The Ice Monster

by David Walliams

“Why has Titch only got one medal?” she whispered to Dotty.

  “Ooh, don’t ask!” she replied. “It’s a sore point. They all tease him for it.”

  “Fall in!” roared the admiral.

  The old soldiers organised themselves into a line. They may all have been battered by age and ill health, but they stood to attention with the same pride as the first day they signed up. Between them, they had served in the Crimean War against the Russians, battled their way across India and fought the Zulu warriors in Africa. Now, they were ready for the adventure of their lives.

  The admiral approached the mammoth, and saluted her.

  “We won’t let you down, ma’am mammoth,” he said.

  “HOO!” replied Woolly, lifting her trunk as if saluting back.

  “Now, men, quick march!”

  With that, he led his men out of the ward.

  “I need to stay here and look after Woolly,” said Elsie. “You, Titch, gather up all the food you can lay your hands on. There must be something Woolly didn’t eat.”

  “HOO!”

  “I’ll do my best, Elsie,” replied the private.

  “Thank you, Titch. And, Dotty, grab every last hat, glove and coat in here. Load them on to the ship, and then both of you come back to fetch us.”

  “Right you are!” Titch replied.

  There were murmurs from the old soldiers.

  “Not sure about Titch being put in charge.”

  “He’s only a private!”

  “Man’s only got the one medal!”

  “And that he got for service!”

  “He’s no hero!”

  “This egg is repeating on me!”

  Dotty put a comforting hand on her beloved’s shoulder. “Don’t take any notice.”

  “I’ll show you, boys!” said Titch. “Now come on, follow me!”

  With that, he led his comrades and Dotty across the ward, and left Elsie alone with her woolly friend.

  “Lock this door,” ordered Titch as he reached it.

  “Good thought!” replied the girl.

  “I’ll knock twice. Then you’ll know it’s safe to open it.”

  “Understood.”

  “Two fast knocks or two slow knocks?” asked Dotty.

  “It doesn’t matter, my love!” snapped the soldier. “Just two knocks! KNOCK! KNOCK! I’ll meet you back here as soon as we’re ready to set sail.”

  Elsie rushed over to the door, and locked it behind them.

  CLICK!

  Then she crossed the ward to join Woolly. The girl put her arms round her.

  “Don’t worry, Woolly,” she said. “We’re going to get you home.”

  “HOO!” Woolly nodded her head.

  Then the animal yawned, and Elsie did too. Woolly folded down on to her knees, and rolled over on to her side before letting out a long, slow sigh.

  “HOOOOOOO!”

  Elsie lay down next to her friend, her back nestling up against the animal’s belly. The mammoth curled her trunk round the girl and held her tight. This was a world away from the cold tin bath Elsie normally slept in. Together they closed their eyes.

  “Goodnight, Woolly.”

  “HOO.”

  The pair breathed in and out in time with each other, and soon both had fallen asleep. Little did they know that someone was peering in at them through the window.

  Outside the window to the ward, the top of a ladder had appeared. And at the top of the ladder a pair of beady eyes, a long nose and a tiny moustache had appeared. It was Commissioner Barker. He spied the pair sleeping, and signalled to the officers below to keep quiet.

  “WHAT?” one called up loudly from the ground.

  “A finger on the lips means be quiet,” he hissed back.

  “RIGHTY-HO!” the constable on the ground shouted up.

  “SHUSH!”

  “GOT IT!”

  As the snow swirled around him, Commissioner Barker slid down the ladder, his feet landing with a crunch in the snow.

  KRUNDLE!

  “This time, we’re not going to let them get away.”

  THUD!

  THUD!

  The noise woke up Elsie and Woolly with a start. The girl was sure she’d heard two knocks. But they were much louder than she’d anticipated.

  She wanted to call out for Dotty, but her throat tightened in fear, and she couldn’t make a sound.

  THUD!

  Another knock. Something wasn’t right. It was very wrong. Elsie moved backwards, and felt Woolly wrap her trunk protectively round her.

  “HOO!” she whimpered.

  THUD!

  This time the door buckled.

  THUD!

  Shards of wood went flying.

  THUD!

  BOOM!

  The doors smashed off their hinges and fell to the floor.

  DOOF! DOOF!

  Framed in the doorway was Commissioner Barker, flanked by a dozen of his men holding a battering ram.

  “Are you going to come quietly?” he bellowed.

  “HOO!” roared the mammoth.

  The sound gave Elsie strength.

  “No! We’re going to come really noisily!”

  With that, she clambered on to the animal’s back, and gave her a whack on her side.

  “CHARGE!” shouted Elsie.

  Woolly knew exactly what to do, and galloped towards the men.

  “Hold the line!” ordered Barker.

  The policemen all looked at one another nervously as they linked arms.

  “HOLD THE LINE!”

  The policemen gripped one another tight.

  “HOLD THE LINE!”

  Barker was the first to disobey his own order. He broke away from his men and leaped out of the way. His men followed suit, leaving Woolly and Elsie free to escape down the corridor.

  “COWARDS!” shouted Barker. “FOOLS!”

  Of course, the policemen were the exact opposite of fools, sensibly having no desire to be trampled to death by a prehistoric creature.

  Seeing the flight of descending stairs ahead, the mammoth came to an abrupt halt.

  “WHOA!” cried Elsie, as the force of the sudden stop hurled her through the air.

  W H I Z Z !

  She landed on her bottom with a THUD on the top step…

  DRUMPH!

  …before sliding down the remaining steps at speed.

  BONK!

  BONK!

  BONK!

  Woolly looked on with interest. Maybe this was the best way to go down stairs. She sat on her bottom and slid down too.

  BONK!

  BONK!

  BONK!

  These were much bigger

  BONKS. After all, the mammoth had an infinitely larger bottom. But, going by the little yelps she let out as her bottom hit each step, she seemed to enjoy it.

  Soon the pair were lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs.

  Seeing the policemen arriving at the top, Elsie pulled Woolly along by her trunk.

  “HOO!” cried the animal.

  Spotting an open doorway, they raced in. It was a huge, grand dining room with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and wooden panels on the walls. Table upon table was laid out neatly for breakfast. Table upon table was upturned as the mammoth charged through the room.

  “HOO!”

  CRASH!

  BANG!

  WALLOP!

  A gaggle of cooks dashed out from a kitchen door to see what the rumpus was all about.

  “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” demanded one.

  As soon as they saw it was a mammoth rampaging through the dining hall, they dashed back into the kitchen.

  “SORRY TO DISTURB YOU! PLEASE CARRY ON!”

  The policemen arrived at the doors.

  “THE MONSTER IS THE PROPERTY OF HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN!” shouted Barker. “WE HAVE OUR ORDERS TO RETURN IT! ALIVE OR PREFERABLY DEAD!”

  Immediately, Elsie leaped on to her friend’s back, so they couldn’t shoot, and race
d towards the set of tall doors at the far end of the room. However, those doors swung open to reveal Matron, and a rather pooey-looking group of military policemen holding rifles.

  “We have you trapped!” bawled Matron. “Now give yourselves up!”

  “NEVER!” shouted the girl.

  The military policemen lifted their rifles. The animal reared up on her hind legs and roared a huge roar.

  Elsie’s head clinked against the bottom of a chandelier. Thinking fast, she grabbed hold of it and swung backwards before launching herself at the doorway. She flew through the air and hit Matron and the military policemen like a bowling ball striking some skittles…

  BASH!

  …sending them flying.

  “ARGH!”

  THUD

  THUD

  THUD!

  They rolled out of the way as the mammoth thundered past. Elsie sprang to her feet, and leaped back on to Woolly as she escaped through the door.

  The plan was unravelling fast. Now there was no way Elsie and Woolly could wait for HMS Victory to reach the Royal Hospital. Danger was everywhere. They had to keep moving. The pair fled through the doors, past the columns and the statue of the hospital’s much-loved founder, Charles II, and across the lawn that led down to the Thames. The river was frozen over. Would the ice take the weight of a two-ton mammoth? With policemen chasing them across the snow with rifles, there was only one way to find out.

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  Shots rang out. Birds in the trees took to the sky in fear. Elsie ducked her head, and dug her heels into the animal’s sides to make her gallop faster.

  “HOO!”

  Woolly charged across the snow and leaped off the riverbank, landing hard on the ice.

  THUD!

  Fortunately, the ice didn’t crack, but it was slippery from all the ice skaters. The mammoth’s legs slid out from under her, and she went spinning across the ice.

  “HOOO!”

  “NOOO!” screamed Elsie.

  They’d hit the ice so fast there was no stopping them. Round and round they whirled, the mammoth’s legs splayed out like a starfish.

  Woolly ploughed through some early-morning ice skaters, who were sent spinning across the ice as if they were part of some mass dance spectacular.

  “ARGH!” they cried.

  “SORRY!” called out Elsie, not that the apology seemed to help at all. Up ahead was a small rowing boat that must have become stuck in the ice. They were speeding right towards it.

  W H I Z Z !

  The girl closed her eyes.

  BOOM!

  The boat smashed into pieces. Wood exploded across the ice. The force of the blow caused Elsie to become separated from her friend.

  “NOOO!”

  They each came to a stop on opposite banks of the river. Battered and bruised, the girl rose unsteadily to her feet. She looked across the ice. The poor mammoth was having a much more difficult time of it. Every time it looked like she was back on four legs, one would slip from under her, and her belly would flop down on the ice.

  DOOF!

  “HOO!”

  On her bare feet, Elsie skated over to help her friend.

  When she saw one of Woolly’s legs sliding down, she would lean all her weight against it to push it up. But her little frame was no match for the mammoth’s, and down they would both go.

  DOOF!

  “HOO!”

  Finally, Elsie managed to skate round the mammoth, pushing each leg in turn, making sure they were all upright. In the distance, she could see their pursuers gathering on the riverbanks.

  “Come on!” she ordered, but, as soon as she had led the mammoth one step forward, she landed flat on her belly again.

  BOSH!

  Elsie looked across the frozen Thames. There were planks of wood from the boat they had destroyed scattered across the ice. These planks were long and thin, and looked a little like the things she’d seen posh folk attach to the bottoms of their shoes to race down a snow-topped Primrose Hill last winter.

  Skis!

  As fast as she could, Elsie skated over to them. She picked up two of the planks and a length of rope that must have been lying in the rowing boat, before skating back to her friend. Elsie laid them down in front of the mammoth. Then she skated round the back, encouraging Woolly up by pushing on her bottom.

  “HOO!”

  An exhausted Woolly soon got the message, and stepped forward on to the “skis”.

  In the distance, Barker and his men took to the ice, closely followed by Matron and the military policemen. As quickly as she could, Elsie picked up the rope and held it out in front of the mammoth’s mouth. Woolly bit into it.

  “Clever girl,” whispered Elsie.

  “HOO!”

  With all her might, Elsie pulled on the rope.

  The mammoth inched forward.

  Darn!

  This wasn’t going to work.

  Darn and blast!

  Elsie tried again, and really yanked this time. This created some momentum. Soon the impossible was happening.

  A real-life mammoth was skiing across a frozen River Thames!

  WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! went the skis on the ice.

  “HOO!” called out Woolly joyfully, loving the feeling of speed, her fur blowing in the cold breeze!

  They passed by a man roasting chestnuts on the snow.

  “Lovely morning!” remarked Elsie as they slid by.

  Even the orphans back at wouldn’t believe this! The man stared open-mouthed in shock as the prehistoric animal let out another excited…

  “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  Ahead in the distance, emerging out of the fog like a ghost ship, was HMS Victory.

  The three masts reaching up to the sky.

  The tall, square stern with dozens of windows.

  The magnificent crest at the top.

  At the bottom, written in big proud strokes, were the letters V I C T O R Y. Elsie couldn’t read, but she knew what they spelled. HMS Victory was the most famous ship in all the kingdom, if not the entire world.

  As she and Woolly skied nearer, she could see the admiral and his men hoisting the topsail. Closer still, she could make out Dotty, Titch and their team loading boxes on to the ship. The girl couldn’t help but smile. They were going to make it.

  RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!

  It was the sound of a machine gun from up above! They were being attacked from the skies!

  Shots scattered across the ice, narrowly missing the pair.

  The shock caused Elsie to stumble. As she tumbled, so did Woolly. They hit the ice hard.

  BOOF! BOOF!

  “AH!” screamed Elsie in pain.

  “HOO!” cried the mammoth.

  Elsie looked up. Through the fog, she spotted something the size of a blue whale floating in the sky. It was so large it was blotting out the sun.

  It was a Zeppelin,* one of the huge state-of-the-art German airships.

  In the gondola underneath, a woman with a distinctive pith helmet on her head and a murderous look on her face was positioned behind a machine gun.

  It was Lady Buckshot, the big-game hunter. You could smell that foul cigar smoke for miles around.

  RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!

  Another hail of bullets rained down. They went straight through the ice, blasting holes in it.

  PWANG! PWANG! PWANG!

  Freezing-cold river water flooded on to the ice. Slowly but surely, Elsie, who was still lying down, felt it trickle down her neck and up her sleeves. She looked over to her friend.

  Woolly was sinking. And fast.

  “HOOO!”

  RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!

  More bullets. More holes. More cracks. More water. More danger.

  “HOOOO!” yelled the animal in fear.

  Elsie held on to her friend’s trunk.

  “It’s going to be all right, Woolly. I’m going to get us out of this. I promise.”

  RAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!

  “
HOOOOO!?”

  The ice beneath them exploded into pieces.

  KABOOM!

  The pair were plunged deep into the icy water.

  “NOOOOO!” screamed the girl as she disappeared into the depths.

  Everything went dark.

  All Elsie could see was black.

  All she could hear was silence.

  All the girl could feel was a deathly chill.

  At first, she didn’t know what was up and what was down.

  Where was Woolly?

  In all the chaos and confusion, she had lost sight and sound and touch of her friend. Immediately, the cruel current of the Thames pulled her far away from the hole she had fallen through. As much as Elsie tried to paddle back to it, that proved impossible. She was being swept further and further away. In desperation, she thumped on the underside of the ice, trying to bash her way through it.

  BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

  The ice was inches thick. Her tiny fists were no match for it. They couldn’t even make a dent. Elsie opened her mouth and let out a scream. But underwater no one could hear her.

  Just as she felt the life draining out of her, and that she was sinking down to a watery grave, she felt a surge underneath her. Something was pushing her up. It was Woolly! The girl was cradled between the mammoth’s eyes as her sharp tusks smashed through the ice.

  CRASH!

  Elsie gasped. “AAH!”

  “HOOOOO!?”

  The girl was soaking wet and freezing cold but alive. Just. Elsie slid off the mammoth’s face, landing on the ice with a thud.

  “Oof!”

  Although shivering and choking from the dirty Thames water, all Elsie could think about was her friend.

  “WOOLLY!” she spluttered.

  “HOOO!”

  The mammoth’s trunk was just poking out of the hole in the ice, as she desperately tried to breathe. With all her might, Elsie held on to it, so the animal wouldn’t sink to her death.

  “HOLD ON, WOOLLY! PLEASE!” she cried.

  The girl knew it would be impossible for her to hoist this two-ton creature out of the river, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

  “HUH!”

  And again.

  “HUH!”

  And again.

  “HUH!”

  “HOOO!”

  All the strength in her body wasn’t enough to save her friend’s life. But they hadn’t come this far for it to end now. There had to be a way to save her!