Seeking Redemption

by Kylie Hillman

  “Not really.”

  It wasn’t until a few days ago that I discovered how close JJ and Benji have become since she helped with his withdrawal after our overdoses. He’s mentioned her a few times, usually when he’s talking about Maddi since those two seem to be inseparable nowadays. I ignore the twinge of jealousy that tries to sprout wings at the thought of Maddi having a new best friend.

  “She credits watching how we dealt with his OD for helping her put aside her misgivings about raising the baby around the Shamrocks.” He continues with a smile on his face. “Or some shit like that. Who knows what makes sense to you women?”

  Sitting up, I half-heartedly throw the TV guide at him. I know what he just did—he just successfully lightened my mood in his typical low key way. His ability to do this is one of the things that makes him an unobtrusive, yet vital part of the Shamrocks. Before their fight over me, Connor used to respect Kid a lot, in spite of their age gap and his initial pissed-off reaction to Kid becoming the Information Officer less than a year after patching in.

  “Do you remember that night?” I ask. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I told Maddi about it and I thought she was going to hit me again. If I’d listened to you, most of this would have been avoided.”

  He leans back in his seat and laces his hands behind his head. Closing his eyes, he shuts me out. I feel bad for bringing up the night he stopped Connor from beating me to death, but every time he’s tried to talk about it before now, I’ve shut him down. I thought he would want to bring it out in the open.

  I guess I was wrong.

  I’m staring at the floor, wracking my brains for something else to say, when Kid speaks.

  “That night’s haunted me for years. If I’d paid more attention, I could’ve stopped you from getting hurt, again. Fuck, I could’ve stopped a lot of people from getting hurt. Maddi. Mad Dog. Benji.” He regards me with sorrow-filled eyes, and I know where his thoughts have headed.

  “Murray would still be alive if I was smarter. If I’d connected the dots.”

  Reaching over, I pat his knee.

  “None of that’s on your head. Who would have thought that Connor—a born and bred Shamrock—would consider turning against the Club. Even with his abuse, I wouldn’t have believed anyone who tried to tell me the truth.”

  Leaning forward, Kid runs his finger down the tiny, barely-visible scar on the bottom of my chin. It’s a permanent reminder of that night, one that I’ve noticed he can’t stop himself glancing at almost every time we’re near each other.

  “I shouldn’t have agreed to keep it a secret. I fucked up, big time.”

  Smiling, I move away from him. Tucking myself into a ball in the corner of my couch, I try to push away the memories that are assailing me. They refused to cooperate, spilling free, and tearing open my invisible scars.

  My first mistake on the night that haunts us both was going to the Clubhouse on a non-family night. It’s not such a big deal nowadays, but back then, Old Ladies weren’t welcome at the Club on Wednesday nights. That night was set aside for the brothers who liked to mess with the Club whores and the ones who liked to watch. In the beginning, I thought that Connor and I had the same agreement that Maddi had struck with Mad Dog. He could look but not touch. She didn’t care where he got his appetite, as long as he ate at home—that’s what she used to say to me. That was all well and good since he only had eyes for her and rarely attended. Connor, on the other hand, was much more generous with his appetite...and his attention.

  I learned just how generous he was, that night, when I’d begged the Prospect on the door to let me into the bar.

  Scared and shaking, all I wanted was Connor. My mom had been abused and threatened by an irate dog owner after she had reported him for abusing his pets. As a vet, she couldn’t in good conscience stand by and watch our neighbor starve his dogs, so they’d make him money in the local underground dog fighting ring. My Dad’s tough, but when he was jumped in our driveway as payback, I went searching for Connor to see if he could get the Shamrocks to help my family.

  That was my second mistake. I should have asked Maddi instead.

  Heading inside, I knew I was in for an education, and I expected that Connor would be watching. I didn’t like it, although I could deal as long as he kept his promise to stay faithful. He was always challenging my fidelity—which should’ve been a clue that he had a secret of his own. I was so naïve that I didn’t see the signs.

  Surprise filled me when I couldn’t find Connor in the main bar where the strippers were dancing, or in the rec room where some of the brothers were getting their needs met out in the open. Staying as inconspicuous as possible because I don’t want to get the prospect who let me inside into any trouble, I search the rest of the common areas for Connor without luck. Thinking that maybe he’s called it a night early, I check his room.

  It’s funny, but I’d stopped with my hand on the door handle and considered going home instead of waking him up. I could talk to him in the morning when he wouldn’t get so grumpy about being woken. My intuition had tried to warn me, but I’d ignored it.

  Opening the door just enough to slip inside, I close it behind me as quietly as possible. Happy that I’ve snuck in without being heard, I turn, only to be greeted by a sight that will be seared into my brain forever.

  Connor’s kneeling behind one of the Club whores, fucking her doggy style from behind, while urging her to eat the pussy of the woman lying on her back in front of them. Stunned, it takes me a second to get my bearings. Then I lose my temper and start screaming.

  After pummelling Connor on the back of the head, I launch myself at the two women on the bed. Dragging the one who’d had my man’s cock in her off the bed by her hair, I slap her across the face.

  “Get the fuck out of here, you whore,” I shout at her. When I lift my hand to hit her again, she makes a beeline for the door. Whirling on my heel, I swing wildly at the other woman until she runs from the room as well.

  When Connor slammed the door shut behind her, I’d thought nothing of it. At that stage he’d only hit me twice before, and both times he’d been more upset than I was about it. He’d apologized and cried...and I’d swallowed his excuses—hook, line, and sinker.

  That was my third mistake.

  I was standing in front of him, tears streaming down my face, my chest heaving, expecting him to apologize. What I hadn’t anticipated was a fist to the face and to be thrown to the floor.

  I hit my chin when I land, and it splits open. Blood runs down my neck and I touch the wound with tentative fingers. Looking at the red fluid on my fingers makes my stomach churn, and my tears flow harder.

  “You stupid fucking bitch.” Connor yells at me. “How fucking dare you come into my Club and behave like this? I should fucking kill you for embarrassing me like that.”

  I’m lying prone on the floor, more scared than I’ve been in my life, staring up at the man I love as he transforms into a complete maniac. Grabbing his cock, he points it in my direction. “If I want to stick this into a bitch, I fucking will. You don’t get a fucking say. You do as I say, not the other way around.”

  “Connor, please,” I plead. “I’m sorry. I just wanted your help. Dad was hurt tonight and I thought the Shamrocks could help.”

  His eyes bulge in his head at my words. Reaching down, he grabs me by the back of my shirt and swings me to my feet. I’m so much smaller than him, that my toes hardly skim the ground as he manhandles me onto the bed. Straddling my waist, he grabs my bleeding chin and makes me look at him.

  “This is my Club. Not yours. The only reason you’re accepted here is because I happen to like sticking my dick in your pussy. For now. Keep this shit up and that could change at any time.”

  Letting go of my chin, he grabs my neck and squeezes.

  “Feel that, Lacey? That’s your pathetic life in my hands. Remember what this feels like because if you ever come barging in here again wanting things from this Club, I’ll finish t
he job. I have too many plans in place for your dumb ass to fuck them up.”

  Evil intent shines in his eyes and I truly believe I’m about to die. I’m granted a reprieve when Connor is lifted off of me and thrown to the floor. Kid follows him, landing punch after punch, before he rights himself and throws a kick at Connor’s unconscious form.

  “Fucking hell, Lacey. Are you okay?” he asks me, puffing hard from exertion. He reaches for me and I flinch away from him. His eyes turn hard and he shoots Connor’s prone form a look of pure hatred. “Hate cunts who hit women. He’s lucky I didn’t kill him. Probably won’t be so lucky when I tell Beast. He doesn’t let this sort of shit in his Club.”

  Scrambling to my knees, I grab one of Kid’s bloody hands.

  “Please. You can’t tell anyone,” I beg, squeezing his hand. “He didn’t mean it. I messed up and he got angry. This is my fault, not Connor’s.”

  I feel sick to my stomach as I make excuses for Connor, but deep down, I know what I’m saying is the truth. If I hadn’t broken the rules tonight, this wouldn’t have happened. This is on my head and I need to fix it for Connor. Correcting Kid’s assumption that Connor is in the wrong might also save my life. If Kid tells Beast and Connor’s punished, or worse expelled from the Shamrocks, I know he’ll kill me.

  “Bloody hell. I can’t keep this to myself,” Kid argues. “He just threatened to kill you. He’s a fucking woman beater—”

  “No!” I cut off his protests. “He’s not. Honest. He’s never laid a finger on me before and if I hadn’t been so stupid tonight, he never would have.”

  Kid assesses me with a shrewd gaze. I don’t think he’s buying my story, so I’m praying that he feels sorry enough for me that he’ll let it drop.

  Letting out a long breath between his teeth, he shakes his head.

  “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this shit.”

  Inwardly, I do a happy dance at his capitulation.

  “Promise me if this ever happens again that you’ll come to me so I can get Beast to put an end to him?”

  Crossing my fingers behind my back, I squeeze the hand I’m still holding with my other.

  “I promise, Kid.”

  ***

  “Lacey,” Kid shakes me. “You’re crying.”

  Pushing myself upright, I smile at him as I wipe my face.

  “It’s been a long day and I’m worried about Benji. Emotion overload,” I joke. The memories are fresh but I don’t want to talk about them anymore. The lingering agony I can see in Kid’s eyes tells me he doesn’t want to go there either.

  An uncomfortable silence fills the room. I’m trying to think of something innocuous to say to break it when Kid’s phone rings.

  “Yo, Mads. All good on your end?” he greets her.

  I try to hear what’s being said on the other end, but I can’t make out the words. The only clue that I have is Kid’s expression which starts off happy enough before it becomes progressively worried.

  “Fuuuuck.” He draws out the word as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I’ll handle it. Keep me in the loop though.”

  I watch him jab at his screen to end the call with one thought racing through my head.

  What the hell’s going down now?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  BENJI

  Present Day

  Ending the call, I throw my phone on the kitchen counter.

  My pulse is racing in my ears and I still feel overheated, but I’m happy to be coming down. Not as fast as I’d like, although it’s an improvement on my earlier state.

  It was only by the grace of God that I didn’t shoot up tonight, stuck snorting enough crystal to kill a horse instead. If I’d had any way of getting my hands on the shit I needed without having to talk to another living being, I’d be too far gone to make the call I just did.

  Once the rush had settled, enough common sense remained to push me to reach out to Maddi. Normally, it’d grate on my pride to follow Dad’s advice, yet this time it’s the only course of action that makes any fucking sense to me. I’m failing fucking spectacularly at trying to keep my head above water on my own, so the time’s come to get some help.

  The trial’s tomorrow so I need to hang on until it’s over. After that, all bets are off.

  Killing time, I clean up the mess I made earlier. Maddi doesn’t need to see the remnants of the tantrum I threw when I got home. Making a mental note to book my car in to get the broken dash fixed, I drag the mangled pieces of the dining chair I smashed through my patio doors outside. I’ve cost myself thousands of dollars in furniture and car repairs by losing my shit over a woman who played me like a fucking fiddle.

  Grinding my teeth when visions of Lacey and Cam pop back into my head, I punch the wall next to me. Pain shoots up my lower arm, making me curse.

  “Jesus fucking Christ.”

  “Punching walls has that effect, dopey,” my twin’s sarcastic voice drifts through the doors. I make my way back inside to find that JJ’s with her. Awesome. I regret my decision to call for a second, until JJ hits me with a sympathetic smile. Giving Maddi epic side-eye, she makes it clear that she’s here to keep my sister under control.

  Maddi hasn’t even looked at me yet, she’s too busy making herself at home. She’s thrown her keys to my house on the kitchen counter next to her handbag and is now busy boiling the jug for a cup of coffee.

  “I’ll take one of them.”

  “I’m thinking you’ll need more than one,” she shoots back. “You look like a gigantic mess.”

  “Cheers,” I salute her.

  With the mood she appears to be in, I haven’t a clue how to begin the conversation I invited her over to have. I give up for now, picking up some more rubbish and tossing it into the trash on my way to the living area.

  Settling into the recliner, I flick through the channels while the two women fuss about in my kitchen. I’ve pretty much talked myself out of discussing anything serious tonight, when a steaming cup of coffee is placed in front of me. The remote control is snatched from my hands, the TV turning off a moment later.

  “I’m really pissed at you, Benji,” Maddi begins the second her ass hits the cushion of my couch. JJ sits a lot more delicately next her, holding her huge pregnant belly and grimacing. It hurts to look at her. She looks so uncomfortable, yet she radiates contentment at the same time. Why she’d voluntarily carry Timber’s gargantuan spawn, when she’s one of the tiniest chicks I’ve ever set eyes on, boggles my mind. Yet, compared to Maddi, who’s fading away before everyone’s eyes, and me, the constantly fucked-up junkie, she’s the picture of health.

  Maddi and I look one step from the looney bin.

  “Honestly, Mads, when aren’t you pissed at me lately? It’s not like I give you much reason not to be.”

  Rolling her eyes at me, she snaps in response, “Can the pity party. I’m all out today.”

  “Who pissed in your cornflakes?” I ask, grabbing my coffee. She’s always mouthy, and tells everyone exactly what she thinks, however she’s normally much nicer when I’m having a crisis.

  “You did. If you’d listened today, everything would’ve been fixed without the need for one of your patented meltdowns. I’d be home in bed, tossing and turning, and worrying about Mik’s trial tomorrow, instead of sitting here with a pregnant chick who should be resting on one side and my brother, who’s quickly sobering up on the other. You really screwed everything up, you know?”

  Lifting one eyebrow, I wait for her to elaborate.

  “Why did you follow Lacey when I asked you not to?”

  That’s what she’s shitty about? Fuck me dead, I thought I’d done something really fucked up.

  “Because I wanted to. Don’t worry, lil sis, you were right like usual. I found out she’s fucking Cam behind my back. That’s why I got fucked up this afternoon. I’m over it though. I was stupid to think she cared. But, that’s not why I asked you to come tonight—”

  I don’t get to finish my expla
nation because they burst into laughter.

  “Did you hear that, JJ?” Maddi turns to JJ as she laughs. “He thinks she doesn’t care. And, he says he’s over it.”

  JJ looks like she’s struggling to breathe; she’s laughing that hard. Letting go of her huge tummy, and with tears running down her face, she claps her hands.

  “Put him out of his misery,” JJ commands once she’s got her breath back. “You’re enjoying this too much.”

  Maddi rolls her bloody eyes again, making me want tell her to get the fuck out of my house.

  “All right.” She grins at JJ, who shakes her head.

  “Benjamin. Brother dearest. You’re the biggest idiot I know.”

  She’s trying to get a rise out me. I’m scared that if I give her what she wants, she’ll never get to the point, so I bite my tongue.

  “Lacey isn’t cheating on you. She had a situation with Cam that she needed to fix so me and JJ tried to help her. If you’d stayed home today like I asked, it would all be over and done with and you’d be none the wiser. You really do my head in—”

  “What situation?”

  “You owe me fourteen thousand dollars.”

  I know she’s joking—I hope she’s joking—by the smile on her face. None of this makes sense. I feel like she’s talking advanced Mandarin, while I only have a basic understanding of the language.

  “Maddi...” JJ warns her again.

  “God, you’re a spoilsport.” Maddi turns to JJ, who looks uncomfortable.

  “I have other things to do tonight,” JJ bites back with a small smile on her face.

  These two are nutcases. Now that I know Lacey isn’t cheating on me, I’m going to get to the bottom of what I saw today, and get my woman back. With one strict stipulation. She’s not allowed to hang out with these two crazy bitches for more than an hour a week. They’re going to rub off on her if they spend too much time together.