Sween Myth-tery of Life m-10

by Robert Asprin

  "He's mellowed a bit over the last few years," I smiled, "but I know what you mean. If it makes you feel any better, though, I hired you, so I figure you're reporting directly to me and not to him."

  Pookie cocked an eyebrow at me.

  "If that wasn't the case," she said, "I wouldn't have come along in the first place."

  I could have let it go, but my curiosity was aroused.

  "What's the problem between you two, anyway? More specifically, what's your problem with Aahz? He has nothing but the highest praise for you and your work."

  Pookie's features hardened, and she broke eye contact to stare straight ahead.

  "That's between him and me," she said stonily.

  Her attitude puzzled me, but I knew better than to pursue the subject further.

  "Oh. Well ... anyway, I'd like you to stick around if that's okay."

  "No problem from my end," she said. "Just one thing ... to ease my mind. Could we adjust my pay scale? The prices you've been paying are my premium rates for short term work. For long term employment, I can give you a discount."

  "How much?" I said quickly. As I noted before, Aahz had taught me most of what I know about money, and I had picked up some of his reflexes along the way.

  "Why don't we knock it down to the same rate as you're paying those two" she said, jerking a thumb at Guido and Nunzio. "If nothing else, it might avoid some hard feelings between us professionally."

  "Umm ... fine."

  I didn't have the heart to tell her that Guido and Nunzio were actually earning more than her premium rates. Realizing she was not only from the same dimension, but the same family as Aahz, I wasn't sure how she'd take the news. With everything else on my mind, I decided to sort it out at a later date ... like, payday.

  "Well, that takes care of me," Pookie said. "Any general orders for us?"

  "Yes. Tell Nunzio I'd like to have a word with him."

  One thing about living in a palace is that it takes a long time to walk from anywhere to anywhere, giving us lots of time to have conferences on the way to other conferences. Hey, I didn't say that it was a nice thing about living in a palace ... just a thing.

  "So what's the word, Boss?" Nunzio said, falling in step at my side.

  "Is she stayin' or goin'?"

  "What? Oh. Staying, I guess."

  "Whew! That's a relief!" he said, rolling his eyes briefly. "I'll tell you, I don't think Guido would be livable if she left right now ... know what I mean?"

  "Uh huh," I said, glancing back at his cousin ... who, judging by the grin on his face, had already heard the news. "He seems quite taken with her."

  "You don't know the half of it," Nunzio grimaced. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

  "Well, you know how you've been saying that Gleep has been acting strange lately?"

  "Yeah. So?" he said, his squeaky voice taking on a cautious note.

  "I want you to try to spend more time with him. Talk to him ... maybe take him out for some exercise."

  "Me, Boss?"

  "Sure. You get along with him better than anyone ... except, maybe, me ... and I'm going to be tied up with the kingdom's finances for a while. If there's anything wrong with Gleep, I want to find out about it before anyone else gets hurt."

  "If you say so."

  I couldn't help but notice an extreme lack of enthusiasm in his voice.

  "Yes. I say so!' I repeated firmly. "It's important to me, Nunzio, and I can't think of anyone I'd trust more to check things out for me."

  "Okay, Boss," he said, thawing a little. "I'll get right on it."

  I wanted to give him a bit more encouragement, but just then we arrived at the door to my quarters.

  "I'll wait out here, Boss, and make sure nobody else comes in for a while," Nunzio said with a faint smile as he stepped back.

  This surprised me a little, as the crew usually followed me into my room without missing a step or a syllable of conversation. Then I noticed that the others of our group had also halted short of the door and were watching me with a smile.

  I couldn't figure what was going on. I mean, so Bunny was waiting inside. So what? It was just Bunny.

  Nevertheless I took my cue, nodding at them vaguely as I opened the door.

  "SKEEVE!!"

  I barely turned around from shutting the door when Bunny charged across the room, slamming into me with a huge hug that took my breath away ... literally.

  "I was so worried about you!" she said, her voice muffled by my chest.

  "Ahh ... ack!"

  That last comment was mine. Actually, it wasn't so much a comment as a noise I made while trying to force some air into my lungs. This proved easier said than done ... and it wasn't all that easy to say!

  "Why didn't you come by the office on your way back from Perv?" Bunny demanded, squeezing even harder and shaking me slightly. "I was going out of my mind, thinking about you all alone in that terrible dimension ..."

  By ignoring what she was saying and focusing my entire consciousness on moving, I managed to slowly force one hand ... then an arm ... inside her embrace. Summoning my fast fading strength, I levered my arm sideways, breaking her grip and allowing myself a desperately needed rush of air.

  Okay. So it wasn't particularly affectionate, or even polite. It's just that I've picked up some annoying, selfish habits over the years ... like breathing.

  "What's the matter, Skeeve?" Bunny said in a concerned voice, peering at me closely. "Are you all right?"

  "UUUUH hah ... UUUUH hah ... ," I explained, realizing for the first time how sweet plain air could taste.

  "I knew it!" she snarled. "Tananda kept saying you were all right ... every time I asked she kept saying the same thing ... that you were all right. The next time I see that little ..."

  "I'm ... fine ... Really, Bunny. I'm ... fine."

  Still trying to get my lungs working on their own, I reached out a tentative finger and prodded her biceps.

  "That was ... quite a'Hello,'"I said. "I never realized ... you were so ... strong."

  "Oh, that," she shrugged. "I've been working out a little while you were gone ... like every night. Not much else to do evenings. It's an easier way to stay in shape than dieting." "Working out?"

  My breathing was almost back to normal, but my head still felt a little woozy. "Sure. You know, pumping iron?" I had never realized that simple ironing could build up a woman's arms that much. I made a mental note to start sending our laundry out.

  "I'm sorry I didn't think to check in with you," I said, returning to the original subject. "It's just that I assumed you were okay there at the office, and was in a hurry to see if the crew was okay." "Oh, I know. It's just that ..." Suddenly she was hugging me again ... gentler, this time.

  "Don't be mad at me, Skeeve," she said softly from the depths of my chest. "I just get so worried about you sometimes."

  I was surprised to realize she was trembling. I mean, it just wasn't that cold here in my room. Especially not huddled together the way we were, "I'm not mad at you, Bunny," I said. "And there was nothing to worry about ... really. Everything went fine on Perv."

  "I heard that you nearly got killed in a fight," she countered, tightening her grip slightly. "And wasn't there some kind of trouble with the cops?" That annoyed me a little. The only way she could have found out about the trouble I ran into on Perv would be from Tananda ... except I hadn't told Tananda anything about it before she headed back to the Bazaar to relieve Bunny. That meant that either Aahz or Pookie was telling people about my escapades ... and, to say the least, I wasn't wild about that.

  "Where did you hear that?" I said casually.

  "It's all over the Bazaar," Bunny explained, burrowing further into my chest. "Tananda said you were fine, but I had to see for myself after everything I heard."

  Com'on, Bunny," I said soothingly, mentally apologizing to Aahz and Pookie. "You know how everything gets exaggerated at the Bazaar. You can see I'm fine."

  She started to
say something, then turned her head as sounds of an argument erupted through the closed door.

  "What's that?"

  "I don't know," I admitted. "Guido and Nunzio said they were going to keep everybody out for a while. Maybe someone ..."

  The door burst open, and Queen Hemlock stood framed in the entryway. Behind her my bodyguards stood, and as they caught my eye gave exaggerated shrugs. Apparently royalty was harder to stop than your average assassin ... a thought that did little to cheer me realizing some of the rumors surrounding the current matriarch of Possiltum.

  "There you are, Skeevie," the Queen exclaimed striding into my room. "I was looking all over for you when I saw those thugs of yours loitering about outside and ... Who's this?"

  "Your Majesty, this is Bunny. Bunny, this is Queen Hemlock."

  "Your Majesty," Bunny said, sinking into a deep bow.

  It occurred to me that as worldly as she was in some ways, Bunny had never met a member of royalty before, and seemed to be quite awed by the experience.

  Queen Hemlock, on the other hand, was not at all overawed by meeting another commoner.

  "Why Skeeve! She's lovely!" she said, cupping Bunny's chin in her hand and raising her head to view her face. "I was starting to wonder a bit about you, what with that monstrous apprentice of yours, not to mention that lizard thing you brought back with you from wherever, but this ... It's nice to know you can find a yummy morsel when you set your mind to it."

  "Bunny's my administrative assistant" I said, a bit stiffly.

  "Why of course!" the Queen smiled, giving me a broad wink. "Just like my young men are bodyguards ... on the kingdom budget, anyway."

  "Please, Your Majesty, don't misunderstand," Bunny said. "Skeeve and I are really just ..."

  "There there, my dear," Hemlock interrupted, taking Bunny by the hands and drawing her to her feet. "There's no need to worry about me being jealous. I wouldn't dream of interfering in Skeeve's personal life before or after we're married, any more than I'd expect him to interfere in mine. As long as he does the heir thing to keep the rabble happy, it doesn't really matter to me what he does with the rest of his time."

  I really didn't like the way this conversation was going, and hastened to change the subject.

  "You said you were looking for me, Your Majesty?"

  "Oh yes," the Queen said, releasing her hold on Bunny's hands. "I wanted to tell you that Grimble was waiting to see you at your earliest convenience. I told him that you'd be giving him a hand straightening out the kingdom's finances, and he's ready to give you whatever information or assistance you need.

  Somehow, that didn't sound like the J. R. Grimble I knew, but I let it slide for the moment.

  "Very well. We'll be along presently." "Of course." The Queen smiled, winking at me again. "Well, I'll just be running along then."

  As she reached the door, she paused to sweep Bunny once more with a lingering gaze. "Charming," she said. "You really are to be congratulated, Skeeve."

  There was an uncomfortable silence after the Queen left. Finally, I cleared my throat.

  "I'm sorry about that, Bunny. I guess she just assumed ..."

  "That's the woman you're supposed to marry?" Bunny said as if I hadn't spoken.

  "Well, it's what she wants, but I'm still thinking it over."

  "And if somebody kills her, you'd feel you had to take over running the kingdom?"

  "Uh ... well, yes."

  There was something in Bunny's voice I didn't like. I also found myself remembering that while she had never met royalty before, her uncle was none other than Don Bruce, the Mob's Fairy Godfather, and that she was used to an entirely different brand of power politics.

  "I see" Bunny said thoughtfully, then she broke into her usual smile. "Well, I guess we'd better go and see Grimble and find out what kind of a mess we're really in."

  "Okay. Sure," I said, glad that the crisis had passed ... if only for the moment.

  "Just one question, Skeeve."

  "Yes, Bunny?"

  "How do you feel about 'the heir thing' as her majesty so graciously put it?"

  "I don't know," I admitted. "I guess I don't mind."

  "You don't?"

  "Not really. I just don't understand what having a haircut has to do with being a royal consort."

  Chapter Three:

  "A good juggler can always find work."

  L. PACCIOLJ

  J. R. GRIMBLE, CHANCELLOR of the Exchequer for the kingdom of Possiltum, had changed little since I first met him. A little more paunch around the waist, perhaps, though his slender body could stand the extra weight and then some, and his hairline had definitely progressed from the "receding" to the "receded" category, but aside from that the years had left him virtually unmarked. Upon reflection, I decided it was his eyes that were so distinctive as to render his other features inconsequential. They were small and dark, and glittered with the fervent light of a greedy rodent ... or of someone who spent far too many hours pouring over the tiny scribbled figures which noted the movement of other peoples' money.

  I'll give you this one ... Luca Paccioli - inventor of double-entry accounting, "Father of Bookkeeping"-R.L.A.|

  "Lord Skeeve!" he exclaimed, seizing my hand and pumping it enthusiastically. "So good to have you back. And Aahz! Couldn't stay away, eh?" He gave a playful wink at my partner. "Just kidding. Glad to see you again, too."

  "Have you been drinking, Grimble?" Aahz said bluntly.

  In all honestly, I had been wondering the same thing myself, but had been at a loss as to how to ask the question diplomatically. Fortunately, my partner's characteristic tactlessness came to my rescue.

  "Drinking?" the Chancellor blinked. "Why, no. Why do you ask?"

  "You seem a lot more cheerful than normal, is all. As a matter of fact, I don't recall your ever being happy to see either of us before."

  "Now now, let's let bygones be bygones, shall we? Though I'll admit we've had our differences in the past, we're going to be working together now ... and frankly, gentlemen, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have in my corner during our current financial crisis. I never felt at liberty to admit it before, but I've always secretly admired your skills when it came to manipulating monies."

  "Uh ... thanks, Grimble," I said, still unsure of exactly how to take his new attitude.

  "And who do we have here?"

  He turned his attention to Bunny, devouring her with his eyes like a toad edging up on a moth.

  I suddenly recalled that Aahz and I had first become embroiled in the workings of Possiltum after Grimble had picked Tananda up in a singles bar. It also occurred to me that I didn't like Grimble much.

  "This is Bunny," I said. "She's my administrative assistant."

  "Of course," Grimble shot me a sidelong, reptilian glance, then went back to leering at Bunny. "You always did have exquisite taste in ladies, Skeeve."

  Still annoyed at Bunny's treatment by Queen Hemlock, I wasn't about to let the Chancellor get away with this.

  "Grimble," I said, letting my voice take on a bit of an edge. "Watch my lips. I said she's my administrative assistant. Got it?"

  "Yes. I ... Quite."

  The Chancellor seemed to pull in on himself a bit as he licked his lips nervously, but he rallied back gamely.

  "Very well. Let me show you our expanded operation."

  While Grimble might have been essentially unchanged, physically or morally, his facilities were another matter entirely. He had formerly worked alone in a tiny, cramped cubicle filled past capacity with stacks and piles of paper. The paper was still there, but that's about all that remained the same. Instead of the cubicle, it seemed he was now working out of a spacious, though still windowless, room ... or, at least, a room that would have been spacious if he had it to himself.

  Instead, however, there were over a dozen individuals crammed into the space, apparently preoccupied with their work, which seemed to entail nothing more than generating additional stacks of paper, all cov
ered by columns and rows of numbers. They didn't look up as we came in, and Grimble made no effort to halt their work or make introductions, but I noticed that they all had the same fevered glint to their eyes that I had originally assumed to be unique to Grimble.

  "It seems that the current financial crisis hasn't caused many cutbacks in your operation," Aahz said dryly.

  "Of course not" Grimble replied easily. "That's only to be expected."

  "How's that?" I said.

  "Well, Lord Skeeve," the Chancellor smiled, "you'll find that accountants are pretty much like vultures ... we thrive when things are worse for other people. You see, when a kingdom or company is doing well, no one wants to be bothered with budgets, much less cost savings. As long as there's money in the coffers, they're happy. On the other hand, when the operation is on the skids, such as is currently the case with Possiltum, then everyone wants answers ... or miracles ... and it's up to us irritating beancounters to provide them. More analysis means more man-hours, which in turn means a larger staff and expanded facilities."

  "Charming" Aahz growled, but Grimble ignored him.

  "So," he said, rubbing his hands together like a blow-fly, "what would you like to address first? Perhaps we could discuss our overall approach and strategy over lunch?"

  "Umm ..."I said intelligently.

  The horrible truth was that, now that I was actually confronted by Grimble and his paper mountains, I didn't have the foggiest notion of how to proceed.

  "Actually, Grimble," Bunny said stepping forward, "before we think about lunch, I'd like to see your Operating Plan for the current year, the calendarized version, as well as the P and L's and Financial Statements for the last few months ... oh yes, and your Cash Flow Analysis, both the projections and the actuals, if you don't mind."

  The Chancellor blanched slightly and swallowed hard.

  "Certainly. I ... of course," he said, giving Bunny a look which was notably more respectful than his earlier attentions. "I'll get those for you right now."

  He scuttled off to confer with a couple of his underlings, all the while glancing nervously back at our little group.

  I caught Aahz's eye and raised and eyebrow, which he responded to with a grimace and a shrug. It was nice to know my partner was as much in the dark as I was regarding Bunny's requests.