The Casual Rule

by AC Netzel

  I pick myself up and peek through the peephole. Ben is gone. Breathing a sigh of relief, I open the door to see if the neighbors are looking to have me evicted. Upon opening the door, I see Ben slumped against the wall next to my apartment door… passed out cold. His hair is a tousled mess, his clothes are wrinkled, and he stinks of scotch. Jeez, he reeks of scotch. How much did he drink? I sigh dejectedly.

  I look down at this drunken mess of a man in front of me and all I can think is…I love him so much. What the fuck is wrong with me? Against my better judgment, I try to wake him.

  “Ben, wake up.” I gently shake him.

  He grumbles something unintelligible and slumps over. Crap. Crapity Crap. Should I just leave him here? Yes, I should, the inebriated idiot, but I know if I don’t move him one of my neighbors will call the cops on the drunk sleeping it off in the hallway. I groan to myself, knowing what I have to do.

  “Come on, Ben. Let’s get you inside.” I shake him a little harder; he opens his eyes and looks up at me. His eyes are bloodshot and glassy. He looks so sad, like a lost little boy. It breaks my heart. I hold out my hand and he grabs mine. With all my strength, I pull him off the floor. He’s so out of it; it’s like pulling ten tons of dead weight. He’s unstable on his feet and his shoulder slams into the wall. That’s going to hurt tomorrow. “Here, support yourself on me. I grab his arm and wrap it around my shoulder then put my arm around his waist. He’s wobbling all over the place. I’m praying he doesn’t take us both down to the ground.

  “You are sooooo beautiful,” he slurs.

  “You’re drunk.”

  “A little.” He winks as he stumbles across the floor.

  A little? He smells like he bathed in an oak barrel at the distillery.

  We reach the couch and I let him go. He plops on the couch like a rag doll and lies down. I carefully take off his socks and shoes. He so out of it, he hardly moves.

  “I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he mumbles.

  I hate drunks. They babble on and you have no idea what they’re talking about. He’s probably having an imaginary conversation with me in his head right now. I cover him with a folded crocheted blanket sitting on my armchair. He’s already unconscious. Maybe I should place a pot on the floor by the couch, in case he gets sick.

  I stare down at the drunken mess sprawled out in front of me. I’m angry with myself for still loving him. I think back to all the reasons I fell in love with him; the way he made me laugh, his stupid coins, his love for his family, our quiet moments, how he made me feel beautiful. I hate him. I hate me. I bend down, run my fingers through his hair and press my lips against his forehead, lightly kissing him. I’ve missed this… the soft feel of his hair, the warmth of his skin against mine…Him. Just when I think my heart can’t break anymore, it does. Being this close to him kills me a little more inside.

  I turn to walk to my bedroom, exhausted from tonight. As I’m leaving I hear Ben turning on the couch.

  “Where is he?” he slurs.

  I stop and face the couch. “Who?”

  “The guy you’re fucking,” he sputters angrily.

  I roll my eyes. Now I know the reason for this late night visit. “Go to sleep, Ben.” I shake my head and walk back toward my bedroom.

  “I love you,” he mumbles softly.

  Did he just say…?

  I turn around to look at him. He’s out cold. I know what I heard. I know I didn’t imagine it. I walk back over to the armchair facing the couch and sit, staring at this passed out mess of a man. He loves me? Was that him or the alcohol talking? Will he even remember he said it in the morning?

  Fuck you, Ben. Just when I think I can’t get any more confused, he throws this at me. He loves me; at least the intoxicated version of Ben loves me. But the sober one, the one that counts, doesn’t want me for anything more than a good time in the sack.

  I know this drunken confession should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It makes me angry and sad. I’ve poured my heart out to this man and he just sat there silently and said nothing. Not a damned thing. He let me go. He watched me leave as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

  Allie loves the toaster, the lamp post, the taxi driver, everybody and anybody when she’s this smashed too. It’s the words of a drunk and they’re meaningless. Our relationship, the sex… all meaningless. I was too blinded by my feelings for him to see it clearly.

  ~o0o~

  I wake up with a jolt as my elbow slips off the armrest of the chair I slept on last night. Ben is still unconscious on the couch. I feel like shit from the two hours of sleep I got. I quietly watch him sleep. I hate that I miss him. I hate that all I want to do is join him on that couch and snuggle in close to him, to feel him, to love him.

  After about twenty minutes of sitting here nervously bouncing my knee up and down, Ben begins to stir. My stomach has once again relocated to my throat. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if I have anything to say. He slowly opens his eyes and blinks a few times, then swings himself around and sits up. He places his elbows on his knees and rubs his face in his hands. Running his fingers through his hair, he looks at me with glassy, bloodshot eyes. He looks dazed, disheveled, confused, and absolutely beautiful.

  Our eyes meet, but we say nothing.

  I stand up from my chair and silently walk to the kitchen, coming back with a glass of water and two Advil. I set them on the coffee table in front of the couch and sit back down on the chair, looking at Ben. His eyes nervously look toward the window, he winces at the sunlight.

  Good, he’s hungover. Serves him right, the drunken idiot.

  “How did I get here?” he asks softly, rubbing his shoulder. Yeah, I figured that would hurt.

  “You were pounding on my door, making a scene. I found you passed out in the hallway.”

  “What did I say?”

  “You don’t remember?”

  “No.” He shakes his head and cringes. That must be some headache he has.

  “You just rambled on and wanted me to open the door.”

  “I’m sorry,” he mutters, staring down at his feet.

  “Sorry for what?”

  “Making a scene.”

  I nod. “How do you feel?” I ask.

  “Shitty,” he grumbles.

  “You look it.”

  “Thanks,” he answers sarcastically.

  There’s an awkward silence. I decide to break the ice. “Well, I guess you should be going.”

  “Do you have …company here?” he asks, glancing anxiously toward my bedroom. He must think Pierce is here.

  “No, we’re alone.”

  He nods, looking relieved. “Julia…,” he breathes.

  I hold up my hand to stop him.

  “Ben, I think we’ve said all we have to say to each other. Unless you have something new to add, it’s time for you to go.”

  He sighs, resigned. I guess last night’s confessional was exactly what I thought, a drunken rambling. Meaningless.

  “Do you hate me?” he asks.

  “Sometimes,” I answer honestly.

  “I miss you, Julia,” he says quietly.

  “I miss you too. Please leave.”

  He stares down at the floor, turning his head to the side as he rakes his fingers through his hair. He exhales a long breath and looks up at me. “Is he your boyfriend?”

  “Who?”

  “That guy you were with last night.”

  I sigh and ignore the question.

  “Are you sleeping with him?” he asks.

  “That’s none of your business. I’m taking a shower. Go home, Ben. I can’t do this anymore. You know where the door is. Besides, I’m sure Camille is wondering where you are,” I say matter-of-factly.

  “Why would she wonder?” He frowns.

  I tilt my head and purse my lips. Why do you think, you idiot? The look of disgust on my face apparently gave away exactly what I was thinking, as Ben’s eyes widen. “Camille is just a friend,” he sa
ys, shaking his head.

  “So was I. I know what you do with your friends.”

  “It’s not like that,” he says emphatically.

  “What you do in your personal life has nothing to do with me anymore. You’re a grown man. You don’t owe me explanations; you don’t owe me anything. We want different things. Let’s just leave it at that and move on with our lives.” I sigh. “I have asked you nicely, now I’m telling you. Go home, Ben. Please. Just go.”

  He nods solemnly, looking defeated. He bends down to pick his shoes and socks up off the floor. I know if I watch him walk out my door, it’ll break me. It’s taking all the strength I have not to hold him right now, tell him I was wrong and never let him go.

  “I’m going to take a shower. Please lock the door on your way out.” I stand up from my chair, fighting the urge to jump into his arms and tell him I’ll wait for him to love me, that I love him enough for the both of us.

  “I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore,” he says sadly, his voice low.

  I nod, biting down on my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. Using all the strength I can gather, I turn around and walk toward the bathroom.

  “Julia?”

  I turn to look at him.

  “I never meant to hurt you,” he says softly.

  “I know,” I whisper, barely able to get out the words. I turn back around and walk into my bathroom. I turn the shower on as I sit on the bathroom floor; my face buried in my hands with the noise of the water masking the sounds of my sobs as my body heaves uncontrollably.

  Chapter 20

  After my shower, I peek out of the bathroom to see if Ben is still in the apartment. Thankfully, he left. I don’t have the strength to talk to him anymore. I’m tired of feeling beaten down.

  With a towel wrapped around my wet hair, I walk out from the bathroom in my blue terrycloth robe and head to the kitchen for a bottle of water. I need to rehydrate from all my crying.

  The apartment door flings open and Allie dances through. Obviously she and Vince had a very good night. “Good morning,” she chirps as she glides into the kitchen. She stops in her tracks and stares at me. “What happened?”

  “Nothing happened. What are you talking about?”

  “Your eyes are puffy and red. You’ve been crying. Why are you upset? Does this have anything to do with you leaving the club last night?”

  I look down to the floor and nod, holding back my tears. I honestly don’t know if I have any more tears to cry.

  “Oh Julia, what happened? Vince said Pierce took you home. Did he do something to you?”

  “No. Nothing like that.” I shake my head.

  “It’s him again, isn’t it?” Her voice is laced with anger.

  “Yes,” I answer softly. “He was there…at Sinful…with her.”

  “Shit. Did he talk to you?”

  “He wanted to, but no. I didn’t give him the opportunity. He tried to find me on the dance floor. I knew I had to go.”

  “Weren’t you curious to hear what he had to say?”

  “I wanted to get as far away from him as possible. I didn’t want to see him, especially since he had that bitch with him. So I left. Pierce saw what was happening, which is why he made sure I got home.”

  “That was nice of him.”

  “Yeah, he’s a stand-up guy. Too bad there’s not more like him out there. I…I invited him in,” I stutter, biting my thumbnail.

  “You did? Did you…?”

  “No. He turned down my invitation. Said I was vulnerable and didn’t want to take advantage of me.”

  “Wow, that was decent.”

  “He was a real gentleman. I was such an emotional mess. I don’t know if I would have gone through with it, if we decided to… well, you know. But I’m grateful he took it off the table and went home.”

  “Is that what’s upsetting you?” She reaches across and squeezes my shoulder.

  “I wish that was it.”

  “What the fuck else happened?”

  I stare at her, pursing my lips.

  She nods, narrowing her eyes. “Ben,” she says sharply.

  “Yes, he showed up in the middle of the night, beyond drunk and was pounding on our door.”

  “Why did he come here?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know.”

  “Maybe he misses you,” she says quietly.

  “Maybe he misses screwing me,” I snap.

  “What did he say?”

  “He was demanding I open the door. I ignored him.”

  “Good. He doesn’t deserve your time.”

  “Unfortunately he got it anyway. I found him passed out in the hallway. I dragged him in before someone called the cops.”

  “Shit….the drunken asshole.” Her hand flies over her mouth as she shakes her head.

  “Yeah, well, the drunken asshole slept it off on our couch. As soon as he woke up I asked him to leave.”

  “Did he say anything to you?”

  I pause and take a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “He told me he loved me.”

  Her eyes widen. “He did? That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

  “Not like that. He was three sheets to the wind when he said it. He didn’t even remember saying it this morning. Hell, he had no idea how he ended up on our couch. All he cared about was if I was screwing around with Pierce. I gave him the opportunity to tell me again when he was more coherent and he didn’t. It was meaningless babble. I told him to go.”

  “Good for you. Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “What I do know is I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who cares about me as much as I care about him… it’s hard to think that way, but I have no choice.”

  “Because you still love him.” She reaches over and strokes my arm.

  I swallow hard and nod. “More than I thought I could. But being part of a one-sided love affair will never be enough for me. And I won’t wait for him to come around, like her. If she wants to live her life in an eternal state of uncertainty, waiting on Ben Martin to commit, more power to her. But, for as much as I love him, I have to be realistic and let him go. I won’t do that to myself. Like you said, guys like Ben aren’t wired for long term or any kind of commitment. I know he didn’t mean to, but he broke my heart…” My voice cracks. “I’m the only one who can fix it.” I shake my head and look to the floor. “Besides, I’m driving myself crazy. I think I see him all the time. I hear his voice in my dreams. I miss him, Allie. I really miss him. But I’m going to be committed to a padded room if I don’t start working on myself and get over him.”

  “Maybe Pierce is your answer.”

  “You know what, Al? I’m just going to take life as it comes. If I stumble on love again, fine. If not, so be it. I still have you.”

  “You’ll always have me.”

  I wrap my arms around Allie and hug her tightly. “I know. Maybe you’re the love of my life.”

  “That asshole really fucked you up, didn’t he? Now you’re switching teams,” she teases.

  “Maybe.” I laugh.

  “There’s nothing that makes me happier than the smile of my future wife. I’m very proud of you. I know sending him away was hard for you to do. You’re going to be okay. You will.”

  “Thanks Allie. Someday, I hope so. Now, enough about me. Tell me more about Vince.”

  “Oh, he was fine.” She blushes.

  This is why I love Allie. I can tell from her blush that she really likes Vince. I also know that she doesn’t want to rub in the fact that she found a piece of happiness while I’m knocked down. I reach over and hold her hand.

  “I know you’re trying to protect my feelings. But I want you to share with me. I love that you’ve found someone. You’re my best friend. Your happiness is all I want. Truly. Please don’t ever feel that you can’t share something good with me. In fact, I need to hear it. Restore my faith in humanity. Tell me about Vince.”

  “Are you sure?” sh
e asks cautiously.

  “The last thing I need is you tiptoeing around me. No walking on eggshells. Deets. Give me the deets.”

  She sighs and her hidden grin surfaces. “Holy fucking orgasms. He’s so down and dirty in bed; he even makes me blush. And don’t get me started on where he falls on my sausage scale. God, I love it.” She beams.

  ~o0o~

  It’s been almost two weeks since Ben showed up drunk at my door. True to his word, he hasn’t been back. Fortunately, his book has been with the printers, so I haven’t had to deal with him professionally yet. Soon, I’ll have no choice. I’ll worry about that another day.

  I still think I see him everywhere, walking the streets, coming out of the Sunshine Deli, walking out of Emilio’s. I’m down to just three dreams a week of him, at least the dreams I remember. He either loves me or leaves me in every dream…. sometimes both. It’s exhausting.

  I need to exorcise him and all the ghosts that follow.

  “Vivian, we have no appointments today. Would you mind if I left work early? I have a few errands I was hoping I could take care of.”

  “Sure, go ahead. Maybe I’ll sneak out early too. I can go for a quick massage to perk up my mood.”

  I smile. “Sounds like a plan. Thanks. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Good night, Julia. Have fun.”

  ~o0o~

  I’m never going to move forward until I face my Ben demons. Maybe it won’t be too hard; his demons are probably casual too.

  I button up my coat and wrap my scarf snugly around my neck. I grab my hat and put it on my head. Now I’m ready to freeze my ass off.

  My first stop is Central Park. Here’s where it all began. The park is so different in the winter. The sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is shining bright. The air is crisp with just a hint of a breeze. The grass is now dormant, brown and crunchy. Despite the chill in the air, the park is busy with tourists, dog walkers, groups of teenagers and a couple of joggers. The leaves on the trees are gone. Still, the park is enchanting.

  I find an empty bench and sit, watching the world continue to move around me. I have been so wrapped up in my own drama; I forgot there’s life out here. I turn my head and look toward the Great Lawn where we first met and smile wistfully, remembering our first disastrous exchange.