by Sage Sask
“I’ve learned love and hate are the two emotions that cause the greatest response here.” She lays her palm over her heart. “The others — revenge, fear, hope — they all come from here.” She moves her hand to her stomach. “We save love and hate for those who make the greatest impact on our lives.”
“And what about emptiness?” I challenge. “Where does that come from?”
“Is that what’s driving you?” Serafina asks.
Angry for having revealed too much, I demur. “Why did you need your father’s validation?”
Serafina smiles, seeing my play. “I needed his love. I made the mistake of believing if I became who he needed, who he wanted, then I would get it.”
Sadness lines her face. “You didn’t?”
“I did,” Serafina says, surprising me. It was not the answer I expected. “But I lost so much as a result.” Her vulnerability clear, she says, “I loved him for who he was and hated him for what I thought I had to be.”
I think about my mother and the Resistance. The man’s demand that I take the antidote from the Circle and sacrifice their people for my own.
“You’re searching for who you are? You think the answer lies with the family you lost?” Serafina asks in the silence.
“Doesn’t it?” I ask, surprised by her insight.
“Sometimes, yes,” Serafina says gently. “But other times it is within us. In the decisions we make. Decisions based not on who we are or where we come from, but on whom we choose to be.”
I hear her regret. “You made the wrong decision?”
Serafina drops her head. “More times than I wish.”
I think about Derrick and his trust in Serafina — how the others respect her. “Is this the person the others see?”
Serafina smiles in understanding. “The job I have requires many hats. You saw the one I needed to wear.”
“Why now? What’s changed?” I ask.
“The truth.”
Serafina takes a step closer. I feel her intensity and compassion. In the moment, when everything else feels adrift, I welcome the warmth of it.
“Victoria read the part of you that was visible. With Ryan you saw the part of you that was hidden.” Serafina gently pats my covered upper arm. “I know you feel betrayed by those around you, but the truth of what really happened to you that day is what has set you free. That was the reason Ryan told — to protect you, not hurt you.”
Ryan’s reason settles inside of me. I want to laugh at the irony. I have Serafina’s trust at the cost of my friendships. I have the truth of my past at the cost of my future at the Circle.
“You said I would be a valuable addition to the Circle. Why do you believe that?” I ask, needing to know for reasons I can’t explain.
“You already survived in the field. You made it on your own. Your desperation drove your determination,” Serafina says. “Now you’ve found us. We are the only family you have. I imagine you’ll do anything to keep it.” Her gaze locked on me, she says, “The Evaluation is soon. Make sure you survive it.”
TWENTY-EIGHT
The crew is seated around their regular table for breakfast. I fill my plate quickly and then, taking the long way to avoid them, find a seat near the back. Alone, I finish my meal in a few bites. Lost in the noise of the room, I barely hear myself think. I don’t mind the sound, however. It is a break from the thoughts in my head, telling me I am a fool.
Serafina’s insistence that Ryan told my secret to protect me, not hurt me, repeats in my head. Unable to accept the reasoning, I push it away. I berate myself for trusting him. For thinking he — or any of them — were my friends. After clearing my plate, I set my dirty dishes in the cart. As I turn back, I slam into Gavin.
“Sorry.” I start to move around him, but he throws an arm out.
“Throwing the baby out with the bathwater?” he asks.
“What?” I have never heard the saying.
“Do all of us get punished for Jackie’s actions?” he rephrases.
Genuine affection reinforces his words, but I cannot let it matter. The visit from the man tells me that my choices are limited. No matter what I want, I can never have it. I am not one of them, nor will I ever be. My people are waiting for me.
“Your loyalty lies with Jackie,” I say. “As it should.”
His gaze follows me as I head for the gym. Inside it, members crowd together as they push themselves past the point of exhaustion. I scan for an open spot when I spot Ryan lifting weights. A myriad of emotions run through me as my gaze lingers on him. I purposely missed our training time this morning. He catches me watching and holds my gaze. His eyes are blank, devoid of any reaction. I look away first and head toward a secluded spot near the heavy bags.
I slip on a pair of gloves and start punching using my whole body. After repeated hits, my shoulders begin to ache. Sweat drips down my back and front. My legs feel like rubber from holding the same position.
Samira and Cassia, drenched with sweat, pass by. Wary, I ignore them and keep hitting the bag.
“Your stance is off.” Samira tugs on the towel wrapped around her neck. “Your legs need to be further apart.”
“Push your shoulders back,” Cassia adds. “You’re going to injure the muscles in your upper back otherwise.”
They have to know what Jackie did. Still, they are here, helping me. With nothing to lose, I follow their advice and correct both my stance and posture. I test it out by punching the bag. My hit feels stronger, and the bag sways in response.
“It worked. Thank you.” I pause, unsure. “Were you waiting for a heavy bag turn?”
“Definitely not,” Cassia says. “We’re done for the day.” She motions toward the sweat that drips off their forehead.
“Ryan usually works us hard in training, but today was just brutal. Any idea why?” Samira asks with a knowing glint in her eyes. On my confused shrug, she says, “Ryan’s not a total ass like David, but the only person he’s ever actually been kind to? Victoria.”
I drop my gaze, not wanting to hear this. My face flies up at her next words.
“Until you.” Over her shoulder she points him out barking orders to another agent before turning her gaze back to me. “He wants you to succeed here.”
“Some things happened…” Without revealing details, I want to correct them in their belief that either Jackie or Ryan cares about me.
“We know what Jackie did,” Cassia says. “She told us after, not before,” Cassia immediately corrects when she sees my fury rise. “And she told us what Ryan did too.”
“Ryan has to prove himself worthy of Harrison’s vote while staying wary of him.” Samira drops her voice to make sure no one overhears. “Not one of us envies him his position.”
“I have nothing to do with Ryan or Harrison.” Everyone is defending his actions. Everyone except Ryan. “He made his choice, and I have to live with it.”
“He’s furious at whatever went down between you two,” Samira insists. “And we paid the price.” She grimaces when she moves her arms.
“No matter how you feel about Ryan and what he did — you need to train to survive the Evaluation. Focus on that,” Cassia says. “Drown all the other noise out.”
TWENTY-NINE
I move carefully, so I am out of range of the cameras perched on the ledge. Though a direct path leads to the Sanctuary, I reroute and take an obscured one. Through the trees, I watch as older members arrive and depart. Unaware of me, they talk openly amongst themselves.
My path veers left, bringing me to the side of the building. Two ivory pillars welcome visitors through double French doors. Large, stately windows replace walls. Two agents man the front door. Every visitor scans their palm.
From a side window, I peek inside. An oversized fountain sits in the middle of the marble floor. Planted trees encircle the foyer. Doctors an
d nurses with stethoscopes hanging off their necks speak to people I recognize as members.
A deep yearning and sadness wrap around me. Unsure of the source, I lay my hand against the white wall. Nothing. I scoff at my expectation. Then, suddenly, I feel a stirring in my gut. My fingers curl against the wall. I lay my other hand alongside and rest my forehead against the cold exterior.
I am almost ten. Alone in the training room, I stand, staring at the walls. There are tears on my cheeks that I desperately try to hide.
“I’m sorry it isn’t me.” The boy in my vision comes to stand next to me.
“I don’t want to leave,” I admit without looking at him.
His words are filled with sadness. “I don’t want you to go.” He grips my hand. “But you will come back. You have to.”
“How do you know?” I ask.
“Because Mama promised me. Now you.”
“I promise.”
The memory leaves me as fast as it comes. My breathing comes in spurts. I reach for the vision again, yearning for the brother I didn’t know I have. He and my mother are waiting for me. No matter my mother’s decision, I must go back. The only way I can is if I survive the Evaluation.
Desperation tears at me. Anxious for another memory, I lay my hands on the wall again when there’s a rustling of leaves. Immediately dropping them, I step back just as Victoria rounds the corner.
“Alexia,” Victoria says. “Nice to see you.” Though curious about her choice of words, I stay silent. “I can feel movement,” she says to my unanswered question. “A shift in the air. It’s subtle, but with one sense gone, the others get heightened.” She moves a basket of crystals from one hand to the other. “What are you doing here?”
I stiffen at her question, and then force myself to relax. I remind myself she is unaware of my real motivation. “I was out walking. Nothing important to report, I promise.” When her face tightens, I welcome the small feeling of victory. Having no desire to be around her or interact, I move to leave. “Have a good night.”
“Do you know someone inside there?” Victoria calls out.
I glance at the Sanctuary and then her. “No. Do you?”
“I know everyone.” Her answer makes me feel foolish. “They are members who gave their lives to the Circle. Every one of them put others’ needs before their own.” On her pause, I see her struggle with her emotions. “They are fighting for their lives, and they are losing. The antidote is the only thing that gives them a chance.”
Her words shake me to my core. They are a reminder that there is another side to the story. My mother and the Resistance need the antidote. But so do the people here.
“The antidote…” Though hesitant, I search for information. “How does it work?”
“It helps slow down the effects of the serum.”
“The serum?” I ask, playing dumb.
“Come.” Victoria motions for me to follow her to the front window.
Cautious, I keep a few steps between us. Inside the foyer, Jackie sits next to a man in a wheelchair. Others linger around, talking, and spending time. Jackie laughs at something the man said, though her mouth is tight and the lines around her eyes crease with stress.
“The serum was meant to make the receiver stronger, their readings more powerful,” Victoria explains. “It came at the cost of their memories and their health. Their bodies slowly started to break.”
Blake told me my mother was dying. I watch as Jackie kneels in front of the man in the wheelchair. She gently wipes away his drool with a washcloth. She lays a hand on his cheek and says something that makes him smile. His tired eyes shut at her touch. She wheels him toward a hallway and out of sight.
“Everyone in there is sick because of the serum?”
“Yes. Some people it didn’t affect. Others weren’t so lucky. The Sanctuary helps them to heal.”
“How?”
“It’s built on a rare crystal.” She runs her hand over the ones in her basket. “It’s known to have extraordinary healing powers. Crystals offer a connection to energies.” Sadness lines every one of her features. Suddenly, I see her not just as Ryan’s girlfriend or David’s sister but a person with her own thoughts and feelings. “It’s the only hope we have.”
“Why did you show me this?” I ask, even as I yearn to leave her presence. I don’t want to hear how she worries about the people I am expected to hurt.
“Because you make him choose,” she says softly.
Confused, I try to read through her words. “Make who choose?”
She starts to answer and then stops. She runs a tired hand over her eyes. “Please remember, more than you and me and what we want, these people matter.”
“You and I aren’t in the same sentence,” I tell her, angry for reasons I have no explanation for. “We have nothing to do with one another.”
She scoffs, the sound filled with bitterness. “Then you are not as good a reader as I feared.”
“You’re talking in riddles.” Wanting to be anywhere other than with her, I ready to leave. “I don’t have time.”
“I saw you coming,” she says, shocking me. “Felt it for months. I warned Ryan about you, but David was the only one who would listen.”
“Warned them?” I ask, suddenly scared. Did she know my secret? “About what?”
“That you will destroy us. I don’t know how or when, but all I can do is beg you not to.” She walks away, leaving me to stare after her.
THIRTY
I arrive at my door just as Ryan exits the bathroom.
“You’ve missed two training sessions,” he says as a greeting.
“Congratulations, you can count.” Still confused from my conversation with Victoria, I move to go past him. “Good talk.”
He reaches for my upper arm. His fingers barely touch my bare skin. But, too exhausted to shut down, I feel a flash of pain and then darkness. Instead of a vision, I am flooded with a series of emotions — confusion, frustration, and want. Victoria’s words mix with his feelings. Unsure, I reach toward them again, hoping to understand, when Ryan yanks his hand off. Immediately, the message shuts down.
“You read me?”
“No,” I lie. I have no explanation for the read. “You threatened me with death if I did, remember?”
“Then your reaction?” he asks.
“My joy at being handled by you,” I cover. “Is this how you treat Victoria?” She’s in my head no matter how much I want her out.
He looks away. “Victoria is not a topic of discussion between you and me.”
“Excellent. In fact, let’s not have any topics of discussion between you and me,” I return.
“You need to train,” he orders when I start to walk away, “to survive the Evaluation.”
“I’m not your concern,” I bite back. Samira’s and Cassia’s words hang over me, but I refuse to give them weight. His actions spoke for him.
“I was assigned to train you. That’s my job.”
“You already did your job, agent,” I remind him. “You revealed my secrets. You played me. Perfectly.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” He holds my gaze. The same warmth I saw before is back, but I reject it. He is not my friend, and I mean nothing to him.
“You didn’t hurt me. That would mean you mattered, and you don’t. Just like I don’t matter to you. To any of you,” I add quickly when his eyes narrow. Before he can say anything else, I rush to my room and slam the door. I wait until I hear his footsteps go past before getting into bed, but sleep proves impossible for hours.
THIRTY-ONE
The next morning I head to the gym which reeks of sweat and old shoes. I spot Ryan immediately. He stretches with one foot against the wall. Surrounded by other agents, he laughs at something someone has said. It is the most relaxed I have seen him since we met. His smile fades w
hen he sees me. He leaves his group and heads toward me, but I start the other way.
“We can do it my way or your way.” He catches up to me in seconds. “Mine is easier. Painful for you but easier for me,” he explains. “Which is it?”
“Threats again?” I ask, looking bored. “You forget, I know who you are now and I’m immune.”
“I don’t believe that,” he murmurs. I give him a sharp look, but his face remains neutral. “I’m not asking you to train with me.”
Confused, I take a second, and then nod. “Excellent. If you’ll excuse me.”
“You’re with me,” Derrick says from behind us. “You need to train, Alexia. The Evaluation is around the corner.” His reminder conjures the fear I try to suppress. “It’s the only chance you have.”
I shift my glance between the two of them. Both are strong and confident. They mirror one another in ability. “You have better things to do,” I argue.
Derrick smiles, and I feel his kindness. “Not really.” He softens his voice. “We don’t have to talk. Just fight.”
“You make it sound better and better.” But I know he is giving me his time and energy when he doesn’t have to. Grateful, I nod my head yes to Derrick. “Thanks.”
Derrick leads the way to the back room. I feel Ryan’s gaze on us the entire time. Derrick waits until I am fully inside the empty room before shutting the door behind us. Before he does, I see him nod once to Ryan. I look away.
“Hand-to-hand combat.” Derrick and I face one another on the mat. “Ready?” Before I can answer, he pivots on his heel and strikes me in the abdomen. The hit is controlled but vicious. I stagger back and fight to keep my footing. A determined glint in his eyes, he asks, “What do you want?”
“To survive the Evaluation.” He can never know why.
“Then get ready.”
I take the few seconds to white light my body before he throws his punch. It slams against the side of my chin. My head flies back. The pain radiates to my temples. I shake my head then hold up both arms with fists ready.
