Deliverance

by Véronique Launier

  Only one thought. One need drives me. I walk towards him and try to pull him up. He doesn’t help me. I can’t leave him there but I can’t save him either. Finally he stops fighting me. He stops fighting. One thing drives me; Garnier cannot die. I don’t know where I’m going, or how to get there. I just need to get far away from where Ramtin is. But I can’t think of that. I can’t think of anything except how hopeless it is. How heavy Garnier is. I can’t continue dragging him.

  We have to rest. I don’t know if we’re safe. I’d thought I was making us safe, but I can’t see how it could work. I can’t see how anything could work. I’m failing Garnier. I’m failing myself too. Whatever is left of me.

  I drag him off the street. Into the inner walls of an old apartment building. I don’t know if anyone still lives there. I don’t want to know. In a way, I just want it to be all over. I have so little left. But I have Garnier. Is he sleeping or is he dead?

  I prop him against the wall and stare at him for about thirty seconds. He’s the only thing I have left. He has to be alive. I grab his hand. It doesn’t feel like the hand of a corpse. I feel for his pulse. My whole body is shaking so I drop his hand a couple times. Finally I find it. It’s there. Steady. Something inside me grows. It’s not bright enough to call it hope. But it’s coming from that core where I have this little ball of me left.

  I can’t let go of that me. But I can’t let it grow too big either. I can’t get their attention. I just want to close my eyes. I want to stop caring. But Garnier stirs.

  My eyes could open, but I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to continue. I wasn’t me anymore, just a body. What was left of who I had been was so small it only teased me. I couldn’t keep living like this. I couldn’t continue. It wasn’t fair.

  I wrapped the darkness around myself. Even this was too difficult. Took too much out of me. I’d had a long life, why shouldn’t I just let go of it now?

  “Wake up Garnier.”

  Nakissa’s voice was dull but painful. Like being stabbed by a butter knife. It woke me up. Though barely. Could I hold on for her? I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t know if I wanted to. Why should I continue to give of myself for others? Maybe I’d already given everything I had to give.

  I’d lost Marguerite. I’d lost Vincent. I’d even lost Guillaume in a way. We did everything together but first Marguerite, then Aude came between us. I even lost Aude. And I was tired. So tired of holding on to who I was. Tired of smiling and joking and pretending everything was alright. Guillaume was allowed to be dark and broody but I was expected to be happy. To be normal.

  Hands wrapped around mine but didn’t warm me. Whose hands were these that were even colder than mine? I tried to focus and remembered Nakissa had been with me. She slumped down next to me, her shoulders touched mine slightly. Just enough that I could feel her shivering. I wanted to save her. I wanted to be strong and take what I want.

  I let everyone take everything from me. I hadn’t fought for Nagissa the first time around. I hadn’t even fought for Marguerite. I never let her know how she hurt me; instead I acted strong. I did it for me. For my pride. But all along I told myself I did it for them. So they could be happy together without worrying about me. It never worked. Guillaume had been weighed down by his guilt. Then he met Aude and something about her lit a spark in both of us, but I never even allowed myself to like her. I had never fought for anyone and I couldn’t fight for Nakissa. Not now. I couldn’t. I had to fight for myself first. I had to deserve her.

  I held on tightly to the realization. That was me. That was how I could stay myself. I closed my eyes. I slowed my breathing and held on. It was my weakness that made me strong. It was how much I gave to others. But I needed to learn to do for myself what I did for others. I needed to believe the Garnier other people saw was real.

  When her shoulder stopped quivering, I couldn’t wait anymore. She had done something and it had saved us. Barely. Now I needed to save us. I needed to reverse it. But I didn’t have the energy to cast my essence. In fact, if I lost any more essence I would turn to stone.

  I opened my eyes and moved to my knees. My hands squeezed her cold ones.

  “Nakissa?” Her name barely escaped my lips.

  Her eyes were empty. She was empty.

  “I can’t do it.” I whispered to her.

  “We should give up,” she said.

  “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s me Ramtin wants dead. He’s spared you before. He’ll do it again. You could save yourself.” She pulled her hands away from mine and wrung them together. “If I go to him alone you could escape him.”

  “Nakissa. You did something to save us, and it worked, I think. But you need to undo it now.”

  “I can’t.” She let herself fall so she lay in a fetal position on her side. “He’s coming. We have to give up.”

  Garnier shakes my shoulder. His movements are slow, listless. He won’t let me sleep but he’s not feeling any better than I am. Of course he wouldn’t. I sent his essence off. I sent the Jinn towards an unsuspecting person and now what? It wasn’t gone. I still held on to it. How did the Jinn not get to him already?

  Something had distracted them. I roll up to my knees and use the wall to support myself upright. I can only think of one thing. One person. Ramtin interrupted them. They’re coming back for us and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t save us. I can’t save Leyli.

  I have nothing to live for.

  Something burns inside me. A contradiction. What about my family? I’m not alone anymore. I have ties. Strong human ties. It would devastate them if something was to happen to me. I have to save Leyli. And I have to save Garnier.

  I grab hold tight of the essence I had taken from him and slam it into him, pausing for a half a breath before doing the same with mine. If Ramtin didn’t know where we were before, he does now. I’m dizzy but I don’t have time for that.

  “Garnier!”

  His eyes open. The whites are red and glossy. The distant look is different now. He’s in pain. I put my hand on his forehead. He has a fever. Since when do Gargoyles get fevers? He squints his eyes at me and I see something more than the pain. More than the fever and the fear.

  I don’t think about it. I throw my arms around him and hold him tightly against me. When his breathing sounds normal I pull away to look at him.

  His smile is weak but it’s all I need. I bring my lips to his. They are cold at first, but warm up. Soon he’s kissing me back. He’s warmer and warmer and I remember he’s feverish. I make a half-serious attempt to pull away but he pushes back against me. My head becomes light and that spot in my chest tightens and expands.

  His eyes open again and they seem clearer. He still feels warm to the touch but not as feverish. He gently untangles himself from me.

  “What happened?”

  And it all comes rushing back to me. “We have to get away from here.”

  I grab his hand and pull him with me. Our footsteps echo the fast rhythm beating in my chest. Fear and exhilaration combine into a new, almost pleasant, sensation. His hand is deliciously warm in mine. Our pace is steady. As we move away from the worst parts of the neighborhood, we begin encountering people. People who notice the way our hands are locked together. But I can’t allow myself to pull away from him. Not yet. Anyway, I’m a witch now. Let them try to stop me from doing what I want.

  Finally, as we approach the subway station, he’s the one who detaches himself from me. He leans against a wall and catches his breath.

  “I think if our goal is to get away… we’ve attracted enough attention... We need to be more careful.” His words are interrupted by heavy breathing. He’s not well. I saved him, but he still needs help. A Gargoyle shouldn’t be in such bad shape.

  He can’t go back to his hotel. But I can only think of one place I feel safe. In a way, it’s the last place anyone would expect me to bring a boy. I need to bring him home.

  Maman frowns when we walk in the door, but the
expression doesn’t last long. She sees he’s hurt and the doctor in her quickly takes over. She leads him to the couch and sits him down.

  She looks him over briefly and turns to me with a dead serious expression. “What in the world did you get yourself involved with?”

  “We were attacked.” I hope she won’t want more detail. How would I even begin to explain all this to Maman?

  “By what? Jinn? I can’t heal this type of wound.”

  I freeze. Maman believes in Jinn. Maman, the rational one. The physician.

  “Don’t look at me like that. I would like to think you’re intelligent enough to know what you’ve been dealing with.”

  I swallow and nod.

  “How serious are you about healing him?”

  “Very serious.” I avoid eye-contact.

  “We will need to summon one to heal him.”

  “One what? A Jinni?”

  “Names are powerful. I know the name of one, but…”

  “But what?”

  Maman sits next to Garnier and looks at her hand. “But you need to understand what you’re getting involved with.”

  “Maman, I’m already involved.”

  “This isn’t something to take lightly Nakissa jan. When I got involved… Well… Agha joon was dying. I was desperate and some of the girls spoke of the better than us creatures. They were mostly spooky stories to scare each other, but I heard other stories too. Stories about them helping people. So I spoke to some more superstitious mullahs. Every one of them warned me against it, but I couldn’t think of anything else. I became obsessed with the idea. Eventually, I found a wise woman who agreed to show me how to summon them.” Maman exhales. “I saved your grandfather. But there was a price.”

  “What price?”

  “They said once I had my own family, I would have to let go of one of them. It was easy to give up something I didn’t know yet. Sometimes I wonder if your father would still be alive if I hadn’t made that deal.”

  “Baba died in an accident. It can’t be the Jinn.”

  Maman shrugs. “I don’t know. In a way I hope it was, otherwise I’m still waiting for them to exact payment. You have to understand, Nakissa, a deal with the Jinn isn’t something to take lightly.”

  I look at Garnier. I would give up almost anything for him, but how will my mother ever understand?

  “There’s more to the story isn’t there?” Maman looks between us. She moves to the end of the couch furthest from Garnier and motions for me to sit next to her. Between them. I sit carefully and stare awkwardly and my hands. She takes a piece of hair and pushes it behind my ear. “There’s always been something other-worldly about you. I tried to ignore it for a long time. Then, I thought it was just something residual from me. From my dealings with the Jinn. But there is more.

  “I’m not sure if you remember that Leyli’s mother and I used to be close. The reason we barely speak to each other now is because of something that happened when you were seven. She took you to her own mother in her village to have your fortune read. I didn’t agree, but I went along with it. If anything, I would prove to her that she was crazy to believe in these things. And it was a road trip. Some excitement. It was before I met Bijan. I needed excitement, then.”

  She sighed. “But what happened freaked me out. You should have seen them. The villagers chanted and shook their hair. At first it was funny, but it became creepy. Their eyes lost the life in them. They said they were coming closer to God, but to me it seemed they were closer to the other-world creatures.

  “They had you in the middle of them. Your eyes were so wide and I felt so bad that I couldn’t protect you. And the women began to wail. They said you weren’t a human child but a demon in disguise. They said I should drown you or abandon you. How could they say that about a seven year old child? Khanom Abbasi didn’t say anything. She simply stood there. We never talked again, but I saw the looks she gave me from that day on. The looks she gave you.”

  I don’t know what to say. Leyli’s family had wanted me dead. They’d known about what I really am and they thought I should die. I rub the goosebumps on my arms. Would Maman want me dead too if she really understood?

  “Maman, I have to do this. I have to save him.”

  She presses her lips together and gives me a firm nod. “I trust you, Nakissa jan.” She laughs self-consciously. “I always thought if I kept you far away from the supernatural, it wouldn’t touch you, but there is no stopping it, is there? I can help you summon the Jinn. I have a name. I can compel him to help.”

  “We can call Pareen,” Garnier and I say at once.

  I’m not surprised that Garnier knows about Pareen. Our lives have interconnected so much. Maman nods.

  “We have to make the preparations, but I’m afraid we don’t have much time.”

  Garnier seems fine to me. I wonder what Maman sees that I don’t, so I look at him closer and I see the wounds then. The places where essence escapes him.

  “I wish you would have time to fast properly but I’m scared you don’t. Have you eaten any meat today?”

  I shake my head.

  “Don’t look at me like this,” Maman says. “It’s more than just modern medicine that makes me a good doctor.”

  I’m in a dark empty room by myself. The only furniture is a chair in one corner. The windows are blacked out and though I know there are other people in the apartment, I feel completely isolated from them. I’m also hungry. Though the sun is about to set and I should be able to break my fast with vegetarian food, Maman has advised against it. She says we should take whatever precautions we can.

  It’s almost time, so I pour rose water in all four corners of the room, and make sure to freshen the incense being burned. I draw a large circle in the middle of the floor like we’ve practiced and write several verses from the Koran along with some other runes whose meanings are unclear to me. All I know is that all this stuff is supposed to protect me, but it all seems a bit much to me, like those cheesy Hollywood witchcraft movies. Still, there’s a certain aesthetic pleasure to it all. The curves on curves are reminiscent of the great arches and domes of Eastern architecture. I’m pleased with my handiwork. I step into the circle and close it, then sprinkle iron shavings along the perimeter.

  My heartbeat resonates in my ears. Otherwise, the room is silent. I know Pareen’s hidden name from my old memories so I don’t need to wrestle with Jinn to get to her. It should be relatively straightforward. Relatively safe.

  Though a part of me has been involved in the supernatural for millennia, this still seems like diving into a completely different world. And for the human part of me, it’s unreal. I know that once I do this, the world will forever change for me. I will be open to other experiences and will be forever marked by the other-world. Not that they hadn’t already marked me.

  I tuck in the loose edges of my scarf and run my fingers along them to make sure all my hair is covered. Some Jinn can be tempted and distracted by a woman’s hair, and I don’t want to leave anything to chance.

  Finally, all my preparations are done. Night has fallen and the only thing left for me to do is to summon Pareen. The ornate iron dagger weighs my hand down and I hope that it’s used for symbolism and not to defend myself. I focus on the chair and begin a cycle of repetition. The words seem ridiculous on my tongue but I don’t break the cycle. I repeat them over and over. The air thickens and I sway slightly. I’m dizzy from the heavy incense and lack of food. The runes and diagrams at my feet seem to sway too. Though the room is completely black and I should not be able to see them, they emit a slight light blue glow. Like essence.

  Suddenly I feel them. Several presences are vying for my attention. They seem angry or agitated but they don’t breach my circle of protection. Likewise, I don’t breach my chanting. This is a test of my strength and determination. There is no turning back now. I have opened myself to the other-world. I need to see it through.

  My head hurts. A throbbing pain accentuates ever
y syllable I utter. I clutch the dagger tighter and the creatures move. I can’t tell if they move towards me or away and I don’t even know what they look like. I simply feel their energy. And it’s anything but calm.

  I breathe deeply and continue reciting the words Maman told me. They are simple. I don’t have to focus too much on them, so I focus on the chair instead. Finally, once I’m done, I call her. I use her secret name.

  I close my eyes and when I open them, Pareen is sitting regally on the chair. She has one leg crossed over her knee and her hands on her lap. She looks like a queen. A very angry queen.

  When Nakissa finally came out of seclusion, she looked half Jinn herself. Somehow in the few hours since I’d last seen her, she’d lost weight. Her eyes had dark rings under them and her hair seemed dull and brittle.

  She didn’t say a word, stepped right up to me, and placed her hand on my chest. Her mother came up behind her and placed her hands on Nakissa’s shoulder while the latter healed me. The essence was unlike anything I’d ever felt. It was thick, like blood. But it had a strong, bright quality, too. Another feeling possessed me as her hand touched my body. A feeling that intensified the stronger I became. This feeling was much closer related to being a man than being a supernatural creature.

  Once fully healed, I didn’t know how I would resist her. How I would stop myself from touching my lips on hers, and on her neck and on… It was very warm in this apartment.

  I pushed myself away from her hand.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  She nodded and curled herself up in a ball on the other end of the couch. As if she was trying to keep herself as far away from me as possible. Of course she would, her mother was there. I couldn’t take it personally.

  I wished she would speak. I wanted to know what had happened in there. I needed to know more. If there was anything we could use to save Leyli and Aude. To save the world. Was it too much for me to expect? I was more than human, but my whole life had been spent protecting one witch, and even that seemed impossible to do at times.