Five
MICHAEL CAME THROUGH the kitchen door carrying an armful of fresh cut roses. He glanced at Arel who was perched on a stool next to the table. He’d taken up the art of flower arranging and was filling a large, crystalline vase with an assortment of Michael’s offerings. The man was still rail-thin and his eyes were lacking and unhappy again. When Michael smiled, he tried to put extra energy behind his well wishes. “Are these the kind of flowers that you wanted?”
Arel barely looked up from his task. “Yes, they’re fine, thank you. Just put them with the others.”
Michael did as he was told and stepped back. “Your arrangements have added a lot of color and beauty to all the rooms.”
Arel’s brows furrowed at the comment. “It’s a rather pathetic hobby, but I don’t have the energy to do much else.” He retrieved a large, yellow rose from the group. “Just think, this flower could be the last thing I see if my heart suddenly goes.”
“I thought you said you felt a little better today.”
“Perhaps, but what does it matter, a day more or less. Anyway, I have bigger problems.” Arel paused and gave Michael the full brunt of his wide, golden, listless gaze. “I don’t think I’m going to heaven after all.”
Michael prepared himself. It was going to be one of Arel’s ‘no heaven for me’ days. The ailing human often switched from expecting paradise when he died to claiming that he’d probably be reincarnated almost immediately into some hellish, new life. Michael moved a little closer. “This topic isn’t helping you.”
“Help? I’m beyond help. I have to face facts. Even if God does owe me, I’m still not worthy of any reward. I’ll get recycled very quickly once I pass over. I’ll come back as some ignorant slob.” Arel paused, letting out a hopeless sigh. “I won’t be able to see you, Michael. Angels don’t exist for most people, and I’ll be one of them. I’ll be alone again, totally alone.”
Michael reached out for Arel’s shoulder. “You have to stop dwelling on such negative thoughts. It negates all the strides that you’re making towards a recovery.”
Arel’s hands dropped to his sides. “Once I die and you’re gone, all hope will be gone.”
“Arel, you have power to create something better for yourself right now. So put your energy into living this life. Besides, you know that I’ll never desert you.”
“If I can’t see you the next time around, what difference will it make?” Arel heaved out a heavy breath. “As for this life, I’ve tried to be responsible. I’ve tried to prepare myself. Do you know that I’ve gone through all the steps in the grieving process? They were supposed to bring some peace, but I still feel doomed.”
Michael hesitated. He had to put a stop to Arel’s dialogue before it became a full blown dive into despair. Of course the problem was that Arel’s victim mentality came from a deeply wounded past. When Arel insisted on being right about his misery, it could be tricky trying to dissuade him.
“We need to have . . . um . . . another one of those talks,” Michael said firmly.
* * * * *
As soon as Michael made the announcement that they needed to talk, Arel felt his heart flutter. He reached out a hand and held on to the edge of the table edge to steady himse
lf. “What? The last time we talked, I found out that I’m going to die. What could you possibly want to tell me now?”
Michael avoided Arel’s abysmal eyes and took his arm instead. “Let’s go into the living room where you can be comfortable.”
Arel balked. “Me? Comfortable? Is that your angelic humor?”
The truth was that his heart felt like it had engine knock, a bad case of engine knock. There were also the bouts of crushing pain and the constant weakness. He did have his good days, but this one was definitely headed in the wrong direction.
“Come along,” Michael said with an encouraging smile. “I want you to sit down in the living room and listen to me before you bring on another attack.”
Arel realized that he didn’t have the strength to resist. “Oh god, what now?” he moaned. Feeling weaker than ever, he held on to Michael, using him as a crutch as he slowly made his way to the living room sofa. When he sat down, he clung to the sofa arm. “You have my complete attention, but before you start, do you understand that I’m barely holding on?”
“This has nothing to do with making you feel worse. It has to do with a part of you that we don’t discuss very often. This is about your soul.”
Arel clasped the sofa arm more aggressively, his bony fingers digging into the white linen upholstery. “My soul is going to die too? I didn’t think that was possible.”
“Did I say that your soul was going to die?”
“No, not yet.” Arel started taking deep, wheezy breaths. “I guess I was jumping ahead.”
“Please, Arel, don’t do that,” Michael said more forcefully.
Arel blinked back, barely taking in any air. “Why are you using that harsh tone with me? You don’t use that tone unless it’s really serious.”
Michael sighed. “I’m just trying to make a point.”
“What point? You never mentioned that my soul could die! What a damnable complication!”
“Arel, your soul is not going to die.”
