Soul Remembered (Soul Series Book 2)

by Laura Winter

  “If you’re waiting for Finnley, I’m afraid she threw quite a fit about her hair being brushed. We had to put her to bed,” he said, kneeling down in front of me. “I’m the doctor around here. You can call me Jackson.”

  “I was told I had to wait a month to see the doctor,” I said, eyeing him carefully. His black hair was slicked back, but it didn’t suit him well. He looked like he was nearing his forties and trying to hide the gray and thinning hair around his temples.

  “I made a special trip for you. I hear you don’t think you should be in here,” Jackson said, his smile unsettling. I didn’t have a choice to avoid him. As he stood and motioned me with him, I followed, remembering Madeline’s warning. I had to block my brain, even though I wasn’t sure how.

  37

  Nate

  I followed Jackson into an office, surprised that so many things were left out in the open. There were so many objects I could pick up and hit him with if I wanted. I wonder if anyone had ever tried to do that. It wasn’t hard to imagine Finnley doing that.

  As he sat down in his desk chair, a shadow brushed across his face. For a second, I thought it looked like a bruise. I felt the memory coming, and I did my best to stay focused. How do you block your brain?

  Finnley swung hard with her right hand, connecting with Jackson’s cheek in a loud crack. Her fingers curled in my hand as I fought to keep her from doing any more damage.

  I snapped out of it and sat down in the chair across from Jackson. He watched me carefully as I studied the things on his desk. Sitting in front of me, I watched a stone swirling with blue and black smoke. It must have been some sort of light, but I swear that blue color was familiar. I went back to watching Jackson. Finnley and I had met him before. Was he really a doctor?

  “Can you maybe explain why I’m here? No one will tell me anything,” I said, folding my arms.

  “Your parents admitted you, do you not remember that?” he asked, frowning. For a moment, I actually believed he was concerned.

  I shrugged. “I seem to have forgotten that part.”

  He kept level emotions as he explained. “You claimed you were seeing shadows moving and following you. You started acting paranoid. With your parents not around much, they were worried they couldn’t help you. How has the transition been? You seem to be doing quite well since that first day.”

  Jackson leaned back in his chair as he closed a file folder. If I hadn’t just seen that memory and heard my own voice say I was throwing myself out of the shadows, I might have believed the doctor. But on top of that, and with everything that Madeline had said about powers, it had to be a lie. How much of this place was real? How long had we been tricked?

  “If I’m getting better, how long do I have to be here?” I asked, pulling my foot up on the chair.

  “It depends. While the medication has been working, there are still a lot of things we need to recondition in your head. Perhaps you can be out of here in six to eight months.”

  Months? My heart dropped. Maybe all of these memories weren’t worth it. I wasn’t crazy, so if I just played along, I would get out of here eventually.

  “Okay. Can I go back to my friend now?” I asked, trying to play innocent.

  Jackson leaned forward, curious. “Yes, I’m sure she will be waking up shortly. But you should know we are transferring her tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Why?” My foot slid off the chair and I tried not to look so worried. I needed to throw him off my trail. “I just made a friend in here. Someone my age. I don’t want her to leave.”

  Jackson seemed to believe me. “It seems our treatment methods are a little too mild. She’s become a bit of a liability right now, and I think you’ve seen why we’ve made our decision. We will send her off to seek a stronger course of action before she is brought back under our supervision.”

  He stood and motioned to the door, letting me know I could leave.

  I slid out of the chair, but paused. “Will I be able to say goodbye tomorrow?”

  Jackson nodded. “If she behaves herself.”

  I didn’t want to see his face anymore so I turned and walked out the door, trying not to make it look like I was hurrying. Back in the common room, Finnley was tucked away in her corner, rubbing her eyes furiously. Some of the purple hair dye had stained the collar of her shirt from the ends that were still wet. As I sat down, she looked up at me and smiled, but it was a fake happiness. Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks were stained with tears.

  “I’m sorry I took so long,” she said, biting the inside of her cheek. “They made me nap.”

  “You’ve been crying,” I replied, wanting so badly to reach out and brush the tear that rolled down her cheek. It was killing me not to touch her. I wanted to feel what I felt the last time I had done it, when I tucked her hair back behind her ear. That simple touch had sent some wonderful buzzing feeling flowing through me. I wanted to remember that, feel it, just one more time.

  “Yes, I have. When I nap, I die,” she said, trailing off as her hands fell over her stomach. I felt another image flash through my head.

  I watched Finnley dig the knife into her stomach, mimicking the movements of the man that stood by her side. But he fell, deep into a hole that came from me. I had tried to save Finnley, but I was too late. She looked up at me, but I couldn’t look at her face. Blue blood was spilling out of her stab wound as she pulled the knife out and dropped to the ground.

  “Are you okay?” Finnley had scooted closer to me, keeping her distance but leaning in with her head. She was trying to look at my face, but I knew what she was going to say.

  “Is my brain betraying my face?” I asked. She nodded as I frowned. “Then no, I’m not okay. I found out they are going to transfer you tomorrow.”

  Finnley leaned back against the wall and I watched her breathing pick up. She gripped at the neck of her shirt, pulling against the fabric as she struggled for air. She was having a panic attack, but I wasn’t allowed to touch her. I needed help, and though I didn’t want to get a monkey, I had no other choice. I started to push off the ground, but Finnley’s hand shot around my wrist.

  “Don’t,” she forced out, feeling along my wrist before her fingers pressed into me softly. She found my pulse, just like I used to do with my mom when I was younger, and slowed her breathing.

  We stayed crouched in the corner, hiding between the TV stand and bookcase. No one seemed to be watching us as I fell into another memory.

  Finnley yanked me to get me to face her just as I wiped blood from my nose.

  “I’m fine, C. It’s fine.” I was clearly lying to her. I was dizzy, but I still was more concerned with helping Finnley stand up.

  Wait, who was C?

  “I did that to you. Nate, I hurt you. How is that fine? I can’t control this and I hurt you.” Her voice faded out as she started shaking.

  “C, this wasn’t you. The Blue Star voices, I can’t explain it, but I think I was pulling them away from you.”

  I looked back up at Finnley. Her eyes were closed as she slowed her breathing. Somehow, I knew about the voices in her head, the ones she wanted back. But they had hurt her. They were forcing her to do things she didn’t want to do.

  Now I understood the friend Finnley was looking for. This was how I knew her. I could fill the hole in her head. I was the replacement for the voices.

  Finnley blinked and focused on me. She realized she was still holding on to my wrist and went to pull away, but I stopped her. She had held me with her left hand, the hand Madeline wanted me to look at. I let her palm slide over mine as her fingers started tracing an invisible shape on my hand. On the ring finger, there was an indent and a slight tan line where there could have been a ring at one point. Of course, in here they probably wouldn’t let her have anything that she could use to hurt herself or others.

  “Finnley, were you married to Aidan?”

  Asking that question felt wrong, but I still felt a heavy pang of jealousy run through my body.
Here I sat, remembering this girl who I knew and didn’t know at the same time, feeling a crazy strong buzz under her touch, and asking if she was married to someone else.

  She didn’t lift her fingers as she started to push my sleeve up. It was almost like she was looking for something. Was she remembering me too?

  “Nate, I’m not dating Aidan. I’m dating you.” She pulled her hand away immediately and threw it over her mouth. “I don’t know why I said that. My brain is betraying my mouth.” She hit her head with the heel of her palm. “The voices keep me from saying stupid things. I miss them, they made me smart.”

  “Finnley, are you remembering things?” My eyes were wide. I swear I had heard her say those words to me before. Not here, not in this place, but somehow I had heard those words before. “Finnley, I think I know you. I can’t explain it, but I need you to know I believe you. I look into those blue eyes of yours and it feels right. I think you have powers, and I think I do too.”

  Her fiery blue eyes were confused until I said powers, her jaw dropping. “You can say brain things. Brain things.” I could see the frustration building as she tried to speak.

  “Stop, stop. I know what you’re trying to say and I know you can’t say it. It’s okay, I believe you. I really do,” I said, trying to reassure her. I glanced around to make sure no one was watching before I reached out and slid my fingers through hers. That buzzing feeling came rushing back over me and I felt safe. I felt strong.

  “They’re transferring me because I don’t listen. I make trouble like touching you and stealing pens. I wish I could touch you, it feels right,” Finnley whispered, running her thumb over the back of my hand.

  “Finnley, I don’t think I just knew you. I think I loved you.” I hesitated as I looked at her shining blue eyes. The same blue as the stone in Jackson’s office. Why did Madeline say Finnley and I had the same eyes? I sighed. “Screw my brain, I’m listening to my heart. I still love you. I don’t know how, but I do. I’m remembering you and I love you.”

  She slid her fingers out of mine and curled her knees back into her chest. I felt sadness crash over me, crushing my heart and settling heavily on my throat. I was remembering her, but she couldn’t get it back like I could.

  “Please don’t be sad,” Finnley whispered through her knees, barely audible. “They were watching and I didn’t want to get you in trouble.” She peered up at me. “Why did you say my eyes were blue? They’re green.”

  I frowned. “Have you not looked in a mirror recently?”

  She shook her head. Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t gotten the chance either.

  “Are you really remembering me?” Finnley asked, resting her chin on top of her knees.

  I nodded. “But you don’t…”

  Finnley frowned and pulled her legs tighter. “I don’t know you.”

  I dropped my head down. She wasn’t going to know me, and that feeling crushed my soul.

  She reached over and tugged on my pants to get my attention. “But I believe you. I don’t remember, but I feel something. I’ve never trusted anything but my head. Now it’s empty, and I’ve lost things I can’t even remember. But screw my brain, I’m listening to my heart. The buzzing feeling I get when I touch you? That’s what I can trust.”

  Finnley smiled and I felt that energy without touching her. I could have stared at her for hours in that corner, but the nurse started calling for lunch. Finnley got up and waited for me to stand up and walk with her. Madeline watched us carefully from across the room as I followed Finnley into the cafeteria.

  38

  Finnley

  I went and sat at my usual table, watching Nate walk through the line to get food. They didn’t poison it when he went up there, but they poisoned mine. It was how they controlled me, so I took away their control. But that’s why I was being transferred. That was fine, though. I wouldn’t go out without a fight. I always fought because it was the only thing I had left.

  Nate said a few words to a new lunch lady. I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she hadn’t been there before today. Maybe there was a new staff so they could try different poisons on me. By the time Nate turned to bring food back, the worker was gone.

  He carried two trays back to our table and slid one in front of me. I poked at the sandwich, not really sure if I could handle more food. I hadn’t eaten in a few days before the oatmeal this morning, and that hadn’t set well in my stomach. Nate sighed and took a bite of his sandwich before trading with me.

  “Not poisoned. Very stale though, and dry,” he said, waiting for me to eat. I picked off a piece and forced myself to swallow their excuse of a lunch meat.

  “I want cereal,” I groaned, shoving another piece of sandwich down my throat. It was terrible, but I was weak and starving at this point.

  “I could bribe the lunch lady to get you a root beer float, but then I’m not sure we’d ever get fed again.”

  I could see him forcing himself to eat as well, somewhat lost in thought. He was remembering more of me.

  “You knew that was my favorite, didn’t you?” I asked, frowning as he nodded.

  “It’s hard not knowing everything about us and what we’ve missed, and I can’t imagine what this feels like to you. Twice now you’ve lost your memory.”

  “Twice?” I asked, coughing as I choked on the food. He cringed and tried to explain, but I shook my head. “There’s no point. It kills me that you’re remembering things about me, but I have no idea who you are. You feel familiar, but empty at the same time. That’s why I know what I’m going to become. I can see how Mads looks at me, and now how you look at me. I’m joining Skinny on that couch. That’s what happens when you get transferred.”

  I could see how hard Nate was fighting to not reach out across the table to take my hands. He saw them shaking, but there were too many eyes on us in here.

  “Finnley, there has to be something we can do,” he said, pushing his tray aside. “From what I can gather, and assuming we came in at the same time, we’ve been here a couple weeks.You must have seen something.”

  I shook my head. “Nate, I used to be smart, but not enough for this. They told me I’ve been in here for years, and I believed them. I’ve lost days, maybe longer, after they’ve poisoned me. I feel like I’ve only known you for two days in here but you say it’s been weeks. I don’t know what time is anymore.”

  I pushed the tray out of the way and rested my head on the table. “Nate, my head is missing, not just the voices, but everything else too. I’m gone. Finnley is empty.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Madeline watching me. I tried to force a smile, but she frowned and looked away. She probably knew what was going to happen to me when I left tomorrow. There really was nothing left.

  Suddenly, the buzzing feeling returned as Nate’s hand reached under the table and found my knee.

  “Finnley, you aren’t empty. I’m here now, and we can find a way to keep them from taking you.”

  His voice was so calming, and I slid my hand under the table to find his. Every time he touched me, I felt like I was so close to knowing him. That feeling that ran through me was safe and familiar and I wanted to know it, but everything about it was out of reach. And when I couldn’t touch him, I was just empty again. Hopeless.

  Nate had to pull his hand back as a monkey turned to look in our direction.

  I sighed. “They take me because I fight back. I always fight, but I never win, at least not for long. But I’ll fight tomorrow and always forever.” The words slid off my tongue before I really knew what I was saying. I could tell by Nate’s face that I said something he knew, and it hurt me that I hadn’t meant anything by it. I was trying, I wanted him to know that, but I didn’t know how. Nate was remembering someone I wasn’t, and something I would probably never be again. He’d get all of his memories back, and I was going to join Skinny on the couch.

  I stood up from the table and turned away. If I was going to end up like Skinny, it wasn’t my
nature to go down without a fight. But I wouldn’t drag Nate down with me. He didn’t deserve that. He deserved to remember all the good things; the things he was learning about me, not the empty thing I had become now. He could keep his good memories.

  “Finnley?” Nate asked, confused as to what I was doing.

  “Remember me, like I was. Whoever I was. Please, don’t remember me like this.”

  I didn’t turn around to look at him as I walked out of the cafeteria. And I didn’t stop. I knew what to do. I knew how to go down fighting, and I was going to take anything and everything with me.

  The common room was empty, just like I planned. I wasn’t intending on hurting anyone, except the mean nurse lady and the big monkey if they tried to stop me. Did that make me mean too? Probably, but who cared anymore. I was empty, and I was about to become nothing, so none of it mattered. I crouched over by the bookcase in my favorite corner.