The Ice Monster

by David Walliams

“AAH!” she screamed.

  Elsie tumbled forward. But, by beautiful chance, the back of her coat hooked on to one of the Diplodocus bones. Without even realising quite what had happened, the girl found herself swinging in the air, still miraculously holding on to the meteorite.

  “I’m alive!” she exclaimed.

  “Yes, I can see that, you foolish child. Now come on, stop dilly-dallying! We haven’t got all night.”

  The girl swung her legs forward and gripped on to the neck bones. With her legs wrapped tightly round the exhibit, she unhooked her coat and swung herself back up using the meteorite for momentum.

  The skull of the Diplodocus was within spitting distance of the tank. From there, she leaped on to the top.

  DOINK!

  The tank was freezing, and her toes tingled with the cold.

  “Have you found the hatch?” demanded the professor.

  Elsie looked ahead. “YES!”

  “Unscrew the bolts round the edge.”

  She put down the meteorite and opened the hatch.

  “Now get in, and push the end of the copper wire into the mammoth’s heart just where I showed you.”

  Elsie nodded, picked up the meteorite and plunged down into the icy water.

  SPLOSH!

  “UH!” she exclaimed. The cold shocked her, and she could hardly breathe. Still holding the meteorite, she sank like a stone. Within a second, she was at the bottom of the tank.

  From his wheelchair, the professor frantically pointed out to Elsie where the creature’s heart was.

  Elsie let go of the meteorite and floated upwards, plunging the end of the copper wire deep into the mammoth’s chest. Elsie now felt completely out of breath, and let herself float back up to the top of the tank. Her head bobbing through the hatch, she gasped for air. With her entire body shaking from the cold, she hauled herself up on to the top of the tank. There she lay, soaking wet and shivering, but thankful to still be alive.

  “Don’t just lie there, child!” the professor called up.

  “W-w-what n-n-now?”

  “Look outside the window. We’re in the middle of a storm. Time is of the essence. You need to tug the wire three times as a signal to Dotty to take off in the hot-air balloon!”

  The girl did what she was told.

  TUG! TUG! TUG!

  Next, Elsie leaped off the tank back on to the Diplodocus skeleton. Within moments the length of wire tightened.

  “PERFECT!” called out the professor.

  Up on the roof of the museum, a cold and miserable Dotty finally got the signal. As fast as she could, she untied the ropes that were holding the basket down, and took to the skies.

  WHOOSH!

  The lady was flying straight into the HEART of the storm.

  Soon bolts of lightning were exploding all around her.

  Against her better judgement, she steered the balloon into their path and…

  BANG!

  …a rush of electricity struck the tin helmet on top of the balloon.

  TING!

  The copper wire glowed as energy shot through it.

  SIZZLE!

  “Oh no,” whispered Dotty to herself. “I think a bit of wee came out!”

  The bolt of lightning sped all the way down the wire, to the tower, down the chimney, across the director’s office, along the corridor, round a corner, down the steps and into the tank. The punch of electricity hit the mammoth straight in the heart.

  They had done it.

  Or had they?

  The professor and Elsie looked on as nothing happened.

  Nothing at all.

  Nought.

  Zero.

  Zilch.

  “NO! It hasn’t worked!” raged the professor.

  “Wait,” whispered the girl. “I can sense something’s changed.”

  Elsie put her hand up to the glass, and looked deep into the mammoth’s eye.

  Unless her mind was playing tricks on her, she was sure the creature was staring straight back at her.

  Then the most incredible thing happened.

  It blinked.

  “Did you see that, Professor?” exclaimed Elsie.

  “What?”

  “It blinked!”

  In his wheelchair, the professor began shaking with excitement. He took a deep breath, before proclaiming, “IT’S ALIVE!”

  Elsie threw her arms round the man, and hugged him tight.

  “We did it!” she exclaimed.

  “Yes! I did it!” he purred. “Now release me this instant.”

  The celebration had come too soon, because the mammoth had started thrashing around inside the tank!

  It let out a cry, muffled by the water. “HOOO!”

  If they didn’t get the creature out, and soon, it would drown.

  The professor wheeled himself over and lifted the pickaxe above his head, before smashing it against the glass.

  CRUNCH!

  A patchwork of cracks appeared in the glass.

  “HOO!” cried the animal under the water.

  The creature lurched forward and hit the glass with its tusks.

  SMASH!

  All at once, the glass fell away, and icy water flooded the main hall, sweeping Elsie off her feet and the professor off his wheels.

  SWISH!

  “Argh!” screamed the girl as she was hurled against the stone staircase.

  DOOF!

  The professor had banged his head badly, and was now lying face down in the water, his wheelchair on its side a few feet away from him.

  “Professor! Professor?” pleaded the girl.

  Suddenly, the old man’s eyes opened, and then widened.

  “Whatever you do,” he began, “don’t look round.”

  Of course, there is nothing like being told not to look round to make you look round.

  Slowly, the girl turned her head.

  Just behind her was the mammoth, rearing up on its hind legs.

  “HOO!”

  The instant those legs crashed down, Elsie and the professor would be dead.

  Elsie wrenched the professor out of the way just in time before the mammoth’s giant feet thumped on the floor.

  SMASH!

  “HOOO!” it cried.

  “Why is it trying to kill us?” yelled the girl. “We just brought it back to life!”

  “It’s a wild beast!” replied the professor. “It’s not going to say ‘thank you’! Now, for goodness’ sake, HELP ME!”

  Elsie grabbed the old man under his armpits, and pulled him up the huge stone staircase that led upwards through the main hall. When the pair were a few steps up, the mammoth spun round and smashed into the Diplodocus skeleton.

  CRASH!

  Elsie ducked as the giant bones came thundering down all around them.

  WHACK!

  One struck the professor across the forehead, and knocked him out cold.

  DOOF!

  “PROFESSOR!” shouted Elsie. The girl slapped the old man across the face to wake him. When that didn’t work, she dragged him further up the stairs to escape the animal.

  The mammoth began pacing towards them. It reached the bottom of the steps just as Elsie had managed to drag the professor halfway up.

  Surely the creature could not follow them up the stairs?

  To Elsie’s horror, it could.

  “NO!” cried the girl.

  Unsteadily, the mammoth rested its giant feet on the first step, then the second, then the third.

  THUD! THUD! THUD!

  In a rush to flee further up the steps, Elsie dropped the professor. His head hit the stone.

  Normally, this would have been enough to knock someone out, but as he was already knocked out it actually had the opposite effect. It knocked him awake.

  “Ouch!” he cried.

  “You’re awake!” replied Elsie.

  “Have I missed anything?”

  “We’re still going to die.”

  “Oh no.”

  “HOOO!”
>
  The mammoth let out its distinctive cry again, its trunk aloft and its sharp tusks now inches from the pair’s faces. The creature whisked its head back, as if getting ready to impale them.

  “HELP!” cried the girl.

  Just then, there was a mighty smash overhead.

  KERBANG!

  Dotty had crashed her hot-air balloon straight through the newly repaired stained-glass window of the main hall.

  It descended at speed through the hall. The bottom of the wicker basket struck the mammoth hard on the head.

  “HOOO!”

  This cry sounded different. Like a cry of fear. The mammoth scuttled back down the steps and across the main hall to hide under the shadow of an archway.

  Meanwhile, the basket landed with a thud and skidded across the floor, until it came to a sudden stop against the wall.

  CRASH!

  “OOF!” said Dotty. As the cleaning lady scrambled to her feet, she surveyed the scene. There were the scattered dinosaur bones, the shards of glass from the window and the tank, the pools of icy water, the broken basket and the hot-air balloon made of a thousand handkerchiefs and one pair of bloomers strewn across the floor.

  “Naughty manmoth!” exclaimed Dotty. “Look at this mess! It will take me all night to clear this up!”

  “Idiotic woman! That is the least of our troubles!” interrupted the professor. “The beast just tried to kill us. Isn’t that right, Elsie? Elsie?”

  The professor looked over his shoulder, but the girl had gone.

  “Elsie?” he called. “ELSIE?”

  Unknown to him, the girl had made her way over to the archway to take a closer look at the mammoth.

  “KEEP BACK, YOU FOOLISH CHILD!” shouted the professor.

  “Shush!” shushed the girl. “You’re frightening it.”

  “Whatever you do, don’t touch it!” shouted the professor.

  The brave little girl ignored him, and reached out her hand to meet the creature’s trunk. It was the only part of the mammoth that was not hidden in the darkness.

  First, its trunk performed a little dance around the girl’s hand, like a snake being charmed. Then Elsie held out her hand flat, and something magical happened. The prehistoric met the modern.

  The two touched.

  “It’s beautiful,” whispered the girl.

  Little by little, Elsie was gaining the creature’s trust. At first, her hand only touched the end of the mammoth’s trunk for a moment. The animal would retreat, before the girl would try again. Then, as gently as she could, so as not to startle it, she began stroking the fur on its trunk. The animal pressed against her a little. Elsie took this as a prompt to continue. So she started doing longer strokes, branching out to pats on its cheeks. The animal recoiled. Elsie realised her hand was too near the mammoth’s eye, so moved it further away. She even tried a tickle under the chin, because stray cats always liked that. Just like the stray cats, the mammoth purred a little.

  Behind Elsie, the two grown-ups were edging closer to take a look, the professor back in his wheelchair and Dotty pushing him. Neither one could believe their eyes.

  “It’s extraordinary,” muttered the professor. “There’s a special connection between them.”

  “Like me and me favourite mop,” added Dotty.

  “I think it just misses its ma, that’s all,” whispered the girl. Then she spoke to the mammoth. “Don’t you worry. I’ll look after you. I promise.”

  Although the animal couldn’t understand the words, it did understand the feeling. Elsie spoke in soothing tones and, with all the strokes and tickles too, the mammoth could sense the girl’s kindness.

  “This is history being made!” boasted the professor. “History all about me! The greatest scientist of the age. Nay! Of all time!”

  Dotty rolled her eyes. “Here we go again.”

  “I, and I alone, have brought the dead back to life! I am the real-life Doctor Frankenstein, and this is my monster!”

  The professor lifted his hand to touch the mammoth. Instantly, the creature retreated into the darkness.

  “It’s not a monster!” replied Elsie. She slid under the mammoth for a quick look. “It’s a SHE! And she’s not yours. She’s not anybody’s! We’ve set her free!”

  “I don’t care if this thing likes me or not!”

  “It seems awful calling it a ‘thing’!” chimed in Dotty. “She needs a name.”

  Elsie and Dotty thought for a moment.

  “WOOLLY!” exclaimed the girl.

  “You can’t call it ‘Woolly’!” replied the professor.

  “Why not?” asked Dotty.

  “No, no, no,” scoffed the man. “It’s boring! Far too obvious. It’s like calling a dog ‘Doggy’!”

  “That’s a good name for a dog,” replied Dotty. “I wish I’d thought of that. I called mine ‘Catty’.”

  “Heaven help us!” said the professor.

  “Well, let’s vote on it,” steamed in Elsie.

  “Women don’t have the vote,” snapped the man.

  The girl grimaced. “Not yet, no, but we can vote on this.”

  “How?” he asked.

  “Because I say so. Now, hands up if you want to name this mammoth ‘Woolly’,” said Elsie.

  The two ladies put a hand up each.

  “Looks like you’re outvoted, Professor,” sniggered the girl.

  “DARN AND BLAST!” he thundered.

  “What did you want to call her?” asked Dotty.

  “I wanted to name it after me!”*

  “Well, that’s a surprise,” mused the lady.

  “‘The professor’?” asked Elsie, her face screwed up in confusion.

  “No, no, no. The Professor Osbert Bertram Cuthbert Farnaby Beverly Smith mammoth!”

  “That’s a mouthful,” remarked Dotty. “No. It would take too long to say. She’s called Woolly, and that’s that.”

  “Not fair!” he snapped.

  “And don’t try and touch her, Oswald Barnaby Custard Beatrice whatever your stupid name is. She doesn’t like you,” said Elsie. “WOOLLY? WOOLLY?”

  The girl held out her hand again, and slowly the animal’s trunk uncurled out of the darkness. She touched the tip, and ran her hand down it again.

  “She must be peckish!” remarked Dotty. “I’d be peckish if I’d been asleep for ten thousand years. Shall I make her a nice cheese-and-pickle sandwich?”

  “Mammoths don’t eat cheese-and-pickle sandwiches,” snapped the professor.

  “Ham-and-pickle?”

  “NO! They don’t have ham-and-pickle either. They don’t have any type of sandwiches. Sandwiches* weren’t invented until a hundred years ago.”

  “All right, brainbox. What do manmoths eat, then?” pressed Dotty.

  “They are herbivores!” replied the professor.

  “Herbie-who?” spluttered the lady.

  “Grass! Leaves! Plants! And lots of them!”

  “Well, we’d better get her to the park, then,” said Elsie.

  The professor shook his head. “We can’t take this creature outside into the world!”

  “Why ever not?” asked the girl.

  “A cage?” exclaimed the girl. “You can’t put Woolly in a cage!”

  The mammoth must have picked up on the conflict between the two humans, and hid behind Elsie. (Hid as much as a mammoth can hide behind a little girl. Which is not very much.)

  “Yes, a cage. It’s the safest place for a dangerous creature like this,” he replied. With that, he wheeled himself over to a spot near the main entrance to the hall, and pulled a lever.

  A trapdoor opened and a huge metal cage rose up out of the floor.

  CLUNK! CLANK! CLINK!

  The noise echoed around the hall, causing the mammoth to move further away into the darkness.

  With a huge THUD, the trapdoor closed.

  “Look!” said the professor proudly. “I have food and water for the beast in there.” He indicated two troughs on the si
de of the cage.

  “It’s barely bigger than she is!” protested the girl.

  “It will be safe in there. Trust me.”

  Elsie was glowing with fury. “I don’t trust you one bit. That wasn’t part of the plan.”

  “Did you really believe I would set this ten-thousand-year-old creature free to roam the streets of London?”

  “But I, I, er…” For once, Elsie was lost for words.

  Dotty stood by her side. “All this girl wanted to do was set Woolly free!” she exclaimed.

  “The monster is free,” began the professor. “Free from the ice. Free from the grave of history. Free to live out the rest of its days in this cage. But it won’t be free to see her. Oh no! I’ll be able to open my very own prehistoric zoo. The only one in existence. I’ll be able to charge a fortune. A hundred pounds a view. People will come from all over the world to see the monster.”

  “YOU’RE THE MONSTER!” seethed Elsie. “I would never have done all this if I’d known this was your plan!”

  “I assumed as much, child. Which is why I thought I would keep this part of the plan a secret until you outlived your usefulness. Thank you. And goodnight. You may go.”

  “You can’t do this to us!” yelled the girl.

  “I just have,” was the reply. The professor rolled himself across the hall to the cage, and pulled out a handful of grass. He shook it in his hand. “Come on, Professor Osbert Bertram Cuthbert Farnaby Beverly Smith mammoth. Dinnertime!”

  The mammoth did not budge, and the professor’s face soured. From a leather pouch on his wheelchair, he produced a pistol.

  “Maybe this will persuade it,” he said as he pointed it at the mammoth.

  Elsie stood right in front of Woolly.

  “You’ll have to kill me first!” she said.

  “Oh, and me!” added Dotty, taking up a slightly safer position right behind the girl.

  “Why would you bring this beautiful creature back to life only to murder her?” demanded Elsie.

  “This gun fires darts, not bullets,” replied the professor. “They’re tipped with a powerful sleeping drug that can knock an elephant out in seconds.”