by Aidan Wayne
Jason squared his shoulders. “No, that’s—no. That’s okay. I can do it.” But even as he said it, he looked a little green.
“Jason, it’s fine. You don’t have to—”
“I want to,” Jason said. “I… think I’d like you—touching me. My skin.” He swallowed and looked down. “I haven’t had that in… a long time. Aside from medical. And you know. Work.”
Chase felt himself stutter in that realization. He’d known, of course, that Jason went without, had gone without for a long time before Chase and Shade came into his life offering casual touches and comfort. But how long—how long had Jason gone without contact before that that wasn’t cold or assessing or… painful? And he’d only barely started to ask for contact himself, instead of waiting until he or Shade offered it. Going without contact, warmth, was how humans died. And logically he knew Jason wasn’t really in any danger (at least not right now, but what about when he went back to work?) but he just couldn’t… that was horrible.
“Chase?”
“Sorry,” Chase said. “I just was struck by wanting to hold you so very much.”
Jason blinked at him, eyes a little wide. “Well, I’m—I’m not gonna say no.”
Chase rushed forward and grabbed Jason, pulling him close and holding him tight. “Anything you want,” he murmured. “Whenever you want it. Me, or Shade, just tell us. Please.”
“I—okay. Chase, what’s wrong?”
“I just hate it,” Chase mumbled. “How much you hurt all the time.”
Jason managed a laugh, clearly still a little lost. “Hey, that’s the point of the massage, right? To, uh, ease the soreness and stuff?”
“Right,” Chase said, squeezing tight once more before pulling back. “Exactly. Here, I’ll put the towels down. You can… take your time, if you’d like.”
Jason swallowed but then hooked his hands underneath his shirt, pulling it off quickly, like a Band-Aid. His fingers were shaking as he folded the shirt up neatly and moved to set it on the nightstand. Chase looked away, setting down the towels and giving Jason a few seconds to acclimate.
“I know it’s a mess,” Jason murmured, when Chase was done. “But I, uh. I guess I don’t mind if you don’t.”
“Of course I don’t mind,” Chase said. “It’s just you. Lie down on your stomach?”
Jason did, movements just a touch trembly.
Chase stared down the expanse of Jason’s back as he warmed some of the oil between his palms. The ropey muscle was crossed with scars, some jagged, some burns, some wide that looked like Jason had been lashed. He had to close his eyes and remind himself that Jason was here, and safe, and that he was giving Chase an amazing gift right now. Chase was not about to dwell on the negatives.
Jason gasped at the first touch of Chase’s hands to his skin, and Chase spent a moment holding his hands there, letting Jason get used to the feeling. Slowly, incrementally, Jason started to relax, back untensing.
“How are you feeling?” Chase murmured.
“Good,” Jason replied, voice still a little shaky. “You can—you can start.”
“Tell me if you want me to do something different, or if I should stop,” Chase said, before getting to work.
He spent ages just on Jason’s shoulders, working on the muscles there, where Jason carried all his tension. Every so often he would give him a break and dip lower on Jason’s back, digging in hard to loosen the knots. Jason kept mostly silent, and after a while Chase started to worry.
“Is this okay?” Chase asked, hands stilling again. “Jason?”
“What?” Jason asked muzzily. “I—yeah. Yeah, it’s fine. Sorry, did I do something wrong?”
“No, not at all. I was just wondering. Usually people aren’t quite so… quiet when I work on them.”
“Oh? Uh, sorry. I just—I’m used to being quiet, I guess. When people touch me?”
Chase didn’t clench his hands, but only because they were still gently resting on Jason’s shoulders. “You don’t have to hold sounds in,” he said. “I’d actually prefer if you made some noise. If you wanted to, I mean. Don’t feel obligated if you don’t feel like it, but—verbal signals are one of the ways I learn how to treat the person I’m working on.”
“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know it was okay. To, uh, make sounds.”
“Completely okay. I’d rather you not hold anything back, Jason.”
“All right.” But Jason had tensed up again. Chase moved one hand up to rub at his neck.
“Is something else wrong? Is this okay?”
“It’s—really nice,” Jason bit out. “Sorry, I—I like this a lot. But I think I need to stop now.”
“Of course.” Chase immediately withdrew his hands, trying not to feel too disappointed. They’d made good progress. That was enough for now. “Did I—was it something I did? Or you just had enough. So I know for next time.”
“Just had enough,” Jason said. “It’s a lot.” He sat up and grabbed his shirt off the nightstand, pulling it on. “Thank you. For this. It was….” He let out a breath. “It was really great. I’m glad that—that I could.”
“So am I.”
Chapter Ten
AT JASON’S request, Chase left the room first, giving Jason some time to collect himself. After so much time and proximity, he needed a moment to wind down.
Especially since….
Jason hadn’t had to deal with arousal in a while. He’d never really been all that into sex, not in the way his buddies growing up had been. Mostly he liked it when it happened, but it wasn’t something he actively sought out much. It was fun when he had it, just wasn’t that high on his priority list. It had set him apart from a lot of people his age, and he was actually pretty sure it was one of the reasons why he had climbed up so fast in rank; he was generally a lot harder to distract.
Besides, after that mission two years ago, he stopped thinking of sex as much fun anyway. And with that being around the time he started being unable to handle people, well, Jason hadn’t really spent much time caring about it. He’d talked it over in psych a few times until eventually he had just asked to drop the subject, but that was about it.
He shivered, even though the room was on the warm side, feeling the ghost of Chase’s hands on his back. That was the main reason he’d had to tap out. The feeling of—god, he hadn’t felt like this in years.
Probably he was going to have to talk about it. Probably that was a good, sane idea.
But he kind of wanted to put it off a little while longer. He’d been making things plenty awkward as it was, even though Chase had been clear about being open-minded to any of Jason’s wants or needs.
A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts, and he realized that a normal human being would have been done freaking out by now.
“Yes?”
“Shade,” Shade said from the other side of the door. “Jason okay?”
Jason had calmed down, yeah. He’d be fine. “I’m good,” he said, not moving from where he sat on the edge of the bed. “You can come in, if you want to.”
Shade eased open the door and came inside, immediately moving to the bed. “Sit?” he asked.
“Sure, sure,” Jason said, shifting over a bit even though there was plenty of room.
“Was it nice?” Shade asked, after he was positioned next to Jason, shoulders touching. Jason appreciated the weight of him.
“It was real nice,” Jason replied after a moment. “I’m still a little amazed I could handle it at all, but I’m glad I could.”
“Chase glad too,” Shade said, nudging Jason’s shoulder. “Won’t stop smiling. Jealous.” But his tone was conspiratorial, his face open and happy.
Jason nodded. “Good to hear.” And he couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Jason?” Shade asked, leaning into him, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Jason said quickly.
“Jason.”
“Nothing big,” Jason amended, when Shade looked at
him. “I, uh. I might’ve liked the massage a little too much. That’s all.”
“No too much,” Shade said, frowning. “Jason enjoy. That was point.”
Jason bit the inside of his cheek. “No, I mean—” Shade’s eyes widened with understanding. “Yeah. And I didn’t want it to be weird, so I—you know. Figured we should stop for now.”
“Not want to tell Chase?” Shade asked, voice small.
“Oh no, of course I’ll tell him! I just was, uh, giving myself a minute. Since. Um.”
“Oh.” Shade shifted slightly next to Jason. “Is it… okay? What does Jason mind?”
“About getting hard while Chase gives me a completely nonsexual massage? That I asked for?” Jason shook his head. “Just feels skeevy. He didn’t sign up for that.”
“Normal reaction,” Shade said matter-of-factly. “Happens.”
“Still. I wasn’t… expecting it.” Jason shrugged. “Kind of didn’t know I could, anymore.”
“And… is bad? Good? Different?”
“Different. Took me by surprise. I’ll be okay. And I’ll tell Chase too. He should know.”
“Is good,” Shade said with a nod. “That Jason wants to talk about it.”
Jason huffed a laugh. “I don’t want to. I just recognize that I should. Especially since, um, we… only talked about that a little bit before. I didn’t realize it might actually be an issue.”
“Not ‘issue.’” Shade scowled. “Part of Jason. So good, if happening. If—if Jason wants.”
Jason had to stop and think that over. And then ask a question that had bounced around in his mind a little but that he hadn’t even dared to think about before. “Can—can you and Chase—do you even—?” He floundered, trying to think up words that weren’t stupidly offensive. He knew some AIs could, or got modded so they could, but he’d never thought to ask them. Shade seemed to take pity on him, smile gentle and completely devoid of any teasing.
“Feel things differently,” he said. “Chase does… want the way Jason does. Has that system. Shade’s was… changed. Likes feeling but does not… need. Prefers… prefers different touches. But will give to Chase, because loves Chase. Loves to make Chase happy and feel good. Would be same with Jason.”
Oh wow, was there a lot to extrapolate from that.
“Chase would explain better,” Shade said, in response to Jason’s silence.
“I think you said it fine,” Jason replied. “Just… could I ask questions? To clarify?”
“Of course.”
“And maybe, um, later you could tell Chase what we talked about,”
“If Jason wants. But it would be good to talk to Chase. Talking is good. Can help.” He gave Jason a wry look. “Even if hard. Or embarrassing.”
“Okay, okay, I get it. Is Chase in the living room or something?”
“Kitchen. Stress baking. Worried, even if happy.”
“All right,” Jason said with a sigh. “Let’s go get him.”
JASON NAVIGATED the talk and admission with Chase awkwardly, but Shade still felt warm and proud that he was able to do it at all. Jason had been taking a lot of steps very quickly, and it was amazing to watch.
He was so happy that Jason was on his way to being happy.
Shade also hadn’t talked this much to someone besides Chase, especially outside of the sync, in ages. It was exhausting, but not in a bad way. Every time he felt tired, words running out, he remembered that he was doing it because Jason was speaking to him. And listening.
He was still surprised Jason questioned why Shade loved him.
“Shade?”
“Yes, Chase?”
“Did you want to?”
“Sorry, wasn’t listening. What?”
“Go for a walk,” Chase clarified.
“All three?” Shade asked, looking excitedly at Jason.
Jason nodded, shifting where he stood. “Thought some fresh air might be nice?”
Shade beamed. Jason had never asked to go on a walk before. If he wasn’t leaving for a language lesson or training at the base, then he mostly stayed inside and hid. It was no wonder he’d been so antsy when he’d first met them. Jason had later divulged that it had been the first time he’d left his apartment in nearly two weeks.
“Yes! Walk good, yes!” He herded Jason and Chase out of the kitchen and to the apartment’s foyer before Jason could change his mind, Chase laughing good-naturedly at Shade’s enthusiasm. Shade didn’t mind. Chase knew that Shade had liked being outside before the mods, and that’s what mattered. He wouldn’t poke fun.
And neither would Jason, Shade thought decisively, refusing to bank any of his happiness at the thought of going outside with both of the people he loved.
“Thank you,” Chase said to Jason quietly, as they left the apartment together.
“What for?”
Shade listened absentmindedly, leading the way toward the stairs at the end of the hall.
“You always seem to know what to say and do. I appreciate that more than you can know.”
Shade caught Jason’s shrug out of the corner of his eye. “Well, I mean, that’s, um, that’s part of trying to work out a relationship, right? Give and take? And I feel like I take plenty already, so.”
“Thank you for letting us give it.”
“Yes, yes,” Shade cut in. “Already said this. Over and over again. Jason knows. Should know.” He looked at Jason. “Jason does know, yes?”
Jason smiled, small but real. “Yeah,” he said, “I’m getting it through my skull.”
“Good,” Shade said. “Now stairs.”
Chase sighed. “I hate these stairs.”
“You do?” Jason asked, looking surprised. “Chase, you should’ve said something. We don’t have to—”
“No, no, you’re more comfortable with using them,” Chase said. “I don’t mind them that much, really.”
Shade grinned at him. “Race you,” he said, voice playful.
“What?”
Jason blinked at Shade, then slowly grinned too. “You take the elevator down,” he said. “We’ll take the stairs. Last one to the doors loses.”
Chase laughed. “Okay, okay, fine.”
“We start now. Chase has to wait for elevator.”
Chase blinked at them, then took off down the hall at a jog.
“Let’s go!” Jason said, yanking open the door.
They shot down the stairs, Jason taking the lead and showing Shade how he used the railing to get down even quicker, grabbing on tight to round the corners. By the time they made it to the first floor, they were both laughing and dizzy, stumbling outside and racing to the elevators.
The look on Chase’s face when the doors dinged open and he saw them was priceless.
“Shade and Jason win,” Shade said. And he thoroughly deserved every bit of smugness he managed to put into those words.
“I guess you do,” Chase said, fond. “What do you win?”
“Walking! Chase can’t be slow.”
“I’ll keep up with you both, I promise.”
“You guys lead,” Jason said, falling back a little. And he didn’t sound out of breath at all. Even Shade was panting slightly, cycling air through his fans quicker to cool down. Color him impressed. “I haven’t been out much lately. You’re probably more familiar with the area at this point than I am.”
“This way,” Shade said, taking Jason’s hand and leading him out of the complex. Bemused, Jason followed along.
“I, uh, I thought you’d rather hold hands with Chase,” he said, as they started off.
Shade shrugged. “Hold hands with Chase always. Jason’s turn.”
“Um.”
“It’s not like I mind,” Chase put in, adding what Shade couldn’t summon the words to say.
“Does Jason mind?”
Jason shook his head, and Shade felt a little thrill of pleasure. “I’ll—I’ll let go if I have to,” he said.
“Good. Works. This way now.”
Ja
son’s apartment complex was in a pretty nice area. One side was close to a fairly major road and within walking distance of several stores and restaurants, but the back of it opened up to grass and trees, even connecting to a small wood with a few trails. Jason had told Shade that it had been one of the reasons he’d initially picked the place; he used to like going outside to run.
Shade ached for the fact that that pleasure had been taken away. But maybe… maybe it could come back again. Jason was outside now.
They walked in easy silence for a little bit, Jason and Chase allowing Shade to continue taking the lead. It was a nice day, if a little warm. Jason tugged at his sleeves a couple times, but he didn’t say anything about being too hot.
Eventually, though, Shade couldn’t ignore Jason’s discomfort any longer. “Was nice,” he said. “But warm. Back home?”
“That sounds good, yeah,” Jason said. He hadn’t let go of Shade’s hand even once.
“And I’ve got plenty of snacks for you,” Chase added, a little abashed. Shade laughed. Chase had… gone a little overboard with the stress baking. Aside from a batch of cornbread, he had two different cookie doughs chilling in the refrigerator.
“Awesome,” Jason said. “Do you think—” Shade stilled, unable to stop the growl that emitted from his throat, and Jason immediately cut himself off, stopped walking. “Shade?”
“Shade, love? Are you okay?”
“Dog,” Shade said. “Gold. Coming. Where we’re going.”
Shade had once liked dogs.
“Okay,” Chase said, stepping forward and taking Shade’s other hand. “That’s fine. Let’s just keep walking. We’ll pass it, and then we’ll be home soon. Okay?”
“Yes.”
Jason was looking between the two of them, questions clear on his face, but he didn’t ask. Just gave Shade’s hand a reassuring squeeze and started walking with him again. Shade couldn’t have been more grateful.
“Jason,” Chase said. “Just so you know, I’m going to be talking to Shade through the sync now, until we’re clear.”
