by Sage Sask
“You were nobody to her when you arrived,” Ryan argues. “She had a job to do.”
“Jackie showed me the files the first morning.” Every decision I have made has been wrong. I would do anything to retake the steps that led me here. “I was a fool to fall so easily.”
“You were here all alone with no one to trust. You wanted a friend. She was there.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Most people would have done the same thing you did.”
“That sounds like an excuse. I don’t have the luxury of one.”
He considers me then reveals, “After the plane incident, Jackie stopped all reports on you.”
“She knew Harrison was going to sabotage the plane?” Confused, I try to make sense of how her life was worth mine.
He shakes his head. “No. She guessed after.”
Tired and emotionally exhausted, I want to be left alone. But a persistent thought nags at me. “Why are you defending her behavior and yet…?” I stop before asking him why he won’t explain his own.
“Not my own?” he assumes.
“It doesn’t matter.” I reject his rationalization for Jackie’s behavior and a reason for mine. I ignore his refusal to give me an explanation for his. “I made a mistake. But thanks to all of you, I’ve been reminded of the lesson never to depend on anyone.” I motion him out the door.
“Who taught you that lesson?” he asks.
“Excuse me?”
“You said you remembered a lesson. Who taught you?”
“More information to report to Harrison?” Tired, I nearly beg. “Please leave.”
He considers me then nods. He looks tired and drawn. “Be ready to train tomorrow morning.”
I start to laugh, quietly at first then full out, furious with him. “You expect me to still train with you?”
“You don’t have a choice.”
“Yes,” I return, “I do.” I pause. “I broke that day on the beach, and all you cared about was how fast you could tell your father. You can go to hell.”
I wait for him to walk out then slam the door shut behind him. Seconds later, I hear the lock turn. I kick the door. The only response is the sound of his retreating footsteps. Like the first day, I slowly drop to the floor, my back against the door. I lower my head into the cradle of my knees. I am truly alone.
TWENTY-SIX
I sleep, dreaming of things I don’t understand.
A room without a view. Walls painted with a white so bright that it hurts to look at them. All the people have faces with no features. Voices I can’t hear shout in my ears.
I am young but tall for my age. It doesn’t matter though, because I always feel small in this room with the white walls. My trials are on display for everyone. Every time, I try to hit harder, to move faster, but the man watching me pushes me further.
“No!” I awake with a start. In the dark, I blink to get my bearings. As I do, the shadow of a man moves back, away from the side of my bed. I start to scream, but the man immediately covers my mouth with his hand. His finger trails down my neck until he pushes against my pulse. I freeze from the pain.
“I’m not here to hurt you.”
His voice is familiar, but I don’t know from where. I nod my head, promising him my silence. He takes his hand off slowly, watching me with suspicion. When he is sure of my acquiescence, he steps back into the rays of moonlight streaming through my window. For some reason, I think he is older than I remember, but that is impossible. I don’t know him. A deep scar travels from the side of his eye down to his chin.
“You’ve gotten stronger.” He smiles, but there’s no warmth. “It’s been a long time.”
“Who are you?” I jump out of my bed. My breath comes in spurts.
He searches my face then shakes his head as if disappointed. “You don’t remember?”
I shake my head. I maneuver around him, toward the door. “How do you know me?”
“From your birth.” He glances at the door, then me, telling me he knows what I’m doing. “My name is Blake. I was an agent. I taught you to fight.” I stop at his words, unsure. He holds out his hand. “Take it. You’ll see.”
I white-light my body and slowly lay my palm over his. The vision hits me immediately.
I stand in the white room. A blindfold covers my eyes, and a headset drowns out all noise. There’s a burst of air and then a fist in my stomach. I kneel over, gasping for breath.
“Fight,” the man orders from a distance.
I use the only senses I have left to find my opponent. The man watches me, assessing. I can smell the sole of my opponent’s shoe and the remnants of food on her fingertips. I jerk back as the girl goes for my neck. I pivot and strike her in the back. She retaliates with a punch to my face. Blood gushes from my nose and mouth. I fall to the ground, pulling off my blindfold and headphones. I stare at the girl. She is my age. She is my friend.
I pull my hand from his and shake off the memory. “Who am I?”
“The only answer we have,” he murmurs.
I want to scream at him for the elusive response. “What does that mean?”
“For the antidote.” Blake pushes past me toward the door. He sets his ear against it, listening.
“In the Sanctuary?” I play through all the information I can remember. “Why does it matter?”
“It’s the only thing that can save our people,” Blake says. “Save your mother.”
Sure I’ve misheard him; I grip his arm. “My mother is dead.”
Blake looks at me in confusion. “She’s alive. She’s the one that sent me.”
I ache to believe him but know I can’t. “I saw her die. I was there, in the water.”
He steps away from the door to face me. “None of your memories have returned?”
I shake my head, not asking him how he knows about my memories. “What happened that day?”
“We brought her home,” he says, as if it makes perfect sense.
Shock reverberates through me. “And me? You left me there to die?”
“To survive,” Blake corrects. “To save her and every one of our people who are dying.” A noise outside the window interrupts us. Following it is the sound of running feet. I move toward it when he pulls me back. “Pass the Evaluation. Afterward, there will be a ceremony, and you will get access to the Sanctuary.” He hands me a bag with a pill. “Take this on the third day after the ceremony. That night go to the vault. Your blood prick will get you in.”
I try to process all the information as quickly as possible. “You sent me here on purpose?”
“It was the only way. You are our only hope.”
“Whose only hope?” I nearly scream.
“Our people.” Before I can yell at him for more, he says, “We are part of the Resistance.”
The shock pierces me. Desperate for distance, I step as far back from him as possible. My breaths are strangled, as if someone punched me in the gut. The very fear I fought faces me now.
“My mother is part of the Resistance?”
“Julia, your mother, is one of the leaders.”
The Resistance. They are enemies of the Circle and the government. They are on the run, and when any one of them is found, they are killed immediately.
“My father?” I need something other than what he’s told me. “Where is he?”
A flicker of something in his face, but then it’s gone. “He’s dead. Soon after your birth.”
Grief nearly blinds me. It is why I have never felt him. Now I will never know the other half of who made me.
A noise outside makes him cringe. He listens carefully. “I have to go. Do you understand my directions?”
I grip the bag with the pill. “Why do I need to get into the vault?”
“To steal the antidote.”
I must have misheard him. He can’t be asking me to steal the
one thing that is saving everyone’s life.
“Someone will be waiting for you at the boarding dock. You know it?”
“Near the statue?” I vaguely remember it from when we climbed the cliffs. On his nod, my breathing accelerates. “Will my mother be there?”
“She’ll try. If not, they will take you to her.” His face softens. “She’s been waiting a long time for you to come home.”
Warmth spreads through me at his words. But it is momentary. “I can’t steal the antidote. The people here, they need it.”
Blake’s face tightens. “Your mother needs it. She’s dying. You are the only one that can save her. Do you understand?”
The mother I have searched for forever is alive but dying, and I am her only hope? As if on a roller coaster that has come off the rails, I feel like I’m flying without a place to safely land.
“You planned for me to be here? Locked in and beaten in training?” What kind of a mother would do that to her child?
“We have been watching you and monitoring your whereabouts,” he says, as if that excuse is enough.
“What?” The woman in the town - I was sure she knew me. “A woman warned me to leave before there was an explosion. Did she know who I was?”
Before he can answer, a deafening alarm blasts through the halls. His face falls with resignation. He pulls out a gun from his back pocket then opens the door to leave.
“Remember, third night. Pass the Evaluation. Get the antidote.” He starts to leave. “Do you understand?” On my silence, his face hardens. “You’ve been given an order, soldier.”
Memories swamp my mind.
Don’t question orders, soldier. Always do as you are told.
Fear from before rises to the surface. When given an order, I knew to nod yes. Always yes.
“How will you get out?” I ask, not answering his question. I eye the gun warily.
His smile is one of resignation. “I won’t. This is a one-way trip. I can’t chance leading people back to Julia or our members.” He opens the door and starts to leave. When I reach out, ready to follow, he cautions, “If they see you with me, they will kill you on sight.” He slams my door shut with me on the inside. Seconds later, the lock turns.
I smash my hand against the door. I try in vain to get it open. A few minutes later, I hear running and shouting outside my room. I race to the window and angle so I can get a better look through the bars. Agents sprint past below my window with their weapons drawn. A shadow passes, and then there’s a loud boom. It sounds similar to a cannon going off.
Through the doors, hordes of members spill out, followed by Serafina. Harrison comes around the corner.
“Who?” Serafina asks Harrison quietly. “The intruder avoided all the cameras.”
The relief nearly blinds me. Harrison will not track the man to my room.
“One of them,” Harrison murmurs. “Blake.”
In the distance, a body floats in the ocean. My relief dissipates as I gag then swallow my bile. He’s dead. Only minutes ago, I was talking to him, and now he is gone.
Harrison addresses the group. “Blake, an enemy who once called the Circle his home, infiltrated our haven.” He pauses then glances up toward me. I flatten against the wall to remain unseen. “Their sole purpose is to destroy the Circle and kill as many members of the Circle as they can.”
“You killed him,” Serafina bites out. “Without asking him any questions?”
“He wasn’t here for conversation, Serafina,” Harrison says smoothly. “Sorry to disappoint you.”
Only when I am sure it is safe, do I inch closer to the window to watch the scene unfold. Serafina tracks the man’s body as it is picked up by a wave, then tossed into the ocean’s depths. I, too, follow him with my eyes until he is lost from sight.
“He breached the perimeter?” Serafina demands.
“Clearly. One agent injured but fortunately will be fine.”
Behind Serafina, dozens of professors and students, including Ryan, pour out of the doors. Kenji turns and addresses the crowd of students and professors.
“We were lucky tonight. Tonight could have ended worse than it did.”
“Our enemies are always after us,” Harrison adds. “His arrival reminds us that we must always stay vigilant. Always stay on guard and never be fooled.” The alarms fall silent. The lights switch back on, illuminating the grounds. “His death will send a message to others. We will always kill first and ask questions later.”
TWENTY-SEVEN
As I pass the dining hall, I spot the crew inside, seated for dinner. They are laughing with one another as if nothing has changed. I turn back and head toward the library. With everyone eating, it sits empty.
On a computer, I quickly input the login and password Jackie used on the first day. Impatient, I tap my foot anxiously as I wait for the files to load. The beep reverberates in the empty room. I run down the list of names of the Core group. My eyes search for one name — Julia. I find it on the second page.
The name sounds foreign to me. Knowing she’s my mother, I wait for some sense of familiarity, some feeling that I know her. I repeat the name silently as I close my eyes in hopes of garnering an image or memory. Nothing. Frustrated, I click on her name. The computer whirrs as it pulls up her file.
I scan the details of her life. She was born at the Circle to a mother who was a reader, and a father who was an engineer. She was an only child. Her mom was one of the leaders. My grandmother and grandfather both died right before I was born. I take a second to mourn the grandparents I will never know. There’s a listing for one unnamed child — a daughter. Julia left the Circle soon after my birth. Under my life, it reads “Unknown.” There is no mention of other children.
I was born at the Circle. I was one of them before being taken away by my mother to defeat the Circle. Hearing a noise outside, I quickly shut the file then delete the search history before logging out. I straighten everything before hitting the lights and leaving the room.
***
The only answer we have. We are part of the Resistance.
The man’s words repeat over and over in my head. I stand on the ocean’s edge as the water washes over my bare feet, then climbs up my ankles. Uncaring, I step in until the bottom of my jeans is soaked.
My mother gave me up to save herself, to save everyone. The man died to give me the pill and the message that they are coming for me. I will finally go home to the woman I can’t remember. She is the only family I have left. My father is gone.
I stare as far as I can see. But there is no end to the ocean — no clear line of conclusion. The water rushes forward to steal sand and shells off the shore. It then disappears with its stolen goods. Like my memories and identity.
I grab a handful of the broken rocks. The sand filters through the divides in my fingers until there is nearly nothing left. I close my hand into a fist and grip the few pieces of gravel. Then, with a muted roar, I throw back my hand and toss the rest into the ocean. The tiny rocks barely fly a few feet before dropping like shattered pieces into the water.
If I find a way to take the antidote, I will hurt those at the Circle. If I leave it behind, I will destroy my mother and the people who claim me as theirs. But like the sand at my feet, the betrayal of Jackie and Ryan washes over me. With each sweep of water, I remember their actions. The Circle is not my home. It never was.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Serafina asks. I turn in alarm, sure I was alone. She walks barefoot toward me until we are standing side by side.
“Talk about it?” Afraid to reveal anything, I feign ignorance.
“The reason you keep stepping into the ocean and then out.” Serafina points to my feet. “You’ve done it three times since I’ve been watching.”
“Do you normally spend your days watching members?” Angry and confused, I lash out.
“You’re right. I’m not.” The reminder serves its purpose. The only place I belong is with my mother. With the Resistance.
“Not yet,” Serafina adds. “But I think you will be a valuable addition.” Surprised, I look at her for an explanation. “I was born at the Circle,” Serafina starts. “Both of my parents were readers. My father was a direct descendant of the founders and one of its leaders.”
“I didn’t know that.” Intrigued by the information, I listen carefully.
“He was so powerful and all-knowing.” Serafina stares out toward the ocean. Her face softens and loses some of its sternness as she reminisces. “He worked so hard to do what was right for his people.”
“You admired him.”
Serafina glances at me then back toward the ocean. “I loved him. Admiration came much later.”
“I don’t understand,” I say.
Serafina offers me a sad smile. “He died before I realized who he was or what he had done for the Circle.”
“Is that why you became the head of the Circle?”
Serafina nods. “My job determined my worthiness. Was I my father’s daughter?”
Her words conjure thoughts of my mother and my responsibilities. “Why are you telling me this?”
“You’re wondering about your mother?” She points to the footsteps in the sand where I stepped back and forth. “Harrison told the Council about the day you lost her.”
Disgusted, I shake my head. “Ryan told him.”
“Yes.” Serafina doesn’t bother to hide the truth. “But not for the reason you think.”
“Getting me to trust him so he could spill my secrets?” I spit out. “Can’t see a different spin on that.”
Serafina searches my face. Uncomfortable, I force myself not to flinch. Serafina notices then shows surprise followed by sympathy.
“You care for him?” Serafina murmurs.
If I did, it would make me a fool. “No. More like hate him for what he did.”
