The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  A bell rings and my attention grudgingly shifts back to the stairs. Ted has joined Lizzie and they stand together, side by side, watching us all. Then Ted speaks up.

  ‘Come on up and let’s learn about how we can help each other fulfil our quests.’

  We all shuffle towards the bottom of the steps, forming a queue in classic British fashion. I make sure that I’m somewhere near the middle. A thrill flares in my belly. Now that I’ve decided not to make a break for it, I can’t help but feel curious as to what’s about to happen next.

  I inch forward as each person disappears through the dark, curtained doorway at the top of the steps.

  ‘So, what do you reckon? Ready for this?’ Doreen asks from behind me.

  ‘Sure . . . It’s not like anything awful can happen, is it?’ I say with way more bravado that I’m actually feeling.

  ‘Tori,’ Ted smiles at me as I step forward. He is out of his scruffy jeans and bobbly jumper. Instead, he’s wearing a pristine, white cheesecloth shirt over wide, white, floaty trousers. On his feet are little green velvet shoes and under his chin is fastened a heavy brown cloak which is pushed back over one shoulder. I smile at him, my lips twitching as I struggle to contain a giggle. He looks like an extra from The Hobbit.

  ‘It is now time for you to commit yourself fully to this process and to surrender any guilt you feel for being here. Can you do this?’

  ‘Sure,’ I reply. Well, they certainly enjoy repeating themselves. I’m still here, aren’t I? If I were going to make a break for it, I’d already be halfway down the M4 by now. And I’m certainly not feeling guilty about being here . . . I might make sure Nat does when I get back online though!

  ‘Step through,’ says Ted.

  I push the curtain aside, take a step and come to an abrupt stop. It’s pitch-black in here. The back of my neck tingles. I stand still, waiting for my eyes to acclimatize, but nothing happens. I still can’t see. My breath starts to come quicker as my heart rate goes into overdrive. Can I hear the sound of water, or is that my imagination? I start to turn my head, searching for any movement or chink of light.

  ‘Come, turn to face me.’

  I let out a squeak of fright as Lizzie’s voice, soft as silk, sounds in my ear. I turn to it, trying to breathe quietly and stop my hands from shaking.

  ‘You don’t need to be afraid. You need to trust us. Trust us enough to let us guide your unplanned steps into dark places. We will always be there to guide you through to the other side if you get lost.’

  I let out an impatient sigh. I can feel my momentary fear turn to anger. I try to shove my emotions back down inside me.

  ‘Do you trust me?’

  It’s a direct and blunt question, and I’m not going to answer it. No, I bloody don’t. This is a completely random stranger who I’ve only just met. I take a deep breath. Seems my inner bitch has come out to protect me again . . .

  ‘You’re right to be cautious. But I will not let you fall. I will not let you get lost. I am here to guide you through your troubles, not to guide you around them. Do you trust me?’

  I get the sinking feeling that I’m not going to get any further until I say something.

  ‘Fine. Yes, I trust you,’ I huff.

  ‘Good. Please step out of your shoes.’

  Not the bloody shoes again? These people are fixated. I use my heel to slip out of one oversized welly boot and then the other. Bending down, I grope around in the darkness to pick them up.

  ‘You can leave them here. Do not be afraid. I am to going to place a blindfold over your eyes and lead you through to the next step.’

  Before I know what’s happening, a strip of material is being tied over my eyes. She may be gentle, but I jump as she makes contact in the dark and stand rigid until she’s finished. At least the blindfold takes away that unnatural darkness, but still, the sooner this bit’s over, the better.

  A warm hand takes one of mine and I jump again. I’m going to be a nervous wreck by the time this is over. A gentle pressure on my back and a tug on my hand coaxes me forward. I stumble as I take an uncertain step in the dark. I know that they can’t let me get hurt, but there’s an irrational part of my brain currently on high alert, telling me I’m going to fall down a big, dark hole any second now.

  After an eternity of being led in what feels like circles, we stop.

  ‘Your next guide is here.’

  A new hand takes mine. It’s large, rough-skinned and warm. This time there’s no pressure on my back, just an insistent tug at my arm, and I follow, trying to catch the pace of this new person. Whoever it is is walking faster, and I have to concentrate on the pressure on my hand and nothing else to stop me from tripping. I start to relax into it in spite of myself. After all, I’ve not been led straight into a brick wall. Yet.

  Finally, we come to a halt and the hand lets go of mine. I stand there expecting someone to take my blindfold off, but nothing happens. I’m just starting to get jittery again when two hands land on my shoulders and I give a little shriek. I’m sure I hear a snort of laughter from behind me, but my heart is beating so fast I have no idea if I imagined it or not. I feel a gentle pressure and realize that they want me to sit down. Without being able to see what I’m doing, I brace myself to drop all the way to the floor, but hit something squishy that feels like a giant marshmallow.

  This could be the library definition of uncomfortable. I wait for someone to come and take my blindfold off, but nothing happens. I’m getting a bit fidgety on my marshmallow and shift my bottom slightly, but end up almost tumbling onto the floor.

  Of course, there’s nothing to stop me from taking the blindfold off myself, except for self-consciousness. At least like this I don’t have to take any responsibility for what’s going on.

  ‘We’re all here!’ Ted’s voice rings out.

  I shift my bum again as my legs threaten to go to sleep on me, this time careful not to disappear off the edge.

  ‘You might be wondering what’s happening; what this is all about. You are here with us to challenge your comfort zones. What better way to start than by trusting a stranger to blindfold you and lead you into unknown territory? While you’re here there will be moments when you will need help. Remember that you are each a part of this – you need to be able to trust us and each other.’

  There’s restless shuffling and the sounds of breathing all around me. Someone clears their throat.

  ‘We will now come around and give you the gift of your eyes once again. Please don’t speak yet. Just hold in your heart your experience so far and what it means to you.’

  The restlessness increases. I close my eyes tightly underneath the blindfold. I’m not sure I really want to see what’s going on around me. What if my inner cynic decides to come out and party?

  There’s a gentle touch on my shoulder, letting me know that someone’s standing behind me. I hold my breath. They remove my blindfold and, to my surprise, brush my hair away from my face with gentle fingers. My eyes fly open and light seems to flood in after being in the dark for so long. It’s not the harsh light from an electric bulb, but the soft flicker of candles set in dozens of glass jars around the room.

  I look around me, wondering if I’m going to be able to figure out who just decided to play with my hair. Ted’s to one side, then I notice Lizzie the other side of me with Moth. It could have been either of them. Or the guy over there who lent me his wellies earlier. Good. This is a good thing. If I don’t know who it was, I can’t feel awkward about it.

  We’re all sitting in a circle under the eaves of the old barn. Doreen grins at me, but Geoff isn’t looking quite so happy. His eyes are darting around furiously, as if trying to catch someone out. So it’s not just me who’s a tad uncomfortable with the situation then . . .

  Directly across the circle from me, one of the three Beardy Weirdies is sitting in the lotus position. Despite having his blindfold removed before me, his eyes remain closed and he has a little smile playing on his lips. I h
ave to forcibly stop my eyes from rolling. It’s all well and good to give yourself a couple of seconds to suck up the ambiance, but this guy is clearly just making sure that everyone notices his superior state of enlightenment before he deigns to join the rest of us in the room. Bloody muppet.

  There’s a dark-haired guy next to him that I don’t recognize. This must be the late arrival, and much to my amusement his shoulders are shaking with suppressed giggles. He catches my eye and his whole face is a picture of someone trying not to laugh out loud. I bite my own lip in response and he winks at me, shaking his head.

  Maybe it’s all the candles, but it suddenly feels rather warm in here. Thank goodness for the soft, low light, though, as the look he’s giving is making me melt and blush at the same time.

  Chapter 8

  Cracking the Nut

  ‘As you work to forge new connections, starting friendships and finding your community, you’re going to have to open up and reveal a bit about yourself. That first crack, the first glimpse of the soft and beautiful inside, is hard-won, but so worth it.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  ‘Now, let’s get to know each other a bit; find out what brings us all here and what we each hope to get out of the experience,’ says Lizzie, easing herself onto a wooden chair next to Ted. Her hair is now hanging long and loose down her back and she’s wearing a simple white dress with a short grey cloak over her shoulders. I sit up and try to concentrate rather than eyeballing the newcomer, who still seems to be fighting a losing battle with laughter. He’s threatening to sweep me along with him if I’m not careful.

  ‘We know,’ Ted joins in, ‘that this might be extremely difficult for you. And that’s fine. It’s okay to figure things out as you go along. But try to state what you feel right now in this moment. All we ask is that you are open. This evening is all about creating bonds of trust with each other.’

  I drop my eyes to the floor, and when I look up again the new guy waggles his eyebrows at me. The yellow smiley-face badge pinned to the front of his shirt glints in the candlelight. I smile at him, but hastily straighten my face and tune back into what Lizzie is now saying.

  ‘These bonds are likely to outlast your stay here with us. This is a time for making new connections. Don’t be afraid. Embrace the experience fully. So, friends, be open, be truthful and be brave. That is all we ask.’

  ‘First, names.’ This comes from the guy who lent me his wellies. ‘Let’s go around the circle. I want the name you go by among friends; we don’t care about official tags here. I also want one word to tell us all how you feel right now. I’ll start. I’m Russ, and I’m feeling calm.’ He turns to Bay, who’s flopped on a beanbag next to him.

  ‘I’m Bay. I’m excited. Oh, and this is Dennis,’ he adds, patting the dog next to him on the head. ‘He’s usually happy.’

  ‘Hi, I’m Doreen. I’m . . . um . . .’ she picks at her thumbnail.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Ted smiles at her. ‘Whatever comes to you first!’

  ‘Terrified!’ she squeaks with a little smile.

  ‘Sam. Lost.’

  ‘Emma. Excited.’

  ‘Than. Curious.’ It’s the newcomer, and there’s a little smile on his face as he speaks. It might be just me, but I swear he managed to make those two words sound just the tiniest bit sarcastic.

  ‘Geoff. Hungry.’ A titter of appreciation runs around the circle. Ted smiles but Lizzie’s face pulls tight into a little frown of disapproval, which is hastily hidden under her love-for-all-mankind look.

  ‘Moth. Open.’ She turns to me. Ah. Shit.

  ‘Tori. Erm . . . empty?’ Empty? Where the hell did that come from? Now they’re going to think that I’m some kind of emotionless robot! Why am I worrying about what this lot think of me anyway? Of course it would be lovely to make a few friends, but let’s face it, the reality is I’ll probably never see any of them again after the three weeks are up. I’ve just got to remember that I’m here to check out this course and write a review for the blog. And if I’m going to manage that, I’d better start concentrating. While I’ve been obsessing and staring at the floor, I’ve managed to miss a bunch of names. Bugger.

  *

  ‘Brilliant.’ Lizzie smiles at us all. She peers around the circle, taking her time. I cringe, realizing that I’ve probably just been caught daydreaming.

  ‘You’ve all been guided through your initiation and shown that you’re willing to trust us to help you reach your goals. You are ready. Know that no thought is wrong, that no action should be considered incorrect and no reaction invalid. Allow yourselves to question – that’s fine – but never halt in your journey. Follow your instincts down whichever paths you need to explore, safe in the knowledge that we are here to support you.’

  A buzz of excitement runs around the group like bad wiring. This is already exceeding the wildest dreams of most of them. I don’t join in. I’m frightened. Truly, little-girl-style scared at the thought of becoming close to a group of people who I stand to lose in a couple of weeks. And as for sharing my issues with them, right now I’m struggling with the idea of even sharing my breakfast preferences.

  ‘Now, let’s hear from each of your tutors. Ted, why don’t you start?’

  Ted nods. ‘Okay, so most of you already know a bit about me, but just to level the playing field, here it is again. The Farm is my home, along with my wonderful wife Lizzie and our daughter Rowan. I have no doubt you’ll all meet her soon if you haven’t already.

  ‘We started this retreat because it’s never been more important to learn how to safeguard our wellbeing and manage our mental health.

  ‘I’m really looking forward to working with you all. I’m a registered counsellor as well as a certified fire-walk instructor, so I’ll be the one leading that session when we come to it.’

  Ted sits down and I join in with the applause on autopilot, my brain busy freaking out over the words ‘fire walk’. When I saw that bit in the guidebook, I thought it was a metaphor for dealing with the scary stuff, not a literal burn-the-soles-of-your-feet-off session. Before I can panic too much, however, someone else around the circle speaks.

  ‘I’m Claire.’

  Claire is one of those women you just can’t put an age on. She’s wearing loose black trousers with a flimsy white shirt, and I can’t help but stare as I notice that, even in this light, I can see straight through it. It appears she doesn’t believe in bras. I look away as soon as I realize what I’m doing and catch Doreen’s eye. She winks at me and nods over at one of the Beardy Weirdies, whose mouth is hanging open. As Claire raises a hand to run her fingers through her thick, dark hair, I swear the concentration levels in the room ramp up.

  ‘When you’re dealing with deep-seated emotions and working through your innermost desires and fears, these can work inwards unless they are fully expressed and let out of your body. In fact, many people find that the root of their issues is stored as muscle memory; your body remembers things that your mind has managed to lock away.

  ‘So, every day I will be running some form of bodywork. I will lead you in yoga, Pilates, dance and meditation. I work closely with Russ, but as he’s up next, I won’t spoil his bit.’

  Claire sits down and Russ gets to his feet. ‘Thanks, Claire. I’m Russ, and I’ll be your mindfulness instructor. As Claire said, the purposes of our sessions will often cross over. There’s a lot of evidence to support the use of mindfulness in combating depression and isolation. Learning to be fully present in the moment, no matter what you’re doing or where you are, ultimately makes you more comfortable and confident, as well as more connected within your relationships.’

  I jump as something cold and wet nudges my arm. Dennis is pushing his nose under my hand, attempting to sidle his considerable bulk up onto the beanbag beside me. I can’t help but smile at him, and shift over as quietly as I can to make room. He clambers up, turns around twice, swiping me both times with his tail, and plonks down with his
head resting on my lap. I place my hand on top of his hot head. I look up and lock eyes with Bay. I don’t know how long he’s been watching me, but he smiles. I smile back and glance down at Dennis. Well, if I can get over this particular fear so quickly, maybe there’s hope for me yet.

  Lizzie is the last of the instructors to speak, and she does it from the comfort of her chair, clearly a little bit worn out by this point. As well as being a trained counsellor like Ted, Lizzie will be working closely with us in the third week to guide us on the practicalities of taking everything we’ve learned and applying it to our real lives. I can’t help but think she’s being a bit optimistic. I’ve no doubt that she’d be more than up to the task, but somehow I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby appeared before she’s had her chance to shepherd us all back into the big wide world.

  As soon as she’s finished speaking, there’s another round of applause and everyone looks around expectantly. Ted stands up.

  ‘So, you all know what’s to come while you’re here. There will be a lot of surprises, not laid on by us, but generated by each of you. You will get out of this experience as much as you put into it, so I urge you to put aside any reservations and fully commit.

  ‘In a moment, I’m going to ask you all to present your wrists so that I can bind us all together.’ He pauses to show us a coil of silver-grey cord that he’s just pulled out of his pocket. ‘This is to symbolize our commitment to ourselves and the group as a whole.’

  Okay, so this is it, my last chance to back out. I look down at Dennis again, who’s now quietly snoring in my lap. What’s waiting for me if I walk away now? An empty flat, a lacklustre life and a shitload of bad memories. It’s not as though they can force me to do anything I really don’t want to do. I lift my hands off of the dog’s head and present them in front of me, looking around at the rest of the group.