Apparently he had stopped by our office on Deva looking to invite me out for lunch. When Tananda, who was currently minding the fort for us, told him where I was, he decided to pop over for a visit. (As an aside, one of his Limbo-born talents is the ability to travel the dimension without mechanical aid ... something I've always envied and wanted to learn.)
Truth to tell, I was more than a little glad to see Vie. He was one of the few in my acquaintance who was familiar with the trials and tribulations of being a professional magician, yet wasn't an actual member of our crew. Not meaning any disrespect or criticism of my colleagues, mind you, but ... well ... they were more like family and my actions and future definitely affected them, whereas Vie was a bit more able to stand apart and view things objectively. This made it a lot easier to express my feelings and problems to him, which 1 had proceeded to do, starting with Queen Hemlock's proposal and running it right up through my recent rather disheartening meeting with Luanna.
Until he brought it up, I had forgotten that he had met Luanna. In fact, he had worked with her and Matt, and consequently gone on the lam with them ... which was when I met him in the first place. As such, he knew the lady under discussion far better than I did, and my new analysis of her seemed more in line with his earlier formed opinions than with my own cherished daydreams.
"I can't say much about what you're doing with the kingdom's budgets and stuff," the vampire said with an easy shrug. "That's out of my league.
It does occur to me, though, that you're having more than your share of woman problems."
"You can say that again," I agreed, toasting him with my goblet.
"I'll admit I'm a bit surprised," Vie continued. "I would have thought that someone with your experience would have been able to side-step some of these tangles ... and definitely spotted a gold-digger like Luanna a mile away."
I hesitated for a moment, then decided to level with him.
"To be honest with you, Vie, I haven't had all that much experience with women."
"Really?" The vampire was gratifyingly surprised.
"Let's just say that while Aahz and the others have been fairly diligent about teaching me the ins and outs of business and magik, there have been certain areas of my education that have been woefully and annoyingly neglected."
"Now that I might be able to help you with."
"Excuse me?"
I had been momentarily lost in my own thoughts, and had somehow missed a turn in the conversation.
"It's easy," Vie said with a shrug. "You're having trouble making up your mind whether or not you should get married at all ... much less to Queen Hemlock. Right?"
"Well ..."
"Right?" he pressed.
"Right."
"To me, the problem is that you don't have enough information to make an educated decision."
"You can say that again," I said heavily, gulping at my wine. "What's more, between the workload here and Queen Hemlock's timetable, I don't figure I'm going to get any, either."
"That's where I think I can help you," my guest smiled, leaning back in his chair again.
"Excuse me?" I said, fighting off the feeling that our conversation was caught in an unending loop.
"What would you say to a blind date?"
That one caught me totally off guard.
"Well ... the same thing I'd say to a date that could see, I imagine," I managed at last. "The trouble is, I haven't had any experience with either ..."
"No, no," the vampire interrupted. "I mean, How would you like me to fix you up with a date? Someone you've never seen before?"
"That would have to be the case," I nodded. "I don't recall ever having met a blind person ... male or female. Not that I've consciously avoided them, mind you ..."
"Hold it! Stop!" Vie said, holding up one hand while pressing the other to his forehead.
It occurred to me that, in that pose, he looked more than a little like Aahz.
"Let's try this again ... from the top. We were talking about your needing more experience with women. What I'm suggesting is that I line you up with a date ... someone I know ... so you can get that experience. Got it?"
"Got it," I nodded. "You know someone who's
blind. Tell me, should I act any different around her?"
"No. ... I mean, yes! NO!"
Vie seemed to be getting very worked up over the subject, and more than a little confused ... which made two of us.
"Look, Skeeve," he said finally, through clenched teeth. "The girl I'm thinking about is not blind. She's perfectly normal. Okay?"
"Okay," I said, hesitantly, looking for the hook. "A perfectly normal, average girl."
"Well ... not all that normal, or average,", the vampire smiled, relaxing a bit. "She's a lot of fun ... if you get what I mean. And she's a real looker ... knock your eyes out beautiful."
"You mean I'll go blind?"
Out of my merciful nature and in the interest of brevity (too late), I'll spare you the blow by blow account of the rest of the conversation. Let it suffice to say that, by the time Vie departed, it had been established that he would arrange for me to step out with a lovely lady of his acquaintance ... one who was in full command of her senses ... sort of (that part still confused me a little) ... and who would not adversely affect my health or senses, but would, if Vie were to be believed, advance my education regarding the opposite sex to dizzying heights.
It sounded good to me. Like any healthy young man, I had a normal interest in women ... which is to say I didn't think of them more than three or four times a day. My lack of first hand experience I attributed to a dearth of opportunity, which apparently was about to be remedied. To say I was looking forward to my date would be an understatement ... a VAST understatement.
However the events of the day weren't over yet.
There was a knock at the door, but this time I wasn't going to get caught making any assumptions.
"Who is it?" I called.
"General Badaxe," came the muffled response. "I was wondering if you could spare me a moment?"
I was more than a little surprised. The General and I had never been on particularly good terms, and it was rare if ever that he called on me in my personal quarters. Casting about for an explanation, it occurred to me that he was probably more than a little upset at the cutbacks I had made in the army and military budget. In the same thought, it occurred to me that he might be out to murder me in my own room ... or, at least, mess me up a little. As fast as the idea surfaced, however, I discarded it. Whatever else the General was, he was as straightforward and non-scheming as anyone I had ever met. If he meant to do me harm, it would doubtless be on the spur of the moment when we encountered each other in the halls or courtyard of the castle ... not by stealth in my room. In short, I felt I could rule out premeditated mayhem. If he were going to kill me, it would be spontaneous ... a thought that didn't settle my mind as much as I hoped it would.
"Come in," I called ... and he did.
It was, indeed, the General of Possiltum's army, and without his namesake massive axe, for a change. Not that it's absence made him noticeably less dangerous, mind you, as Badaxe was easily the largest man I had ever met. Upon viewing him, however, I was a bit embarrassed by my original worries. Rather than the stern, angry countenance I was accustomed to, he seemed very ill at ease and uncomfortable.
"Sorry to interrupt your work, Lord Magician," he said, nervously looking about the room, "but I find it necessary to speak to you on ... a personal matter."
"Certainly, General," I said, trying to put him at his ease. Strangely, I found that his obvious discomfort was making me uneasy. "Have a seat."
"Thank you, I'd rather stand."
So much for putting him at ease.
"As you wish," I nodded. "What is it you wanted to see me about?"
I realized with some chagrin that I was falling into a formal speech pattern, but found that I couldn't help it. Badaxe seemed bound and determined to be somber, and I felt o
bligated to respond in kind.
"Well ... I'd like to speak to you about your apprentice."
"Aahz?" I said. As far as the kingdom was concerned, Aahz was my loyal student.
"What's he done now?"
"No ... not Aahz." the General clarified hastily. "I was referring to Massha."
"Massha?" I blinked. This was truly a surprise. As far as I knew, Massha and the General had always gotten along fine. "Very well. What's the problem?
"Oh, don't misunderstand me, Lord Magician.
There's no problem. Quite the contrary. I wanted to speak to you taking her hand in marriage."
On a day of surprises, this announcement caught me the most off guard.
"Why?" I sputtered, unable to think of anything else to say.
The General's brow darkened noticeably.
"If you're referring to her less than slender appearance, or perhaps the difference in our age ..."he began in a deep growl.
"No, you misunderstand me," I said hastily, cutting him off ... though once he mentioned them, both points were worth reflecting on. "I meant, why should you want to speak to me about such a matter?"
"Oh. That."
For the moment, at least, Badaxe seemed mollified. I mentally made a note to table any discussion of the two points he had raised until another time.
"It's really rather simple, Lord Magician," the General was continuing. "Though I suppose it's rather old fashioned of me, I felt I should follow proprieties and establish my good intentions by stating them in advance. Normally I'd speak to her father, but, in this case, you seem to be the closest thing to a father she has."
Now I was truly flabbergasted. Mostly because, try as I might, I couldn't find a hole in his logic. He was right. Even though she was older than me, Massha had never spoken of her family at all ... much less a father. What was more, this was one I couldn't even fob off on Aahz. Since she was my apprentice, I was responsible for her care and well-being as well as her training. If there was anyone the General should speak to on matters regarding Massha's future, it was me!
"I see," I said, stalling for time to think. "And what does Massha have to say about this?"
"So far, I haven't spoken to her directly on the subject," Badaxe admitted uneasily, "though I have reason to believe the idea wouldn't be totally unwelcome to her. Frankly, I felt that I should attempt to gain your approval first."
"And why is that?"
I was getting better at this stalling game, and questions were a handy weapon.
The General eyed me levelly.
"Come, come, Lord Magician," he said. "I thought that we had long since agreed there was no need to bandy words between us. You know as well as I that Massha has a great deal of affection for you. What's more, there is the added loyalty of an apprentice to her teacher. While I have never shied from either battle or competition, I would prefer to spare her any unnecessary anguish. That is, I feel it would aid my case immensely if, at the same time I asked her to be my wife, I could state that I had spoken with you and that you had no personal or professional objections to such a match. That is, of course, assuming you don't."
I was silent for a few moments, reflecting on what he had said. Specifically, I was berating myself for being so selfish in my thinking, of only considering the consequences to me in my decision of whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock. Even when I had been thinking of my friends and colleagues, I had been looking at it in terms of my loss of their friendship, not what it might mean to them.
"Then again, perhaps I was wrong in my assumption."
The General's words interrupted my thoughts, and I was suddenly aware that he had been waiting for a response from me.
"Forgive me, General ... Hugh," I said hastily. I had to think quickly to recall his first name. "I was simply lost in thought for a moment. Certainly I have no objections. I've always held you in the highest regard, and, if Massha is amenable, I would be the last to stand between her and happiness. Feel free to proceed with my approval ... and best wishes."
Badaxe seized my hand and pumped it hard ... unfortunately before I could pull it away in alarm.
"Thank you, Lord ... Skeeve," he said with an intensity I had only seen him express in battle planning. "I ... Thank you."
Releasing my hand, he strode to the door, opened it, then paused.
"Were it not for the fact that, assuming she agrees, of course, I expect Massha will ask you to give the bride away, I'd ask you to honor me by standing as my best man."
Then he was gone ... which was just as well, as I had no idea what to say in response.
Massha and Badaxe. Married.
Try as I might, I couldn't get my mind around the concept ... which is a comment on the limits of my imagination and NOT on their respective physical sizes, individually or as a twosome.
Finally, I abandoned the effort completely. Instead, I poured myself another goblet of wine and settled back for the far more pleasant exercise of speculating on my own upcoming date.
Chapter Eight:
"Loue is blind. Lust isn't!"
D. GIOVANI
I FOUND MYSELF experiencing mixed feelings as I prepared for my date that evening. On the one hand, I wasn't real sure about how much fun it would be spending an entire evening with a woman I had never met before. While I had a certain amount of faith in Vie not to stick me with a real loser, it occurred to me that it would be nice to have some vague idea of what she was going to look like. Heck, if she turned out to be a lousy conversationalist, the evening could still turn out okay if she was at least fun to look at.
Despite my nagging concerns, however, there was no denying I felt a certain measure of excitement as the time drew near. As Vie had observed, I didn't really have a lot of experience with dating. Specifically, this was going to be my first date ... ever. Now don't get me wrong, I knew a fair number of women, but I had met all of them in the course of business. Before I met Aahz, I had been living alone with Garkin in a shack in the woods ... which is not the greatest way to meet females. Since tying on with Aahz, my life had gotten noticeably more exciting, but there was little time for a social life. What off time I did have was usually spent with other members of our crew, and while they were good company for the most part, it left little room for outsiders. Consequently, the idea of spending an entire evening with a strange woman just to be spending time together was a real treat ... and more than a little scary.
The one variable in the whole situation I could control was me, and I was bound and determined that if anything went wrong with the evening, it wouldn't be because I hadn't put enough effort into my preparations. Money was easy. While I wasn't sure where we would be going, I figured that two or three hundred in gold would cover our expenses ... though I made a note to bring along my credit card from Perv just to be on the safe side.
Wardrobe was another matter. After changing my outfit completely a dozen times, I finally settled on the same clothes I had worn when I had my match with the Sen-Sen Ante Kid ... the dark maroon open-necked shirt with the charcoal gray slacks and vest. I figured that if it had impressed people on Deva, it should be impressive no matter where we went. Of course, on Deva, I had also been traveling with an entourage of bodyguards and assistants ... not to mention a quarter of a million in gold.
I was just considering changing my clothes one more time, when there was a knock at the door. This surprised me a little, as I had somehow expected that my date would simply appear in the room. As soon as that thought occurred to me, however, it also occurred to me that there had been an excellent chance that she would have appeared while I was changing outfits. Slightly relieved at having escaped a potentially embarrassing situation, I opened the door.
"Hi, Skeeve," Bunny said, sweeping past me into the room. "I thought I'd stop by and brief you on the latest budget developments and maybe do dinner and ... Hey! You look nice."
Needless to say, this was an unexpected ... and unpleasant ... surprise.
"Urn ... Actually
I was just getting ready to go out." I managed politely.
She took it well. In fact, she seemed to brighten at the news.
"That's a great idea!" she said. "Hang on a few and I'll duck back to my room and change and we can go out together!"
"Urn ... Bunny ..."
"To tell you the truth, I've been starting to go up the walls a little myself. It'll be wonderful to get out for a while, especially with you, and ..."
"BUNNY!"
She stopped and cocked her head at me.
"What is it, Skeeve?"
"I ... actually ... well ... I have a date."
The words hung in the air as she stared at me with eyes that had suddenly gotten very large.
"Oh," she said finally in a small voice. "I ... Then I guess I'd better be moving along."
"Wait a minute, Bunny," I said, catching her as she started for the door. "Maybe tomorrow we can ..."
There was a soft bampf in the room behind us, and we turned to discover that my date had arrived ... at least, I assumed she was my date. I could think of no other reason for a creature appearing in my room that looked like that.
She was pale, even paler than Queen Hemlock, which only served to accent the deep red lipstick she wore. She was short, though her hair nearly made up for it as it rose from the top of her head in a thick dark wave before cascading all the way down her back well past her rump. Her body was heart-stopping, abundant to the point of exaggeration on top, narrowing to an unbelievably tiny waist before flaring into her tidy hips. It would have been noticeable in any situation, but her dress made sure it wouldn't be overlooked.
It was sparkly black, and hugged her curves like it was tattooed on. The neckline plunged daringly nearly to her navel, actually lower than the slit up the side of her dress, which in turn displayed one of the shapeliest legs it's ever been my privilege to view first hand. To say the least it was a revealing outfit, and most of what it revealed was delectable.
About the only thing that wasn't visible or easily imaginable were her eyes, which were hidden by a pair of cats-eye sunglasses. As if in response to my thoughts, she removed them with a careless, graceful motion, setting them carefully atop her hairdo. I would have watched the action more carefully if I hadn't been staring at her eyes. It wasn't the heavy purple eye shadow that held my attention, it was the fact that the whites of her eyes were, in fact, blood red.
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