Deliverance

by Véronique Launier

  The harp is no longer between my hands. Instead, the guitar is. Maman has tears rolling down her cheeks.

  "Wow, Nakissa. When did you get that good?"

  I shrug.

  "That was beautiful. You must have worked so hard.” She wipes a tear from her eye. “Oh azizam, why did you never share this with me before? I'm really proud of you."

  She hugs me and I feel guilty. Like I’m deceiving her. Because she thinks I’ve been working hard, but I haven't. I haven't done anything to deserve it. Everyone is impressed with me for nothing. Well, except for Ehsan. At least he realizes I'm a fraud.

  Still tangled in Maman's embrace, I check my phone and realize he's texted me about the details of the party. He texted something else too.

  “I don't think you should play with that band anymore. It's not safe for a girl to play in public.”

  "You can go play your music at the party." Maman’s words cut through my anger. Ehsan doesn’t trust me but at least my mother does. "But please be careful. I only want you to be safe."

  I hug and kiss her.

  "Guess who texted me?"

  I shrug. I'm a little preoccupied with Ehsan’s text and was planning on hashing out the meaning behind it over and over again on the way to the party. But instead, I get to hear how the foreigner has been texting back in forth with Leyli and though he wasn't being exactly flirty, he was certainly very friendly.

  "Maybe we will get married and I will move to Canada with him."

  "What is he doing here? Why does he speak Persian? He seems suspicious, don't you think?" I don't know where it’s coming from, but I’m suddenly very jealous. And though the things I listed are weird, they are not really suspicious.

  “He’s mysterious. Don’t you love a good, sexy mystery?” She grins. “As we become closer, I’ll learn more about him and it will all make sense.” She raises her eyebrows at me and I shrug. “Maybe he’s studying? I bet you he’ll get his PhD.”

  "So that's it? Just like that you're into him now?"

  "Why shouldn't I be?"

  “I don’t know.” I try to force the pout off my face.

  "I love the new make-up by the way," Leyli says. "Much more mysterious rock star!"

  I flip the car's sun visor down to look in the mirror. When doing my makeup, I had lined my eyes a lot darker than usual. I agree it looks good but I don’t remember doing it. Actually, I can’t remember getting ready at all. I turn cold. Little by little, the girl who looks back at me from the mirror is becoming someone else. I'm losing myself.

  Tonight’s party is outside the city. How kicking is a party almost two hours away going to be? I have my reservations but Leyli is excited. She’s blasting the car stereo and singing along to the cheesy dance music. Her mood is contagious. The further we get from the city, the freer I feel.

  We kill the lights and turn onto a poorly lit lane, past a few old farm buildings. Suddenly my nerves are singing with excitement. I’ve never been to a party like this before. As we approach what used to be a nice barn I see the other cars. A few people are walking toward the building with boxes of alcohol in hand. As soon as Leyli turns off the engine I can hear the music pounding from inside.

  While still in the car I take off my scarf and manteaux. There is no point in masquerades here. Leyli and I grab each other’s hands and squeal in delight as we try to balance on our high heels on the rocky-dirt parking lot towards the barn. Ahead of us, two other girls struggle with the same issue, though they have the added disadvantages of having ultra-miniskirts they have to tug at to keep in place. We line up behind them and pay the hefty cover charge to enter. Once inside we stop, look at each other and grin.

  Now this is a party.

  The space is packed. People are dancing with their arms raised yet are still holding cigarettes and drinks in plastic cups. A DJ works from a platform on which instruments are also set up, while industrial sized speakers blast the heavy dance beats of remixed popular songs. A few other platforms spread throughout the space are home to girls dancing in small sequined numbers. Colored spotlights, strobe lights, and smoke effects completely transform the rustic barn into a top-rate European-style disco. I’ve only ever heard of parties like that before and I can’t believe how much work they’ve put into this one party.

  I scan the crowd for Ehsan not expecting to find him. But he’s standing near the entrance, leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and talking to a group of people that includes a few barely-dressed girls. So un-classy. I join him and he greets me with a brief hug and kiss. I'm not sure if the problem is with him or with me, but I’m so mad about the text and his body language with the bleach blonde bimbo standing next to him isn’t helping.

  "Why did you say that?" I ask.

  "Say what, baby?" He looks tired; I'm being too hard on him.

  "Why did you think I shouldn't join the band? Do you actually think women shouldn't perform in public? Really? You have no problem supporting men in bands but I don't remember ever hearing you listen to a woman musician." My fists are clenched so tight I can feel my fingernails digging into my palms. All I want to do is transfer that pain into him.

  His eyes widen. Why did I say that? He’s never seen me react like that. Now he’ll hate me.

  "Baby, you’re a nice girl. I'm worried about your safety, that’s all. Bad things happen in these crowds. I don’t think you understand how things are in the real world."

  "Oh." I look at my feet. I'm wearing the sparkly strap-on high-heeled sandals Leyli gave me last year but have never worn until tonight. I’d always found them too glam before, but they suit me now.

  "I'm sorry," I mumble.

  I am sorry. But I’m also still mad. I don’t know how to feel, but all of this is just not me. Not my hair. Not my clothes. And certainly not speaking my mind to my boyfriend like this. Part of me is horrified, the other is thrilled. Why shouldn’t he know how I feel?

  "It's okay, baby. Hey, I need to go talk to someone. I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

  "Sure." I try to keep the dejection out of my voice. I’m losing him. He couldn’t handle me telling him off, or maybe I’m just not cool enough. My tank top and skinny jeans are covering way more than those other girls he’s hanging out with.

  He kisses me gently on the neck and my knees buckle. It’s just enough for me to remember how sweet he can be.

  I’m still smiling from the kiss when I find Leyli in the crowd. I practically bounce over to her, but when I see she hasn't noticed me yet, I decide to sneak up on her. She's on her tiptoe craning her neck over the crowd.

  “Boo!” I jump out at her.

  “Are you drunk already?” She continues to peer over and doesn’t even look at me.

  "What are you doing?" I ask her.

  "Is that who I think it is?" She points to someone mostly obscured by the crowd.

  My heart stops.

  "Oh God! I really think it is him. Come on! Let's go talk to him. We can get his autograph. Maybe I can get him to sign somewhere... naughty." She winks at me.

  I stay put. I can’t face him. I can’t face Ramtin. Not after what he did to me. But…What did he do to me?

  Someone taps my shoulder and I jump.

  This time, she looked even more like Nagissa. Her hair was now straight and fanned around her when she twirled to face me. She almost had the same grace. I hadn't noticed that the first time we talked. She’d seemed more awkward then.

  "Hi, I'm Garnier," I gave her my hand.

  "I know," she said.

  Her wide eyes were lined in dark eyeliner making them look more cat-shaped. Her lips were glossed and poutier. My own lips tingled as I remembered wanting to kiss similar lips. Nagissa's... the idea of this girl’s lips wasn't entirely unpleasant right then either.

  "Who is that?" I motioned to the throng of people she had been looking at.

  "Ramtin." She spat out the name like it had a bad taste on her tongue. I wanted to ask her more about him, but this wasn’t the time
. I had finally found him.

  "Excuse me." I went to join the crowd.

  Nakissa's friend recognized me and called me over to her side. "This is Ramtin." She almost purred out his name like a cat would. It seemed no one was indifferent to him.

  I didn’t have a plan. After all the effort I made to find him, now I didn’t know how to proceed. Guillaume would say it’s just like me. But I’d thought I'd find him at some secret lair where everything would come together. Instead, he was exactly where I had been looking for him.

  "Hey!" I called out to him.

  He turned slowly and raised one eyebrow. Why did super-villains or really cool people always do that? Was it part of some obscure teaching I wasn't aware of? Wasn't I cool enough to raise one eyebrow?

  "I know you." His voice betrayed no emotion.

  "Last we met was in Montreal."

  "Oh, right! One of Aude's little boyfriends. How is she doing?"

  I faltered. She was still missing. My family was disappointed in me for not going back to look for her. I was disappointed in myself. After Guillaume had yelled at me over the telephone before I came here tonight, I’d been so annoyed with his self-righteousness. I thought I should stay here, maybe until I ran out of essence and turned to stone. Maybe forever. He’d said I was being selfish. But stopping everything to find one girl who benefits only us wasn’t selfish? He’d said nothing was as important as Aude. But everything couldn't rely on one girl, could it?

  Yet, hearing Aude’s name from Ramtin’s lips made me want to find her and make sure she was safe.

  I tried to look cool and shrugged. "She's okay."

  "Really?" he cocked his head to the side. "Last I heard, she had been in some trouble."

  "What did you hear?" I pushed myself up against him and grabbed him by the collar. Out of nowhere, four large men with massive amounts of essence (and muscles) pulled me away from him. They dragged me through the party and right out the door.

  I needed to know what he knew. Suddenly my hunt for Ramtin made sense. It was no longer about me doing my own thing or getting away. It was about helping my family. I paced the ground between the horse stables and the barn and tried to decide my next course of action. Ramtin's words reinforced my weak decision to stay behind.

  He could be responsible for Aude's disappearance. At the very least, he knew something about it.

  When the party-barn’s door opened again, I readied myself to face Ramtin, but instead came face to face with the girl from my past.

  She didn't say anything at first. Only watched me. Her lips were set and her eyes sparkled with life even while she stood with her arms crossed against her chest. That was so Nagissa.

  She opened her mouth a few times, frowned and said nothing. Finally she walked to the fence by the stables and rested her forearms on it watching the horses.

  I joined her. "Nakissa?"

  The moonlight highlighted her silky uncovered hair. "I don't like him. I don't know why but I just don't trust him. You're connected to him, somehow, yet I feel I can trust you. Why is that?"

  I didn't know what to answer her. I wasn't entirely sure about her myself. She seemed to be on my side. She reminded me so much of Nagissa it hurt. But who was she really?

  Ramtin was powerful. One usually didn't accumulate so much power without deception. She was tied to Nagissa. And whether I liked it or not, Nagissa was infinitely tied to Ramtin. It's why I had left her. Why I continued on my travels along the Silk Road. If her heart had been free, I may have stopped in Esfahan for a long time. Maybe I would never have left.

  "They didn't hurt you, did they?" Her crooked, almost teasing smile wasn't Nagissa's but all her own. She stepped closer to me and, after a quick look around to see if anyone was watching, took my arm in her hands, examining it. "I think you'll live."

  I smiled. I couldn't help but like her. At first I'd thought my attraction was due to her link, whatever it was, to the girl from my past, but there was something more. She was vulnerable and open in that human way I always tried to imitate.

  While still holding my arm, she blinked a few times and frowned as if she had a headache or a disturbing thought.

  "Garnier? What are you doing back in Iran? Why didn't you say good bye when you left?"

  Despite myself, a chill crept up my arm.

  "Nagissa?"

  She shook her head slightly. "Nakissa." A small humorless laugh escaped her lips. "How come you have such a difficult time pronouncing it?"

  Something big had happened, but I didn't know what it was. And it was already over. She was the same girl I’d known her to be. Never mind that for a moment I had been entirely certain she was someone else.

  "Are you okay?" I asked. She didn't seem completely steady on her feet.

  "Yes, I think so. I'm just very tired." She cocked her head to the side and gnawed on just a little corner of her lips. The gesture was so human.

  "Do you want a ride home?"The night air was becoming chilly and though I could handle it without much complaint, I would be more comfortable in my rental car. From the way she rubbed her arms, I imagined she would be too.

  "I should find Leyli... but I doubt she'll be ready to go." She looked at the closed door. “And for some reason I’m just not feeling the party like I was earlier. I’m ready to head out of here.” She paused and took her mobile from her pocket. "You know what? I’ll just text her."

  Leyli will kill me. I’ve ditched her and Ehsan at the party and am taking off in her crush's car. But it’s cold outside and it's not like she went out to talk to him after we saw Ramtin’s bodyguards kick him out. I don't know why I followed him but it seems we have some sort of connection.

  Because I'm attracted to him doesn’t mean I'm trying to get somewhere with him. I'm a good girl. And though I should be worried about getting into a stranger’s car, especially out here in the middle of nowhere, I didn’t get any weird or creepy vibes from him.

  My phone dings so I check it. It’s a text from Leyli.

  “You'll never guess who I'm with and you're a bitch.”

  I start typing a smart ass reply but stop. I'm not exactly sure if Leyli is kidding or not.

  "What's wrong?" Garnier asks me.

  I open my mouth to tell it's nothing, but then I look at him. I know him. I can tell him anything and everything. Maybe if I open myself to him I won’t lose him again. Not that he’s mine or has ever been mine. Why did I think that? Something strange is going on and he’s at the center of it all. Garnier’s still waiting for my answer.

  "Leyli called me a bitch and I'm not sure if she’s serious or not."

  "Oh." He scratches the back of his neck. He doesn't know what to say and his awkwardness makes me laugh.

  "I like you like this," he says. "Laughing. She didn't laugh much..."

  "Who?"

  He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. About your friend..."

  Nope, doesn’t matter that he’s comparing me to an ex-girlfriend or something.

  “I’ll just ask her what she means.” That’s the mature thing to say, I think.

  I quickly type up a message.

  “Who are you with and what's wrong? :( ”

  She doesn’t answer and we continue driving along the deserted road back into the city. Our tired silence is interrupted now and again by talk of music and American pop culture. And by the time Leyli answers me, we are back in the city proper.

  “I'm with Ramtin. He's so sweet. But he had wanted to watch YOU play.”

  I'm not sure if she's mad at me because it was me he was hoping to see, or because I'm not there. A tiny worry creeps into my thoughts. Will Leyli be okay with Ramtin? I let it go. She’s strong and resourceful. She can take care of herself. Just because I don’t like Ramtin doesn’t mean he’s dangerous. I type up a quick apology (even though I'm not sure what I'm apologizing about) and return my attention to Garnier.

  "She's with Ramtin. I guess she's upset because he wanted to see me play."

  "Do yo
u encounter him often?"

  "Who? Ramtin? No, of course not. This isn't really my crowd."

  "I didn't think so."

  What does he mean by that? Did I stick out with these other guys? Am I not cool enough? Sophisticated enough? I cross my arms. No one takes me seriously.

  The car jerks abruptly a few times and the motion really grinds on my nerves. We’ve been mostly at a standstill in traffic for the past few minutes.

  "What are you doing?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "Why aren't you driving?"

  Garnier points to the cars zigzagging into place in front of him. "This is insane. They don't give me a chance to --"

  "What? The traffic isn't even that bad at this time. Let me..."

  I grab hold of the steering wheel and stand up in the car, to give him a chance to scoot over to my seat. “I’ll take over.”

  He just looks at me.

  "Take my seat," I insist.

  He hesitates for a few more seconds during which time a few more cars have slid in position ahead of us.

  "Come on."

  He finally listens to me and tries to slide over to my seat. Of course, his foot gets stuck on the hand brake and he ends up pressed against me, pushing me flat against the windshield. I can just imagine what would happen if the morality police saw us in that position.

  After a few attempts he drops to the passenger seat and I take the driver's seat. I adjust the seat and mirror, and immediately find an opening to squeeze through. Garnier's sharp intake of breath leads me to believe he didn't think we’d make it.

  At least he’s no longer gripping to the side of the car by the time we reach my home.

  "Thanks for the ride." I smile.

  He laughs. "Thanks for teaching me how to drive in Tehran traffic."

  "That wasn't traffic."

  "It is where I come from."

  I shrug. But I’d like to see where he comes from. Ehsan sometimes mentions his cousins in Vancouver but my family is mostly still here, other than an uncle in Europe and a few distant cousins in Australia.