The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘So what did the lovely Doreen have to say for herself?’

  ‘You know I can’t tell you that . . .’ I say. I sit up and hug my knees to me. Now I feel really bloody uncomfortable, and I’d quite like an excuse to go back to the others.

  ‘Tori?’ Than sits up beside me. ‘I’m sorry, I was only messing around.’

  I turn to look at him, and his face is sincere, his eyes searching mine. Maybe I’m overreacting, overthinking everything. I stare hard at the smiley badge on his chest, trying to get a handle on my feelings.

  ‘Really, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he says, and rests his hand briefly on my arm.

  I shake my head and give him a small smile. ‘It’s okay. Sorry, Than. Maybe I’m just a bit tired.’

  ‘So I’m forgiven?’ he asks.

  ‘Nothing to forgive,’ I say, and with a sigh I slump back onto the pillow again.

  Than lies back down next to me and, taking my hand, gives it a quick squeeze before letting go. ‘Thanks for coming with me this evening.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ I say, and close my eyes as another wave of weariness washes over me. We lie in silence for a couple of minutes.

  ‘You know, I miss this . . .’ I say at last.

  ‘What?’ Than sounds alert, perplexed.

  ‘Lying next to someone and just talking.’

  Than laughs. ‘What, you mean pillow talk?’

  ‘I guess,’ I say, slightly embarrassed.

  ‘So no other half at home, then?’

  ‘Not anymore. Actually, not for a couple of years now.’

  ‘You still miss him?’ Than asks.

  I take a second to think about it. ‘You know what? No . . . I don’t miss him. It’s like I said, I miss this. The talking. Being close to someone.’

  Than turns back on his side to face me and I move to do the same.

  ‘Well . . . just for the record, I’m always available for a bit of pillow talk.’ He winks at me and I smile back.

  I find myself hooked on his eyes again, and something in the atmosphere between us changes. I’m doing the slow, light breathing thing again, and the space between us feels like it’s getting smaller. I can feel the warmth of his skin radiating out from him. Our faces are so close, I can see darker flecks in his eyes.

  There’s a crash outside the tent, followed by the sounds of two people laughing and chattering. There’s another crash, and I spring away from Than as if someone’s thrown a bucket of iced water over my head.

  Through the tent’s entrance, I just have the chance to spot Claire and Moth next to a pile of wood they’ve just gathered, before a brown and white blur hurtles straight at me, tail wagging nineteen to the dozen. It’s Dennis, and he’s insistent on a cuddle at the same time as trying to give my face a wash with his tongue.

  I struggle to my knees, laughing and trying to keep my face slobber-free. But I give in and wrap my arms around the warm dog. For a second, all I can hear is his tail beating against my legs.

  ‘Out, dog!’ Than shouts, making me jump.

  Dennis pulls away from me and eyeballs Than warily.

  ‘Go on, out!’ Than shouts again. Dennis looks from Than to me, and back again, clearly unused to being spoken to like this.

  ‘It’s okay, Than,’ I say gently.

  ‘No, it’s not. Out!’ Than barks at Dennis for a third time, and I feel the rumble of a growl come from Dennis.

  ‘You’re scaring him,’ I say. ‘It’s okay, boy, come on.’ I go to lead Dennis out of the tent before he and Than get into a real argument.

  As Dennis scuttles out in front of me, Than leans forward and, placing one hand on my shoulder, tries to draw me gently back towards him. I shake my head at him and scramble out after the dog.

  Chapter 16

  Permission to Pause

  ‘You’ve pushed your boundaries, opened yourself to new experiences and challenged your comfort zones over and over again. It’s okay to give yourself permission to pause. You’re not stopping in your incredible journey, just taking a moment to admire how far you’ve come.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  I spot the yurt in the distance and breathe a sigh of relief. As I pause for a second to catch my breath, Dennis sits down and leans his head against my leg. From the moment we got out of Than’s tent, he has glued himself to me, acting like a large, furry shadow.

  I only stopped for a couple of minutes to say hello to Claire and Moth, shoving my shoes back on while they did their best to hide their obvious surprise at the sight of me and Than emerging from his tent. We’ve probably just managed to provide tomorrow’s juicy gossip. I cringe at the thought.

  Claire mentioned that everyone was going to reconvene down at the main fire pit for the evening. Than was all for us both walking straight back down there together, but I managed to wriggle out of it. Thinking about it now, I might have been a tad too firm with him about coming back on my own. I used Dennis as my excuse, but really, I just needed a bit of space. That little chat was taking a turn I didn’t feel particularly in control of, and the way he reacted to Dennis’s innocent appearance turned my butterflies into something that felt uncomfortably close to panic. Anyway, I’m craving some peace and quiet to work it all out a bit.

  As we head down the hill towards the yurt, Dennis’s tail goes into overdrive, and he pulls ahead of me and scoots inside before I get there. I flip open the flap to find Bay lounging at full stretch on the sofa.

  ‘Oh, hi!’ I say. I don’t know why I’m surprised to see him. I mean, he does live here too.

  Bay lifts his head off the cushions and smiles at me.

  ‘Hey, Tori. Sorry, let me budge up. I thought you were out for the evening.’ He swings his feet down, making space for me at the other end of the little sofa. Bang goes my chance of a quiet hour to myself.

  ‘I was,’ I say, flopping down next to him and leaning over to scratch Dennis’s ears. ‘But I thought I’d better bring this monkey home before the argument between him and Than got any more serious!’

  Bay raises his eyebrows. ‘Argument? What did he do?’

  ‘Oh, just growled at Than a bit.’

  ‘I didn’t mean Dennis.’

  I shrug. ‘Dennis bowled into Than’s tent. We were in there talking and Than told Dennis to get out . . . a couple of times . . . and poor old Dennis didn’t like it. No big deal.’

  Bay frowns. ‘Actually, it is a big deal. Dennis never growls.’

  ‘Well, he was as good as gold once I got him out of the tent, and he stuck right by me all the way home . . . or at least he did until he caught your scent and hurtled in here like a daddy’s boy!’

  ‘Well, thanks for bringing him back,’ says Bay. ‘You know, it sounds like he was trying to protect you.’

  I laugh. ‘Nah, he just wanted tickles and didn’t like being told off.’

  ‘Well, whatever. Thanks for making sure he was okay. And sorry he dragged you away from your, erm, talk . . .’

  I feel my face start to redden. ‘No probs. I wanted to head back here anyway.’

  ‘Need a bit of space?’ he asks, ruffling Dennis’s ears.

  I nod. ‘It’s quite intense here, isn’t it?’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘You okay?’ I ask curiously, realizing that I’ve just interrupted his moment of peace. ‘You weren’t at dinner . . .’

  ‘Yeah. I just needed some time to digest today’s sessions.’

  ‘You were with Than this afternoon, weren’t you?’ I say as lightly as possible.

  ‘Yup.’ Bay leans back against the sofa, looking wiped.

  ‘Do you want me to make you a cuppa before I go?’

  Bay shakes his head. ‘Nah, I’m good, thanks. You back off up to the campsite?’ he asks, looking pissed off for some reason.

  ‘Nope, they’ve decided to have a fire down in the main pit. You fancy it?’

  ‘I think I’ll stay put, thanks. I’m not in the best of moods.’


  ‘No, can’t say I’m feeling that settled either . . . but I’m learning sometimes company is the answer to that.’

  Bay smiles at me wearily. ‘Look, there’s something I wanted to say to you.’

  I wait to see what he says next, but he goes quiet.

  ‘What, Bay?’ I laugh, eventually breaking the silence.

  ‘This is between you and me . . .’ he blurts.

  ‘Ah, come on, I’m all secreted out for one day!’

  ‘I’ll give you this one for free, as long as you keep it to yourself. But after what you’ve just said, I think I’ve got to say something.’

  I shrug and don’t reply. Half of me is now super-curious to see what’s getting to him, and the other half is irritated that my moment of peace is turning into something far more complicated. I get to my feet and cross over to my case, intending to pull out a warmer jumper to wear down to the fire.

  ‘Watch out for Than,’ he says abruptly.

  I stop in my tracks, dumbfounded, and swing back around to face him.

  ‘What do you mean, watch out?’

  ‘I mean, just be a bit careful, Tori.’ He sits straighter on the sofa and twists to look at me. ‘There’s something about him that I’m not sure about.’

  ‘You can’t say that!’ I squeak, indignation oozing out of me. ‘I mean, we’ve all got stuff going on. That’s why we’re here. It’s meant to be a safe space to share with each other!’

  ‘I know. But something just isn’t sitting right.’

  I huff and go to defend Than further, but Bay cuts me off. ‘I’ve seen a lot, and I mean a lot, of troubled souls coming through here. They’re all looking for an answer to something. Trust me, some of the stuff that they’re looking for help with is pretty horrific. And none of them – not one – has ever caused these alarm bells before.’

  ‘And why exactly are you more worried about me than the rest of the group?’

  ‘I’m not blind, Tori. I see how Than is with you. He spent the whole opening ceremony staring at you. He’s managed to completely separate you from the rest of the group on more than one occasion . . . like when you two skipped out on the wild swimming session, and it sounds like he managed to do it again this afternoon after dinner.’

  ‘You’re imagining things. I told everyone I was sorry about the swimming session.’

  ‘I know . . . but why was he the one there to hold your hand? To encourage you to give in to your fears?’ Bay shakes his head as if there’s a fly irritating him. ‘How can it be best for you to just avoid the things you need to work on?’

  I shrug, and then go over to straighten my bed covers. I don’t have to listen to this rubbish.

  ‘Bay,’ I say, trying to keep my voice steady, ‘I did what was best for me. Than just happened to be there and noticed what was going on. For your information, I got a lot out of that session. Out of the whole day, actually.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ he says, the sarcasm in his voice is so heavy that he sounds like a completely different person. ‘I’m sure you got loads out of Lizzie’s session, spending the whole time staring into his eyes.’

  ‘Me? Staring at him? I . . .’ Damn and blast my bloody blush reflex. I can feel the heat radiating from my cheeks.

  ‘I saw it, Tori,’ Bay says again.

  ‘Well, you don’t need to worry about me. Besides, it looks like I’m going to have you and your bloody dog as a chaperone most of my waking life while I’m here, so there’s no chance anything could happen even if I wanted it to, is there?’

  ‘Nope,’ Bay snaps. ‘Not if I have anything to do with it anyway.’

  I shake my head in irritation. There is literally nothing I can say to make him believe that I’m not interested in Than . . . especially as, right now, I’m not one hundred per cent certain on that point either.

  *

  The fire turns out to be a blessing. For starters, it means I don’t have to hang out in the yurt, silently fuming while pretending that what Bay said about Than didn’t bug me. Because it really did. A lot. And that’s the other good thing about tonight. I’m not on my own with Than either. Because no matter how pissed off I am with Bay, his words of warning have lodged somewhere very deep down in my anxiety-prone brain. Between that and the weird turn things took up at the campsite earlier, I suddenly feel a little bit uncomfortable around Than.

  I could curse Bay for making me feel like this, because Than is back to being his usual friendly self. But now I can’t help but notice how he’s . . . I don’t know . . . he’s zoning in on me a bit. Every time I look up, he’s watching me. Whenever there’s a spot available next to me on one of the straw bales around the fire, he seems to be there, ready to fill it. But the whole group is here this evening. The only glaring exception is Bay, and that’s fine by me because at least it means I’m not going to constantly be on edge, worrying about what he imagines he can see between the two of us.

  ‘Hey!’

  I turn to find Doreen sitting next to me.

  ‘Glad you made it back for the fire.’ She grins. ‘I was wondering if you and a certain someone might be a bit too busy to join us!’

  And there I was, thinking I’d managed to escape that particular smoking gun.

  ‘He just wanted a chat . . .’ I mutter. Urgh, is everyone watching and wondering if there’s something going on?

  ‘Mm hmm . . .’ She leans closer and whispers, ‘Well, can’t say I’d blame you if you did more than just chat!’

  ‘Shhh!’ I wince, peeping back over my shoulder at Than, who’s sitting the other side of me. I can only hope he’s too busy chatting with Bob to have heard anything.

  ‘Nothing happened,’ I hiss, and Doreen’s perm seems to deflate a little bit with disappointment.

  ‘Really?’ she begs, ‘not even a tiny snippet of juicy gossip?’

  I laugh and shake my head. I could tell her about what I think almost happened, the butterflies . . . but frankly, I think we’re getting enough unwanted attention at the moment without fanning the flames.

  ‘So, how are you doing?’ I ask, trying to deflect the conversation away from the tangle I’m in.

  ‘Oh, fine, you know. Geoff reckons he already feels twenty years younger, what with the yoga and the swimming.’ She smiles and looks wistfully across the fire to where her husband is deep in conversation with Sam. She wipes a stray tear from her cheek so quickly it’s obvious that she’s hoping I won’t notice.

  ‘You okay?’ I ask, shuffling around to face her properly.

  Doreen nods and sniffs. ‘You know I said I couldn’t talk to you earlier?’

  I nod.

  ‘Can I tell you now?’ she whispers.

  ‘Of course!’ I say.

  ‘It’s just so strange, being here together. I’ve wanted to be able to spend more time with Geoff for ages . . . and now we’re here, I’m scared that we’ve both changed too much for it to work.’

  I pat Doreen’s arm ineffectually, and watch Ted haul another large log onto the fire. ‘But you’re getting the chance to get to know each other again?’

  ‘Well, yes. I’ve been caring for my mother for ages. Geoff’s a sweetheart, and has been so supportive, but having Mum living with us and being a full-time carer while Geoff has held everything together financially has put a lot of pressure on our marriage.’

  ‘You said your mum is in a home now?’ I ask, struggling to remember what she’d said at that first meeting in the farmhouse.

  ‘Yes. Social services finally decided that it would be best for her.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say.

  ‘That’s the problem,’ Doreen laughs, but I can hear that it’s thick with unshed tears, ‘I’m not. I feel so guilty saying this, but it’s the biggest relief. It’s hard enough when your own mother doesn’t recognize you, but she was becoming more and more difficult to care for. She got really violent at times. You must think I’m so horrible . . .’

  Doreen starts to cry in earnest. I shuffle right over to the ed
ge of my straw bale and put an arm around her shoulders. ‘I don’t think anything of the sort,’ I say quietly. I remember the horrible comment I made to Than when we skived off from the swim, and what he said about Doreen earlier, and a part of me cringes.

  ‘Thanks, Tori!’ Doreen snuffles, pulling back and wiping her face. ‘I just . . . I’m just so scared that me and Geoff won’t find that thing between us again, you know?’ she says. ‘He’s my best friend and he knows me better than anyone else in the world . . . but . . . that’s not enough, is it?’

  I shrug. ‘Sorry, not my area of expertise.’

  She smiles at me, her lips trembling. ‘Oh, don’t you go worrying about that. You’re sharing your tent with one guy who can’t take his eyes off you,’ she leans in a bit closer, ‘and sharing a bale with another one.’

  I roll my eyes at her and she nudges me in the ribs.

  ‘I’ll leave that kind of thing up to you!’ I say. ‘Sharing with Bay is like a cross between sharing with a mean older brother and a strict head teacher.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ she says, gazing longingly across the fire at Geoff.

  *

  By the time I head back to the yurt, it’s ridiculously late. It was just me, Than, Doreen, Geoff and Beardy Weirdy left, so I figured I’d make a break for it before there was any chance of being left alone with Than. If I’m being totally honest, I might have timed my rather abrupt departure when he and Geoff were deep in conversation to avoid any chance of him offering to walk me back. Let’s face it, appearing this late with Than in tow wouldn’t be the best way to keep the peace with Bay.

  I feel a little thrill of pride when I spot the yurt in front of me, happy that I’ve managed to find my way back on my own in the dark.

  I slip off my boots and sneak in through the entrance flap to be greeted by two rounds of loud snoring. I breathe a soft sigh of relief. There’ll be no first degree nor the need for any more awkward conversation tonight. That’ll just have to keep until morning.

  Chapter 17

  Extraordinarily Ordinary

  ‘Stop looking for those big changes that scare you. Stop waiting for the lightning bolt that will change your life in one strike. Instead, open yourself up and look around you every day for the opportunities to make an ordinary moment extraordinary.’