The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

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  For Jules

  Prologue

  Tackling the Taboo

  Dear Readers,

  Today marks the second anniversary of The Beginner’s Guide to Loneliness. I can’t express how grateful I am for all of your messages telling me how my blog has helped you navigate your own personal journeys. It makes me incredibly proud to know that so many people have benefitted from this site.

  Admitting that you are lonely remains one of the biggest taboos in our society. That’s why all of the recent publicity the blog has received has been so welcome. The mixture of newspaper, magazine and online coverage has helped thousands of new readers to find their way here. If you’re one of them, then welcome! The more able people feel to talk about being lonely, the easier it becomes to seek the support that’s needed.

  One of the greatest misconceptions is that loneliness stems from a character trait, or even a character flaw. Listen to me: you don’t have to be broken to be lonely. I’ve heard it so many times: ‘But you’re so friendly . . .’ ‘You seem to get on with people so easily . . .’ ‘But you know lots of people . . .’ etc. I hope I am friendly, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel isolated at times too; it doesn’t mean I don’t find it difficult to connect with people.

  The truth is, you can be alone and not at all lonely – happy and content in your own company. Or you can be at the centre of a huge crowd and feel so lonely it’s like a physical ache.

  Sudden life changes can sometimes cause connections with other people to fall away. A bereavement, change of job or even the disintegration of a relationship are just a few of the catalysts. Should more than one of these things hit you at the same time, as they did for me, you can end up feeling not just lonely, but completely stuck, searching for the way out.

  So no, you don’t have to be broken to be lonely – but loneliness can, eventually, break you.

  Let’s keep talking about it. Let’s keep looking at ways to heal. Let’s keep supporting each other. Here’s to the next two years of TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com.

  Thank you for being here.

  TBGTL

  *

  P.S. A note to the press: thank you so much for your interest in the site! Should you wish to reach me about my work, please use the contact page. I will, however, be maintaining my anonymity. From this point onwards please note that I will not respond to any communications that include the request to ‘come out’ to my readers.

  Chapter 1

  True Friends Will Always Be There

  Warriors Chat Group. April 30. 10.48pm

  WriterTori: Guys, help!

  Nathalie33: Hey Tori! What’s occurring?

  WriterTori: Gah. Gah. GAH!

  Nathalie33: Drama. Drama. DRAMA ;) Come on. Tell Aunty Nat . . .

  WriterTori: Are Sue and Hugh online?

  Nathalie33: Who knows . . . who cares . . . ?

  WriterTori: Nat!!

  Nathalie33: Kidding! Anyway, talk to me. What’s up?

  SueSue52: Oi, Nat, you cheeky mare! I’m here Tori. Managed to place any of your articles yet?

  WriterTori: No, and that’s half the problem.

  Nathalie33: What’s the other half?

  WriterTori: Paying my rent! My landlord is being patient, but he said he wants the money the next time he sees me.

  SueSue52: Ah, the joys of life as a self-employed writer. I thought you were going to look for a part-time job?

  Nathalie33: Nah, she gave up that idea to focus!

  SueSue52: How’s that working out?

  Nathalie33: How do you think it’s working out? Her landlord’s chasing her . . .

  WriterTori: Jeez, thanks guys . . . But seriously – I’m skint. I have a million ideas for articles out, but so far, no interest. AND I’m struggling for rent, hence the landlord issue. Also, I haven’t been paid by puddle.com, even though I wrote six weeks’ worth of content for them before they went under!

  SueSue52: Nightmare! Wish I could help you out, but with the twins’ birthday coming up and OH’s hours cut, we’re tight too. Maybe think again about getting that part-time job?

  WriterTori: Cheers Sue, but I wouldn’t want to borrow from you guys anyway. And I don’t want to give in and look for a job yet. Would seem like admitting defeat . . . Anyway, this one opportunity has come up, and I need your advice about whether or not to go for it.

  Nathalie33: Spill . . .

  WriterTori: You know I don’t accept any advertising on the blog?

  Nathalie33: If you did, you wouldn’t be having these problems. The Beginner’s Guide to Loneliness is so insanely popular – you’d be raking it in, especially after the recent publicity you’ve been getting. And don’t get me started on all the interview opportunities you’ve turned down . . . !

  WriterTori: That’s not what the site’s about! The blog’s anonymous and I want to keep it that way. But, this place in Wales called The Farm made contact a couple of weeks ago. They run wellness retreats and they’ve offered me a spot on the latest course in exchange for a review.

  SueSue52: What’s the course?

  WriterTori: It’s a mixture of mindfulness and counselling, designed to teach people how to improve their mental health and wellbeing. You work on building authentic relationships, self-acceptance, with a bit of yoga thrown in there for good measure. They reckon my readers are their target audience.

  Nathalie33: Erm, yep – I can see their point! So are they going to pay you?

  WriterTori: No, but it’s a free three-week course that normally costs £3k, and they provide food, somewhere to stay and they’d cover travel costs too. What do you think? I’m not sure if I should go . . .

  Nathalie33: Why the hell not? It sounds like it’s practically tailor-made for you!

  WriterTori: 1. Because the site’s anonymous! 2. Because it feels a bit like I’d be selling out.

  SueSue52: The anonymity thing is easy enough to get around. Just contact them via the blog’s generic email address and say you’ll send ‘one of the site’s reviewers’. Stops them knowing that you’re the face behind all the articles.

  WriterTori: Oh. Actually, that’s a good plan.

  Nathalie33: And you wouldn’t be selling out by writing about an experience that could benefit so many of your readers.

  SueSue52: Have you got a link?

  WriterTori: Sure, two secs . . .

  *

  I paste the retreat’s website address into the chat for Sue and Nat to peruse and then slump back on my sofa. With my computer balanced precariously on my lap, I reach over for my glass of wine and take a gulp. It’s not just my need to stay anonymous that’s making me hesitate. The thought of sharing my problems, face to face, makes me feel a bit sick. That’s why I need the Warriors’ second (and third and fourth) opinions.

  I really don’t know where I’d be without this lot. Nat, Sue and Hugh have been my one constant for the past two years, ever since I lost my mum. Things got . . . desperate. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about how I was really feeling, so I went online and found a grief support group. Nat came to my rescue within minutes of me posting to the communal chat. We talked so much that we were clogging up the thread, and it was gently suggested by a moderator that we shift over to our own private message channel. We chatted for hours on end, and she
was just amazing. I credit her with single-handedly saving my sanity that first week.

  I was still posting to the communal chat too, desperate for as much support as possible, and that’s where I met Hugh and Sue. Sue had lost a baby the previous month and Hugh’s brother had end-stage terminal cancer. We clicked so well that I invited them into the private channel too. I don’t think Nat was very happy that our chats were now between four of us, but I’d found my life raft. I could be completely open with these three, and within just a few weeks, they became my family.

  That was two years ago, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Online at least. I’ve never met them in real life as we’re spread all over the country. I’ve tried to meet up with Nat a couple of times as she’s not that far away from London, just along the south coast, but something always crops up at the last minute and we still haven’t managed it.

  But just because we’ve never met in person doesn’t stop me classing Sue, Nat and Hugh as my best friends. They held me together after Mum’s accident. They were there through the long nights of tears when my relationship with my fiancé, Markus, imploded. They stop me from feeling completely alone and are my loudest and best cheerleaders.

  Nat’s actually the one who encouraged me to start up The Beginner’s Guide. It started out as my way of coping with everything that had happened to me, but it’s grown way past that. I write anonymous essays on grief, loss, depression and loneliness. I know – they hardly sound like the most cheering of subjects, but losing myself in the research and looking at the behaviours and patterns that everyone shares helps me to see that I’m not completely alone. Or, at least, I am, but everyone is at some stage.

  Anyway, the site has really struck a chord. I receive an astonishing number of hits some days and, like Nat said, even the glossies and newspapers have picked up on my pieces recently – though they rather went to town on the whole ‘who’s behind the blog?’ angle. This makes me even more grateful that I kept it anonymous – I’m not sure I’m up for becoming ‘the face of loneliness’. As it is, I’m safe in the knowledge that it’s only the Warriors who know that I’m the one behind the words.

  My computer makes a chirruping sound and I nearly spill my wine in my haste to see what they both think.

  *

  Nathalie33: Sorry, I don’t get why you’re hesitating. This looks incredible!

  SueSue52: It does look like an amazing opportunity Tori. But no pay? Not sure how that’s going to help your current situation . . .

  Nathalie33: Of course it is! She’ll get fed and watered for free so won’t need to spend any money, and she’ll have the chance to take a break from everything else, including the big bad landlord. Tori, it’ll give you some really interesting new content for the blog on top of the review they’ve asked for. And, let’s face it, you could do with the help, what with everything you’ve been dealing with. Get some of that shit sorted, and all sorts of good things could happen for you.

  *

  I feel like I’ve been slapped. I shoot to my feet, plonk the laptop down unceremoniously on the coffee table and start to pace around my tiny living room.

  Maybe Nat’s got a point. I do need a break from everything, and getting some help to keep my head straight would be a massive bonus.

  My heart’s hammering, and I pause in my stomping to steady myself against the wall. I suck in a deep breath and try to calm down.

  The laptop chirrups. They can wait. Just for a moment. I flop back down onto the sofa and, ignoring the chat, click back onto the tab for the retreat.

  The words jump out at me: Healing, Mindfulness, Relationships, Grief. I scroll through some of the photos and gasp. Their beautiful stone farmhouse is set among green fields and wild flowers. There are photos of orchards in bloom, cosy campfires and a table laden with a gorgeous feast.

  Three weeks.

  What if other work comes through during that time? I’d risk missing out on paid jobs by being away. I drain my wine glass.

  Perhaps I need to sleep on this. Again. The request’s been in my inbox, unanswered, for at least a couple of weeks.

  I click back through to the email and scan it again. Shit. I can’t sleep on this. The bloody thing starts on Monday. It’s currently Thursday – night. Balls. I’m so not good at making snap decisions. Any decisions actually.

  Chirrup.

  Nathalie33: You okay?

  Nathalie33: Tori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Just thought it could be good for you.

  HughTypesLikeAFlamingo: Subtle as ever, Nat! Nice job.

  HughTypesLikeAFlamingo: Hi by the way :)

  Nathalie33: Get lost, Hugh! Tori? Come back! Don’t leave me hanging . . .

  WriterTori: Sorry, I was just having another look at that link.

  SueSue52: So? What do you think? Gonna go for it? These guys look like they know their stuff.

  WriterTori: Don’t think so. I can’t afford to be out of action for 3 weeks.

  Nathalie33: Ah, come on Tori, what have you got to lose?! It’s the 21st century. You can keep on top of emails and everything while you’re there, and if something new comes in, just fit it in around the course. Isn’t that the joy of being self-employed?!

  WriterTori: I don’t know . . .

  HughTypesLikeAFlamingo: Do it do it do it!

  WriterTori: You really think so?

  HughTypesLikeAFlamingo: Hell yeah! Like Nat said, you’ve got nothing to lose!

  WriterTori: Okay, okay. Three against one. I’m in! I’ll shoot them an email in the morning and see if it’s still available.

  Nathalie33: Why wait? Let them know now. You’ve been sitting on this long enough by the sound of it. Then they’ll get it first thing tomorrow and you can organize everything ASAP.

  SueSue52: Woohoo! Good for you Tori :) You have to promise to share all the gory details with us though . . .

  WriterTori: Of course – you guys have to promise to be my lifeline.

  HughTypesLikeAFlamingo: Aren’t we always? ;)

  WriterTori: Well, yeah. You’re family and I don’t know what I’d do without you.

  Nathalie33: Let me know as soon as it’s all confirmed!

  WriterTori: Of course! Right, I’m off to write the email and then to bed . . . Looks like I’ll be spending the weekend packing for a trip to Wales.

  SueSue52: Whatever you do, don’t forget your wellies!

  *

  I grin as I close down the chat tab. The smile feels unfamiliar on my face. It’s been a while. Firing off a quick email to The Farm, I tell them that one of the blog’s reviewers has agreed to attend the course if their offer is still open. I hold my breath as I hit send.

  Scrolling through the photographs of the retreat for one last time, I gaze at the beautiful countryside, fresh food and all that green. Yes. This could be perfect. Out of the city, away from my grumpy landlord and away from all those crappy memories.

  I pad through to my bedroom, determined to get a decent night’s sleep for once. If this works out, I’ve got a seriously busy couple of days ahead of me, and an even busier three weeks. I need to be ready to head off and leave everything for a while. But, then, that’s the joy of still being footloose and fancy free at the grand old age of thirty-three.

  Just as I’m snuggling down into my pillows, my phone buzzes with a new email alert. I fumble for it in the dark and glance at the screen, fully expecting it to be junk about erectile dysfunction or offering me hot sex with a Colombian beauty.

  But no. It’s the retreat centre. I sit up and swipe it open.

  They’re looking forward to welcoming the reviewer on Monday, and they want said reviewer to call The Farm in the morning to confirm details.

  Holy shit, what have I let myself in for?

  Chapter 2

  Positive Is as Positive Does

  ‘Every dawn brings a new challenge, but by going into the day with a positive mindset, you’ll colour everything that follows with positivity.’

  ©TheBeginner
sGuideToLoneliness.com

  I hate trains.

  Do you want to know what I hate even more than trains? Coaches.

  I had to swap to what must be the most uncomfortable version of public transport available when my train terminated in Carmarthen, and for the past hour I’ve been trundling through the soggy depths of deepest, darkest Wales as if I’m on some kind of urgent mission.

  I really don’t want to be here.

  ‘Rhyn-Yr-Eithin will be our next stop,’ the driver mumbles into his microphone. ‘Make sure you gather all your belongings, ladies and gents!’

  About bloody time. I reach up and stretch out my spine, wincing slightly at every single crackle and pop that comes from sitting in one position for too long. Catching sight of my reflection in the grubby window, I rake my hands through my hair and try to tame my wayward mop.

  Oh God, where have I landed myself?

  All I’ve seen from the windows for the past hour has been green, green, green, sheep, more green . . .

  Green is a highly overrated colour in my opinion.

  As we come to a standstill, I struggle to my feet and thrust the course handbook I’ve been trying to binge-read into my handbag. I yank it roughly onto my shoulder and try not to bash people on the back of the head as I struggle down the narrow aisle. I manoeuvre my feet gingerly down the steep steps, conscious of my high heels and the looming gap between the coach and the curb edge.

  I really should stop taking fashion advice from people I’ve never met.

  Sue thought it would be a good idea for me to turn up looking professional so that they take me seriously when I arrive. I’ve opted for a smart, slightly funky outfit. I haven’t worn heels since I left my job at the ad agency and, frankly, if I’d had my way, I’d be in a pair of grubby Converse, but Sue nearly had a meltdown at the idea. As usual, I’d ended up trusting someone else’s judgement above my own and Sue won. Hence the ridiculous heels that, right now, couldn’t be more out of place if they tried.

  Landing safely on the pavement, I look around to see the driver hauling my little wheelie case out of the hold before dumping it onto the tarmac. I totter over and thank him. He simply raises his hand, hops back on the coach and, without ceremony, closes the door and drives away.