by Nicky Jayne
When we reach the truck my back pocket vibrates, at first I pay no attention to it as I help her get in the truck, but just as soon as it ends it starts up again. Shutting the door behind her, I grab the damn device. Wiping away the drops that cover the screen, his name comes across, flashing at me like a beacon.
“Sir!” I retort.
I stand just outside the door, I watch her as she tries to read my expression. It’s not the phone call I wanted. We had only a few hours together, but just like that those few hours have turned to sheer minutes. A large lump lodges in my throat as I listen to his voice and my new departure time. I can’t look at her anymore, but she can read me like a book. Her face has dropped, that small cheery yet hesitant girl that once sat staring at me, replaced by a blank face.
“Yes, sir.”
Over and over I answer with that same phrase. It’s one of those phone calls where I don’t have to say anything more, much less have the chance or opportunity to. No matter what my head or my heart tells me, I’m bound by that damn dotted line, by that oath that I said so many years ago.
Turning away from her, I end the call and check my watch. I have less than an hour to get back to the base. My gear is already loaded in the back of the truck, so I don't need to stop anywhere, but now I have to do something with Riley. I can’t leave her here, but I feel that taking her with me will hurt her more than she needs right know. Regardless of her new feelings and her move on attitude, she still has a lot to work though and this may very well break her.
“Tanner,” she calls, from behind me when I walk slowly away from her. I didn't realize I was even doing it until her voice came.
I freeze to the spot and her feet crunch and crackle over the rocks below our feet. I wait for a bombardment of questions, but as the seconds pass they don’t come.
I turn to see a wide eyed young girl standing in front of me. Her eyes plead with me for answers and I just can’t find the words to say to her.
“You have to leave,” she whispers. Her head falls to the floor, her wet hair drops along her head making a curtain of darkness around her. My heart wrenches as I watch her.
“I'm sorry, Riley,” are the only words that I can speak as I walk towards her. The sight of her shoulders shaking makes me sick. I did this, I made her cry again. See, this is why I said no to start off with, she can’t live with this. Dammit, Tanner, how selfish can you be?
“When?” she questions.
“Now,” I say.
Her hands fly to her mouth like she’s going to be sick. I jump the small steps between us, pulling her close to me. Holding her won’t make this any better, but maybe it’ll show her nothing has changed. Regardless of my departure time, I’ll be coming back for her and I want her to wait for me.
“Wait for me?” I beg softly.
Her head nods in my chest. She’s gripping my shirt, pulling the collar down from my neck. I’m soaked through anyway and I can’t fly like this. I’ll have my ass chewed out the minute I arrive at the location.
Just as the thought passes through, I think of something. I need to change, and I need a reminder of her. Something that will show her I’ll be coming home to her. That no matter where I am, I’ll be able to hold onto just a piece of her.
“Come with me!” It’s not a request. Grabbing her hand in mine, I pull her slightly, breaking her from whatever trance she has herself in. Reaching into the back of the truck, I pull out one of my bags. My uniforms lay neatly folded just at the top and I pull one of the shirts out and throw it in to the front. Opening the passenger door, still holding her hand, I reach into the glove compartment, tossing paper and random things aside, I find a marker pen.
She looks puzzled with every movement I make. Signaling for her to sit in the truck, she does, perching on the side of the seat.
Letting go of her hand, I unbutton my shirt slowly. Removing the wet soiled material from my skin, I lift my tan shirt up over my head.
Right then a vacuum of air is sucked by me. Her mouth has dropped open, staring at my chest.
I keep my battle scars well hidden. A bullet pierced just below my left shoulder narrowly missing all the vital stuff, but even so, it’s a nasty scar. I have scars from scratches and knife marks all over my upper and lower abdomen. Some are still hidden, it seems that it’ll be a while before I expose those.
Sucking in the air that’s left around me, I bring my eyes slowly to her and she does a double take from my chest to my eyes. Her face has turned white. It’s obvious that she has no idea what to say, but with what I see on her face, she doesn't need to say a word.
Taking a step closer to her, I hand her the marker pen and place two fingers where my heart beats like a jack rabbit.
“Right here, Riley, this’s where you’ll be. No one will ever touch right here. No one has seen these scars. I don’t bare myself to people willingly, but I need you to know that right here, where my fingers rest belongs to you. Nothing will pierce here, other than you. Make your mark, baby girl.”
She reaches for it, but pulls back at the last second.
“I can’t, Tanner.”
“Yes, you can, baby girl. You belong here. Make your mark, I don’t have much time Riley, please!”
I beg and plead with her, pushing the pen closer to her, until finally she takes it, but she looks at me with wild eyes that are filled with tears again. I hate that I’m doing this to her. I have to make some sort of effort and this is the only way I know how. My scars define me. These scars are part of me and they remind me daily of how my life has changed. They remind of what has gone and what’s to come. She deserves to be among them. She deserves to be a part of what makes me.
Stepping just a little closer, her shaky hand reaches out for me. I can feel the point of the pen as it flows over my sensitive cold skin. I don’t dare look at what she’s doing, this is for her too and I’ll look at it when she’s done.
I can’t help but watch her though. The concentration that runs across her face makes me smile, the tip of her tongue sticks out slightly to the right while she draws. Laughing now would ruin the moment. Reign it in, Tanner.
She stops, stares at me and smiles back down at her mark. She takes a deep breath as she pulls away, I search her eyes hoping for permission to look at her art work. She smiles and gives me all the encouragement I need.
I suddenly feel nervous. Time is ticking away and I have to get moving, but this right here, this very second, is something that I can’t rush. I reach for her hands and I look down at my heart.
Drawn in the thickest black ink, a small heart lays on my skin, staining it from the outside in. Underneath are words, but they are just so small that I can’t see them from here. Letting go of her hands, I move around the side of the truck to see her artwork in the mirror.
I will wait for you. I will think of you always.
Sitting just under the heart. Tracing my fingers ever so gently over the letters careful not to smudge her fine handwriting. My heart skips a beat. A sudden rush of adrenaline surges through me while I stand there looking at her. Her eyes are lowered when I turn to look at her and a small tear drops from her face to the floor. Pushing the door out of the way, I grab her small body in my hands and I squeeze my bare chest against her.
“I will think of you, always. Remember me, Riley. I will come back for you. I promise. Do you understand?”
I don’t give her a chance to respond. Pressing myself against her, I claim her lips once more. We exchange what I pray will not be our last kiss and she falls from the truck, into me. Her hands work their way up my arms, tracing the lines of the scars that cover them. The kiss doesn't stop as she pushes me away from the truck. The cold air is snapping at my bare skin, but I don’t feel the cold. How could I, when she’s so close.
Her lips move from mine and her fingers take their place. I see something different in her eyes just before she turns and leaves. I stand still frozen in place, watching while she walks across the damp grass between our vehicles.
She doesn't look back, she doesn't falter in her steps. She’s doing what she knows is best for her. I feel it, too. I have somewhere to be. I need to get there, but being wrapped up in her is stopping me from getting there.
The sound of my phone dancing across the dash in the truck breaks me from my longing stare. Snapping back to the here and now, I grab my shirt off the seat pulling it over my damp body, careful not to tarnish the words that say so little but mean so much. My eyes still look for her, they still search her truck, but I don’t see her.
Again the irritating vibration pulls me away from watching her.
“I have to go, baby girl, but I’ll be back, I promise,” I sigh getting in and starting the truck.
The small dash clock reads 14:25. Dammit, I have to be on the line in twenty minutes. Doing what I know best, I slam my truck into gear and speed out of the street. Just as I pass the cemetery, I see her. She steps from the truck, her hand held high, waving me off.
It’s then, when I pass her, that in the blink of an eye, I realize there’s more to this girl than I ever thought. There’s more to how I feel about her. I’m in love with Riley Crass. I will come back to her.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Riley
After Tanner left, life seemed to change so fast, a whirlwind of sorts. My head seemed clearer. Those few short hours I spent with him made more sense to me than the last eight years. If anything, I’m grateful for having him in my life, regardless of how short a time it may be.
As promised, I went to see my mom. I was surprised by what I walked into. I stood in the doorway while she rifled in the trunk laid in front of her. I was already walking a fine line after watching Tanner leave earlier. The sight of her buried deep in his belongings just about pushed me over the edge. I’m not sure what really snapped in my mom, but whatever it was, it worked. I went to her after that day on the beach and she sat there staring into the fire, pleading with it for answers. As I got closer to her, the chest that held place in the back room for so many years was open: letters, items, clothes were placed neatly around her.
She clutched one of his dog tags like they were the only thing keeping her alive, but she turned and smiled at me when I got closer.
We sat there for hours, smiling, laughing, talking and crying. We finally went through his things. She changed after that. She became the mom I knew, the one I remembered before he was taken from us.
I told her about Tanner too, which sparked her curiosity. I didn’t tell her about my childish pact, though. The months passed by and we spent more and more time together. She seemed to relinquish some sort of hold on him. I didn’t know how much she had kept herself hidden until people started making comments, whether it be at Marcie’s, Mason’s or just out on the street. Anyone would’ve thought she walked around with horns growing out of her head. It’s almost like they feared her. Long gone was the woman who hid. The woman who I feared would snap at any minute and I’d be her target. No, she’s the woman I remember from all those years ago.
Over our weekly coffee date, a few months back, she said that she had decided to move back to Georgia. She justified her move by saying that she could never completely mend, heal-whatever you want to call it here. Everywhere she looked she saw him, even after all these years. Everything here reminded her of him. I have to admit that listening to her justify her move angered me. For a split second I felt abandoned. Why would she move away after all that we’ve been through, all that we’ve come to accomplish over the last few months, but when she sat and talked, her face lit up as she spoke of all the plans she had. Oh, my grandma will be pleased. I think she planned a full restoration of their house in a matter of minutes.
It’s been about five months since she left. She calls every day and if she doesn’t, she texts or emails me. The first couple of days after she left, her phone calls were filled with regret. She felt bad about leaving me behind, though it didn’t take long for that to pass. All it took was a kitchen overhaul and she was hooked. I miss her dearly, having her so close for so many years was a luxury one that I never fully indulged in. Both of us held ourselves back for so long, that eventually something had to break. For me, it was Tanner. He showed me everything that I was missing. He proved to me that there is life after death and most of all, that he loved me.
I’ve visited my dad a lot more recently. Just being as close to him as possible seems to help me, I’m finally coming to terms with what happened. I say a little prayer every time I’m there, asking him to watch over Tanner.
It’s been eight years today, so I’ll be heading that way today, as it’s his anniversary. I find it ironic that it took a younger version of him to pull me from whatever depressive state I’d been living in.
Grabbing my jacket off the back of the door, I head out. A small lady bug rock that I found in some flea market a few weeks back, tucked in my pocket. I pass by two dorm room doors that I’ve become so familiar with, but I have no idea who lives there now. Only weeks after Tanner left, Eloise moved in with her dad, something about him needing more care at home. He’s been struggling with his recovery. His movements are limited, but he swears daily that he’ll be back up and running the show again real soon.
I looked forward to seeing her every day, waiting for some news on Tanner, but as the weeks passed by she knew as much as me. Not that she would’ve told me anyway. She kept herself quiet around me for a couple of weeks, but I was ignorant back then as to why, but when I started helping out at Mason’s, we had a heart to heart. She blames me for her not being able to say goodbye to Tanner. I couldn’t apologize enough for that. I had no way of knowing that he hadn’t seen them. Her tone changed when about a month after he left, a large parcel showed up on her doorstep. What it contained, I have no idea, I didn’t ask. I didn’t even know who it was from till she came to my door holding a small brown envelope with my name written across the middle. Excited to open it, I stood there with her in front of me, ripping the top of the stiff envelope open. Not looking to see what was inside I tipped the contents into my hand. A flurry of yellow blossom fell from the envelope, a small plastic bottle fell to the floor, just as I caught the rolled up piece of paper. Wrapped around the scroll was a small chain with a dog tag. Running my finger over the small piece of metal, I felt a sudden rush of emotion.
Looking up at her, we stood in silence and a small smile crossed her face. A silent agreement, resolution, peace treaty- whatever you want to call it, was made that day. We hugged each other with a sisterly kind of love. We’ve never been closer than we’ve been since that day.
I miss her not being right down the hall, but I know where she is and she’s never too far away.
Down the stairs I go, two at a time, pushing the door open into the grounds. I search the parking lot for my new car, surprising I know, as my love for trucks had not faded. I want nothing more than a huge, V12 gas-guzzling, lion-roaring truck, but if I’m truthful, I can’t afford one right now. The decision wasn’t easy. It took a little while, but I finally decided to part with dad’s truck. She was on her last legs anyway and if I’m truly going to move on, then a brand new powder blue beetle will certainly help me do it.
Uncle Crass is not overly impressed. Apparently, it doesn't have the greatest safety ratings, but if he had his way I would be driving a damn armored tank. Pressing the self-start on my new car and I wait for the rumble, but there isn’t one. That’s definitely one of the things I miss most about not having a truck. In the back window is a small colored lady bug with ‘I will wait for you’ written underneath. Those small, seemingly insignificant words mean more to me than people will ever understand.
Swinging from my wing mirror hang two sets of dog tags. One set of my dad’s and a set of Tanner’s. I think back to the day when his tags fell into my hand. When I unrolled that small piece of paper with the sand held tightly in my right hand. My heart leapt. It jumped right out of my body. His words, the bold black words, were there staring back at me, each one having a precious meaning
to me.
Reaching for the tags, running the names under my finger-tips, I breathe, quoting his words.
I will remember you, I will dream of you, I will think of you. My heart is yours.
Tanner
Those small words meant more to me that day than any touch, any kiss, even seeing him. Because where ever he was at that very moment, he was thinking of me. I’ve read that small note so many times, over and over again, burning his words into my brain. So here they hang from my mirror, catching the sunlight whenever it shines. They’re my constant reminder of the two men that have laid claim to my heart.
Pushing her into reverse, I crank up the radio. Time to open up the windows and wake up the town.
Coming up on Marcie's place, she’s obviously seen me coming. A big-ass cheesy grin crosses her face and she waves at me franticly. She apparently loves the new me and well, I can’t lie. I do, too. I’ve cut my hair, and changed my wardrobe from a down and out college student to that of a go-getting kind of girl. I’m happier too and it shows.
The one thing that people have mentioned more and more over the months that have gone by, is that I smile more. Would they believe me if I told them the reason I do is because of him? It’s the strangest feeling. I’m a different person because of someone who I spent no more than eight hours total with. He triggered something inside me, he re-lit the fire that died long ago, and for that, I’m grateful. I can’t wait for him to come home, so that I can show him how grateful I am.
I only have a few short months left here. I do have a plan of attack, just in case Tanner doesn't come home before I graduate. Jake has said I can work at Mason’s and Marcie’s letting me use the room above the cafe. I have it all planned out. The only thing I don’t have worked out though, is where he and I will go when he gets back. The lack of letters has me worried that he may not have kept his word, but my heart has over-ruled my head every time. I just have to wait and see, but I can’t lie the waiting’s killing me. I know nothing’s happened to him, he’s out there somewhere and I just pray that he’s safe. I can’t dwell on his silence or it’d eat me alive. I have so much going for me now, I just have to keep looking forward.
