Seeking Redemption

by Kylie Hillman

  “Have you seen Benji shoot up?”

  I answer this question as honestly as I can without incriminating myself.

  “Yes. I’ve seen it.”

  Closing her eyes, she rests her head back against the building. I watch her reaction closely. Her bottom lip trembles, and she swallows hard before pressing her lips together in a tight line. Damn it, she’s trying not to cry. My conscience kicks up a fuss, reminding me that the pain she’s struggling with now—on top of everything else going on in her life—is on my head. I haven’t just seen Benji shoot up. I’ve tied off his bicep and injected him myself.

  “I’m really sorry. I should’ve told you.”

  After visibly shaking herself, her eyes reopen and she stares at me. Her eyebrows draw together and she squints at me as if she’s never seen me before.

  “You think?” she sounds incredulous. “You’re supposed to be my best friend. I’ve told you so many times how worried I am about Benji and you choose to get high with him and keep it from me. You watched him inject himself and you kept it a secret. All to cover your own ass. If that’s what you do to your friends, I’d hate to know how you treat your enemies.”

  I stay silent, motionless, my head bowed.

  What can I say? How can I defend myself?

  She’s right. I’ve let her down in the worst way and, in my heart of hearts, I know I’ll continue to let her down. I have a baggie stashed in my bedroom at home that’s calling my name. The first opportunity I get; I’ll be shooting it into my veins. Whether Benji’s there or not. No matter that I’ve promised Maddi I won’t do it anymore.

  Lost in my self-castigation, I don’t hear her ultimatum until she repeats it.

  “Lacey. I said that I’ll talk to JJ if you promise me three things...”

  Lifting my head from where I’ve been staring into my lap, I meet her angry eyes.

  “What things?”

  “One. You stay the hell away from Benji. That means that you don’t get high together, that you stop having sex with him, and that you tell me straightaway if you see that he’s high or even thinking about getting that way. I don’t care how much comfort you gave him in the bar just before, you two together are toxic.”

  I nod. I have zero grounds to argue her point.

  “Two. You have to stop using. If I get even the smallest inkling that you’re high or have been, I’ll give JJ the okay to report you to the hospital.”

  As with her earlier ultimatum, I concede immediately. Maddi has me over the barrel and I have to agree if I want to keep my job.

  “I can do that. What’s the third condition?” I ask, my acquiescence clear in my voice before she’s voiced her final bargaining chip.

  “The third condition is that you tell me and Timber who Benji’s dealer is so the Shamrocks can end them. I’m assuming that you get the stuff from Benji since you only use with him.”

  My heart drops into the pit of my stomach. Out of all the stipulations she could’ve made, this happens to be the one I can’t meet.

  Not without getting both of us killed.

  “I don’t know who his dealer is.” I hedge, trying my hardest to make my answer sound as sincere as possible. “Benji’s never said.”

  “Then you’d better find out very soon.”

  Shrewd eyes meet mine, and I realize that I’ve been played. Maddi doesn’t care if I’m lying about knowing or if I genuinely don’t know. She’s maneuvered me so that, either way, I’ll have to tell her soon. That is, if I want to keep my job and my house.

  Shit. Benji and I share a dealer. We always have. Even before we knew the other used, we were set on our path to destruction by the same person.

  Connor.

  And where did Connor get his supply from?

  Where did Benji and I continue to get our drugs from after Connor’s disappearance?

  The Mavericks of Mayhem.

  Connor, Shadow, Sherri, and the other brothers involved in the attempted hostile patch-over of the Shamrocks aren’t the only traitors to the MC.

  Benji and I are just as guilty.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  LACEY

  Present Day

  “We need to talk.”

  After checking that the coast is clear, I grab Benji by the arm as he passes me on his way back into the bar. I whisper my message in his ear and wait for his answer.

  “Meet me in the workshop at about three.”

  Winking at me in his typical cheeky way once I’ve nodded in agreement, he moves around me; Dane the Prospect hot on his heels. I watch him go, taking note of the bucket and wet cloths he’s clutching in his good hand. It looks like his time as a prospect has commenced already, regardless of his discharge from the hospital only hours ago.

  When he stops to chat with one of the younger Old Ladies, one who has made her interest in Benji well known despite the danger of her crazy Old Man finding out, a strange empty feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. His intense blue eyes light up as she laughs at what he said and he winks at her comeback, a carbon copy of the wink he bestowed on me just moments earlier.

  For the second time today, my heart cracks in my chest. The pieces left by Connor are in danger of being shattered by Benji if I don’t get my head together and deal with my growing feelings for him.

  I will not give another man the power to break me.

  “I told you he’ll hurt you.” Kid brings me out of my own head with his snide comment.

  Spinning to face him, I reassess my opinion that he’s being snide when I take in his expression. Sympathy shines in his eyes, and the half smile he gives me as he looks down at me makes me want to burst into tears.

  “You most certainly did,” I concede in a quiet voice.

  We stand side-by-side in companionable silence as we watch Benji work his magic on everyone in the room. Only days ago, everyone wanted to kill him for hurting Maddi, however after a public mea culpa and his announcement that he wants to prospect, he’s back to being everyone’s golden boy.

  The only people who seem to view him with a tinge of suspicion are his uncles, Timber, Joel, and Maddi. Timber follows his every move through narrowed eyes while Joel simply looks furious. Maddi’s expression is inscrutable.

  “Fuck knows how he does it.” Kid muses next to me. “Half the time I want to kick his teeth down his throat, yet the rest of the time, I’d kill anyone who even thought about laying a hand on him.”

  “That’s his charm,” I laugh at Kid’s puzzled expression. “He’s like the sun. Shining brightly, with all of us stuck in his orbit, patiently waiting for our time to bask in his glow.”

  Wrapping his lanky arm around my shoulder, he pulls me into his side and lays a kiss on the top of my head. “Lacey, I think you’ve just nailed it. Here’s hoping he doesn’t burn out; he’d never cope as a white dwarf star.”

  Giggling as I elbow him in the side to let him know he’s flying his geek flag loud and proud with that observation, my impending smartass comment is interrupted by the kitchen doors swinging open.

  “All righty. Grubs up.” Mama C bellows over the noise in the bar.

  When Kid and I make our way towards the trestle tables where the food is being laid out, I catch a glimpse of Benji from the corner of my eye. It looks like he’s glowering at Kid’s arm where it still rests over my shoulders, but when I turn to see if I’m right, he drops his head and cracks another wisecrack that has the Old Lady he was flirting with laughing as if it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

  ***

  “Fucking hell, you took long enough,” Benji remarks, facing me as I make my way through the side door of the workshop. His hands are on his hips, a scowl covering his handsome face.

  “I’m sharing Maddi’s room. Do you know that she barely sleeps? I had to pretend I was asleep until she slipped out to meet with Timber. I’d be—”

  Silencing me when he pushes me against the door, my breath is stripped from my lungs as he kisses me with an intensity I’ve never be
en on the receiving end of before since he’s not one for kissing. Running my hands up his sides, I wrap my arms around his neck and hold his head to mine. Benji lifts one of my legs and holds it in the air, grinding his hardening bulge against my core. My panties dampen in response to his touch, and the ill-feeling I’ve been besieged with since he winked at another woman earlier tonight is pushed to the back of my mind. I lose myself in his essence, meeting his movements with matching passion as our tongues join in a regular rhythm of hide and seek, advance and retreat.

  Pulling his lips away, Benji rests a hand against the door above my head and peers down at me, smug satisfaction radiating from him. He slides his other hand under my skirt and cups my pussy.

  “You’re so fucking wet,” he muses, a smirk on his face. “You might wanna remember how wet I make you next time you let Kyle hug you. I don’t share, even with him, unless we’re tag-teaming a bitch. Since I doubt you’d be up for that, if you want this to continue, I’d fucking recommend that you put him out of his misery quickly.”

  My mouth falls open in shock at his words. I can’t believe he just spoke to me like that. As much as I try to fight it, the familiar twinge of fear I used to feel when Connor acted possessive tightens my stomach, and I immediately try to defend myself.

  “It’s not like that. He’s my friend.”

  “I’d make sure he feels the same, if I was you. I know my best friend and he’s working an angle to find a way in.” Benji bursts into laughter and the tiny element of fear that was growing within me dies. I need to stop letting Connor’s ghost dictate my reactions.

  “Between Kyle and Smoke, our friends with benefits arrangement is danger.”

  At his reminder that the feelings in this situation are one-sided, my stomach sinks. I’m a stupid woman for continually confusing a man’s jealousy and need to possess with genuine caring. You’d think after spending so many years with Connor, I’d have learned that lesson countless times over.

  Oblivious to my internal conflict, Benji speaks, “What did you need to talk to me about? I know JJ’s suspicious of you but nobody’s asked me anything. I promised you that I’d keep it to myself anyway.”

  “She’s more than suspicious,” I tell him.

  Grabbing his hand, I lead him over to the stools near the workbench. Once we’re seated, I fill him in with the details of my run-in with Maddi.

  “She’s cornered me. We can hide our catch-ups from her and I can keep my drug use to a minimum until they stop watching me so closely, but there’s no way I can give her a fake name for your dealer if she’s going to send the Shamrocks after them. An innocent person could end up dead.” Rubbing my temples, I grimace, lowering my head and staring into my lap. “And if I don’t give her a name that checks out, I’m going to lose my job and my house.

  Pulling my hands from my head, Benji then uses his unbroken arm to pull my stool closer to him. “You need to calm down. Maddi isn’t as smart as she thinks. For starters, JJ can only report you, she can’t actually sack you herself. She’s a bloody intern, so if you lay off the meth for a while then you’ll return a negative test and she’ll look like a vindictive bitch.”

  My heart leaps at his words. Why didn’t I think of that? Crystal meth stays in your system for a maximum of forty-eight hours so I’d be clean already.

  “And on the off-chance you do lose your job; I have plenty of money. Mom left me shitloads—left all of us with more than we’ll ever need if we’re smart with it. Between that and what I’ve earned playing football, I could pay off your house for you and not even notice it. Tell Maddi she can take a long walk off a short pier. She has nothing on you.”

  Benji’s exuberant, his jubilation covering his face as he crows at his own ingeniousness. I’m not so enthused. She’s my best friend so if I tell her “no deal”, I’ll be kissing our friendship goodbye. Can I live with that? I know I deserve it after what I’ve done behind her back yet... “I can’t say that to her. She’s too important for me to take the risk that she’ll cut me out of her life. I’m in the wrong, not her. There has to be another way?”

  “Fucking hell, you women are so fucking emotional! Let me tell you this right bloody now, my sister is a softy. She’ll be angry at you for maybe two days. You let her have her tantrum, then you apologize and grovel a little bit, before promising you’ll never do it again. She gets over it and everyone lives happily ever after. Honestly, the only thing you have to worry about is the lecture you’re going to get from Mad Dog when he gets out.”

  “If. You mean if he gets out.”

  At my words, his expression shuts down. Typical Benji. Mention anything that requires an emotional response, or for him to feel something for someone else, and he can’t deal with it. He’s not a tough case study—it’s evident that he uses to hide from anything that rattles his cage.

  “I’ve got something much more interesting to discuss,” Benji changes the subject, sounding sly, and my heart lurches when he pulls a baggie out of his pocket. After the day I’ve had, this is the last thing I need to see. My willpower is less than zero at the moment; all night I’ve been fighting the desire to sweet-talk Kid or Smoke into taking me home under the guise that I’ve forgotten something important so I can grab my stash.

  “I don’t have any clean needles. We don’t have anything to mix with. I need to get back to bed before Maddi notices I’m gone.” I raise my objections even as I edge closer to him. He rises to his feet and heads over to a cluttered metal shelf full of motorcycle parts and tools.

  Using the bottom two shelves as steps he pulls down a small metal box from the top ledge. I wouldn’t have even noticed it up there, tucked away out of sight, if I hadn’t watched Benji slide it down. Once he’s made his way back to me, he unlocks it with a small key he had in his pocket.

  Mouth open, I stand next to him and catalog the contents of the box. A bottle of sterilized water, a set of new syringes and needles, a lighter, alcohol swabs, a shiny silver spoon, some cotton balls, and a tourniquet. It’s an intravenous drug users dream kit.

  “Why do you have that stashed here?”

  It’s stupid but I feel betrayed that he’s using without me. I’m guilty of getting high without him, yet I feel a sense of propriety towards Benji’s use.

  “I stashed it here after I had my knee reconstruction. Figured it’d be easier to sneak out here than try and make my way home. I haven’t used it before, though. You know how fucking useless I am at hitting a vein,” he chuckles. “That’s your department.”

  The tightness in my stomach eases at his admission. I affect an overdone bow complete with a hand flourish, making him laugh as he unloads the contents of the box.

  “If only I could get you to wear your nurses uniform while you did it.”

  Shaking my head and laughing at his cheekiness, all reasons why this is a bad, bad idea fly from my head as my conscience and my common sense head for the hills. They’re too busy soaking up his magnetic allure to set off alarm bells in my head.

  Lining everything up, I help him add water to the crystal shards as he heats the mix in the bowl of the spoon until it’s dissolved. Nudging him out of the way, I take over the preparations, filtering the solution through the cotton balls into two syringes. Laying it on the bench, I roll up the sleeve on his unbroken arm and pull the tourniquet tight. Flicking his vein, I wait until it’s protruding. Ripping open an alcohol swab, I wipe down the area I’ve prepared and blow on it.

  “Are you ready?” I ask. My common sense makes a fleeting return, making my hand shake as I uncap the syringe. “God, what if we get caught.”

  Benji runs his free hand down my cheek, the edges of his eyes crinkling as he looks down at me with the corners of his mouth turned up in a relaxed smile. “Pretty lady, stop stressing so much. Timber’ll be in his element acting like Maddi’s knight in shining armor. They’ll be busy for hours.”

  “If you say so.”

  Letting his calmness influence me, I stop worrying. Giving his v
ein another flick, I push the plunger on the syringe until the mixture is at the top of the barrel. Eyeing him one more time to make sure he’s ready, I’m met with a nod telling me to hurry up. Angling the needle, I pierce his skin and slowly push the contents into him. Loosening the tourniquet, I watch his face as the drug filters through his system and his eyes flutter closed.

  Instantaneous relaxation, bliss...and something I can’t quite put my finger on flood his perfect face; his symmetrical, sculpted features lighting up and taking on another element that lifts his attractiveness out of this stratosphere.

  Happiness. When Benji’s eyes open I discover that is the emotion I couldn’t identify. With his wise-cracking, smart-assed personality and his ability to fool everyone into thinking that they know the real him, nobody seems to grasp how desperately unhappy he is. The only reason I have any inkling is because I happen to be around when he lets the mask drop. When he’s high enough to forget the demons that plague him.

  Pulling me into him with one hand behind my head, I’m rewarded with a small kiss. I can feel his thundering heartbeat against my breasts where they pillow against his chest, and it reminds me that underneath the dangerous game we’re playing, he is human. Perilously so. When he lets me go, I meet his bright eyes with mine and try my hardest to transmit my affection for him without words. Tongues of truth lick at my conscience and I promise myself and Benji—unbeknownst to him—that this is the last time we do this. I’m going to tell Maddi the entire story. Who our dealer is. How long we’ve been doing this. And exactly how deep into the pits of addiction we’ve fallen.

  After Connor, I’m a lost cause, but I can’t watch Benji do this to himself anymore.

  “It’s your turn, Lacey,” Benji slurs. His words sound slower than usual, not at all like his typical manic way of speaking when he’s off his head. A shiver of foreboding makes its way up my spine. Picking up my syringe, I hold it towards the single light that Benji turned on in the workshop before my arrival. The liquid looks redder than normal, not the trademark dull brown of the Mavericks of Mayhem product.