by AC Netzel
This extraordinary place in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a city moving at a million miles an hour is where I met my great love…I know it’s him, and it’ll probably always be him. But here’s where I have to start letting him go if I want to move on.
I’m so torn. I don’t want to hurt anymore, yet I don’t want him completely gone from my heart. He’s a part of it, even the tiny shattered pieces. How do I make him just disappear? I’ve tried for weeks. I feel so lost without him. How do you just shut off love? Is it even possible?
I straighten my posture and take in a deep breath. Stop it! I came here to rid myself of the demons, not torture myself with their memories. I stand from the bench and leave the park.
There’s a street vendor selling pretzels and chestnuts right outside the entrance. I’m surprised to see the chestnuts. Their season is usually over by now. It must be a sign. The smoky scent of the burning coals makes me smile as I think back to the bag of chestnuts waiting for me on my car seat on Christmas Eve. He had this way of picking up on the smallest details of anything I’d say in passing. The chestnuts… my crane-game elephant…. When I didn’t think he was paying much attention, he was.
I haven’t had a chestnut since that car ride. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a bag. It reminded me of happier times. But I can’t take away things that have made me happy just because he’s not a part of them anymore.
“A bag of chestnuts, please.” I give the street vendor a five dollar bill. Taking one out of the small brown paper bag, I peel off the hard shell and take a bite. It’s delicious. I’m glad I haven’t lost my taste for it. He hasn’t taken everything away.
With my bag of chestnuts in hand, I continue on to my last and hardest destination. My cheeks are stinging from the cold, but I continue walking, it’s helping me clear out my head. Figure out how to move forward.
I stand in front of Emilio’s Café and stare in the front window. As usual, the place is bustling with people. My stomach is in knots. I no longer feel the cold. I no longer feel anything. “Our Place”, that’s what he called it. And it was all bullshit.
Ever since I saw Ben with that bitch here, I’ve avoided walking past it. I’m tired of inconveniencing myself and crossing the street to steer clear of a building. That’s just stupid. Brick and mortar. That’s all this place is. I will not fear it anymore.
Taking in a deep breath, I open the door. The place looks the same, a small slice of Barcelona. Summoning all my courage, I walk to the end of the bar and take a seat. I need to sit here…if only for five minutes, just to prove to myself that I’m not broken or afraid anymore.
I order a club soda with lime and watch people saunter in and out. There’s a bar menu in a holder in front of me. I grab it and take a look. I’m not hungry, but I’m curious to see what they have to offer. This isn’t a typical bar food menu; it’s all tapas. I liked eating the small portions and trying a little bit of everything. I’m not going to let him take that away from me too.
I glance at my watch and breathe a sigh of relief. It’s five o’clock. My five minutes are up. I passed my bravery test. I throw a five dollar bill on the bar and get up to leave. My eyes are on my coat as I button it up, readying myself to face the cold again. When I look back up, I gasp.
I came here to exorcise my demons and who walks in but the demon himself.
Chapter 21
I’m usually the invisible woman when I’m here and for once I wish I really was. I quickly sit back down and hold the menu up to cover my face. I don’t want him to see me.
Ben walks into the bar area and sits at the opposite end near the window. The bartender hands him a beer without asking as they exchange some pleasantries. His eyes are focused out the window watching people walk by. Oh God, what if he’s meeting her here. That’ll kill me to witness. I can’t bear to see him hold her, smile at her the way he used to smile at me, kiss her. It’ll crush me.
I peek over the menu and watch him. It’s taking everything in my power not to walk over to him, touch him, wrap my arms around him, and never let him go. I’ve been fooling myself all afternoon. I love him and it’s never going to stop.
“Do you see her?” the bartender asks Ben.
He shakes his head. “No, not yet.”
Shit. He is meeting her here. I have to go. I won’t torture myself watching them together. I swivel my barstool toward the back of the room and slip on my hat. He’s too busy concentrating on staring out that window to notice anyone leave. I inhale a deep breath and stand. It’s time to make my run for it.
In a ridiculous attempt at my own personal covert operation, I pull my hat down slightly over the side of my face and quickly walk out. As I pull the door open, thinking I made a clean break, some moron comes plowing in and knocks right into me, causing me to stumble back a few steps.
“Sorry Miss,” he apologizes.
“It’s fine,” I grumble, as I barrel forward, looking to make my escape. I’m halfway out the door when I hear my name.
“Julia?” Ben shouts.
Damn. It’s the Cheese Shop all over again; Ben spots me and I run away like a coward. I dash through the crowded sidewalk, stretching my hat down to cover as much of my face as I can without rendering me completely blind.
“Julia!” He catches up to me, grabs my arm and stops me.
I look down furiously at his hand on my forearm and back at him. Our gazes lock… I want to kiss him and punch him in the face. I’m not sure which feeling is stronger. “Let go of my arm,” I hiss.
He releases his grip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you like that. I just wanted to see you.”
“You see me. Goodbye.” I turn and walk straight ahead. I have no idea where the hell I’m going.
“Julia. Can I talk to you for one minute? Please.”
I stop and glare at him. “Don’t you have someone to meet? I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be kept waiting.”
He frowns. “I’m not meeting anyone.”
“Don’t lie to me. I heard what the bartender asked you. Is Camille running late?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not meeting Camille.”
“Oh, tired of her already? You move fast, Ben. Already lined up a new friend?”
“You misunderstood what you heard. I was not there to meet anyone.”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot. He asked you if you saw ‘her’ yet. Go back to Emilio’s. You don’t want to keep ‘her’ waiting.”
“You are so fucking frustrating. I was not meeting anyone. The ‘her’ he was referring to is you.”
I cock my head and frown. “Me? That makes no sense. You couldn’t possibly know I’d be there.”
“I didn’t.” He sighs. “Look, I hadn’t planned on doing this today but since you’re in front of me… I have things to say to you. We can’t talk in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. Will you come back to my place? Please.”
“No Ben. I don’t want to talk to you. I want to forget you.”
“I promise you will never see me again if you just talk to me. I’ll switch publishers. I’ll do anything you ask. Just hear me out.”
“Then you’ll leave me alone?”
“I swear on my grandmother’s life.” I know how much he loves his grandmother. He’d never say anything like that unless he meant it.
“Fine. I’ll give you five minutes. Then we’re done talking. Are we on the same page?” I know it’s bitchy, but I purposely throw those words back in his face.
He nods with a slight smirk. “I suppose I deserved that. Did it feel good?”
“What?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.” He places his hand on my back and leads me in the direction of his place three blocks away. His brief touch sends a spark through my body. The bastard.
Our walk is silent. I cross my arms, pouting like a spoiled brat as I steal secret glimpses of his perfect profile. I have no idea what the hell he has to say. The casual fool probably needs to ease his guilty conscience for
breaking poor little Julia’s heart. I don’t want his pity. I have to hold on to my anger. Anger is good. It’s better than crying.
~o0o~
We enter the lobby of his building and walk into the waiting elevator. Once the doors close, I feel the magnetic pull; my body instinctively leans toward him. I hate that even in my hurt and anger; I’m so damn attracted to him. The tension between us is palpable. I cast my eyes down toward the floor; if we make eye contact I’m going to fall into his arms. I know he’s watching me, I feel it. Why, oh fucking why, did I agree to this?
Ben clears his throat. “You look well.”
I nod politely. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.
Finally, the elevator stops and the doors slide open. “After you.” He holds his arm out. I walk past him without waiting, marching at a brisk pace toward his apartment. He catches up to me at his door. Reaching into his pocket, he digs out his key ring, fumbles with it and drops it. He actually looks nervous.
He picks up the keys and puts it in the lock. He turns the key and slowly opens the door. Warily, I enter. I never thought I’d walk through this door again. It feels strange being here. There are so many happy memories in this apartment, except for the last one when I left him. I briefly look into the kitchen and see a messy pile of mail sitting on the counter and a few dirty dishes near the sink. I guess the anal retentive fairy took the week off.
“Can I take your coat?”
I unbutton my coat and hand it to him along with my scarf and hat. I don’t know why I even bothered. I don’t plan on staying.
“Would you like a drink?” he asks with a tight smile.
“No. I won’t be here long,” I snap, holding on to my anger.
He nods as his smile fades. “Let’s have a seat, shall we?”
We walk to the couch and sit on either end. I place my hand on my knee to stop it from nervously bouncing up and down. I look down at my watch. “You have five minutes.”
“Okay. How are you?” he asks.
“I’m fine,” I answer curtly. “Is that why you brought me here? To ask me how I’m doing?”
“No,” he answers, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “First, I’d like to apologize for showing up at your apartment the way I did.”
“You mean shit-faced?” I huff.
“Yes. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” At least he looks embarrassed. “After I left, I walked back to my apartment.”
“You walked to your apartment from the Village? That had to be one hell of a walk.”
He clears his throat. “I had a lot to think about, my behavior was inexcusable.”
“Fine. Apology accepted. Care to explain how you knew I was at Emilio’s?”
“I had no idea you were there.”
“You said you were there to see me.”
“I was,” he says cautiously.
“You’re not making any sense.”
“You once mentioned that you pass Emilio’s on your way to the subway station to and from work. Since you left me… As often as I could, I’d sit at the bar at Emilio’s and wait for you to walk by, just to get a quick glimpse of you. I told you… You are the her the bartender was referring to.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I had to see you. You were so upset when you left me. I was worried about you. I needed to know you were okay.”
He’s been stalking me?
“That was weeks ago. Why are you still watching me?”
“At first, I tried to convince myself it was to make sure you were all right. But as time went on, I realized that I was fooling myself. I tried to stop thinking about you, wondering about you. Move on, like I always had. It’s all I knew.” He hesitates then shrugs contritely. “I couldn’t get you out of my head. You owned my thoughts; you belong there. I missed you so fucking much but I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already had. I had this overwhelming need to see you. I couldn’t stop myself. I tried. I just couldn’t stay away. So I continued going to Emilio’s to catch a quick glimpse of you. It became difficult when you started crossing the street. Why did you do that?”
His admission confuses me. “I saw you there with Camille. I didn’t want to see the two of you together ever again.”
“She found me there one day. She was worried about me. I was pretty messed up after you left.”
“You and her aren’t?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Julia, there’s been no one else. No one. You’re the only one I wanted. You’re the only one I want.”
“Ben, we’ve been through this. We both want different things.” I stand up from the couch. “I’m not interested in being just a sex partner. This is a waste of time. I’m leav-.”
He cuts me off. “My five minutes aren’t up. Sit back down and hear me out.”
I roll my eyes and sit. “Fine.”
“I thought we wanted different things too. Then one day, I went to check up on my grandmother. She asked about you. I think she likes you for sticking up for me at Christmas.”
I knew I liked that woman.
“I told her about the bank you gave me. It got us talking about my grandfather’s coin collection. She told me how happy she was that I continued the tradition and you’ve seen it. She said its worth isn’t in the gold or rare finds. What made the coins truly valuable was having someone to share them with. Reluctantly, I told her that you and I weren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“You did?”
“Yes, I did. She was disappointed. She told me a story about her and my grandfather before they married. They were in Central Park, right in front of Bethesda Fountain, when they got into a fight over something trivial. She threatened to call off their engagement. To prove his love to her, he pulled a coin out from his pocket. It was one he’d been looking for years to locate. He finally found it and purchased it that day from some collector. He took it, closed his eyes and threw it in the fountain. She thought he lost his mind. She asked him why he threw it in the water. He said he made a wish… that they would never be apart. That’s when she realized she was the most valuable thing in his life. And that’s how she knew he would always be the one. Then she asked me… if I had a coin to throw, what would my wish be?” He tilts his head and smiles. “I knew my answer immediately. I told her I’d throw every coin in that collection in the fountain and wish you and I were never apart.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I blink a few times and secretly pinch the top of my hand to make sure I’m not dreaming.
Ben continues. “She smiled and told me she already knew my answer. She said I needed to get off my ass and make things right with you.”
“What are you saying, Ben?”
He slides across the couch, close to me, takes my hands in his and gazes into my eyes. “The day after Christmas…when you asked me if I felt something the night before… I did. I felt it too.” He swallows hard, his expression uneasy. “I know we made love that night.”
“I don’t understand. You just sat there and said nothing while my heart was shattering right in front of you,” I whisper, the pain from that morning returning and searing right through me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I panicked. I was afraid of what I was feeling.” He gazes down at our hands, his thumb lightly skimming over my knuckles. He looks up at me; his eyes search mine, looking for a clue to what I’m thinking.
Angrily, I pull my hands away. “You hurt me. You gutted me. You let me leave thinking I was nothing more to you than a good time,” I hiss.
He pales as his chin slumps into his chest. “I’m sorry. You were always more to me. I didn’t think I was capable of giving you what you wanted. I thought letting you go was the right thing to do.” He looks back up at me. “I’ve started seeing a therapist.”
This captures my attention. “You have?”
“I had to figure out some things. Apparently, I have commitment issues.”
“No shit,” I scoff, rolling my eyes.
A
wary smile surfaces on his lips and he lets out a nervous laugh. “I had been seeing the therapist for about two weeks, trying to get my shit together. Camille complained I was becoming a hermit and dragged me out to Sinful to get me out of my apartment. And I saw you there… with that guy. God, you looked so beautiful.” His eyes narrow. “When I saw you sitting there, laughing with him, it killed me.” He casts his eyes down then looks back at me, his eyes brimming. “That used to be me. I was the one who made you laugh. When I saw his hands on you on the dance floor, I wanted to fucking kill him. I was the one who should be touching you, holding you. I was trapped in a hell I let happen, watching some other guy do the things that I used to do. I tried to find you, to talk to you, but you left.”
“So you showed up at my apartment, completely wasted?”
“After I figured out you left with that guy, I went to the bar and drank. A lot. The thought of the two of you together was driving me crazy. Camille tried to convince me to go home, but I was way too twisted at that point and just started walking. The next thing I remember it was morning and I woke up on your couch. I had so much to say to you. I took the coward’s way out and left. I’m a fucking asshole.”
“You won’t get an argument from me,” I say flatly.
“My head was pounding, but I needed to think things through. So I walked from your place to my apartment to do some soul searching. I had to stop dragging you down into my misery.” He lets go of my hand, running his fingers through his hair.
I sit motionless, glued in my spot on the couch. He’s miserable too?
He continues. “During my walk, I was thinking about what you said about Christmas Eve. Your face lit up at the mention of the day, like your heart was about to burst with pure joy over the thought of it. You told me that it’s your favorite day of the year and nothing in the world could replace it. You called it magical. It was exciting just to be a small part of it.” He tilts his head and smiles. “When I think of you…when I look into your eyes, see your smile, hear your laughter, inhale the scent of your perfume lingering on my pillows, feel you wrapped in my arms. All of it… It all became so clear to me.”
