The Misfits Club

by Kieran Crowley

  Hannah rolled down the passenger window as Sharon climbed out of her car, a thunderous look on her face. Before she could reach Hannah, the young girl had slipped out of the window and pulled herself up on to the roof of the jeep.

  ‘What’s she doing?’ Amelia asked.

  Hannah stood there, right in the middle of the roof, looking defiant.

  ‘That’d be a very stupid thing to do,’ Sharon warned her.

  ‘I’m a Misfit. I do stupid things all the time,’ Hannah said.

  She flung the keys of the jeep as far away as she could. They sailed over the hedge and deep into the thick, lush grass of the uncut field. It would take hours to find them in daylight, but now, as night approached, it would be impossible.

  The Misfits Club cheered. They cheered again moments later, when they heard the faint sounds of a patrol car’s siren on the main road.

  With no way of escaping by car and the gardaí approaching, Sharon had only one chance left. She set off on foot towards the fields at the back of the house.

  The siren spooked Lionel and Burt too. This time, it was Lionel’s turn to whimper.

  ‘I don’t want to go back to prison,’ he said.

  ‘Should we follow her?’ Brian said. He didn’t know what to do. He was furious with her, but he couldn’t risk getting his dad in trouble. Could he?

  Florence poked her head out of the jeep’s window. ‘Don’t even think about it, Derek. You’ve done enough – don’t push your luck.’

  ‘She’s right,’ Amelia said. ‘She won’t get far.’

  The siren drew closer and, shortly after, they heard the car travelling down the narrow path.

  ‘It’s like Piccadilly Circus around here,’ Florence said.

  Burt was spooked. ‘I’m not getting arrested. I’m escaping too,’ he said. ‘I can make the car.’

  The Subaru Impreza was about ten metres away from the ledge. If Burt hoped to land on its roof to break his fall, it was going to take a superhuman leap.

  ‘You won’t make it,’ Lionel said. ‘It’s too far to jump.’

  The patrol car came to a stop directly behind Florence’s jeep.

  Burt was ready. ‘I’m going on the count of three,’ he said, summoning up his courage. ‘One and two and –’

  Burt didn’t make the car.

  Debra O’Loughlin had to climb over the roof of the jeep to get into the yard. After a quick and confusing briefing from all five club members, she radioed for back-up and set off after Sharon.

  The next couple of hours were chaotic. Florence’s jeep was pushed out of the way to make room for all the cars that were coming and going. Sergeant Macklow and Tim/Jim were among the first to arrive and found it difficult to take charge of the situation. Everything was so confusing. They were more used to dealing with crimes like shoplifting and were both glad when Debra arrived with Sharon in handcuffs shortly afterwards. Macklow allowed her to run the show.

  ‘It’ll be good for you to gain some experience,’ he said.

  A local farmer brought a ladder and Lionel was rescued and then swiftly arrested. The last anyone saw of Burt was when he was being loaded into an ambulance, with his arms strapped up and splints on both of his legs. He was weeping quite a bit.

  Later in the evening, a wildlife expert arrived and after some tense moments managed to sedate the honey badger. It was taken away and given a full check-up and found to be in surprisingly good health, to Chris’s relief.

  ‘We did it! We actually did it!’ Amelia cried, punching the air.

  ‘We did. Though I’m still not really clear on what happened,’ Sam said. ‘Or why someone wanted a honey badger as a pet.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll explain it all to you in a lot of detail when we get home,’ Chris said.

  ‘Great, that’s something to look forward to,’ Sam said.

  ‘So, that’s it,’ Hannah said with a smile. ‘We’ve solved our very first mystery.’

  ‘And it was a big one,’ Brian said.

  They hugged – except for Sam, who tried to remind them that Misfits should never hug, but was ignored – and exchanged fist bumps and high-fives.

  Florence ambled over. ‘Hannah, your parents are here,’ she said.

  Hannah had been dreading meeting her mother again. She was expecting her to shout and roar and ban her from leaving the house for life, but instead her reaction was quite different.

  ‘Oh, my precious angel,’ Mrs Fitzgerald said, grabbing her daughter and squeezing her so tightly Hannah could hardly breathe.

  ‘You’re smothering me,’ Hannah gasped.

  ‘I know, I know. I can’t help it. I just worry about you so much. You mean the world to me and I’m always terrified something bad will happen to you. I’m too protective. I can see that now. It’s not making you happy living with so many rules and regulations – that’s why you’re taking all these risks. We can try and compromise, find a way that works for all of us.’

  ‘No, I mean you’re smothering me with this hug.’

  ‘Oh,’ her mother said, laughing and crying at the same time. She released her grip on Hannah. As soon as she was free, her father grabbed his daughter in a bear hug. Big, fat tears rolled down his face. Hannah had never seen either of them behave like this before. She wondered if they’d gone mad.

  ‘What have you been up to, you foolish, brave girl?’

  ‘Having fun,’ Hannah said. ‘Why aren’t you angry?’

  ‘I am angry, but I’m proud too and . . . just so happy you’re OK. Come on, we’re taking you home,’ Mr Fitzgerald said.

  ‘Any chance we could stop for chips?’ Hannah said. ‘I know they’re not healthy, but—’

  ‘You can eat chips until you’re sick,’ Mr Fitzgerald said.

  Sam and Chris’s parents were less pleased with their sons’ activities.

  ‘But, Dad, we foiled a criminal gang,’ Chris pleaded.

  ‘Well, let me tell you, that’s the last foiling either of you two will be doing for a very long time,’ their father said. ‘No more action films for you, Sam, and, Chris, say goodbye to your computer.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’

  ‘You think that’s not fair? I’m only getting started,’ their dad said.

  ‘They’ll all calm down eventually, in a year or two,’ Florence said to Amelia and Brian when the twins had been taken home. ‘You do realize you were very foolish, don’t you?’

  ‘In my defence, I’m not smart enough not to be foolish,’ Brian said.

  ‘And you always said I was too uptight. See what happens when I’m not uptight?’ Amelia said.

  ‘Yes, I can imagine your father will be delighted when he hears that you’ve got some of your old grandmother’s spirit,’ Florence said.

  ‘You’re not going to tell him, are you?’ Amelia said.

  ‘Of course I’m not,’ Florence said. ‘You are.’

  Since Florence’s car was out of action until the following day, Debra gave them a lift home. She put Brian’s bike in the boot – the other bikes would have to be collected later. Debra was in good spirits and couldn’t hide it. After she’d reassured Brian that Mucky wasn’t going to get in any trouble, she told them all how she chased Sharon through the fields and rugby-tackled her to the ground.

  ‘She was no match for me.’ She beamed. ‘It was like I was on Criminal Minds or something. It was amazing.’

  Amelia and Florence were dropped off first and said their goodbyes.

  ‘Make sure you call over for lunch tomorrow, if you’re free,’ Florence said to Brian as she exited the car.

  ‘I’d like that,’ Brian replied. ‘Good last adventure, huh?’

  ‘Doesn’t have to be the last one,’ Amelia said.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Hannah’s still here and I think I’ll be visiting a lot more too. And though you think of yourselves as detectives none of you seem to have noticed how much Horace wants to join your club. He drops hints every time he sees y
ou.’

  ‘He does?’

  ‘And there’s nothing stopping Sam and Chris starting up a Galway branch of the club and meeting up from time to time.’

  ‘Yeah, we could go international.’

  ‘Galway isn’t intern– Never mind. Things change, but it’s not always the worst thing, you know. At least, not in my experience,’ Amelia said. ‘See you tomorrow. Misfits rule, right?’

  Brian smiled. ‘Yeah, Misfits rule,’ he said.

  ❀ Amelia’s Journal ❀

  I thought when I was being kicked out of home that I’d hate it at my gran’s, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. She’s much cooler than I thought and I’ve had the most amazing adventure and made the best friends. They are nothing like my friends at home – let’s face it, they’re a little bit odd, but then so am I. I didn’t know that before. What’s so bad about that, anyway?

  Gran made me ring my dad and tell him what was going on. He shouted A LOT. But he wasn’t really cross with me. He was cross with Gran for some reason even though I was the one who’d done all the things he was cross about. Gran didn’t seem to mind him shouting down the phone at her. She just kept reading the newspaper and saying, ‘Yes, dear,’ from time to time. The worst thing is that now I have to go back home again, away from here and away from my new friends. That’s such a pain. If I heard someone had stopped a load of crimes, I’d be saying well done and giving them free food and cinema vouchers and new clothes and stuff like that. I wouldn’t be punishing them. NO WAY!

  The good thing is that while Dad was wandering around the house shouting a lot, Vivienne got on the phone. We actually had a nice talk. I said sorry for what I’d done and promised to help more and she said sorry too. She said she’d let me think they sent me away because I was annoying them, but really she was just finding things tough at home and she thought it best if I went away for a while rather than see her all stressed and stuff. I think we might be friends again. She started telling me about Susanna and she sounds different to when I left. I didn’t think that babies could change much in such a short time, but Vivienne says she has and why would she lie? I think I’m actually looking forward to seeing Susanna again. That’s strange, isn’t it?

  I’m going to bed now. It’s been a long day. I still can’t believe what we’ve done. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real and then other times it does and I feel all excited and panicky at the same time. The story was even on the news on the radio (no television at Gran’s. Grrrrr). It said that Sharon – her real name is Alex Lambert, Sharon is an alias – had been stealing stuff like jewellery and paintings in America for years and years, but the police there had almost caught her, so she came home to Ireland and had been working here with her two brothers for the last six months. They’d found all these old properties and paid people to use them (people like Rodney O’Reilly – I wonder what will happen to him). They’d hide the stuff there until they were ready to move it out. They rented under false names so if anyone found the goods, then they’d be able to say it wasn’t them or something like that. I’m sure Hannah and Chris will explain it all. That’s if I’m ever allowed to see them again.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Brian was surprised to find Mucky sitting at the kitchen table when he got home. He was so used to him lying on the couch in front of the television that it looked all wrong to see him like this.

  ‘You’re late,’ Mucky said. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah, fine,’ Brian replied.

  He wasn’t used to being asked if he was all right, either. He sat down at the table.

  ‘Did you hear about Sharon?’ Mucky said. ‘Tom Moran rang me. Said some local lads caught her robbing animals from a farm or something. He didn’t have all the details.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Brian said. And he was surprised to find he meant it. He wasn’t sorry that she was gone, but he was sorry for his dad.

  Mucky didn’t seem to be fully aware of all the drama at the farmhouse or Brian’s involvement in what had happened. He’d tell him later.

  ‘Don’t be sorry, I’m not. I’m kind of relieved, actually,’ he said with a smile. ‘So, ol’ Shar was some kind of criminal genius.’

  ‘Not sure she was a genius.’

  ‘She was genius enough to outsmart me,’ Mucky said.

  ‘And me,’ Brian said. She’d been right under his nose the whole time and he’d never suspected her.

  ‘Guess the McDonnell boys aren’t the brightest bulbs in the . . . erm, you know, something or other.’

  ‘Guess not.’

  They both stared at the table for a few moments.

  ‘Things were better when your mother was here, weren’t they?’

  ‘Yeah, they were,’ Brian said.

  Mucky hadn’t been too bad back then. Not brilliant – he’d never been that; it wasn’t in his nature – but he had been better.

  ‘Maybe we could try and make them better again,’ Mucky said. He ran his fingers through what was left of his long, thin hair. ‘I think it’s time we did things a bit differently around here. Not too much, mind. Too much change can be bad for you, but a little bit.’

  ‘I’d like that,’ Brian said.

  Mucky got up from his chair. He looked happier, as if the conversation had made him feel better.

  ‘Think I’ll watch some telly and then go to bed,’ he said. He turned back. ‘We can watch something you’re interested in, you know . . . if you like.’

  ‘No, you’re grand. Watch what you want, Dad.’

  ‘Great, that’s great.’

  Brian heard the dual sounds of the television coming to life and Mucky settling into the couch with a satisfied sigh.

  ‘Brian?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Sam, Chris, Hannah and Amelia. They’re your friends’ names, right?’

  ‘Yes, Dad, they’re my friends.’

  He’d actually learned their names. That was progress, wasn’t it? Maybe Amelia’s right after all, Brian thought. Maybe change isn’t the worst thing in the world.

  The Newpark Echo

  Thursday 26 August

  EXCITEMENT IN EXCITING TOWN

  Newpark, once ridiculed by the overrated travel writer, William Wrydaughter, as a cure for insomnia, was possibly the most exciting place on the planet for a few hours on Tuesday night. With honey badgers on the loose, criminals trapped on a farmhouse roof, a dastardly illegal trade foiled, a local young garda’s reputation restored and with some resourceful children at the heart of it all, there was barely time for this reporter to draw breath.

  When the self-styled Misfits Club – consisting of local children Brian McDonnell, brothers Sam and Chris Adamu, Hannah Fitzgerald, as well as Amelia Parkinson, the granddaughter of Newpark native Florence Parkinson – went looking for the ghost of Patrick Grenham (excitement and a local ghost? Take that, Wrydaughter) they had no idea what they were about to discover. But thanks to a combination of bravery, intelligence and good old-fashioned doggedness, these doughty youngsters were able to unravel a web of mystery and save the day.

  It is believed that the non-Newpark criminal gang had been operating all over the country, but they made a big mistake when they set foot in the town with Ireland’s only ketchup museum. The gang’s leader, Alex Lambert, aka Sharon Lachey, has been responsible for the theft of rare items such as paintings, jewellery, as well as exotic pets, in America for years, but recently moved home to Ireland after being pursued by the US authorities. Lambert and her brothers allegedly stole unusual items to order and then sold them on to rich buyers, but they met their match when they arrived in our fair town.

  There were three arrests made on the night by Garda Debra O’Loughlin, with further arrests expected to follow.

  Sergeant Calvin Macklow was full of praise for O’Loughlin, who brought down the gang’s leader: ‘She did a great job. We always knew she had it in her. She’s rescued cats like Lumpy in the past, now she’s rescuing badgers. At this rate, she’ll be opening her own zoo.�
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  And what of the honey badger? Claws O’Toole, as he has been unofficially named, is already on his way to a sanctuary on his home continent of Africa, where he will be well looked after. Cornelius Figg, Ireland’s wealthiest man, has agreed to fund the cost of transporting Claws to Africa, as well as financing the running of the sanctuary for the next five years. According to Garda O’Loughlin, the criminals had Claws in their possession because they believed that Cornelius Figg wanted to purchase the world’s most fearsome animal for Barney. In what was a criminal clerical error, the Lambert gang accidentally researched ‘world’s most fear-less animal’, which led them to capturing the brave, and occasionally vicious, honey badger.

  The whole enterprise was a misunderstanding according to Plunkett Healy, a spokesman for Mr Figg: ‘Young Barney is an amazing, caring boy who innocently expressed an interest in working with wildlife at some point in the future. He never wanted to own such a beautiful creature. The honey badger belongs to nature, not to man.’

  What’s next for the Misfits Club? Chris Adamu had this to say: ‘We promise to investigate crime, fight evil and put ourselves in peril to right wrongdoings everywhere.’ Unfortunately for young Adamu, he may not get the chance to do any of this since he has been grounded for the next year.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I would like to say thanks to everyone at Macmillan publishers for all their support, especially my brilliant editor, Lucy Pearse. Thanks, as always, to my agent, Marianne Gunn O’Connor. And last, but never least, thanks to Dee, my first reader and best friend.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Kieran Crowley is a children’s writer from Mallow, Co. Cork. His debut novel, Colm & the Lazarus Key, was nominated for the Bisto Book of the Year Award in 2010, and The Mighty Dynamo was shortlisted for the Hull Children’s Book Award. The Misfits Club is Kieran’s second novel published by Macmillan Children’s Books.

  Books by Kieran Crowley

  The Mighty Dynamo