After that, all of them, both boys and girls, jogged around the pitch three times, and Beth was extremely glad for all the walking around the woods she did. They were all puffing heavily at the end, and several of the others had fallen far behind; one girl had even given up and was simply walking it.
“Good work, everyone,” Toby said as they gathered round him at the end of the jog. “I’ll make this quick and painless. Marianne, Beth, Kelly and Emma, you’re all on the team. I’m really sorry to the rest of you, and thank you so much for coming today.” Toby gave the rest of the girls a brief kind smile and then turned his attention to Beth and the others that had been picked.
Marianne, Kelly and Emma screamed and hugged each other. Beth smiled shyly at Matt, finding herself surprisingly thrilled at being selected.
“You were great,” Matt said. “Much better than you let me think you would be. I thought you said you hadn't really played before?” His voice was teasing and she could tell he genuinely was pleased.
“I haven’t, truly. It just sort of clicked. It wasn’t nearly as hard or as scary as I thought it would be.” In fact, Beth found herself experiencing something of a high. Like an adrenaline rush of achievement. She had never done well at any sport in the past, especially not a team game, and it felt amazing to have done it without feeling the need to disappear through the floor every few seconds. To her further amazement, the other girls, also on a high of success, started to hug her as well as each other. Beth felt stiff and awkward, but couldn’t help laughing as she let them embrace her. Then Toby came over and put a hand on her shoulder.
“Welcome to the Compass Court Mixed Team, Beth. Training is every Wednesday and Friday evening, matches are on alternate Saturday mornings. I’ll print you a list of the fixtures. Can you fill in your School House and phone number on this sheet for me?”
As she put began to fill in her details, Bryn came over and gave her a fist bump, which was a first for Beth, and said he was glad she was on the team, and then the girl called Kelly stopped next to her and said how good she thought Beth had been.
Beth felt quite overwhelmed by all the positivity being showered on her. It was a little bit unnerving, but also incredibly nice.
“Go Compass Court!” Kelly nudged her in a friendly way as Beth passed over the clipboard. Beth felt tears well up at the back of her eyes; she felt a part of something for the first time. She was part of a team and they actually wanted her there!
Chapter Eight
MATT PUT HIS HAND ON her arm, and she smiled at him with shining eyes.
“Would you like to go into Oakworth this afternoon,” she said hesitantly, “to celebrate?”
“Yes, definitely.” Matt gave her arm a squeeze. “I’m so glad you made it. Hey, everyone,” he raised his voice, “shall we all go grab a bite in Oakworth and celebrate?”
“Oh, but...” Beth started to say and then closed her mouth, too scared to say more. She had meant just her and Matt, but then he had invited everyone.
She’d had some vague plan in mind to attempt to flirt with Matt, and let him know somehow that she liked him, but there was no way she could do that with other people around. In fact, there was no way she could go out socially with everyone in a group like Matt was suggesting. It just wasn’t something she felt capable of doing. She had already overcome a major fear hurdle that day by doing the football tryouts and now she felt emotionally exhausted.
Her euphoria at getting on the team came crashing down. She wondered how on earth she could have done it at all, and now that it was done she began to feel wobbly at the knees at just the idea of it. Somehow her pleasure in the sport had pushed her through the point when she would normally have had to make a break for the nearest exit. But now suddenly, the thought of being with all the team, of having to make chit-chat and smile, it was just too much.
She began to edge away from the group, wondering how to escape without being obvious. Matt would expect her to go out with them, especially as she had been the one to suggest it, but she simply couldn’t keep up the veneer of being normal for a single moment longer.
She came up short as she backed straight into another person.
“Are you okay?” Toby steadied her as she nearly tripped over his feet. “Beth? You look white as a sheet, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, uh, sugar low probably,” she lied. Her eyes began to dart nervously and her heart began to race as his grip on her tightened so she felt that she couldn’t get away.
“It’s okay, just sit down for a minute,” he said in a low and soothing voice. She wondered if he guessed that she was on the point of a panic attack.
“I’m sorry.” She shook him off. “I’ve just got to go.”
She forced herself to keep a straight face, even though she wanted to cry while running as fast as she could to get out of there. Instead she made herself walk away at a normal pace.
She didn’t look back, so she didn’t know if Matt had even noticed she was leaving, but he didn’t come after her.
She waited until she was around the corner and then she ran. She ran all the way to the main doors, up the stairs and through the North Tower Common Room, right up to her dormitory, before she collapsed on to her bed. She buried her head under the pillow and shook with silent tears until she was all cried out.
Half an hour later she sat on the side of her bed and blew her nose. The day had started out so well and then ended in total disaster. She had become emotionally overwhelmed and had very nearly had a freak-out in public.
The physical outpouring of tears had exhausted her until she was calm again, but now she just felt like an idiot. How had she thought she was ready to do something like that? She so clearly wasn’t! It was just that she really liked Matt, and she wanted to be around him. Or she had wanted to, but she didn’t want to turn herself back into a gibbering wreck just for the sake of a boy who probably wasn’t interested in her anyway.
Beth picked up the book on her bedside table and read a few chapters, losing herself in someone else’s story, but her mind kept returning to her own life and how hampered it was by her darn personality flaw. She really did want to get to know Matt better, but maybe she could just do that in class. But it was a shame about the football; she truly had enjoyed it. Perhaps she could take up some other hobby, like running, that might give her an endorphin rush. But it wouldn’t have the fun of messing about with the ball, or that feeling she had felt being accepted as part of a team. She began to daydream about playing an actual game, kicking the ball back and forth between them all, her and Matt and Toby, Bryn, and Kelly. She drifted off to sleep.
She was woken up some time later by her Wendy gently shaking her shoulder. She could see from the concerned look on her Wendy’s face that she guessed Beth was having another bout of anxiety; she hovered uncertainly for a moment before speaking.
“There’s someone asking for you down in the common room. Shall I him you’re not feeling well?”
Was Matt here? Beth rubbed her eyes and then glanced over at her vanity mirror to see if her face was red and puffy from the crying. She actually looked fairly normal. She ran her fingers through her hair and said, “No, that’s okay.”
“I can’t believe you have Toby Falcon chasing you, he’s such a hottie.” Wendy teased gently, trying to get Beth to smile.
“It’s Toby? What’s he doing here?”
“He didn’t say. I suggest you ask him.” Wendy gave her a push toward the door.
“It’ll just be about football, he’s not chasing me.” Beth said, as Wendy made a show of unrumpling Beth’s t-shirt and making her more presentable.
“Sure, if you say so,” Wendy gave her a knowing smile.
Beth walked slowly down to the common room, wondering why she didn’t feel as terrified of talking to Toby as she had done before.
Toby was seated on a couch by the window, and gave her a wave as she entered the room.
“I can’t believe you have a fruit bowl in the North Tower Com
mon Room. We don’t have one in West Tower.” He indicated the heaving bowl of fruit on the low table in front of him.
“Wendy organised it, all the North Tower parents contribute.” Beth nervously turned all the apples so that their storks faced upwards, then stopped when she noticed Toby watching her with one eyebrow raised quizzically.
“Sorry. Just one of my many hang-ups,” Beth said with a shrug.
“Yeah, about that... Look, I could see that the idea of going out in a group unnerved you, and I just wanted to check you were okay.”
Beth put her face in her hands. “Was it really obvious? I thought I might have managed to leave before I totally embarrassed myself.”
Toby sat down on the bed beside her. “You did, I just recognised the signs – my roommate Danny used to be exactly the same.”
Beth took her hands down from her face, regarding him with interest. “He did? But not any more?”
“No, he’s fine now. He really struggled for the first couple of years here, being away from home and everything, I thought he’d have to leave but then he got into music and the school band and it really gave him focus.”
Beth’s shoulders slumped a little at the thought of struggling all the rest of the way through school, but then she hadn’t really expected anything different.
“So did everyone go out except me?” She didn’t know how to ask about Matt.
“Yeah, it’s a cool team, I’m really pleased we managed to find some girls to play so we can compete in the mixed league; pretty much all the other schools round here are entering too. Look, I don’t know how to say this delicately so I’ll just ask: are you going to be alright to play? The spectators can sometimes get a bit personal and I don’t want you to get spooked right in the middle of a game. Oh, hell, that came out badly, I meant that I don’t want it for you, not that I don’t want it for the team. You are an asset to the team.”
Beth gave him a smile, really touched that he was being so kind.
“Actually, I don’t think I should play. I’m sorry. You only need three girls, right? And you have four. So I think it’s best if I don’t. I’m so sorry to have wasted your time today. I thought I could do it, and I really enjoyed it too, but I can’t guarantee not to get spooked. Sorry.”
“Stop saying sorry,” he grumbled in pretend annoyance, “it’s not your fault. But seriously, Beth, is there nothing I can do to help? It’s just that you were great today, the best by miles.”
Beth rolled her eyes at his blatant flattery. “Nice try, Toby, but I know I wasn’t. Marianne was way better than me.”
Toby shook his head. “Not really – I mean yes, she was, but Marianne’s been playing football for years, and this was your first time, right? And you weren’t far behind her. She does have some skills she’s learned, but you, you’re a natural! You just seemed to pick it up. The football greats are like that. You can’t learn natural talent, you either have it or you don’t, and I think you totally have it.”
Beth blushed a deep red. She didn’t believe a word of it, but it was still nice to hear. Especially from someone as popular and handsome as Toby. But she suspected that he was just trying to butter her up so that she didn’t quit the team.
“Look, how about if you stay on the team as a reserve? If one of the other girls can’t play for any reason then I would be stuffed. Will you just think about it, please? For me?” He gave her puppy-dog eyes, and Beth laughed.
“What about my social anxiety?”
“How about if I’m there to hold your hand through it? It worked for Danny, having a good friend around. Do you think you could hang on to me when it gets scary?” He picked up her hand and gave her a look that even Beth couldn’t misinterpret.
She blushed again and pulled away. “I... I’m not sure.”
He ran his hand through his hair, looking slightly embarrassed, “Yeah, that would probably be a terrible idea for the team. That’s the trouble with letting girls play – boys just want to date them. Me and you, Matt and Marianne, and Bryn was totally eyeing up Emma when she was stretching to warm up. We want to score off the pitch as well as on it,” he joked.
“Matt and Marianne?” Beth felt her voice get high and quivery, but Toby didn’t seem to notice.
“Yeah,” He grinned at the memory. “She was all over him at lunch; poor bloke didn’t stand a chance.” He shook off the memory and focussed on her again. “So what do you say? If I promise to behave myself, will you at least stay on the team as reserve? And let me try and be there for you if you feel panicked or anything? I will look out for you, Beth.” He gave her a look of such sincerity that she didn’t feel she could say no.
“Okay, I’ll try. But just as reserve,” she said firmly.
“Brilliant. You won’t regret it. Well, I'd better be going, but I’m glad you’re feeling better, and I’m glad you aren't going to quit.”
“Not yet, anyway, but I might,” she warned.
“Nah, you won’t, not with me at your back. Just call me The Rock.” He grinned again as she rolled her eyes.
“So I’ll see you for training on Wednesday.”
“Okay.”
He rose to leave, but she called out as he went through door leading out of North Tower.
“Toby?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
He gave a cheeky smile and blew her a kiss in return.
Chapter Nine
BETH WATCHED THE DOOR close behind him with a smile on her face. She liked Toby; in fact she liked him very much. Not in the way she liked Matt, but Toby did make her feel better somehow. Especially with his awareness of her anxiety, and the fact that he wasn’t put off by it – actually quite the opposite, he wanted to help her.
But was it enough to cope with being part of the team? On the one hand she had just told Toby that she would stay on as reserve, but what was the point really if Matt was going out with Marianne? It would be torture to be around him if he and Marianne were together. She wasn’t sure she could handle that. She was well aware that she felt jealousy of Marianne. Not just because of Matt, but because Marianne was good at football, as well as perky and pretty, and most of all because Marianne was clearly confident. Beth wished she could chat to Matt the way Marianne had. On the other hand, she really did want to spend some time with Matt, even if they didn’t talk; after all, he would never notice her at all if she wasn’t there to be noticed. Maybe when he got to know her he would like her just the way she was? And lastly, she had a sneaking suspicion that she might have become a football convert. She really wanted to play again.
DESPITE EVERYTHING that had happened, Beth still found herself excited about seeing Matt in Special Education class on Monday. Beth was full of high hopes that they would get a chance to talk in private, but Miss Grant had other ideas. She split the class into only two groups and then they were made to sit in a circle and tell their group about what kind deed they had done for another person during the week.
Beth looked at Matt with frustration. He caught the look and gave a shrug of resignation. Beth had really wanted to ask Matt if he and Marianne were a couple but she wasn’t sure how. For the next fifteen minutes she sat there listening to various other students discuss what they had done and for whom.
Beth and Matt ended up in a group with three small girls in their first year who were not settling at the school, a girl from Year Nine who had an eating disorder, a tall boy from Year Ten who stared at the floor most of the time, a girl from the year above them who suffered from some kind of viral syndrome that left her permanently exhausted and would obviously have rather still been in bed, and one of the girls from two weeks earlier who was still on her phone. Beth wondered if she had stopped looking at it at any point in between, and whether that might be related to whatever issues the girl had.
Beth quickly presented her good deed, which had been to help someone use the photocopier in the library, and commented that it hadn’t really been much of an effort.
The younger girls nodded like a row of bobbing dogs and said it was a kind thing to do and that none of them could work the photocopier.
Beth said she’d help them any time they liked, and they all gazed at her like she was wonderful, which made Beth blush and Matt chuckle.
“So, err, I stayed after P.E and helped the coach put all the basket balls away,” Matt said, as it was his turn next.
The older girl, briefly opened her eyes and gave Matt the once-over, then clearly dismissing him she said, “But someone always has to do that anyway,” and then she closed her eyes as if to further make the point and appeared to go back to sleep.
Matt exchanged an amused look with Beth. “Yeah, I don’t think the coach was particularly grateful.” He waited a moment to see if anyone had anything further to add. The tall boy switched his attention from the floor to the ceiling, and the girl on her phone ignored them as her fingers continued to fly over the keys without pausing.
Matt leaned close to Beth and lowered his voice: “I wanted to talk to you alone, but I don’t think we’re going to be given the chance. Are you okay? You just disappeared after tryouts yesterday.”
Beth nodded. “I’m fine,” she whispered, then stopped, not knowing how to continue.
They just looked at each other, smiling for no particular reason, and Beth felt her cheeks grow warm. Actually she always felt warm in Matt’s company, but in a really good way, like she would never be cold if he was around. She felt like she could spend hours just staring into those eyes, somehow communicating without words.
They both jumped when the tall boy coughed and then spoke. “I think it was a good deed because it meant someone else didn’t have to do it, so you didn’t just help the coach, you also helped whoever he would have made do it in your place.” His voice was melancholy and his eyes shifted from the ceiling to the window.
Boy Girl Games Page 4
