by Nicky Jayne
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Tanner
The flickering of the light above me is driving me insane. With every word I write, I have to stop as the light flicks off, making me lose my train of thought.
Looking over to the bunk beside me, the wall is littered with pictures of his family. I wish that I could do the same. What I wouldn’t give to have her face looking back at me every time I laid my head down.
Sitting in the dark, waiting for this damn light to come back on, I lay my hand over her mark and day-dream of her. I wonder what she’s doing now and whether she’s kept her promise. I have no reason to think otherwise, but still, it sits at the bottom of my stomach like a knot that won’t release.
“Sergeant?” I hear a voice call from just outside the door of my tent.
“Yes,” I call back.
“Your console is free.”
“Roger that,” I say and leap from the bed.
It seems like I’ve been waiting all day for my five minutes online. There’s a system when using our limited supply of computers, generally fathers and husbands go first.
No one knows about Riley, so I have not been added to that list as of yet. I’d hoped that it’d be something that I could remedy in the coming months, but I won’t hold my breath.
I have no way to contact her, so I won’t be using my screen time for the usual video call. No, I have to find a gift. The perfect gift for her, to show her just how much I’m thinking of her and how I can’t seem to get her off my mind.
I’d litter her with jewels, but she’s not that kind of girl. Over the last week I’ve looked and looked, but I just can’t seem to find something that will mean as much to her as she does to me. I won’t lie, I’ve looked into getting her a new truck, that old heap she was driving around in before I left won’t get her far. I found the perfect one too. 2013 Ford F150, Midnight blue, chrome on every edge, tuck away running boards. It sings of her, but I’d have to see it first, maybe take it for a spin.
Staring long and hard at the empty search engine box, I don’t know where to try today. Rubbing circles around my temples, trying to remind myself of something. It’s right there, at the edge of my consciousness, but it doesn’t want to show itself.
Magazines line the small desk, a wide variety. It’s really shocking to see, anyone would expect models, fitness style magazines, but no. Right in front of me is a Home and Gardens mag. I look around hoping no one is paying any attention to me and grab hold of the corner. Something’s caught my attention, and I need to see what.
Flicking through the pages, checking my six every couple of seconds, I find it. A yellow blossomed tree, running my finger under the small print, tracking down the name. I push it aside closing the pages while I type the name, of this thing. A lily tree. A freaking lily tree, I must be mad for even contemplating sending her a tree, maybe I should stick to the truck, or even a pair of earrings.
The search engine pops up over 13000 entries, clicking on the first one, the most brilliant shine of yellow comes across the screen. It’s then that I can see her, laying underneath, sitting in front of it. The two of us walking alongside it hand in hand.
A few clicks later and it’s on the way to her. There’s no doubt that this’s the craziest purchase I’ve ever made in my life and I don’t doubt that the truck would’ve been much easier, but this is something from my heart. I just hope that she gets it and understands the meaning.
Leaning back in the chair, I smile.
“Times up, buddy,” a deep voice barks behind me.
Snapping forward, I turn to see who it is. To say I’m a little annoyed by his interruption, would be an understatement, but when I turn around and look this figure up and down, I swallow hard. An eyes patch hangs over his left eye, his right arm’s slung over his shoulder. I wonder what the reaction to his face will be like on the other end of the line. I wonder why he hasn’t been sent home. He should be at home, spending time with his family and recuperating. Not here. It hurts to see him so badly beaten. I don’t know him, I can’t recall ever seeing his face before.
Standing, laying a hand on his shoulder, we stare at each other for only seconds, before I leave him with the parting words.
“Thank you.”
I’m not ignorant to what’s around me, I’m not the only one in this hell hole. We’re losing people every day and no matter how many times I see death, I’m always thrown sideways by it. How much more blood must be shed before this ends?
Stepping out of the small tent, I’m momentarily blinded by the light of the HH60 that’s landing just feet away from me. Another circles above, kicking up the dust around me. Lowering my glasses to keep the dust from my eyes, I head back to my bunk. That letter that has been burning through my brain and should be easier to write now.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Riley
The grounds are covered in leaves when I pull up to the cemetery. I’m grateful that I remembered to pack the brush this time. Reaching over, grabbing the small dust brush from the floor of the beetle, I get out, walking with a slight skip in my step. Being here’s not at all morbid like it once was. In a strange way, I’m glad to spend a few minutes or a few hours if I’m having a bad day talking to him. Obviously, he doesn't answer, but over the past couple of months, he’s come to me in my dreams. Just like he always said he would.
Brushing away the stray leaves, I run my fingers over his name. I smile. I won’t be here too long today. There’s one other place that I have to go.
“Hey, dad. Well, today’s the day. I miss you, so very much. You know that, right? I can’t be with you long today, but I’ll see you in my dreams, just like always. Watch over him for me, daddy. Please, bring that scarred boy home to me.”
I sit and talk to him for a little longer, giving him an update on mom and Uncle Crass. Rolling my eyes all judgmental like, I explain the situation with Annie. Lying back on the grass talking away, I look up and the dark clouds looming above me signal my time is up. I kiss my small cold fingers and lay them on top of his stone.
“Love you, daddy, see you in my dreams.”
Reaching my car just before the clouds erupt above me. I’ve been trying to stay out of the rain recently. Although, the last time I was caught in a rain storm, the almost amazing man walked into my life. It did absolutely nothing for my immune system though. I was sick for weeks. Annie told me I was lovesick, and well, if she knew the full story she would’ve been a little more persistent on her statement.
Driving along the seemingly quiet road, I pass by reminders of my life and think of how it used to be. My uncle’s old house sits just off to the right when I drive by. On any other day, I’d have pulled in and said hi, but he’s since gone and retired, living back in Georgia with Annie. It was actually quite the scandal. They left pretty fast, no one even knew why until about three months after they left. One of the great things about keeping to yourself, is that not very many people know your business, unless, of course, it’s been published by a local newspaper. So not many people knew that Annie and I are cousins. It sounds wrong, but I have to say now that I’m grateful for that.
Shortly after they left, Annie called and gave me the most surprising news. I always knew she was a wild child, but I never really thought that she’d make such a silly mistake.
Annie’s due any day now, she is having a little boy and she seems happy about it. I’ve promised to go and see her when she has the baby, but deep down, I don’t want to. Can I take the risk and leave?
Uncle Crass was furious of course, but my mom has taken her under her wing and it seems to have calmed things down considerably. I miss her craziness, though. When I pass the small bar that we once frequented, I remember stumbling out of there one crazy night after Tanner left. My wild side didn’t last long. I swear I’ll never drink hard liquor again. I’m happy for her, really I am, but I’d rather not be a part of that drama.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Under the Yellow blossom
T
anner
My body is worn. The fifteen hour flight has taken its toll on my already beaten body. My arm is slung over my right shoulder, I have numbed the pain with those meds the flight doc gave me, but I know full well they won’t last long.
We have one more stop and another five flying hours to go and I’ll be home. It’s been a long year, one that I’d rather forget. All I care about right now is getting home, seeing my dad, my sister and finding my girl. I haven’t been able to write to her in months. Well, that’s not true, I have written to her, but the letters never left my duffel. We went dark a few months back, so all communication was stopped. I can only imagine what she’s thinking right now. Does she think something happened? Does she think that I forgot about her? Because I’ll say this, the minute I find her, I plan on showing her just how much I’ve been thinking about her.
Leaning my head against the cargo net hanging in the belly of this giant beast, I succumb to sleep. I need to rest so that I can be ready for her. It’s been a long year and I have a year worth of her to catch up on.
******
Riley
The rain has let up, thank goodness. I really want to take a walk in the park, I want to lay my body under that tree and think.
I haven’t been there since Tanner left and right now, I have an overwhelming need to be close to him. Drumming my fingers along the steering wheel, I pull into the small lot. I see no other cars around, the weather has obviously kept them away.
The last time I was here I was hesitant, but not anymore. The two pairs of feet will always have a place here, but hopefully soon enough there will be another set of shoes sticking out from under that bent tree. Reaching over and pulling a small bundle of worn papers from my glove compartment, I lay a small kiss on them before I tuck them safely inside my bag. I can’t have him with me. I can’t hear his voice, so his words stained on those small pieces of paper will bring me to him.
Pulling the blanket off the back of my rear seat and bundling it up in my arms, I walk closer to my spot; our spot. I just can’t wait to share it with him. Will he think I’m crazy, will he just think this is another tree, a childish act maybe? I push that string of thoughts into the back of my mind where they belong. Positive thinking is what keeps him going in my head. Smiling and imagining his touch is what keeps his body alive to me.
******
Tanner
Damn the constant rambling coming from the back seat of the car. I missed out on a whole hell of a lot. I can’t lie, the thought of Annie having a child makes me shiver. I can’t imagine her being loving and soft to anyone, let alone a small child. I do hope deep down that Crass has her on a short leash.
I’ve asked a thousand times about Riley, but Eloise is being obtuse. She’s deliberately avoiding my questions. We pull into the driveway and there, sitting gleaming in the dull sunlight is my beast. Oh lord, you have no idea how badly I want to drive her right now.
Got to get rid of the baggage first and then I’m out.
******
Riley
Laying the blanket just under the tree, the yellow is so bright. I really must find out what this tree is. I don’t even know if it’s blossom at all and it’s totally the wrong time of the year for a tree to blossoming anyway. Whatever it is, they’re beautiful. They grasp the essence of the sun in such a small flower.
Laying my body down, I close my eyes. Not to sleep, but to soak in all the changes. All the memories of happier times and pushing for those that are hopefully, not so far away. Each week I find a new place to go and sit, just enjoying everything around me and to help myself relax. It’s worked well, not only have I found some of the prettiest parks around, but when I’m done I feel sated, relaxed and in control.
I stare down at my bag, which lays just beside me and sigh. My heart feels so whole and yet so very empty. A small, thin ribbon holds his letters together, his love, his words bundled before me. With one small pull, the ribbon releases and falls around my fingers. After the unexpected package from him, his letters came all about a month apart until the middle of the year, when they just stopped. I searched the mailbox for weeks, hoping and praying that they’d come, but nothing.
Over and over I’ve questioned why they haven’t come. I was blind, ignorant even. I’m well aware of why communication stops, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking the worst. So, these small letters in my hand are all I have of him for now and I cherish them.
When the letters came, so did his words, but as the months passed by, his words became scarcer. His writing changed and not for the better.
Pulling each small worn piece of paper from the safety of its envelope, I lay them in front of me, my eyes scanning each one.
December 12 2013
Riley,
This’s the first letter of many that I’ll write to you. I pray that you get it sooner, rather than later. I have kept my promise so far. I’m well, I’m surviving and I’ll be coming back to you. I don’t know when, but hopefully soon.
I can’t say much, but know this: I wish I was with you more than you’ll ever know. There’s so much evil in this world and I hope that you never have to witness it. I’ll do all that I can to protect you from the harsh bitter life that we live.
Every time I leave, every time I take a job, I put myself in a frame of mind that I have to succeed and complete it, for me. It’s not until just recently that I realized I have something much stronger to fight for. You. The memory of your face, your voice, your lips, brightens the very darkness that I’m forced to deal with daily.
Of all the scars I have on my body, yours is the most significant. It’s one that I’m not afraid to touch, the one that I’m not afraid to look upon.
Wait for me, think of me always.
From the bottom of my heart,
Tanner
February 14 2014
Riley,
Today is Valentine’s Day.
It doesn’t have the same effect on me this year as before. Every year that’s passed, it’s just been another day, but not this time.
Today I think of you. Today I wish I was with you, showering you with all the love that you deserve. I know that when you receive this, today will have come and gone. I hope that you got your gift.
I searched high and low for something that would show you how much I’m thinking of you. Roses didn’t say it, lilies would make you cry. No site gave me what I looked for, until one.
A memory came to me like the flashes of lightning that broke above our heads the first day we met. It sat there staring at me through the screen, its yellow so bright, so warming, so you. Take this Lily tree and bury it deep, watch it grow and think of me. One day, my love, I’ll sit beneath it with you.
Love,
Tanner
August 19th 2014
Riley,
I have written this letter a thousand times, but each time I put pen to paper, the words escape me.
Times are hard here. I wish you were with me. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. I don’t think I would, even if you were close.
I wonder if when you receive my letters, you expect happy words, words of encouragement. I’m sorry, baby girl. I wish-more than you can imagine, that I could do that for you, but right now, I don’t have the capability.
Please know that my feelings for you grow more and more intense every day. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and long to feel those soft lips of yours on my own.
Your heart is fading from my skin now, it’s been so long. That doesn't change me, that doesn't change us. Regardless of whether they’re tattooed to my skin or not, my feelings for you will never change.
Think of me, wait for me. Love me, Riley.
From the deepest depths of this damaged man, I love you, Riley.
Tanner
I press the letters close to my heart, praying that one day soon perhaps I can hold Tanner there, instead of his words.
******
Tanner
I stand, starin
g at my bruised body. A thin layer of clear wrap stretches across my chest, keeping the one scar that I willingly gave myself clean. My heart warms when I think about what her reaction will be when she sees that her words-her scar, is now permanent.
Pulling my shirt back over my head, I wince when a pain shoots through my arm. It hangs loosely at my side. It hurts like a motherfucker, but I’ve had worse. Pushing back the memory of how it happened, concentrating on getting out from under the watchful eye of Ellie and Dad is all I should be thinking of right now. I’ve paced the house like a wild cat for hours, every move I made watched and scrutinized by them. I can feel a burning pit of frustration rising up inside me. I’ve been away for so long, the need to get out and go on the hunt for Riley is intense, more than I can bear.
As I walk out of the bathroom, my eyes search the fogged up window in the hallway. My beast sits there, calling my name, waiting for me to drive her. When you’ve spent months in a sand box, it’s the smallest of things that excite you the most when you return.
“I have to go!” I call, to whoever’s listening.
I don’t hear any protests from the cold, empty living room. The keys hang just beside the door. Grasping them in my good hand, I smile while the cold metal cuts slightly into my hand when I squeeze them.
