Free to Love

by Sydell Voeller

  “Six o’clock. Same time as always.”

  Once corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile. “It was almost four-thirty in the afternoon when I found you yesterday, nearly drenched with rain and totally beside yourself.”

  “Yes, but that was my second run of the day,” she pointed out. She swallowed hard as she pushed aside a picture of the injured sea lion, then wondered why he’d asked about her running. He’d never indicated he was a runner too. Probably just curious, or filling their admittedly awkward parting with whatever first came to his mind.

  He took one step back and jammed his hands into his hip pockets. “Good night, Jo. See you tomorrow.”

  “’Night, Austin.” She’d planned to inform him she’d leave out some cash in an envelope on the kitchen counter in case he might need to buy new supplies. But somehow that had all paled now. Paled in the power of his piercing gaze, the backwash of his brief touch.

  “Sleep well,” she added, her throat suddenly dry. She turned slowly to insert her key in the lock. Two moths fluttered together beneath the porch light, then zigzagged away.

  “I will. You too.”

  ***

  Austin paced. He’d been pacing for close to an hour. Man, how he detested this lousy habit. He’d practically worn a threadbare patch back in his condo, mulling over his problems at the zoo. Would the grant moneys come through on time? Would this city official or that philanthropist approve his request for increased funding? And now here he was again. Pacing. Good thing this carpet was already shot. If he hadn’t sworn off cigarettes a few years back, he’d probably be sending up smoke signals right now too.

  “Look, little bro,” he ground out. “I’m doing what you asked, okay? I always knew you and Jo shared something special, something I could never quite understand, even if I was the marrying type. But it’s tough being here with her. Tougher than I’m sure either you or I expected.” He halted in his tracks, shrugged, and spread his hands wide.

  “Well, anyway, I don’t mean to sound as if I’m complaining, because I’m not really. You know I never break a promise, and I don’t intend to change now. You can count on me. Can you believe it, Kyle? She hasn’t even enjoyed a night out since... since, well, you know what.”

  He squared his jaw and swallowed hard before continuing. “You wouldn’t want that. I know you too well, little bro. You were always too concerned about the other guy more than Kyle Sullivan. That’s what got you into that mess in the first place, didn’t it? Rushing into that burning house to save those two little kids.” His voice broke, but he nevertheless ranted on. “So anyway, about tonight... I... I confess I had to bait Jo just a little. Oh, it’s not that I don’t share her interest in the beach cleanup. I do. But I couldn’t help thinking if I offered to help get the brochures out, I could help her out too. And right now, I’m afraid that’s what she needs the most.”

  His thoughts strayed back to how her eyes had looked that night. Eyes so trusting. Too trusting. No wonder his brother had fallen so hard for her. It was a surprise, really, some other guy hadn’t fallen too these past months. Yet it was obvious no one would’ve stood a prayer—not with the thick concrete walls Jo had built around herself.

  ***

  Joanna slept fitfully. A hazy stream of half-conscious thoughts spun like a Ferris wheel through her dreamless sleep: thoughts about tomorrow’s beach walk, worries about handling the barrage of questions that would undoubtedly accompany it, plans to call the print shop to order another couple hundred brochures.

  But intruding upon her restless thoughts were images of Austin and herself strolling in the misty moonlight on their way back from town. Each time that picture swam up in her mind, she’d awakened with a start, perplexed and guilt-ridden. Yes, it was all so confusing, and somehow not right. Not right for Austin, herself, nor Kyle’s memory. Even the sound of Silky’s throaty purr as she lay curled on the end of the bed failed to soothe Joanna as it usually did.

  When daylight finally poked its brightening gray fingers across the sky, she forced herself out of bed to don running shorts and a T-shirt. All she needed was an extra long run to clear her head, she told herself with a swift mental shake. A good workout should help.

  Soon she wended her way down the trail that led to the beach. Picking her way over driftwood and rocks, she approached the ribbon of compact sand that bordered the water’s edge.

  Early morning on the beach, before the usual crowds filtered in, marked her favorite time. Today the skies were crystal clear, splashed with rose-tinted peach to the east. Above the ridge of dark evergreens, the sun emerged, ushering in the promise of another pristine autumn day.

  She paused, then stretched out her muscles in a runner’s lunge and inhaled deeply. Yes, she’d run that extra mile or two, maybe more. Test her limits. Surely that’s all it would take to get her thoughts back in line.

  Facing south, she began sprinting. The morning breeze lifted her hair. The air rushed by her. Running faster, she felt the coolness expanding her lungs, the hypnotic rhythm of her footfall.

  Kyle, she thought. Why did you have to leave me? Why, when we were just beginning our lives together? How could fate have so abruptly cut off our plans? Sometimes she felt like holding up her fist and shaking it in anger. Crying over and over how it simply wasn’t fair. Yes, this past year she must’ve relived that scene in her mind a thousand times.

  And now there was Austin. When would she ever find peace? she wondered as she sidestepped a log that had washed in on the tide. Last night their leisurely walk home had nearly been her undoing.

  She ran the first mile, began the next. She felt the perspiration trickle down onto her sweatband. As she pressed on, her tormented thoughts turned to her younger sister.

  The past week Stacey had called several times. Apparently she’d fallen in love with an upperclassman, a really cool new man on campus, she’d said, who was in pre-law. But Stacey was also in a quandary. Was it possible to love two guys at once? she’d asked Joanna over and over. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t forget the guy she’d met the preceding summer, the one who lived an hour’s drive from campus and drove there nearly every weekend to be with her.

  Some wise big sister I am, Joanna told herself as she skirted past a solitary beachcomber, then a collie that was darting across the sand, barking. How could she pass on any solid advice when, in all honesty, she no longer understood the workings of her own heart?

  Oh, Austin. Why did I agree to let you stay?

  She kept on, pushing herself to the max. Yet by the time she’d come to the end of the beach and turned to go back, it was apparent there was no relief in sight.

  Her demons still plagued her.

  ***

  “Come in, Joanna.” Trudy Conner, willowy tall with soft ringlets of blond hair, motioned Joanna inside her office at the aquarium. “It’s high time I say thanks for taking over for me. What with soccer practice, music lessons, and gymnastics, I just couldn’t follow through as zone captain for the beach cleanup this year.” She angled a look at her desk calendar and added, “My gosh, is it really less than two weeks away?”

  “I’m more than happy to help,” Joanna answered as she sat down in a chair on the other side of the desk. “Last night when I got out the rest of the flyers in town, the response to the cleanup was encouraging.”

  “And how are the other preparations coming?”

  “Fine. A little while ago I left messages for the beach captains in this zone to contact me. The data cards and collection bags have just arrived, so I need to make sure everyone gets what they need. I also intend to check out all the beaches to get a better idea where the most debris is.”

  “Start with the campgrounds,” Trudy suggested. “It goes without saying that’s one of the high-use areas.”

  “Yes, and the public beach below my duplex too,” Joanna added. She went on to explain about the sea lion and the other marine wildlife at the rehab center. “If everyone visited there only once, I’m sure
the need for cleanups would be easily cut in half.”

  Trudy nodded in agreement as she tapped the end of a pen against the desk. “And I bet most people don’t realize that some of the compounds from plastic throwaways will last for hundreds of years, whether part of a landfill or floating on the ocean. In fact, I was just about to call a woman at the Marine Fisheries Service to discuss that. She’s putting together a special project to display here sometime next month.”

  Trudy had been the aquarium business manager for the past six years and the facility was flourishing. She appeared a true Super Mom, Joanna thought. A woman who could successfully juggle a career and motherhood.

  Today, less than an hour after opening, scores of tourists streamed into the modern L-shaped interior with its high slanted ceilings and expansive picture windows. Some stood gawking through thick windows at a pacific octopus undulating through the murky water while striped bass and copper rockfish flitted in and out of mock pilings. Other visitors examined tidal pool displays where red, purple, and green sea anemones flourished like translucent spiny flowers. On the outer edges of the pools, barnacles clung to rocks and sea lettuce and kelp provided a lush, green carpet.

  In a direct line from Trudy’s office stood the “handling tank.” Children huddled about it, turning over a spiny red-orange starfish as they peered at its cuplike tentacles.

  “So what’s the final tally on the number of campers who’ve signed up for the beach walk?” Joanna asked, her thoughts turning to her first major assignment of the day.

  “Last check, about—” A sudden exclamation of protest from one of the children sliced through her next words. “Kids!” Trudy said, shaking her head and grinning.

  Joanna followed Trudy’s gaze through the opened door where two girls and a boy were engaged in obvious disagreement over who should first hold the starfish. A young mother with a toddler in tow attempted to referee.

  “Brother and sisters, no doubt,” Trudy said with a laugh. “At least judging from the way they’re arguing, I assume that’s the case.”

  “Typical growing pains, I guess,” Joanna supplied.

  “Yes they remind me so much of my own kids. Enemies one minute. Long-lost friends the next. But believe me, they’re the light of my life.” She gestured towards a brass-framed photo on the corner of her desk. Three cherubic-faced children smiled back, posed in stair-step fashion.

  “Oh, my...” Joanna breathed. “All sunny smiles and blond curls, just like yours.”

  “Yes, but if you think they’re beautiful, you should see my husband, Grant. I think the kids get more of their looks from him than me.”

  The sound of contentment in Trudy’s voice made Joanna’s heart turn over. Once she’d thought she could have all that too. But now it would never happen.

  Trudy glanced down at Joanna’s engagement ring topped by a silver wedding band. The diamond flashed, catching a beam of sunlight. “Do you have children, Joanna?”

  “Uh. No.” Suddenly self-conscious, Joanna twisted the rings back and forth. “More than anything, I wish I did,” she added. After a moment’s hesitation, Joanna went on to explain about Kyle.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Trudy murmured. “Such a tragedy. Such a horrible story.” She attempted a feeble smile. “I... I didn’t mean to pry, Joanna. I just noticed your ring and thought maybe—”

  “No need to apologize,” Joanna broke in, squaring her shoulders and looking away. “No need at all. I’m getting along just fine now.” She felt a lump tighten at the base of her throat as that sense of loss threatened to overtake her again.

  But deep inside a new awareness gnawed. It’s been almost a year, Joanna. Maybe it’s time to take the rings off.

  ***

  That evening, Joanna found Austin pounding nails into the front porch where he was replacing several rotted boards. “There’s more stuff going on in town tonight,” he reminded her, putting his hammer inside his toolbox. “Would you like to go back, maybe check out the street dance near the boardwalk?” He flashed her a devilish grin and added, “I might even be able to help you find some good-looking bachelor.”

  “I already told you. I’m not interested in meeting another man.”

  “You can’t go on like this forever, Jo. You’re young. And very attractive. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

  “I don’t intend to,” she stammered. “It’s just that... that the time’s not quite right yet. And I have to take care of some other things first... and then, it might still be a long, long time.” Something deep inside stabbed at her as her gaze dropped momentarily to her wedding rings. “Besides, we’re out of flyers,” she added in a rush, lifting her eyes again. “So there’s really no point in going back into town. The printer said he can’t fill my order for more until sometime next week.”

  “Suit yourself.” He shrugged.

  Joanna took in Austin’s furrowed brow, the disappointed look in his warm brown eyes. Poor guy, she thought. He’s probably bored silly. Imagine, someone from an exciting, sophisticated metropolis like San Francisco, wanting to go two nights in a row to a homespun kite festival in a quaint little coastal town.

  “I have a portable television in the guest bedroom,” she offered. “If you’d like to take it to your side, please do. It’s an extra, and I won’t need it.” She was tempted now to invite him to spend the evening with her watching a movie on TV or listening to compact discs, but she didn’t. Their romantic evening last night had proved a big mistake.

  Besides, she needed plenty of space tonight. Time alone. Yes, tonight was the night. If she didn’t take off her wedding rings while she still had the nerve, she might change her mind. “I have a better idea. How about taking in a flick at the cinema down the highway?”

  “No thanks. I really should turn in early.”

  “All right. Then I’ll settle for the television.” He jerked his head to one side. “I’ll go get it right now.”

  A few minutes later, she held open the front door and watched him leave, carrying the television across the lawn. “Good-night,” she called, struggling to keep her voice even.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  Shutting the door, she bit her lip and heaved a sigh. Yes, tomorrow. Tomorrow would be a brand new day. But right now she had all she could do to deal with the remainder of tonight.

  She wandered into her bedroom and switched on the wall lamp near the doorway. Soft light flooded the room. On top of the bureau was her burgundy velvet jewelry box.

  Kyle. Her gaze drifted to his photo next to it. His image smiled back at her, the smile that always flashed in her mind whenever she thought about him. She must’ve had a dozen or more pictures of Kyle situated around the duplex, she thought with a pang. But this one had always been her favorite. Balling her hands into fists, she pulled her eyes away.

  Through the bedroom walls, from the other side, she heard the muffled tones of the television. Cheerful sounds. A sitcom, perhaps. Canned laughter.

  Slowly she lifted the lid of the jewelry box. In the uppermost compartment, nestled in the plush layer of velvet was the simple gold band she’d given Kyle on their wedding day. Seeing it, her heart seemed to turn inside out. What was she doing, taking off her rings too? she wondered desperately. Was she turning her back on everything that they’d shared? The good times, and sometimes not so good? Their hopes and dreams? Their plans for the future?

  “Oh, Kyle,” she murmured, tears springing to her eyes. “You do understand, don’t you? This... this is something I’ve put off, but now I must do it. The time is right. But please know, I’ll cherish your memory always. I’ll always love you.”

  She swallowed hard. It felt as if an ice cube was lodged in the throat. The tears fell, one after the next, tracking salty trails down her cheeks as she twisted the rings over her knuckles and then slipped them completely off.

  In the lamp light, the diamond sparkled, flashing prisms of light. She traced her finger over it, then for a moment held it up to her lips.
Blinking rapidly, hands trembling, she placed it in the jewelry box next to the gold band, shut the lid, then turned and walked away.

  Through the bedroom walls, she could still hear the sounds of canned laughter.

  Chapter Four

  “Finally,” Austin muttered. He lay braced on one elbow, legs sprawled as he studied the pipes beneath the kitchen sink.

  “What’s going on?” Joanna plunked down a bag of groceries on the counter and grinned at him. Faint wisps of hair poked out from both sides of her French braid, giving her a pleasantly disheveled appearance. It had been blustery, though sunny, at Two Capes State Park and today’s beach walk had lasted longer than usual.

  “A piece of pipe broke off inside a fitting,” he answered. “I got it out just before you walked in. Now all I have to do is replace the pipe itself.”

  “Anything I can do to help?”

  “Yeah. Hand me the wrench and flashlight, please. They’re right there in the bottom of my toolbox.”

  She squatted, sorting through the tools, then handed over what he needed.

  “You might also park yourself close by,” he said. “This could take a while.”

  A little more than two weeks had passed since Austin had arrived. By now, helping him had become second nature to her.

  She sat down on the floor, cross-legged, and slipped her left hand into the pocket of her denim jacket. How bare and exposed her hand felt, she thought again, for what seemed like the hundredth time. If Austin had noticed that she was no longer wearing her rings, he’d given no indication.

  His face lined with concentration, Austin snapped on the flashlight and beamed it onto the pipes and fittings.