by Aidan Wayne
“Of course,” Jason said quickly. “Yeah, no worries.”
Shade? You’re all right. You’re walking on two legs, with me and Jason. We’re going home.
Shade could smell the dog approaching with its owner. It was wearing a leather collar, and the leash was the retractable nylon kind. He whined, high in his throat, and then cringed at the ensuing bark up ahead.
Shade, we’re all fine. You’re safe. We’re going home with Jason, to his apartment. We’ve lived there with him for nearly four months, remember?
“Whoa, girl! Hey, calm down!” A young woman was walking the dog, a beautiful golden retriever. She smiled in apology as they approached, the dog clearly tugging her along. “Hi,” she said with a laugh, dozens of black braids swinging. “Sorry! She’s a little excited to be out, I guess. Can you believe this weather? And the forecast said rain!”
“It’s lovely,” Chase replied. “But I’m sorry, my partner here is scared of dogs. Do you mind keeping her leash short while we pass you?”
Shade felt the woman’s eyes fall on him, knew instinctively that she was taking in the fact that he was trembling, and hated, hated the pity he heard in her voice. “Oh sure, of course! I’m sorry. Here, Lola, c’mere, girl.”
With Chase and Jason on either side of him, Chase murmuring through the sync, Shade was able to walk past, clamping down hard on the noises instinctively rising from his throat.
“Have a great day!” the woman called over her shoulder. And then quieter, “C’mon girl, let’s run a little, huh?”
“Home now please,” Shade managed, after they were far enough away he felt verbal again.
“Of course,” Chase said.
“This way’s the fastest route,” Jason added, steering them. They walked quickly, and when they reached the complex it was Jason who kept going, leading them straight for the elevators.
“We’ll get up faster this way,” he murmured.
Shade nodded and stared at his feet. “Sorry,” he said. “Know you don’t like.”
“Hey.” Jason leaned forward. “I like you a lot more than I hate elevators.”
And Shade managed a smile at that. “Good,” he said. But he still felt bad. Normally he wasn’t too bad around dogs—avoided them but could deal with it if he heard them or passed them on the street. He didn’t like it, but he could cope.
But it’d been a few weeks since he’d been in nature outside, both of them busy with Jason and Shade unable to go out without someone else for exactly this reason, and the rush of other sights and sounds and smells, that coupled with the sudden dog, that particular breed and—a lot of things had rushed back.
He’d been taken out for walks a few times, back when…. “Shade!” And then through the sync, Shade, you’re with me! It’s Chase! Chase, remember? And Jason. Jason is here too, and he’s worried, Shade. Come back to us?
Shade blinked. They were in the apartment. They’d managed to walk him inside, sit him down on the living room couch. Jason was hovering anxiously, crouched at the foot of it.
“No,” Shade said, voice a whine. “Humans sit on couch.”
Jason sucked in a breath but immediately bounced to his feet, coming to sit on Shade’s other side, bracketing him. Shade whined again and turned to press his face into Chase’s shoulder, reaching blindly with his other hand to grab for Jason, who took Shade’s hand between both of his own.
They spent a few minutes just sitting, Shade trying to calm down. When he came to again, he realized Jason was caressing his hand with his own, fingers running over Shade’s thumb, the back of his hand, his palm.
“Sorry,” he managed after another minute. “Fine now.”
“Are you sure?” Jason asked, not moving away and not letting go of Shade’s hand. Shade nodded. The memories weren’t as visceral. He could deal with being himself now. He was fine.
“Sorry Jason worried,” he said. “Sorry, Chase.”
“You know you don’t have to apologize,” Chase murmured, moving to pull Shade close, tuck him into his side. “I’m sorry it got sprung on you. Do you want to go lie down?”
“Want to stay here,” Shade said. “Safe… allowed on couch?”
“Damn right you’re allowed,” Jason said immediately. “All furniture always. That includes the kitchen table too,” he added. “But only if you want to.”
Shade shuddered. He didn’t like being around kitchen tables.
“Can I ask what happened?” Jason asked, tentative. “What the trigger was, I mean? Any way I can help you guys avoid this—”
“Was dog,” Shade said, tired but willing to speak because Jason had asked. “Gold dog. Was the dog mods were based on. Other dogs usually okay.” He felt more than heard Jason suck in another breath.
“Shade, I’m so sorry,” Jason said. “I—I’m sorry.”
Shade hiccuped a laugh. “Now Jason knows how Shade feels when Jason hurts. Remember, okay? How this feels. How much Shade wants to help Jason when he hurts.” He yawned, power module doing funny things after having so much anxious energy run through it.
“You should rest,” Chase said, nudging at Shade’s shoulder. “At least let me get you a portable power pack. Jason will stay with you.” Loath to lose Chase at his side but even more unwilling to move, Shade nodded.
Chase got up, and Shade immediately curled toward Jason to make up for the lost contact. Jason didn’t hesitate, simply opened his arms and held Shade tight, just the way he liked it.
“It’s really a day for physical contact, huh,” Jason said, trying to lighten the mood. “First I get Chase to myself, now I get you. And I’m not even freaking out at all. This is a record for me, you know.”
“Something good from this,” Shade said, snuggling even closer into Jason’s side. “Glad of that, at least.” He could feel Jason stiffen next to him and cursed himself for his word choice.
“I didn’t—I didn’t mean to play down what happened. Shade, I’m sorry, I never meant—”
“Shade knows,” he interrupted. “Is okay. Things happen. Jason not allowed to feel bad.”
“I… I won’t if you don’t.”
Shade pulled back just far enough to eye Jason before snuggling close again. “Deal.”
IN THE morning, Jason rolled off the couch and headed back to the mat room. Did his usual routine of using the bathroom and shower, and then, for the first time in a while, spent some time staring down his reflection in the mirror. His back was where the worst of it was, being an easy target, but his arms had their own share of scars. Outside of medical personnel, the only people who had ever really seen Jason without layers of clothing had been in the field. And not always friendlies.
It had been another big step to show Chase what he looked like, sans shirt. Jason had made that call, and he couldn’t regret it even a little.
All things considered, short sleeves didn’t seem all that bad. And it was the season for it, after all.
He left the bathroom for his closet, grabbing a short-sleeve shirt and, after a moment’s hesitation, a pair of shorts. He trusted Chase and Shade with all of himself, including his scars.
He didn’t think they’d disappoint him.
Shade was sitting cross-legged on the floor outside Jason’s door. He did that sometimes, waiting for Jason to start the day with them.
“Jason has arms,” Shade said, gleeful, putting a whole lot of expression into those three words. “And legs!”
“I—yeah,” Jason said, huffing a laugh and trying to squash down the part of him that was screaming about exposure. “Surprise?”
Shade rose smoothly to his feet. “May Shade?” he asked, holding out a hand.
Jason blinked at him. “Um. Sure?”
He was rewarded with a quick grin, and then Shade was taking Jason’s right arm in one hand, using the other to smooth his fingers up and down the skin. Jason stuttered in his breathing but didn’t feel the need to pull away. It was a long moment of Shade just sweeping his fingers up and down Jaso
n’s arm.
“Like to feel you,” Shade murmured. “Nice to see more. Thank you. And… for yesterday. Thank you.” Jason swallowed and shrugged awkwardly. He hadn’t done anything that deserved a thanks. Shade must have picked up on it, because he squeezed Jason’s hand, then moved to tug him toward the kitchen. “Breakfast time,” he said. “Waiting for you. Chase making pancakes.”
Chapter Eleven
CHASE AND Shade were out on a walk by themselves—Jason insisted that they continued to spend some time alone together and out of the apartment—when he heard the explosions. He dove off the couch to shield himself behind the back of it, mind racing.
The noises stopped as suddenly as they had started, and then Jason remembered what day it was.
Fuck, it was the start of July.
Shaking, he pushed himself to his feet. Went to the kitchen to down a glass of water. Then he wrote a note to Chase and Shade, grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys, and left the apartment.
He ran into them in the lobby of the building, both looking out of breath, steam condensing on their foreheads. “Jason!” And they were running toward him, standing close in the open area.
“We heard the fireworks,” Chase said, “and hurried back. Didn’t want you to be alone. I’m sorry—I didn’t think that they’d start this early—”
“Where Jason going?” Shade asked, looking upset.
Right. He didn’t have to handle this by himself anymore.
“Nowhere,” Jason said with a sigh. “Or—I’ll tell you once we get back home. C’mon. We can—we can take the eleva—”
“Stairs,” Chase said firmly. “They’re much more stable and can provide cover if someone else sets off crackers. Just, ah, maybe take it slow?” He was still breathing hard, and Jason could hear the buzz of fans that were usually close-to-silent whispers. They must have run.
“Stairs sound good,” Jason said. They herded him back over to the stairwell, Shade taking the lead and Chase bringing up the rear. Protecting him, even though it was from unfounded fear and not something concrete.
“How was your walk?” Jason managed to ask as they climbed, trying to keep his mind off how horrible the week was going to be.
“Was good,” Shade said. “Went to stream. Was going to splash Chase.”
“Wait a minute, that was not part of the deal,” Chase said from over Jason’s shoulder. “You said you just wanted to wade into the water because it was so hot out.”
“That too,” Shade said with a grin.
“Sorry it got interrupted,” Jason said, trying for light. “You didn’t have to come back, you know. I was—going. Out, I mean.”
“May I ask where?” Chase said.
“Oh yeah, it’s not—I left you guys a note. I wasn’t just going to disappear. I was heading to the shooting range.”
“To… work with guns.”
“Right. I was on a mission last year, so I didn’t have to worry about it, but it’s what I did a couple years ago. Holed up at base and mostly spent time in the gun range, either shooting or training others. Between the noise and ear protection, nothing else much gets through. And if I hear anything, at least I’m at base, you know?”
“If—if that’s your plan,” Chase said, “you don’t have to—you still can do that, Jason. If that works for you.”
Jason shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I’d rather be at home if I can. With you two. I just—keep in mind that it’s going to be a shitty week.”
“Whatever you need,” Chase said.
“What else will help?” Shade asked. “At home?”
“Distractions mostly,” Jason replied. “I get too keyed up just waiting for more sound. At least if I’m busy, then it’s only a problem when the actual noises hit. And I recover from them pretty well. It’s just the initial surprise. It’s a lot of fear and adrenaline really quick.” That was the worst part, how exhausting it was to be on all the time waiting for the trigger. It was why he’d retreated to base before.
“We’ll do our best, then,” Chase said. “And you can always fall back on going out to base if you need to.”
“Right. That’s what I figured too. But again, I do prefer being at home. It’s my space. No real unpredictability even with July sucking. So I’d… I’d like to try staying at home first, with you two.”
“Can Jason play tag?” Shade glanced back at Jason, and Jason smiled at him.
“Tag sounds great,” he said with feeling.
THERE WAS another boom of crackers being set off in the middle of their third game, and before Jason knew it he had Shade pinned on the ground, bracketing him with his own body. When he came to, it was to Shade’s voice murmuring comfort into his ear and Chase running his hands along the length of Jason’s back.
“Shhh, shhh,” Shade was saying. “Jason is safe. Shade is safe. Chase is safe. Loud is done, Jason. No harm, no hurt. Shhh.” It sounded a lot like how Chase had spoken to Shade when they’d encountered the dog, and Jason spared a brief hysterical second wondering if this was what Shade meant by “not being allowed to feel bad.” Because Jason felt pretty crummy.
“Sorry,” he said, easing off Shade. “I’m fine now.”
“Is okay,” Shade said, sitting up. He gave Jason a wry look. “Jason won round. Definitely pinned.”
That startled out a laugh. “Three for three, then,” he said, trying to keep the smile. “Clearly we need to do this more. You’re out of practice.”
Shade made a face at him.
“When did Chase get here?” Jason asked. He hadn’t been in the mat room for the first game.
“I came in halfway through your second round,” Chase said. “You… you left the door open, so I thought….”
“Oh.” Jason… Jason hadn’t noticed.
Wow.
Chase frowned. “I like watching you two play. Is that all right?”
“No, no, that’s fine,” Jason said, raking a hand through his hair. He needed to get it cut again; it was getting too long. “I just. I didn’t notice you come in, I guess. That’s new.”
“Bad new, good new?” Shade asked.
“Good new, I think. I’m a lot less on with you two. That’s—that’s nice. To think about.”
“Then I’m glad,” Chase said with a smile. “Did you two want to keep playing? Or maybe do something else?”
“One more game?” Shade suggested. “Then something else?”
Jason nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.” He grabbed his towel to wipe off the back of his neck, then got into position again. “Ready?”
“Ready,” Shade said, and leaped.
The forward movement took Jason by surprise—Shade usually dodged and weaved instead of running in head-on. He stepped back on instinct, one arm up to block, and Shade wrapped his fingers around the wrist, using his grip to pull himself in close.
“Tag,” he said, voice smug. “Not so out of practice.”
“Yeah, you got me,” Jason said, blinking. “Wow.” They stared at each other, panting, and there was that new feeling again, of wanting to lean in just a little farther.
“Jason?” Shade asked, voice careful. “Okay?”
Jason shook his head to clear it. “Yeah, fine,” he said, moving to step back. But Shade hadn’t let go of his wrist. “Um?”
Shade glanced at Chase, who nodded encouragingly. For what, Jason didn’t know. The room suddenly felt a little warmer.
“Have question,” Shade said, voice quiet. “Jason can say no. Jason please say it, if that’s his answer.”
“O-okay?”
“Could Shade kiss?”
Jason couldn’t help his startled intake of breath, blinking rapidly first at Shade, and then Chase. “I—” He stopped. Tamped down the initial panic over something new and reminded himself that this was Shade, that they’d talked about this, that Chase was also right there and that this—this could be okay.
“I’d like that,” he said eventually. Shade’s answering smile was just the barest of a
lip quirk. Then, slowly, he leaned up and in to press a gentle kiss to the corner of Jason’s mouth.
“Okay?” he asked.
Jason nodded, breathing shaky with nerves. “Very okay,” he managed. Movement out of the corner of his eye had him looking over at Chase, who had taken one step forward, wringing his hands.
“Could I?” he asked, voice tentative, almost raw.
Jason swallowed and turned more fully toward him. “Yeah,” he said. “If you want to. I….” He pushed the words out. “I want you to.”
Chase let out a sound that might have been a whimper, quickly crossing back over to Jason and standing right in front of him. Right next to Shade. He placed a gentle hand on Jason’s cheek and looked him straight in the eyes before moving closer.
Jason met him halfway, letting his eyes close at the faint brush of lips against his own.
“Oh,” he said, when Chase pulled back.
“Was that all right?”
“Yeah,” Jason whispered. “I… I’d like to do it again.”
Chase smiled at him. “Okay.”
THE REST of the week was an exercise in distraction. Jason spent more time than he would have liked hiding in corners with his eyes squeezed shut and heart beating double-time, but for the most part he was cooking with Chase, or rolling around on the mat with Shade, or watching something with both of them. Even with the noise outside making him leap up every so often, something bigger in him felt settled. Like this really could work. Was working.
He still spent time on the mat by himself, had to keep up his training. But… sometimes Chase or Shade asked if they could watch, and he was okay with letting them.
And they tried to experiment a little more with each other too, since the kissing. Since that was—allowed now. Jason wanted to be closer with Shade and Chase. Especially after Chase had clarified that, yes, he did experience sexual desires and did get pleasure from such encounters.
Jason wanted to work up to giving him that. And… and take it back for himself too.
