Unsteady (The Torqued Trilogy Book 1)

by Shey Stahl

  As soon as he comes through the door, he pauses and looks around. It’s as if he’s memorizing this moment. Like he needs to remember this exact place in time.

  When he came home.

  When he survived.

  Turning his stare to me, we both stand and soak in the sight of each other, my heart in my throat. There’s so much I want to say to him. So many things I’ve already said, but feel as though I need to say them again and again. To make him understand how sorry I am and how happy it makes me that he’s forgiven me for the hell I had brought to his life.

  We continue to stare and as he cautiously approaches me and places a warm palm on my cheek, looking into my eyes. All I can see is acceptance and adoration. “Hey,” he whispers.

  Oh God, that whisper.

  I sigh, nearly sinking to my knees. “Hi.”

  Leaning down, he kisses my cheek, brushing his beard against my face. He decided not to shave in the hospital and he rocks the beard thing so well that I might have to ask him to keep it for a while.

  Feeling him this close, the warmth of his skin, the way his whiskers tickle my cheek, I can’t help the chill that shivers down my spine.

  Too soon, before we have a chance to say anymore, Tyler comes over and helps Red get settled on the couch. “Come on, bud. You should sit.”

  It’s cute seeing Tyler so attentive to his best friend. I think in some ways he feels a little guilty too.

  Nova must hear everyone’s voices because she comes barreling down the hallway.

  She stops just short of Red and cautiously looks him over. Slowly examining him from head to toe. “Are you okay daddy?” she asks in a voice so small.

  His smile is wide, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. “Yes darling, I’m okay. Daddy’s just sore and needs a little more time to get better.”

  Nova still doesn’t move, rooted an arm’s reach from where Red stands with Tyler by his side.

  “Okay, well do you think you could come outside with me and watch me play?”

  Mia looks as if she is going to step forward to maybe tell Nova to give Red some time to get settled, but Red raising his hand slightly as if to signal her that he can do this. “Sure, darlin’. I’ll just sit on the porch and you can play while I watch, okay?”

  A huge smile comes across Nova’s face. “Yay! Come on, Daddy!”

  Once Red is settled in a chair outside, Nova gets to work explaining everything single thing she’s done since he’s been gone. You would think he was gone for three months instead of three weeks, but then again to a five-year-old, having her father shot in front of her and then to be away from him for so long, it probably feels like a lifetime.

  I stand at the backdoor watching. Watching Red as he talks with Tyler and Rawley while Nova entertains them, looking for any signs that he’s in pain or needs something. I’m so engrossed in my stalking I don’t even notice when Mia walks up beside me.

  “How’s everything going?” I jump at the sound of her voice, turning around to face her.

  “Okay, I guess.” I shrug, trying to remain nonchalant around his mother. “I left her with Rawley for an hour and Raven and I came back to her inside of a wagon, ready to go down a half pipe with a pillow strapped to her chest and a helmet to her head.”

  She laughs, as though she’s not surprised by this at all. “With who?”

  “The little boy across the street. Oliver. He said he wanted to make her fly.” I keep my voice low because the last thing I want is for Red to know his daughter was up to no good today.

  “Sounds like him. Nova’s been talking about him lately. I think she calls him Ollie, right?”

  I nod. “Yeah that’s him. Nova’s mentioned him like five times this week and for her to do that, he must be pretty special.”

  Laughter in the backyard catches my attention and I turn to look for Red.

  Mia follows my line of sight and I can see absolute love she has in her eyes for her son. “It’s okay to be in love with him you know?” Mia tells me.

  I sigh, the pressure building in my chest at the conversation twist. Leaning back against the door frame, I smile. “I know it is and I am, very much so,” I tell her. “It’s the last thing he needs though. I’ve brought nothing but trouble to his life, and even though I know it’s incredibly selfish of me, I still can’t help that I’m in love with him.”

  “None of what happened was your fault Lenny,” Mia assures me. “You didn’t do anything. It wasn’t within your control.”

  “How can you say that?” My voice is timid, even though I try for it not to be. “Ben was here, for me. How is that not my fault?”

  Mia looks at me intently, as if by her stare she wants to convince me of one thing. I know where Red got that stare from now. “Just because Ben came after you, doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his actions. Nothing that happened means you don’t deserve to fall in love with my son. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to love you back, and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t be there for Nova, because that little girl out there, she’s fallen for your Lenny and that doesn’t come easily for her.”

  I think about her words, flip them around in my head before I say, “Nova told me her mommy sent me to them.”

  Mia smiles tenderly, her stare moving back to Nova and her wild curls. “They’ve been waiting for you for a while. You all deserve to be happy. Let yourself have this.” And then she reaches over to hug me whispering in my ear. “He needs someone to help him love again.”

  As we part, I scrutinize Red’s pain level looking for any sign of discomfort. While I know he wants to stay outside all night and watch Nova, it’s clear by the way he’s so stiff, he’s starting to feel the effects of sitting upright in a hard chair. Tyler notices too and we decide to move everyone inside where Red can be more comfortable.

  “Can I help you with the spaghetti?” Nova asks, wiping dirt from her face as she walks into the kitchen.

  “Of course.” I help her up onto the stool beside the stove and tie her apron on her.

  “I think my daddy loves you,” Nova whispers, stirring the sauce with me, our hands over one another.

  I kiss the side of her temple breathing in her rich honey scent. “Why would you say that?” My heart beats faster at the words, wondering how she can tell something like that. She’s a child.

  “Because I know,” she says, keeping her eyes on the pan. “Auntie says love scares Daddy.”

  It scares me too.

  “Now that daddy’s home, are you gonna leave?”

  “I’m not sure. It’s up to daddy.”

  She smiles. “I think he wants you to stay.”

  Glancing over my shoulder, I catch Red’s stare and he winks at me.

  I hope he wants me to stay because the idea of leaving the two of them isn’t something I ever want to think about.

  HOURS LATER, EVERYONE is sitting around Red’s kitchen table, laughing and enjoying each other, and it’s easy to believe everything’s going to be okay. The spaghetti was a big hit and Nova was so excited about the strawberry shortcake that I thought she was going to bounce right out of her seat. Red even remarked about how good the biscuits were and asked if I baked them from scratch. This of course gave me justification to stick my tongue out and throw an “I told you so” look Raven’s way.

  The warmth it brings to my heart, looking around and seeing the happiness in this room, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt. The sense of family and togetherness is something I never even dared to dream about in the past. Now I can

  After dinner’s finished and the table is cleared, everyone begins to say their goodbyes, as if they know Red needs to rest.

  Mia claims she’s tired from a long day, while Raven and Tyler say they’re heading over to Murphy’s to watch Rawley’s band play.

  And just like that, I’m alone with Red.

  Poor Nova had been so excited for him to come home, she fell asleep right after dinner on floor underneath the coffee table.

  “
I would carry her to bed, but I might just fall over,” he teases, attempting to stand up, and then gives up. “I’m just gonna sit here for a few more minutes.” It’s then he notices a drawing on the table.

  “Nova drew this for you today.” I push the drawing toward him. It’s one of the three of us walking in a park and her mom in the clouds.

  Red eyes glaze over with what looks like tears threatening as he tears his eyes from the drawing. His lips part and he heaves in a long-winded breath, then blows it out slowly.

  Seeing him emotional, I can feel the tears threatening, but I swallow, attempting to push them down. “I don’t know that I can ever truly make you understand how sorry I am about all of this. I never meant to hurt you, or Nova. I swear I never meant to bring you into this.”

  My statement seems to bring him out of his thoughts as he looks to me like he’s confused. “I can’t tell you the thoughts I had when I walked into the shop and saw him holding a gun to your head, and my daughter at your feet. I thought….” He breaths out, slowly, shaking his head. “I thought that was the end, again. The idea of losing you, too, wasn’t something I was going to accept. I couldn’t. With Nevaeh, I had no control. Finally I was in a position to do something. I was so amped on adrenaline I don’t even know what was happening around me in those minutes. All I knew what I had to get that gun away from him.”

  The night flashes in my head, the images that haunt my dreams surfacing of Ben grabbing Nova by the hair and her screaming.

  “I know.” I swallow, tears stinging my eyes. As much as I want to move on from that night, this conversation is one we need to have.

  “Hey, listen,” he reaches out and touches my hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” But then he asks, “Remember when I said I’d be anything you needed me to be?”

  “Yes.”

  “I need to revise what I said.”

  “Okay.” My heart beats erratically. I’m not sure where he’s going with this.

  “I’ll be anything we need. I can’t save you. Hell, I don’t even know if I can save myself. But I might be able to make this work between us. I think that maybe we can save each other.”

  The truth of what he’s saying and the love I see in his stare give me the strength I need. “I think we can.”

  A huge smile lights his face and I can’t help but smile back because that smile is for me. “Can I start by kissing you?”

  “I’d like that.”

  As I move closer so my face is only inches from his, Red leans in carefully, his lips pressing to the pulsing hollow at the base of my throat, leaving my mouth burning with fire I desperately wanted him to put out.

  I need his lips on me. Everywhere.

  He’s slow, taking his time as he sears a path up my neck and over my jaw claiming my lips. His tongue traces the soft fullness of my lips covering mine hungrily. We kissed in the hospital, a few times. But it was nothing like this.

  I return his kiss with reckless abandonment, probably a little too eager. Just the touch of his lips on mine sends a shock wave through my entire body.

  Careful of his injuries, I pull him tighter against my chest. He winces, jerking away from me an inch and then I’m afraid I’ve hurt him so I draw back suddenly and stand in front of him. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

  As I stand there, he stares at me for what seems like the longest minute ever. Thinking I’ve hurt him more than he’s leading on, I reach over to his bag from the hospital on the chair to retrieve his pain pills. “Here, maybe you should take one of these.”

  He swallows, snapping himself from his trance. His voice is quiet, shattering the silence between us. “I’m okay.” Reaching for the two pills, he then takes the glass of water I hand him. “You don’t need to baby me.”

  “I’m happy to help.” I shrug, trying to appear calm and collected as I sit down in the chair next to him. “Nova was a lot of fun these last couple of weeks. That kid is something else. I mean, she’s just so strong.”

  Red nods and looks at the floor. His eyes seem darker, vulnerable, but alive when he sees me, in his house, caring for his daughter. Or maybe the kiss got to him too. I’d like to think so. The few kisses we shared in the hospital were nothing short of amazing, but still, being here in his house is different. “Thank you for all your help this week.”

  “It was the least I could do,” I joke, attempting to make fun of myself.

  He nods again, and we both stare at the million drawings Nova made for him. The one in front of him matches the ones on the walls, but instead of drawing just her dad and herself in them, I’m in each one, her angel mommy looking over the three of us. It’s enough to bring tears to my eyes.

  “We got a little carried away with the coloring the other night,” I say, unsure how he’s going to take it.

  Red nods again, blinking a few times as if he was trying to figure out what was happening. “Again, I really can’t thank you enough for watching over her. She’s so happy with you here.”

  I’m happy here too, and I know he can see that. It’s in my smile. But even with that happiness, I still need to be honest with him and tell him more than what I told him in the hospital.

  “Red.” I lower my lashes and stare at my hands. “I have some things I need to say to you… things I didn’t feel comfortable saying in the hospital, and it’s important that you listen to me. Because I can’t keep them in any longer.”

  A sudden flash of uneasiness comes over him. “Okay….”

  Taking a deep breath, I decide not to wait any longer, and start spilling everything I wanted to say over the last few weeks. “When I was younger, I used to tell myself, don’t get attached to anyone. It’s not worth it. That’s why I’d never fallen in love. I didn’t let myself in fear it would turn out badly. And it did. My mom gave me up for adoption, Maggie died, Wes was a bastard, and Ben, you know how that ended. I could blame a lot of my insecurities and fucked-up shit in life on that alone, but I won’t because I strongly believe you are what you make of a situation.

  “When I came to Lebanon, it was a fresh start for me, or at least I thought it was. I just never saw myself falling in love for the first time, and falling in love with your daughter too. I thought I understood how love worked. To love someone the way you need to, there’s a certain amount of dependence there. You’re trusting them with a part of yourself that you don’t give to just anyone. For me, I never gave it. You’re trusting them with your heart. It took me a while to realize that because I’ve never trusted my heart.”

  His expression relaxes as he lets out a long breath. “You should.”

  “Let me finish,” I say, slapping at him but careful not to actually hit him.

  Red licks his lips, leaning away from me, a smirk playing at his lips. “Fine. Finish.”

  “Well,” I smile, too, “I actually was done. I know that you don’t just meet your match and say I love you and everything works out perfectly. It doesn’t happen that way for people like me. I know that.”

  “It happens like that sometimes,” he points out.

  “True. And I also believe it’s harder to love someone and then to walk away. Love is messy. It’s messy and scary and… well, I want that with you.” When I finish my speech, a huge weight lifts from my shoulders. Even if he rejects me now, at least he knows how I feel. How I’ve felt all along.

  As I raise my eyes to his, he’s smiling. But there’s a certain sadness to his eyes. I remember it from the first time I met him. It’s still there. A sadness he’s not sure he can let go of. A hole he may never mend and that’s okay. He shouldn’t be forced to mend.

  “How long did you rehearse that for?” he asks, his voice cracking, and then he looks up at me like he needs me to breathe, but I also know he doesn’t. Maybe it’s relief? He’s a strong man. Although, I’ve come to realize even the strongest can be brought to their knees.

  “I rehearsed it for weeks. You terrify me. You fucking terrify me because I don’t know how to make this work and I�
��m afraid of loving you, and her,” I cry, gasping. “I’ve never felt something like that before.”

  Red’s arms wrap around me immediately, tighter than before, and I let my head fall to his shoulder as he draws me into his side as we sit down on a kitchen chair with me on his lap.

  “I know it terrifies you,” he agrees, turning his head into my hair, then sighs. He speaks softly, trying to make me see. He then pulls me flush against him, so close his heart beats against mine.

  I know it terrifies him, too. It has to considering how he let this woman into his life and then she puts him and his daughter in danger. And not only that, but it’s a reminder of exactly how his wife was taken from him.

  Red opens his mouth several times to speak and then finally asks, “Do you trust me, Lenny?”

  “Should I trust you?” I ask teasing, and he arches an eyebrow in surprise, making me look in his eyes, hating the heartache at the expression on his face. “I’m teasing. I do trust you. Completely.”

  “Then tell me you mean it. Tell me you want this as much as I do.” There’s an easiness about Red in times like this I love. Just when you think he’s always going to be a hardass, he shows you a softer side.

  “I mean it. I want this with you.” And then my eyes dart to the drawing. “And her.”

  He looks at me and shakes his head. “We may end up deciding we made a huge fuckin’ mistake. But…what if it’s not? What if it’s the best years of our lives? We have to try, right?”

  He is absolutely right. “We should try.”

  It could end in tears. It could. And heartache. But then again, it might not. It might be the chance of a lifetime. A chance at finding happiness together after a lifetime of nevers.

  I want to tell him I love him, let the words fall out, so natural, so true that they have depths I can barely understand. I can understand three very simple ones. The ones he is looking for me to say to him.

  Cautiously, my eyes find his as I lean in, my hands resting on his thighs. “I mean it,” I say, pressing my lips to his.

  With a jerked motion, his fingers dive into my hair, winding in the strands around his hands as he inhales deeply. It’s everything I’d been waiting for since I left him in the hospital. Our lips part and he slides one hand around my waist pushing me to the edge of my chair. He wants me on his lap so I willingly come forward to sit on his lap again. This time I straddle him.