Free to Love

by Sydell Voeller

  She had to look away. Her pulse was racing much too fast. Her hands trembled as she refocused her attention on the struggling murre and started to scrub a little faster.

  “You feeling okay, Ms. Sullivan?” Derek’s voice penetrated her shock and confusion. “You don’t look so good.”

  “I... I’m just tired. I guess... guess maybe I need some sleep.”

  “Yeah, we all do.”

  Why had Austin returned, she wondered, then decided he’d most likely heard about the oil spill on his Jeep radio and driven immediately back. But most of all, why had he come here? Why couldn’t he have chosen one of the other treatment centers instead? Goodness only knew, all three were desperate for skilled veterinarians. It was going to be next to impossible—no utterly impossible having to keep her composure with Austin Sullivan sticking so close by.

  A short time later, after the murre was thoroughly rinsed and dried, Joanna wandered into the employees’ lounge, where ladies from the community were serving hot beverages, fruit punch, and doughnuts.

  She needed to get away for a moment. Away where she wouldn’t have to hear Austin’s voice, where she wouldn’t have to fight the temptation to steal just one more look at him.

  Joanna helped herself to a cup of strong coffee and sipped it gratefully. Though volunteers filtered in and out, drinking from paper cups and chatting as if attending a church social, the tension beneath their smiles was all too apparent. More seabirds were arriving with each passing hour.

  “I fed your cat.”

  Joanna lifted her gaze. Austin was standing only inches away.

  “What?”

  “I said I fed your cat. I stopped by the duplex first... and noticed yesterday’s and this morning’s Sea-scroll on our...uh... your front porch, so I thought I’d better go inside to check on Silky.”

  “Thanks,” she said tightly. She suddenly remembered he’d never returned his key. “But rest assured, I didn’t forget my personal obligations,” she went on. “The next-door neighbor agreed to make sure Silky had plenty of food and fresh water in case I couldn’t get home often enough to take care of that. And Lucille’s back now to look in on Aunt Marcella.”

  He hesitated, then said gruffly, “I wasn’t inferring you were ignoring your responsibilities. But right now I think you’d better go home and hit the sack. I bet you’ve been up all night. You look exhausted.”

  “You don’t look so hot yourself.”

  “I suppose not. I drove straight through.” He lowered his voice. “I’ll explain everything to Ted. Tell him it was my idea you take off.”

  “I can’t go home. There’s too much work to do.”

  His gaze was steady, unwavering. “It’s not good, Jo, you pushing yourself this way.”

  She struggled to keep her temper at bay. Who was he to show up like this again, totally unannounced, then tell her how to run her life? His responsibility for her was done. Over.

  “Tell me something,” she said, changing the subject. “Exactly why did you come back? Was it your underlying sense of duty, Austin?”

  He flinched, then wrenched his eyes from hers. “Isn’t that what you wanted? For me to get involved with the rescue efforts too?”

  “Of course. But that depends on the reason behind it. In other words, don’t do me any favors.” She folded her arms across her chest, silently challenging him to look at her again.

  He did.

  “I came, Joanna, because I knew I was needed. It’s that simple.”

  “Ah, so like you. But is that the sum of your well-ordered life? Austin Sullivan, the good guy. Everyone’s hero.” The spite she heard in her voice surprised her. Maybe she was more exhausted than she realized. Or maybe she loved him far too much. More than she could ever admit to herself—or him.

  “And getting back to your pointing out what’s good for me,” she hurried on, giving full vent to her anger, “there’s no need! You’ve fulfilled your promise to your little brother. His merry widow is finally safe and secure. From now on, you can jolly well wipe her from your mind and conscience.”

  His eyes suddenly sparked with... with what? Anger? Confusion? Regret? Certainly not love.

  “Look,” he ground out. “We need to get this settled.” He glance first left, then right. “Let’s go outside.” He yanked at the top button of his shirt collar, and it popped off. “Besides, it’s getting too blasted hot.”

  “If you intend to rope me into another one of your talks, forget it. How can you deny it?” He squared his jaw, then impaled her with his magnetic gaze. “Come on. My Jeep’s in the parking lot.” Clasping her hand in his, he led the way.

  A rush of cool air assaulted her as they hurried outside.

  “This is ridiculous, Austin!” she protested. He swung open the passenger door and waited while she climbed inside. “We said good-bye two nights ago.”

  “I think we have more to say than simply good-bye.” He slammed the Jeep door, then stalked around to his side and slid in.

  “Like what?”

  “Like what’s eating you? Why are you angry with me? I was only doing what Kyle asked. Wouldn’t you do the same for your little sister?”

  She couldn’t bear to look at him. Tears of humiliation and hurt were flowing too fast. How could she face him and admit she’d fallen in love with him? It was impossible—and foolhardy.

  “Of course, I’d help Stacey,” she said between sobs. “But that’s different. A whole lot different.” Getting a hold of herself, she continued in a torrent of breathless words. “I’m not sure exactly what you plan to do now or how long you intend to stay. But I think it’d be best if we don’t see each other—except, of course, for the unavoidable times here.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying, Jo. You’re exhausted. Wiped out. You’ll regret this later, believe me.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  “Joanna.” The edge in his voice had softened. “Please! Please don’t do this.” He lifted her chin in one palm, his eyes imploring. Softly he grazed her cheek with his other hand, then wiped away the moisture. Pressing her hand to his lips, he held it there for an immeasurable moment.

  New tears fell, bittersweet, splashing onto his hand.

  “Let me go!” She pulled away, then shoved open the Jeep door and dashed back inside Anchorhold.

  She couldn’t allow him to keep playing with her heart this way. It was already shattered into too many pieces.

  Chapter Ten

  “Damn!” Austin slammed a fist against the steering wheel as he listened to Joanna’s footsteps fade away. What was it about this woman that made her so right, so totally irresistible?

  After what had just happened, he should be furious, feeling put down.

  But he wasn’t. And he doubted if he ever could feel that way. No... not about Joanna.

  These past four weeks with her had been a whole lot of heaven and a little bit of hell. It was downright scary, the way she was getting to him him—and now it was worse than ever. But why? It didn’t make sense. Had he been kidding himself when he said the only reason he’d come back was because of the oil spill?

  He stared uncomprehendingly into the early morning light. She certainly wasn’t the first female he’d enjoyed kissing, holding in his arms, spending time with. But she just could be the last.

  Wait—that was ludicrous! What was coming over him? Permanent commitments were sticky business. Something he’d always made certain to avoid. Besides, there was no way they could ever patch things up. She was too wounded. Perhaps even feeling betrayed. But why? Why did his motives matter to her so? Could she have fallen in love with him?

  Did he love her?

  A Suburban turned into the lot and parked a few spaces down as his thoughts churned on. Whatever was beneath all this, he’d better get control of himself. Fast. This wasn’t like him, allowing his emotions to turn to mush—especially over a woman.

  Kyle’s woman.

  Raking a hand through his hair, he climbed out of the
Jeep and gave the door a hard slam. Time to get back to work, he told himself, peering again at the Suburban, where workers were unloading several dozen more birds.

  Yes, that was the answer. He’d have to keep busy. Throw himself back into the rescue efforts. And by the looks of things, he quickly decided, that wouldn’t be too difficult.

  ***

  Three weeks passed, and the birds continued to pour in, till finally by the fourth week, the numbers had begun to dwindle.

  “Unfortunately, only time will tell the full outcome of the spill on the birds’ total populations,” Joanna explained to a new group of students who had turned out to help at Anchorhold. “Seabirds that came in contact with just small amounts of oil may still succumb after they’ve preened and digested it. Breeding patterns may be seriously altered also. But I’ve been amazed at the fortitude of those that have survived.”

  Wide-eyed, they’d nodded their agreement.

  There’d been so much work at Anchorhold to occupy Joanna’s energy and time, she’d somehow managed to get through in spite of Austin. Yet as her spirits sank lower with each passing day, her hurt and confusion remained open and raw.

  During this interim, she saw little of Austin. He rotated shifts among all three treatment centers and always slept over at Ted and Helen’s. Still, she couldn’t escape those occasions when their paths did cross—the shared fleeting glances, eyes meeting eyes in a highly charged current of unspoken tension.

  Funny thing, she found herself thinking during her more rare moments of quiet reflection. Strange how life sometimes turns out—in this case, one might even call it a paradox.

  In the beginning, when Austin first arrived, she’d yearned for this—yearned for him to share her passion for preserving the Earth, the wildlife, the beaches. What good now were common interests and goals when a future between them could never be?

  Yet despite her unhappiness, Joanna was deeply touched at the tremendous outpouring of caring and love from so many people. There’d been those who had combed the beaches with painstaking deliberateness, the volunteers who had labored long hours at the treatment centers, plus the community members who’d continued to provide warm food and words of encouragement. Good-hearted people had come from both near and far.

  “It’s incredible,” Joanna said to Trudy during a brief phone call to bring her up to date. “Though we’ve managed to save and release less than half of the birds brought in, it gives me so much hope to see the way the people have rallied.”

  “That’s right,” Trudy agreed. “I’m hearing similar comments here at the aquarium. It might be a cliché about the silver lining around each dark cloud,” she went on, “but I think that’s the best way of summing this all up. Though the oil spill was certainly a catastrophe, the human response to it made all the difference.”

  “Exactly.” Joanna’s voice caught. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Unexpectedly, her thoughts rolled back to Austin. She couldn’t help wondering whether Trudy had heard about his return and especially what had happened between them.

  Did Trudy still believe their dark cloud was lined in silver?

  ***

  “So what’s it gonna be, pal?” Ted Ashelman asked Austin, giving him a long, hard look. “Made up your mind yet?”

  “About what?” Austin asked evasively.

  “You know what. You gonna take me up on my offer? Sign on as my partner here at Anchorhold ?”

  The two veterinarians were loading up a pickup with gray and white horned grebes. All morning long, they’d been hard at work as they’d prepared for the release of the remaining birds.

  “I haven’t made up my mind yet, Ted. It’s a tough call.”

  “Listen. Life’s full of tough decisions. And you’re gonna have to quit dillydallying. Didn’t you say you’re due back at the zoo in three short days?”

  Austin latched the door closed on a plywood-sided pen, hefted it into the pickup, all the while avoiding the older man’s eyes. “Yes. Three more days,” he answered. “This means I should probably be taking off tomorrow.”

  “And that’s what you want?”

  “I... I already told you, Ashelman. I still don’t know.”

  Ted hitched himself on to the tailgate of the pickup and looked directly at Austin. “So what’s it gonna take to bring you to your senses? A swift kick in your indecisive rear? I think you do know. You just don’t want to face it, pal. The real problem is you and your little lady, isn’t it?”

  Austin swallowed hard as he took three steps back. His voice hardened. “Joanna’s not mine! She’s my brother’s wife.”

  “Your brother’s dead, Austin. Dead and buried. You’re not.”

  “We’ve already been over that,” Austin snapped. “You—of all people—should know I’m finally getting it together again.”

  “True, but you haven’t licked it entirely, pal. Not till you face the facts about Joanna Sullivan.”

  “What facts?”

  “She’s no longer your sister-in-law. And you love her.”

  “Oh? What makes you so sure?”

  “It’s written all over your face. I might be an old man, Sullivan, but I’m not blind.”

  “All right. Say no more. So you can see right through me.” Austin released a long sigh, then spread his hands wide. “I do love Joana. I care for her more than I ever thought possible.” He paused to give a rueful laugh. “Pretty sorry state for a confirmed bachelor like me, right?”

  “Many a confirmed bachelor ended up changing his mind.” Ted’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “I ought to know. I was one of them.”

  “So what should I do?” Austin asked. He shoved his hands into his hip pockets, his shoulders slumped.

  “Do you love her enough to marry her?”

  “Yes—if she’ll only have me.”

  “Then you’d better get busy, pal. Your time’s running out.”

  ***

  Joanna parked the navy blue van, marked with the Southport Aquarium logo, onto a dirt strip below an embankment that was overgrown with wild grass.

  Kerawk! Kerawk! Came the raucous sounds of the murres from the back of the van, where the seats had been temporarily taken out to make room for three dozen pens.

  “Hold on, guys,” Joanna said with a laugh. “It won’t be long now.”

  Today she promised Ted she’d help with the release of the remaining birds. Since vehicles were limited, now that most of the volunteers had stopped coming, Trudy had suggested she take one of the vans that belonged to the aquarium.

  Ted and Austin would soon be coming also in a pickup filled with grebes. The release site, Pomroy Point, was a well-protected estuary about sixty miles from Southport. State wildlife officials had determined it suitable because of its combined rocky shoreline, sandy beaches, and tidal mud flats, plus the probability that reoiling would not occur there.

  Joanna flung open the van door and stepped outside. Hands on her hips, she stretched her back after the hour-long drive. A brisk wind teased her hair, whipping a strand across her forehead.

  She exhaled slowly and thought, this is it. Tomorrow at this time Austin would most likely be gone. This time permanently. And as for her, she’d be back at the aquarium, glad to be there again, but nevertheless living out each lonely day at a time.

  Whatever—she gave a quick shrug—it didn’t matter anymore. Most likely she’d never see him again, especially after those hasty words she’d hurled at him when he’d returned to Anchorhold. The memory haunted her, leaving her filled with pain and regret. Now her cheeks burned as she realized anew he hadn’t deserved that. At least, not all of it...

  How was he to know she’d fallen in love with him? After all, she’d never told him. Without a doubt their kisses, their embraces, had meant nothing more to him than the heat of the moment. What else could she expect from a gorgeous man like Austin Sullivan, a man so vibrantly alive, a man so virile?

  Kerawk! Kerawk! The murres’ squawks sliced through her reverie,
jolting her back.

  “All right. I’m coming!” Her mouth lifted in a half smile. The small pens weren’t heavy. She anticipated little difficult in lifting them from the rear of the van and carrying them to the release site. So why wait for Ted and Austin to arrive? These birds were eager and restless. They were wonderful, wild things. Meant to be flying again. Meant to be free.

  She carried one pen after the other over the narrow trail that bisected the knoll. Beyond lay the tide flat where beams of sunlight skittered off the glistening expanse of sand, mud, and gravel. To her right rose a rocky ridgeline, hugging the northernmost shore of the estuary. This would undoubtedly become the murres’ next nesting spot, she thought.

  Eyes moist with tears, her heart full, she released the first murre, then the next, and the next. Squawks punctuated the sound of flapping wings. At last the murres were all pressing skyward, brownish-black specks against the azure blue.

  “Go, little ones,” she said softly, one arm lifted in farewell. “You’ve fought hard for this. Now go.”

  Transfixed, she stood watching... for exactly how long, she wasn’t sure. She longed to savor the moment forever, inscribe its significance in the most secret places of her soul.

  “Jo.” The sound was nearly a whisper.

  Austin.

  She turned to face him squarely, then looked around. “Where’s Ted?” she asked, feigning nonchalance.

  “I... I told him I wanted to come by myself. There weren’t as many grebes as we first expected, so I said I could handle it. Actually I already released them at the other end of the bay.” He swallowed hard as his eyes riveted others. “Bottom line is, I knew you’d be here alone too.”

  “I... I’ve turned loose the last of the murres,” she said, blinking rapidly.

  “I know. I was watching.” His gaze was soulful and haunted.

  “So... so I suppose you’re almost ready to go again,” she said in a rush.

  “That’s what we need to talk about.”

  “Oh?”

  “I’ve been doing some heavy duty thinking about you... about me. I don’t want to go back to California, Jo. But the only hope I could ever have of staying here is if I can somehow make you understand.” She saw a muscle in his neck tighten. A hopeful look flashed in his dark eyes, then faded. “But I’m sure you’re still so angry with me, so completely ticked off, there’s no way.”